Friday, 9 May 2008

Better than Christmas

We have had some wonderfully gonad squeezing moments over the last year when we've found out we are not pregnant.

We've had this particular joy around my birthday, ET's birthday, before going on holiday, and the humdinger of course, back on Christmas day.

Christmas day was a particularly spectacular kick in the guts.

After that point I stopped believing the significance of dates in this great plan of ours.

There would be no breaking the news while visiting family, or at Christmas, or on Paddy's day, or on someone's birthday.

After Christmas I lost all inclination to be genuinely hopeful, and resigned myself to the idea that we would be relying on experts to do the job for us.

Cold and calculating perhaps, but easier to handle at a time when energy was getting low.

So I thought.

This month, cycle 13, saw optimisim sneak back in for the first time in months.

We had the turnaround in semen analysis results which told us we could do it naturally, we had our first session with the specialist which took the pressure off our shoulders slightly, and we got our ugly bumping timing and quality absolutely spot on.

It was game on.

Cycle day 27, 28, and 29 came and went, when 26 or 27 is the norm.

Long time unspoken excitement began to bubble to the surface.

Names were written on scraps of paper to visualise them alongside my surname before being hastily torn up and binned.

Minds allowed themselves to wander to the other side of 'trying to conceive', the side where people are visiting you and shaking your hand and slapping you on the back. The side where the almost overwhelming bubbling excitement I feel from time to time really belongs.

This was it. Finally. Surely.

Cycle day 30 came and went. Still no positive test result. Doubts creep in.

As if on queue, on a sunny Friday of a long weekend, it comes to a dead end.

One spot. Followed by the inevitable.

Christmas had left us staggering dazed around the ring, but cycle 13 has callously kicked our buckling legs from under us.

If my brief teenage phase of reading the classics serves me well, I believe there is a reference in Dante's 'Divine Comedy' to a sign over the gates of hell reading 'Abandon hope all ye who enter here'.

I want that sign painted over the gates of 'trying to conceive' world, as it's the only advice that I can see really helping anyone get through it.

The house is emptier than it was twenty four hours ago, who knew such little hope took up so much space.


60 comments:

BusyDad said...

Xbox, my man... I was honestly hoping for a different post when I saw this title. But the fight's not over until you can't get up. Go back to your corner, sniff some smelling salts and stagger back out there. Even if you close your eyes and swing, you can still score the KO. You have nothing to lose. And you have a few thousand people chanting "Xbox!" Think Rocky IV, not Rocky I.

nola said...

I so understand. You quote Dante. I quoted Nietzsche:
“Pandora brought the jar with the evils and opened it. It was the gods’ gift to man, on the outside a beautiful, enticing gift, called the “lucky jar.” Then all the evils, those lively, winged beings, flew out of it. Since that time, they roam around and do harm to men by day and night. One single evil had not yet slipped out of the jar. As Zeus had wished, Pandora slammed the top down and it remained inside. So now man has the lucky jar in his house forever and thinks the world of the treasure. It is at his service; he reaches for it when he fancies it. For he does not know that that jar which Pandora brought was the jar of evils, and he takes the remaining evil for the greatest worldly good–it is hope, for Zeus did not want man to throw his life away, no matter how much the other evils might torment him, but rather to go on letting himself be tormented anew. To that end, he gives man hope. In truth, it is the most evil of evils because it prolongs man’s torment.”

But then someone explained that there's hope and then there's false hope. You truly still have real hope.

So hang in there. And allow yourself to be disappointed. It's allowed.

Tara R. said...

Truly, I had hopes right along with you. There are just no words here to do this justice. BD is right, if sheer will alone works, you have a virtual army behind you and ET.

A Whole Lot of Nothing said...

So sorry.

Kori said...

"The house is emptier than it was twenty four hours ago, who knew such little hope took up so much space."

Oh, shit, all I can say is that sucks. Really, really sucks. Maybe I should STOP praying for you; I will, if it might help.

Jenni said...

Really shitty, Xbox. I'm not sure what else to say. I'm sorry.

But, I'm with busydad. All hope is not lost, even thougth it must feel that way right now in a way I cannot even imagine. You've got to get back on the horse, stay in the game, and know we're all pulling for you guys.

amy t sharp said...

yr words are so poetic- I am sorry. So sorry. Yr in my Ohio prayers.

Breigh said...

Shit, I thought there was going to be good news when I read the topic.

Sorry :(

morninglight mama said...

