Thursday, 24 July 2008

And here's your host...

All this waiting makes my tits itch. I need to be more occupied. Not in a "the German's are advancing on the Eastern front" kind of way, but rather, just to be kept busy.

What better way to pass the time, than a game?
A waiting game, a two week wait waiting game, a two week wait waiting game game-show!

It could have different rounds, starting with 'find & destroy'.
This is where the fella has to locate, and dispose of, all ovulation prediction piss sticks discarded by his fine lady during the previous ovulation blitz. A point for him for each one he finds, one for her for any he misses.

So far I've found them under my printer tray, two on the office window sill, and one in my shoe.
There may be up to 6 more on the loose.

You could have the 'straw clutching' round, where you take every tiny symptom and turn it into a sure sign that heaven has smiled on our miserable existences and granted us the gift of reproduction. You can get up to 10 points for this, split between the symptom and the farfetchedness of the straw you clutch.

So far, ET had a 'twinge' on Sunday (after lying on the couch for 9 hours straight) so that MUST mean that mini me has sunk his teeth into Ellie, right?
That's an automatic five pointer for her.

I've found that my mantitties are a bit tender these days, which scores high on the symptom scale but blows the fuse on the straw-clutching scale. Just because I don't have a cervix?

Sounds like nit picking to me.

There's the 'quickie', a round of fast fire questions relating to the cycles just passed, and approaching.

-"Day of ovulation this cycle?"
-"CD14"
-"Correct"

-"Will ovulation fall while we have visitors next time?"
-"No, 5 days before"
-"Correct"

-"Did I take my vitamin C on CD21?"
-"Yes"
-"Incorrect" (slaaaaap...)

-"Was it good for you?"
-"...snort.."
-"Bitch"

No game-show would be complete without the 'menstruation guesstimation' round, where both partners get to guess the day on which the cycle will end, and blood and tears will flow.

Ten points are on offer for the correct date, with a point being dropped for every day you are out by, - if it's early!
If it arrives late, you lose 2 points for every day you are out, just to add insult to misery and any raised hopes.

The person with the most points accumulated (when all your hopes and dreams are torn from your grasp and danced upon in front of your very eyes by skinny people wailing 'nah-nah-nah-nah-nah') gets to choose the bottle of wine which will start the 'PPPP' (Post period Piss-up party).

We'll be right back, after this commercial break.

57 comments:

Jane G said...

On one ttc board that I frequent, one of the posters started a "Pimp my Symptoms" thread, which has totally taken off. Same as your game, you take each and every symptom and exagurate it wildly. So now everyone is pimping their symptoms.....to the point if my cat snubs me during the 2WW I take it as a sign. How sad am I?!

Best of luck with this cycle. We are off the ttc train yet again, until my bloods (progesterone and oestradiol) improve. I am scheduled for a lap in four weeks time anyway, so we're going to wait until that is done. So it looks like I won't be a Mammy before my 40th. At this stage if I got a BFP that sticks before my 40th I'd be more than happy. Anyway best of luck with it.

Bettina said...

the concept might sell........... in japan........

lets hope you don't have to resort to that.

River said...

Hold on to that sense of humour, you're going to need it when you have a two-year-old tantrumming on an hourly basis. Crossing everything for you two.

bluestreak said...

Holy shit this is SO DAMN FUNNY. manboob tenderness should be some indication of...something, right?

Sinead said...

Have you approached Parker Brothers with your concept yet?

Good luck with this cycle. Glad to see you still have a sense of humour.

Veronica said...

Funny, you don't sound at all optimistic today.

Russ said...

This sounds a little too close to some of the summer programming here...

geeksinrome said...

and a parting gift for the losing players .... a year's supply of Kleenex and Kotex! *applause* What a cute couple.

Jenni said...

I love, love, love history jokes. Love.

Hope you walk away with a nice parting gift.

AnnD said...

I don't like this game! God, each of your posts reminds me of how torcherous this must be for your both. I thought I was pregnant back in May (my cycle lasted freakin 33 days which it has NEVER done before) and I thought that every little "twinge" and pain in my boob meant that I was surely pregnant. I kept feeling nauseated which I also took as a sure sign. But, I soooo wasn't. I can't imagine doing that every month.....I love you both for going through that! God! I hope sooo much that you get your baby soon!!

Angel said...

You are one twisted dude, dude. And it's totally hilarious! Stay that way!

Chaos said...

