Tuesday 5 July 2011

Spaniels arses

She is quite eye catching.

Now, I’m fully aware that to the outside world she might just as easily have a face like a hole dug in a muddy field, but taking the unshakable prerogative that exists for fathers of daughters I’m forging forward with my declaration of beauty.

It should be noted that I place little or no importance on the physical appearance or ability of babies. I already hear too many creepy comments alluding to the later life prospects of humans who are barely a few months old, it’s unnerving, unsettling, and utterly pointless.
Unless of course you find one in nappies with a killer backhand, a 400 yard drive, or the ability to trap dead a 50 yard pass with their left foot, then all bets are off and you should rush to fill their heads with all sorts of praise and nonsense in order to cement and secure your own future fortunes.

Digressions and caveats appropriately dealt with, what inspires my opening proclamation?

First and foremost it’s hair. The child was born with a considerable mop of the stuff. Now, almost a year on, her face is framed by the most remarkable flowing locks. Black, brown, golden, and even red waves of thick hair down to her shoulders that would strike jealously even into the heart of a Mother Theresa and Gandhi lovechild who’d been given up for adoption and raised by Nelson Mandela.

So yes, in my opinion, kind of cute.

Regardless, all this posturing and tangent surfing is quite irrelevant when my aim is to highlight the downside to all this. When you toss the coin of beauty and cuteness, it will inevitably, on occasion, land the side up that you hadn’t called.

There is always a price to pay.

A price to pay for a pretty animated creature with flowing locks. There is no free lunch, or rather, no lunch free from what has become the bedevilment of my days; spoon feeding a shaky-headed, long haired baby.

The elation of having your offspring eagerly gobble up a few spoonfuls of liquidised kidney beans becomes somewhat muted when, with a swish of her head, the dish of the day attaches itself to her flowing mane. 6 spoons later and baby is sporting carrot moistened ringlets making her look like a demented cross between Shirley Temple and an Hasidic Jew.

Quick action is of the utmost importance, failing to wet wipe dinner from your child’s follicles before the main course hardens will leave you facing a baby with hair as matted and tangled as a Cocker Spaniel’s arse after a morning in the woods.

So you see, baby beauty isn’t all it’s hyped up to be. There are pitfalls, slippery slopes, and bangs welded to cheeks with green beans to contend with.

Beauty is very much in the eye of the knot-comb holder.

7th February, 2011.


Jenni said...

Those locks are luscious, though you've certainly made me glad I'm not the one who has to tidy her up after lunch, or brush them out after bath time.

Good to see you back. I've missed your words.

Grandad said...

Welcome back, Martin! Or is this just going to be an annual event?

Have you considered the Yul Brynner or Kojak look?

Anonymous said...

Good to see you pop up in my reader hope all well x


Erika said...

Oh, my God. You posted. Excuse me while I hoist myself back into my office chair.

I would've bet money that S's mane was a wig...or a weave. Either way, she's stunning.

Martin said...

@Jenni - Cheers.

@Grandad - who knows! I'm a bit too fond of it.

@Boliath - It is indeed, thanks.

@Erika - Heh.

BloggerFather said...

Parents who say their daughters are beautiful and will find rich and handsome husbands are dumb! And they should also be jealous because my girl will marry the Sultan of Bahrain (assuming they have a Sultan?).

Anonymous said...


How delightful!

Much missed.

Unknown said...

I thought you'd posted by mistake...you know like sometimes when on Twitter you send it to the timeline rather than a DM and have to hastily delete?

So, do I have to keep checking my blog more regularly or is this just a one off?

Martin said...

@BloggerFather - Allowing your daughter to marry is SO passe.

@hairyfarmerfamily - Thanks, I hope you are well.

@Irritatingly Optimistic - No, no I don't know what you mean.

Anonymous said...

OMFG you're alive!

Hair. My mother wouldn't let me have long hair until I was old enough to remove my own pureed kidney-beans from it. And short curls are just as devastatingly cute as long ringlets... I know. Heresy. Pretend I never said that.

