Thursday, 15 May 2008

A fornication fifty-fifty

As the saying goes, time flies when you're having a mental battle with utter misery. Or something vaguely similar at least.

Time does fly, it seems like just yesterday I was crawling backwards out of a champagne bottle in a feeble attempt at sorrow drowning.

Today is day 7 of a new month, 'CD07' for those into the lingo.

This means that it's almost ugly bumping time, time for the mattress mambo, time for a frank exchange of bodily fluids, time for a squelchy session.

Which brings us to a dilemma, of sorts. You see, for 13 months, we have copulated ourselves senseless with no notable results.
That is of course unless you count aching wobbly bits, an increasingly disgusting rancid under-the-arse cushion at the foot of the bed, and a realisation that the bedroom ceiling is badly in need of a new coat of paint.

None of these were the actual desired result, of course.

Basically, shagging doesn't bloody work. We have taken every approach known to man, even some only known to woodland creatures, and nothing works.

Not to worry, we have a follow up appointment with our reproductive specialist in a little over a week, and by hook or by crook we are going to get somewhere with her, even if it means I have to tie her up, and raid her cabinet for drugs and needles and stuff.

Where does this leave the humping? It is, for all intents and purposes, useless in this case.

So, the question is do we stop and take a break and have a 'copulation kit-kat' so to speak, or do we carry on 'carrying on'?

Stopping, would mean that this cycle is screwed, blued, and tattooed before it's even gotten started, leaving us bouncing off the walls for a month.

Continuing, means that we are signing up for the stick pissing Olympics again before the month is out, reading too much into every single gurgle, belch and yawn that emits itself from ET's fornication riddled body, all the while knowing that it's 99% certain to be futile.

In the midst of a rant I was having the other day, I blurted out something along the lines of the following. When I removed the expletives and spittle from the sentence, it rings genuinely true to me, and probably answers the very question I've just asked.

When you first realise you want to have a child, you unwittingly pawn your free will in return for a dream, but no one tells you that you can't ever have it back until the dream is realised.

Well fuck it anyway, pants off Spencer my lad, I've got a little job for you.

65 comments:

Deb said...

You can fill in the bit that says "you want to have a child" with things like "you want to raise a great human being" once you DO have a kid, and you'll find that insightful sentiment of yours still works.

Go for it. But why not ditch the sticks and charts and just have fun with it this month? Take the pressure off, get a little tipsy, and just have sex instead of trying to make a baby? That scheduled stuff gets really old after a while, so maybe that's the break you need.

linda said...

YAY! Imagine a midwest farmer's daughter downstairs cheering for you and ET! On second though, I'll sit out by the frog pond. I'm also praying for your baby.

Married Leos said...

Gotta agree with Deb, at this point just stop TRYING and Just Do IT.

Kori said...

What can I say that hasn't been said? Not a damn thing, really, just have fun.

Jenni said...

I'm with previous posts - maybe just give the ass cusion and missionary position a rest this month and have at it. Either way, have at it.

Angel said...

Oh absolutely. Get sloshed and just have a party. Forget all those techniques and screw like you did when you were screwing JUST to screw.

Spencer has performance anxiety. He can't swim the distance knowing he has one of those obssessed stage daddies standing over his shoulder!

It's going to happen. Really.

justmylife said...

I have to agree with the rest, just bump uglies and lose the peeing on the stick! One month anyway, just enjoy. No pressure just might do the trick!

Momo Fali said...

Go Spencer go! I'm still cheering you on boy!

People in the Sun said...

I hope you get the dream back soon, playing head to head with your child on your Xbox.

Erika said...

I can't imagine the toll this is taking on you guys. I don't have any advice. Really -- this comment is completely worthless.

I'm not normally a beer drinker, but I would totally throw back a pint in your honor. Some things just call for a pint.

wornoutwoman said...

How tired you must be...I'm sorry to hear about your frustration.

CableGirl said...

I know I've said this to you before, but it took CableDad and I 1 1/2 years before we got preggo with my little MJ. We've been working on #2 for about 9 months now. TTC sucks ass! No, it sucks big sweaty plumber crack ass covered in hair and pimples.