You make me laugh hysterically. Glad you still have a sense of humor. Looking forward to your show in the new line up!

A Whole Lot of Nothing said...

"I'll take 'Finding Out Everyone You Know and Everyone Your Friends Know Is Pregnant' for $1000, Alex."

'That Girl' said...

Could you please pitch that to NBC or ABC, because right now we're down to a revision of Family Fued, Celebrity Circus and watching teenagers try and "raise" children in upper middle class neighborhoods while their parents watch and then bitch at them when their day of "child rearing" is over. Good times. Good times..

Kori said...

I think you have a hit, my friend!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Jane G - It's common madness!
Sorry the cycle didn't work out again, that's shitty.
Good luck with the lap.

Dates are shitty too.

@Bettina - I could be big in Japan? suppose I have to be big somewhere.

@River - I like your optimism!

@Bluestreak - It's a sign I don't get enough exercise anyway!

@Sinead - I approached two guys alright but they beat me up and left me for dead.
As the saying goes, if you don't laugh...

@Veronica - I'm as optimistic as ever!

@Russ - You can expect Simon Cowell to turn up at some stage I'd imagine.

@GeeksinRome - hahahahahahaha!

@Jenni - Indeed, a nice riesling would do atthis stage!

@AnnD - Every.Bloody.Month! thanks.

@Angel - Twisted, and loving it!

@Chaos - Welcome! thanks, we have to laugh about it all.

@A whole lot of nothing - I didn't understand a word of that!

@That girl - This show is on constant repeat anyway!

@Kori - A barren childless hit!

Kimmylyn said...

Delurking.
You are the funniest mf'er.
'nuff said.

Hilary (The Trying Game) said...

Hahaha this is hysterical. Here's to your winning the Grand Prize.

Wishing you luck as always!

zoeyjane said...

I'm thinking the commercials would all be of the condom and feminine hygiene variety?

Christa said...

You're to funny. It's sad that I relate to this game all to well, which I guess makes the post even that more funny.

I think we need a round where you pretend to be a drunken teenager and have a one night stand. That seems do always do the trick!

Horse Chick said...

Xbox, your humor is absolutely sic...really sic, but we all love you you and your humor anyway!! Good Luck to you & ET, may the only parting gift ya'all receive will be in the delivery room in about 40 weeks!!
p.s. "A whole lot of Nothing" is referring to Jeopardy & Alex Tribec! but, you knew that....

kittyconcerto.com said...

Ohhhh anything that you pee on should not be lying around just willy nilly.

And I know you can't be talking about me saying "na na na na na!" in your face, because I'm NOT skinny. I'm already a fat cow. Whew. We can still be friends. Right???

Quickroute said...

I'm picturing Norman Metcalfe grinding his organ on 'Stop the Lights' but it's probably before your time!

Ed (zoesdad) said...

I worry about you sometimes. What concerns me more is--why the hell was a piss stick under the printer tray?

Captain Steve said...

Fox would run with it. You could start your future child's trust fund with that money, then eventually gamble it all away/spend it all on crack.

. . . she put it in your shoe?

Putz said...

i don't understand your game, do i get any points at all if i don't understand your game???????

Christi said...

6 more ovulation sticks on the loose? That would feel a little too much like an Easter Egg hunt.

B said...

The game would work better with two couple's competing against each other, cos then they'd be able to have open grudges about their rivals!

Rachel said...

You are twisted, brilliant, humorous and amazingly upbeat in spite of everything.
Sorry I've been absent but
I was traveling and there was no internet available.
Fingers and toes crossed for ya.
Big Prayers.

bsouth said...

How about a nice game of scrabble instead?

stella said...

HOLY SHIT> STOP IT!!! YOU MUST STOP!!! I CANT TAKE IT!!!

iVegasFamily said...

Gee, if you don't win I hope there are some lovely parting gifts, such as a year supply of instant mashed potatoes or a vacuum. I just hope you win the grand prize.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Kimmylyn - Blushes, fans himself, and blushes some more...

@Hilary - Hysteria perhaps! thanks.

@Zoeyjane - and twin single bed sets...

@Christa - the drunken teenager thing only seemed to work if you were a female relative of mine...
;0)


@Horse Chick - Sick? why thank you!
p.s. I knew that, but I couldn't give her the satisfaction of knowing I knew... ;0)

@Kittyconcerto - I'll be watching you, be carfeul...


@Quickroute - WAY before my time, I haven't a clue!