I cannot say anything nearly as poetic and inspiring and supportive as the other commenters before me, but Xbox and ET, I am so sorry. Crappy turn of events, but the game is definitely not over. I'm with busydad-- I'm chanting for you guys!!

meg said...

I'm so sorry, but busydad got it right, "fights not over until you can't get up"

NukeDad said...

13 is unlucky anyway. The next one, though, is 14! That's (2) lucky number 7's! Can't miss. One for you and one for ET. God Bless.

Aunt Becky said...

Oh sweetie, I'm sorry. I have had two miscarriages in the past two months, so I know just how empty you feel when you had hope. Empty and stupid (if you're me) for allowing yourself to hope.

*hugs*

I'm sorry.

ORKMommy said...

I had honest to goodness real tears when I read that. I was so hoping for a good outcome!

Like someone else said, 13 is an unlucky number anyway so maybe next month will be better.

Aunt Becky - I can totally understand how you're feeling. I had an ectopic 2 months ago. We're trying again but I'm so unbelievably scared this time!

I hope everything turns out wonderfully for all of us!

Russ said...

I have kept quiet, hoping that this was the month. I did a quick check of the date to make sure we didn't back date to April 1, but to no avail.

I'll have a pale ale for you.

Tismee2 said...

It's already been said. I even read the post really carefully so I didn't miss anything cryptic.

I'm there in line with the others cheering you guys on for cycle 14.

Ed (zoesdad) said...

Busydad started the reference and I've got to keep it going.....You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done. Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit..... Rocky Blaboa

Dude, take the hit---but keep moving forward! It'll happen.

Roth Family Adventures said...

Dude...I'm so sorry. I was very, very optimistic. Don't worry though. All hope isn't shattered. I'm still very confident that one day soon I'll be able to visit your blog and read the post we've all been anxiously waiting for. It will happen, whether naturally or with some scientific assistance.

Ashley said...

Dang. I'm sorry, but don't stop hoping. We tried for over a year, too. And you know...even when the circumstances SEEM perfect(timing,your physical stuff, hers, etc), you have a 20% chance of getting pregnant (well, not YOU, but ET). So, that's one in five right? You're that much closer. Do NOT give up. We're all behind you guys.

Love to you both,
Ash

Dan said...

I'm sorry man.

frogpondsrock said...

Bloody Oath.. shit. shit. shit...

Sorry I cant think of anything better than that..
Well except for fucking hell..

xxx Kim

Kelley said...

I would hope that I had such wonderful internets in my corner as you do BoxMan.

I saw that title and was so hopeful... who knew it took up so much space in your readers hearts?

Huckdoll said...

I'm so sorry for you guys. Not sure what else can be said at a time like this, so no more words (except no WONDER the champagne and pizza - I had no idea until now).

Major hugs to you and ET.

Thalia's Child said...

I know I'm not near the common commenter that some of your readers are, but in the few weeks I've started following your blog since you found me on the buzz, I've gotten really attached to you and your wife and your struggle. This post had tears welling up in my eyes - I'm sad with you right now.

Putz said...

sarha if it is a girl, shaun if it is a boy, can you get ahold of "what to name the baby" pretty quick if you need to be quick, are you going traditional pink for girl and blue for boy??????????????????????????

Putz said...

hey man i was dreaming , asleep at the wheel, i am optomistic as hell even in this oh so down time...i had to say something to make me feel better and in doing so i did, but at your expense...your readers will crucify me for my supposed insensitivity, but i did it as an escape, and one day everything i said will be true, my boy never thought he would get nerves back in his arms, but wasn't patient, and believe me patients will outlast any pessimism...excuse the spelling...sorry but i will be right in the very near end to this

Chuck said...

I'm so sorry for the two of you. I said once that I knew the ending to this story and this isn't it. Bury yourself in the good wishes of this comment leaving band and surface to fight another day.

Monique said...

I'm so sorry Xbox. I was hoping right along with you. Remember, Dante looked at that sign and ventured in anyway. He also made it through hell, purgatory and eventually to the promised land. I have no doubts you and your wife will too.

tiff said...

Once again I am sorry and floored. I was so sure this was going to be the one.

Dondi Tiples said...

That is so full of pathos, and you usually try to make everybody laugh. Have you seen this site http://tertia.typepad.com/so_close ? Its the blog of a mom who couldn't conceive for so long, had several failed IVFs, and a premature baby who died in her arms. She finally gave birth to twins who are now 3 years old. She's nearly 40. If she can do it, you can!

Anja said...

So sorry, dude.

Sogeshirtsguy said...