That is unless you happen to be one of those annoying people who TTC for 2 months, complain about how hard it is, and then end up knocked up. I HATE those people.

Anyway, rant aside... I'd say if you guys aren't into doing to deed (by that I mean, if it's a chore and not fun anymore) and you're going to the RE next month anyway, give yourselves a break this time around. Sure you'll be bouncing off walls knowing that this cycle was a blowout... but then again, you won't have the added stress of "what was that twinge? am I preggo?" for the next 3 weeks.

BTW @ married leos I'm sure you didn't mean it this way, but "just stop trying and Just do it?" Really? I mean, that's some seriously insensitive crap to say to someone who's been trying to get preggo for over a year. Perhaps that's not how you meant it, but it comes out sounding harsh. Think about that.

bsouth said...

I'm with deb. No point abstaining - it won't make you feel any better. Have some nice comfort sex and plenty more pizza and fizzy wine.

Tara R. said...

Really, take the 'job' out of it and put the 'fun' back in. If it's truly 'for all intents and purposes, useless' don't worry about pee sticks and bump some uglies just for the hell of it.

omni said...

Be a good boy and stand on a box or something and pop that rancid cushion into the washing machine.

Roth Family Adventures said...

There's no reason to obstain. How about going about it more casual and fun this month rather than as a mission. Enjoy it more. Perhaps without the pressure it will make the difference.

Dan said...

Keep it up.

Wait, that didn't sound right

Our Crooked Tree said...

ditto to all comments; it is time to start shagging for fun again..remember when you did it for the fun of it? I have said this before I think...my ob said do it as much as possible as often as possible...stop counting days and stuff and you are sur to get one past the goalie!

Putz said...

i am really old fasshion when it comes to multiplying and replentishing the world as it says in genesis, but i don't believe in your pope either........but i am also a very patient man...so those three things all togerther is one i waited four years, and yes nappy back in those good old days, i had to pee on a stick, present sperm on demand for a variety of nurses, get blood tests until i was a pin cushion...remember FOUR years #2 i don't believe the guy who says your methods are wrong so i say follow your doc's and or practitioners andlast kids are the most important thing in the world period....more than one, so you aren't trying for one, you are trying for the solutition to future problm es a3 four again, i know ther4 isn't a number 4, so be PATIENT,

Doodaddy said...

Paint on the ceiling? I was imagining you facing the other way.

Which puts a point on the horrible thought that I was imagining it at all....

Suze said...

Just enjoy your month. Go for it 'cos you WANT to, not because "It's time". Enjoy each other, forget the pee sticks, relax and go like rabbits - have fun!

nola said...

Go, Spence!!

Karen MEG said...

I wouldn't abstain, but you know my feelings on taking a break from the cycle roller coaster. Just have fun for fun's sake, you don't realize how liberating it is to have sex just for the sake of having sex when you're in the midst of calendar watching and timing, and all the associated pressures.

Why not just let Spence and Elly date this month?

BTW, that phrase that you wrote was so eloquent and so true.

Rachel said...

Laughing at the sperm up there :-)
What you said about free will, giving it up... so very true.
Good luck, God speed and getcha some!

A Whole Lot of Nothing said...

So grossed out at "an increasingly disgusting rancid under-the-arse cushion."

baby~amore' said...

LOL @ Dan's "Keep it up"
Wait, that didn't sound right !

I agree - he is right and yes keep it up only if you want to!
Long term trying to conceive is a bitch ... always the final hope that maybe a last ditch attempt will see you pull off (@@) - the two lines.

I agree with previous people -ditch the charts/pee sticks and like Deb said have some fun sex when you want not on schedule.A break is just what you need. You are seeing the FS anyway.

Ryan Lawson said...

You make a very good point, but was that cussing REALLY necessary, my friend?

Captain Steve said...

Come on, Spencer! Take one for the team! (Or, well, give one, I guess.)

Anonymous said...

God love you.

tiff said...

Oops, sorry, that anon was me :) Brain on low level functioning at the moment.

Geeks In Rome said...