Anonymous said...

Haha! So true. There's always one cornflake that properly mangles itself in their fringes. It's so tempting to take the knife to it to avoid the pain of tetangleage, often I just leave it there so the child may have something to snack on later.
A messy child is a happy child. :)

http://seekorirant.com said...

One word: braids.

Kim said...

Xbox? I almost didn't believe it when I saw it in my reader. I have virtually disappeared myself and only check my reader once in a blue moon but am very glad I picked today to have a look see.

Go on all you want about muted elation, you can't hide that your are grateful for every moment. My brain sees that in your words even though it busy trying to erase the image of Mother Theresa and Ghandi bumpin' uglies.

Veronica Foale said...

But her hair is definitely gorgeous and she is too.

I also second the whole braids or plaits comment.

Tara R. said...

Are you back?

Being beautiful is hard work, and it starts early. Good luck with the comb outs.

AJ said...

Is there a picture of her glorious mane? If so, I can't see it. :(

C said...

Its 7.30 in the morning here..seeing a post from you almost made my day - almost ;)...and your LO sounds adorable..

Bonnie B. said...

Have you tried, perhaps, a shower cap during meals?

She sounds beautiful. My second one was a "fuzz head" until she was 2. And, after your description (which I tried to read to my husband, but couldn't catch my breath for laughing), I'm grateful she was!

WhatAboutNovember said...

I. Miss. You.

Good to see you friend.

Russ said...

I was just wondering if I should take you off my reader! Thankfully I didn't.

Hair ties, barrets, bows, something to keep her hair back. Unless you are looking for more blog stories, then by all means...

Martin said...

@nutsinmay - There was no question of allowing this, the locks just came with the sprog.

@K8 the Gr8 - I'd subscribe to that too

@Kori - a few back... squirmly baby/toddler with little patience

@Kim - I bet they did, dirty feckers.

@Veronica - Not a hope in hell would she sit long enough.

@Tara R. - I never went away!

@AJ - I might arrange one

@C - God I hope that day got better!

@Bonnie B. - what good would that do me? oh you mean HER...

@WhatAboutNovember - I'm always flapping around somewhere ;-)

@Russ - Just keeping you on your toes.

B said...

"a demented cross between Shirley Temple and an Hasidic Jew" Picturing some piece of Goebbels-esque anti-American propaganda.

Do babies go mad(meaning cry loads, not develop some form of mental illness) if they've the hair in a ponytail or something like that?
Baby? ...toddler?

Some people my age on my facebook feed having children and getting engaged now, scary.

darcie said...

oh how we have MISSED YOU! She IS gorgeous - there's no denying that...must get her looks from her mother huh? ;) xoxo

Putz said...

i have a grand daughter caitlain by name and the amout of food this wee one eats at a sitting<><><>well she once devoured a complete mc donald's kids meal, a double cheese burger, fries choclate milk and that little blueberry pie they serve with the kid's meal<><><>she is not even a year old<<><>she doesn't look that chunky, but she must be she eats more than her two brothers together<><><>by the way how have you been getting along in my abceesense???i have carolina brinkman from your country to pester nowadays and my sporadic blog is priceless{one on our catfish walking on dry land and the abolition of july 4th in my home

Proseaholics said...

Welcome back jackass, you almost became the E-Ryan Dunn with your flaming disappearance.

Good to see you writing again :)

Martin said...

@B - they just go mad if you try to put it in one.... the pressure is on you so...

@Darcie - behave...

@Putz - good to hear from you ;-0

@Monty - Allowed online still eh?

AnnB said...

Hey welcome back what a treat to get an update on your progress. I'm with you on the wearing-your-own-food thing. I'm also happy to announce we are spoon feeding in our house too and he's doing it himself after 7 long years. Much food being worn and lots of sticky handprints all along the wall it's heaven.

Myra said...

So glad you're back!