Hey man just found your blog. Sorry to hear the news. All you can do is keep trying and I hope things work out for you and your wife.

Tracey said...

I'm so sorry.

GoaldeeBug said...

GODDAMN IT! :(

I was hoping that by staying away from your blog until your result, would mean that it would be a positive. I tried.

Honey, I'm sorry. Keep on keeping on! You'll get there one way or another and the end result will be the same, Pope or no fracking Pope.

*big hugs* to you both.

Veronica said...

Makes me wonder how people used to cope with this before the internet.

xx

Christi said...

I'm so sorry.

Lee said...

Add me to the list of "I'm Sorry".

Try to keep your head up. It's hard in the process, but it will be worth it if/when it comes to fruition.

Good luck! I'm not a praying man, but I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Hilary (The Trying Game) said...

I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say, no clever comment here.

Just wanted you to know that my heart breaks for you all the way from Canada.

Fiona said...

So sorry.

Jane said...

So totally relate to the whole hoping for a holiday announcement thing. Actually, we can relate to the whole post.

Rachel said...

Oh my.
I'm with BD~ The fight is not over. It will happen.
"The house is emptier than it was twenty four hours ago, who knew such little hope took up so much space."
This line broke my heart. You are so amazingly eloquent in your pain.

bsouth said...

Bugger. That sucks and wipes. I'm so very sorry. Love to you and ET. Stay strong - your time will come.

wpat said...

Damn, that sucks. Keep it up, I'm sure it will happen in 2008.

Deb said...

Oh, hon. I held my breath reading those first paragraphs. Now I have tears in my eyes. I'm so sorry. I know what it's like... I was there for a very long time. But it will happen, and we're all here for you.

Rob Monroe said...

Add me to the list of "I'm Sorry".
I'll be thinking of you and ET as you move forward.

Bettina said...

So sorry. Hoping next time is 'the one'.

Joeprah said...

Dude, I think the positive thoughts are key and keep it up man. All my bloggy best to you and ET. Joeps.

musing said...

I'm so sorry for you both. Life is crap sometimes.

baby~amore' said...

Xbox & ET - I am so sorry ... it sucks to find out your are not pregnant again, and again.I know ! but I still can't imagine all your hopeful dreams feeling shattered right now ... just don't lose hope guys.
Hold each other close.Write some questions down to ask your Docs. Go in armed.

Light said...

DANG IT!

Karen MEG said...

Oh shit, Xbox. I was so hoping for something different.

Reading this post, brought me right back to not so long ago ... and yet, at the same time, almost a lifetime ago. I was sooooo there with you up until that DAMN SPOT!!!! I'm crying.

You're down, but please, please, definitely not out. It WILL happen.

Hugs to you and ET.

MadWomanMeg said...

I had my heart leap into my throat when I read the title of your post. It leapt with hope. And just as rapidly sank with sadness when I got to the end. I've not been so sad for a stranger before, perhaps because you are less than a stranger somehow.

This can still happen. We are all cheering you on. That hope may have temporarily snuck out of your house on a midnight rendezvous with someone else's hope, but mine is still here. I continue to hope on your behalf.

Tiff's mum said...

Have faith that the yellow booties WILL work their magic! SOON!

LaskiGal said...

I'm so sorry . . . BUT keep up the good fight. If anything, you have proven you are one hell of a fighter!!!

I'm Toni said...

I just came by to thank you for visiting my blog. I have to say that after reading several of your posts, and not really knowing you, that I feel your pain. I've been where you are. It took us 5 years to get our son - so don't give up! I have the most wonderful son to prove that it's definitely worth all the heartache.

holding you and your wife in my heart,

toni

maggie, dammit said...

Ahhhhh, damn.

Damn.

So sorry, friend.

Maria said...

aria

The Immoral Matriarch said...

Yeah, oops. I typed half my name into the comment box when trying to fill out the url part and deleted my comment. :(

Just pretend that I said something wonderful and ridiculously philosophical that gave you hope and inspiration.

Momo Fali said...

Dang it! I have no advice, no words of wisdom. I can't even relate to what you're going through. But, I am so caught up in your struggle, that I felt a twinge of pain deep in the pit of my stomach when you said there was a spot. I don't know why this happens to good people who want it so badly, when there are so many parents who don't give a damn. Hang in there. You have a lot of people who care and are wishing you good things.

Captain Steve said...

Ahh, dude. Not what I was hoping for. I believe in Spencer and Ellie, though. It's an epic love story.

justmylife said...

I am so sorry. That's all I got. Sorry!