The only great thing about all the randy rompings was we got to have "unprotected" sex for 4 years without that teen worry of getting knocked up. But it sucked because this time we DID want to get knocked up...

Even though I, too, wished I could have given up POASing just for ONE month or obsessing over a calendar, I never missed a month of fluidy exchange and put hubby thru a lot of torture.

But in my case trying, trying, and trying again never would have fixed our problem. I had blocked fallopian tubes and I needed medical intervention (I had the cool Euro high-tech water-pikking) Way fun and fast relief.

Sex took on a whole diff. meaning during that time and it actually became sad. Like a prelude to failure in your face. For me, I didn't feel better about it all until I started getting professional help for my naughty bits and a screaming babe shot out of my belly.

I so hope you both find good help and finally get some fruit for your labors!!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Deb - I think almost everyone has missed the point here lol
My point is that you can not just switch off, as soon as we do it once, we will immediately be calculating days again.

@Linda - I've often imagined a midwestern farmer's daughter on her knees for me but she wasn't praying in my head ;0)
Thank you for your kind comment.

@Married Leos - I'll kick your arse, you know that right?

@Kori - I feel exactly the same everytime I write lately. Constantly repeating myself and never getting the words just right.

@Jenni - whatever happens, I'll enjoy it ;-)

@Angel - Thank you madam.

@justmylife - that is just so NEVER gonna happen, but thanks!

@Momo Fali - yes, he asked me could I get that crazy yank to keep it down a little.

@People In the sun - Why do you have to be so fucking poetic over here? showing me up.

@Erika - I'd love to see that, both hands around a big black pint of Murphys.

@wornoutwoman - Come and goes, but its for a good cause! thanks.

@cablegirl - Poor married leos lol. He didn't mean it that way at all. I regularly take the piss out of myself.
I hear you 100% aboutvthe frustration and EVERYTHING else.
But there is just no switching off is there, there'll be no break. We just know it.
Well done on the first success, and good luck for the 2nd.

@bsouth - I think I'm all pizza-ed out. I'd murder a green curry though.

@Tara R - that sounds almost logical... You're on a warning, we'll have none of that around here.

@Omni - Oh a smart arse...welcome, but watch your back....

@roth Family adventures - more casual, you mean like in a tracksuit?

@Dan - Ba-dum-dum-tish!

@Our crooked tree - Yo just wanted to use the word 'shagging' didn't you... thanks.

@Putz - Patience is number 1 requirement indeed. Absolutely.

@Doodaddy - Oh My Word.

@Suze - nice idea... we can only see!

@Nola - bless his wee heart...

@Karen MEG - that's the crux I think, I don't think we can EVER now truly take a break.

@Rachel - Yes, laughing at it, that'll make it swim. (thats been there almost a year btw!)

@A whole lot of nothing - Yes, I should have the maid take care of it...

@baby~amore - There is ONLY a funny side at this stage. long term is a real bitch, thats for sure.

@Ryan Lawson - Sorry, it was peer pressure.

@Captain steve - He aint the best listener around...

@Anonymous Tiff - someone better!

@Geeks in Rome - funny how the last comment I read is the one that 'gets' it.
There IS no switching off, it's impossible.
You can SAY we are not monitoring anything this month, but you know you will, if only silently.

So far, it's not been a great problem, I am a little concerned that this month could be difficult due to the failures now, and the sinking in of the fact it probably won't work either.
Thanks for your input.

@All - muchos gracias, It came across more serious than intended I guess, it's really not a dilemma at all, all this humping.

conortje said...

I can't believe you have to ask! Some peopel have all the luck :-)

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Conortje - you know, I do stop sometimes & read the shite I've written and think to myself 'You utter tit, shut up and get going'

Gunfighter said...

When I was in the MArines, it was gospel that to reach an objective, you hit it as hard as possible, eliminate all resistance, and secure your position.

There. That's my advice. Have at it, laddie!

Kelley said...

Omni said "Be a good boy and stand on a box or something and pop that rancid cushion into the washing machine."

And totally cracked me up.

I vote for spending the month obsessing. Cause you will anyway and that means I win. Cause this was totally a contest right?

(Yes, fellow readers, this comes off as totally cruel and insensitive - BoxBoy knows my intention, don'tcha short arse?)

Veronica said...

You could take a physical month off, but not a mental one.

Your brian just doesn't switch off.

Also, throw a pillow cover over the cushion already. Damn.

LceeL said...

You and I seem to make comments on many of the same blogs, and I seem to be taking second place in the witticism department from time to time, so I thought I'd swing over here (No, not that kind of swing)(unless...)and find out just who this Xbox.. person is. And then I had to meet Spencer. I want to thank you for that. Somehow, that's a conversation that I'd never realized was possible. On the other hand, that's a conversation I'd really rather not visualize. EEEWWW.

Tismee2 said...

Aren't you worried about 'it' dropping off at this rate?

Do you do the touchy feely bit still or just jump on and ride like the wind?

Like you say you will count anyway maybe you need quality not quantity? Just a thought from someone who doesn't really know what she's talking about.

and the footie season is over - bummer.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Gunfighter - Eliminate all resistance...ET may find that interesting...er..thanks ;0)

@Kelley - I can't believe you could be so heartless. I didn't think you could stoop so low.

@Veronica - Who's Brian?

@LceeL - yes it appears we are as pervy and as asinine as each other.
But you've ALREADY visualised it haven't you... and a little bit of you likes it ;0)

@Tismee2 - I think ET would have to comment on the first bit !

Quality not quantity, who bloody said it wasn't quality!

footie season over...that depends on who you support now doesn't it... 6-1....

Liz said...

Oh, I so feel your pain. The whole TTC thing completely spins off and loses contact with reality after awhile, no matter how hard you try to stay grounded.

Just repeat: 'All you can do is all you can do...'
(I'm not sayin' it makes sense. But it's more fun to say than most other motivational crap.)

I ended up with 2 kids 16 years apart, with a good 12 years of intermittent TTC in between. The 2nd was a 20th anniversary 'surprise', several years after we'd given up. Hoo boy....

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Liz - 12 years... You've just made my head explode against the curtains.

I'm glad you got your surprise, that kind of dedication deserves it.

And you are absolutely correct, reality starts to drift off, and it's very hard to pull it back!

DeeDee said...

I'm with some of the others here. Maybe if you quit "trying" so hard and just roll with it amazing things will happen.

I had a friend who tried and tried and tried until he was literally raw and she was in tears pretty much 24/7 and once they decided to just throw caution to the wind and stop being to schedule minded, yep, you guessed it she was pregnant and is now the mother of three!

Laski said...

I'm with so many others . . . think back to the first times. The passion. The excitement. The exploration. The mystery.

And. Enjoy. It.

Immensely.

wpat said...

You're the only guy I've ever heard of whining about how much pipe he's laying. Quit yer bitching and enjoy the deed. Git R Done as some rednecks in my part of the world say. Maybe the kama sutra is what you need to spice it up. Try being creative without the woodland creatures, besides how do you explain rabies and herpes to your buddies from that hamster?

Dto3 said...

Hear Hear! Had our first - planned to the day. Everything perfect. Then the miscarriages, then the doctor telling me my sperm were retarded and how we ever conceived to begin with is beyond him, then the surgery to correct the problem that didn't work, then the insinuations that possibly the first wasn't really mine, then my wife is taking a drug to supress ova production so that they can find a few of my wiley sperm that might be viable if injected into the eggs. She turns up pregnant - after 7 years! The doctors again insinuate that clearly the mailman has a hand in this. 3 years later after we've been laughed at by every fertility doctor in town that not only are my little guys drunk, my wife's uterus is hostile, and then we go on vacation and come back with a souvenir we didn't plan. So after 3 kids in 10 years, I go in for the V to the very same doctor that operated so my sperm could find their way out in the first place - no irony there, huh? Now, if she turns up pregnant, I'll know they're all the mailman's! Keep trying and keep a bottle of lube handy!

Colleen said...

Take a break from the "we must produce a child" mentality. Take her out to celebrate just being together, and if you're truly "on the horn" (is that how you put it in your previous post?) you'll probably bump ugly bits anyway. But maybe you'll enjoy it.

Hmmm...now that I'm reading some of the other comments it looks like other folks had the same suggestion. Best of luck...

GoaldeeBug said...

Well, what the fuck...... you're going to be stressing about SOMETHING whether you bump uglies or not, so you mgiht as well give it another shot (heh) while you wait for the appointment.

You can't turn it off, so go with it.

Much love to you both.

Veronica said...

Brian is obviously Spencer's back up in my subconscious mind.

Penny said...

Best of luck to you guys.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@DeeDee - These wonderful stories are great to hear and good for the soul, but when you are in the depths of trying to have a child, when you have none, to try and 'just relax' is as close to impossible as you can ever imagine.

Thanks.

@Laskigal - first times? Hmm, where I can I find a single bed and eerie room mates?

@Wpat - Talk to the hand!

@Dto3 - that's a hell of a story!
I have to laugh at the doctors and your retarded sperm.

Thanks for sharing that, and for the chuckle. Well done too!

@Colleen - but the problem is, that we 'must' produce a child, that's the point. Thanks for the comment, appreciated.

@Goaldeebug - that's more like it, it's sucks, but get on with it.

@Veronica - Brian's NOT the messiah, he's a very very naughty boy!

@Penny - Thank you, very kind, appreciated.

maggie, dammit said...

Ummm. And you say *I'M* the wordy sorcerer?

Pot, meet kettle.

Tismee2 said...

Now you're rubbing it in a bit - that's twice you mentioned 6-1.Do it again and I may just stop being so sympathetic.

So where is it you live?? Huh? Ah that's right.

As for 'quality' isn't it fact that it gets a bit diluted the more you do it? Not that I'm an expert or anthing.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Tismee2 - fair enough, I won't mention the 6-1 drubbing again. That was the home game anyway, what was the result in the away game?...

;0P

Sogeshirtsguy said...

Yeah just go to town and hump for the sake of humping and maybe babies will be your reward.

K8 the Gr8 said...

One wonders has one ever attempted any kinky tricks with an electric toothbrush and a turkey baster?

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Sogeshirtsguy - sounds like a plan...

@K8 the Gr8 - The wee heads come off the toothbrush, try explaining that in a Dutch ER...

Bridget said...

I am way late on this blog I should hold back until I catch up on all the posts.

With that being said...I find that no matter the endeavor success is best when there is passion in it!!

Sounds like you need to bring the fun back or at the very least some variety, those swimmers are strong they'll find their way. ;)

Putz said...

if taking off a month to relax means you are not going to be posting anymore.....unacceptable

Ed (zoesdad) said...

OK, Dude--you gotta wash the arse cushion!

I'm with Deb--have a drink and rediscover each other. Have fun!

Immoral Matriarch said...

I have pom poms, I'll be your live cheering section if you let me.


I'm just sayin'...

AnnD said...

It's been awhile since I was on cre8buzz...I logged back on just so I could check in with you (and only you really) to see if you had made a baby yet. I'm so sorry to hear that you guys are still struggling. I linked your blog to mine (http://anndaniel.blogspot.com). Let me know if that is a problem. I want to become a daily reader!

EmmaK said...

absolutely...for fuck's sake, have a break have a kit-kat or a giant spliff or six martinis or something a bit more interesting than stick pissing. you need to get the wind back into your sails!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Bridget - It's never too late around here. There's definitely passion in the endeavour, there would have to be to be still standing after 13 rounds.

@Putz - You can't shut me up that easily Putz, that's for sure!

@Ed - It's reached mini celebrity status now that cushion, might stick it on ebay.

@Immoral Matriarch - Let me just run that past the wife first....

@AnneD - Very nice of you to say. I'll be over to annoy you before too long!

@EmmaK - I can't quite work out what side of the argument you come down on.... a break perhaps?

;0)

Tismee2 said...

can we just keep posting comments to see how many you can get out of this post? What's your record so far?

So what did you decide to do? It seems like forever since the debate was started.