@Ed - That must have been one of the positive ones, they get dropped marginally faster than my trousers.



@Captain Steve - Same as above, that would have been a 'full steam ahead' one, drop and hump.

@Putz - I'd give you a million points putz.

@Christi - It's an egg hunt, ALL YEAR ROUND!

@B - Nice slant, the public could vote on which couple would be allowed to shag next time around!
Marvelous.

@Rachel - and cute, don't forget cute.

@Bsouth - How many points would I get for 'Bollox' on a triple word score?

@Stella - Funny, that's what ET says just before...

Shamelessly Sassy said...

I hope your bitchtits quit aching.

Hockeyman said...

So what cup size do your mantitties fit in?

Ashley said...

OBVIOUSLY your titties being sore counts. Haven't you ever heard of sympathetic pregnancy symptoms? Where the guy gets fat and sometimes barfs and gets other symptoms that have to do with pregnancy? You just got the sore titties thing, first! :)

MadWoman said...

Sore man titties must really suck. I wouldn't have a clue what sore boobs feel like. *smirk*

Susanica said...

Bottle of wine eh? Mmm.... I took a vow of "solidarity now" ensuring my beautiful wife that if she couldn't drink alcohol during the wait nor pregnancy, then well, neither could I . Not really thinking that we'd get pregnant right away, (and as pathetic as this sounds) I'm pretty sure on some level I was looking forward to dining and wining two weeks after our attempt. Clearly I'm on some sort of wagon now. (Or off, or whatever.) So...what about you? Could you do "solidarity now" with your wife if you collect all the points this round?

womb for improvement said...

And minus 10 points if you test before the cycle is due to end - just in case she is so pregnant the hormones start shining through early. Damn I'm well into minus points.

Momo Fali said...

Your tits itch? Too bad you don't have three of them to scratch, like me. You'd be busy all day.

Missives From Suburbia (Deb) said...

We call that the "Lightning Round" in the U.S. I dig Lightning Rounds.

So who's ahead this month? Don't answer that. This is one of those games where everyone loses or everyone wins.

Oh, and if you think your tits itch now, just wait until you're pregnant.

Karen Mary MEG said...

Hey, what's with the itchy titties... and braces... are you going through a second puberty, or somethin'?

I'm all for recycling, but piss sticks as a game? Snort!

All in the name of fertility roulette I suppose. I bet you'd get a lot of players in this game, unfortunately.

Good thoughts across the waves, as usual...

Immoral Matriarch said...

Itchy tits & menstruation guesstimation made me piss my pants I laughed so hard.

Maggie, Dammit said...

You know, I clicked over and I saw the "What's Your Answer" graphic and I thought MY GOD, THE MAN WILL NOT STOP PRESSURING ME but either way, it's OK, it worked out, the answer is yes.

I will marry you.

tiff said...

your tits itch?

Damn!

B said...

I took your great idea and made it slightly better.
You, on the other hand, have taken my slightly better idea and made the best reality tv show ever from it!

Tismee2 said...

What happened to good old Battleships or Monopoly?

Can I be the iron?

nh said...

I'm thinking that the 'straw clutching' round needs more points, afterall 2 weeks of symptom searching should be worth something! Hope this is your month.

Our Crooked Tree said...

Someone's getting lucky in the quickie round! Glad you still have your sense of humor.

James Austin said...

We could all use a few more Quickee rounds!

Tara R. said...

I really should TiVo this for later when I can fast forward the commercials.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Shamelessly Sassy - Me too Mrs, Me too...

@Hockeyman - You'd fit one in each hand, 'nuff said...

@Ashley - Yeah, I get fat and barf but that's usually after 36 beers.

@MadWoman - Here, have a feel ;0)

@Susanica - As noble as your gesture was, I can safely say, if ET does get knocked up (by me), I will be drunk until round about whe the sex is revealed.

@Womb4improvement - Aren't we all!

@Momo Fali - Momo 'Total Recall' Fali...

@Deb - Bring it on!

@Mary MEG - a 'second'? er, yeah, that's it...

Thanks!

@Immoral Matrioarch - My work here is done...

@Maggie, Dammit - Good, now just the finer details, you are obviouly devout Roman Catholic, right?

@Tiff - Day-yam Tiffany, Day-yam!

@B - I am SO contacting C4.

@Tismee2 - You are more suited to being the old boot surely...
(sorry, but you walked RIGHT into that one)

@nh - everythings crossed on this end.

@our Crooked Tree - I'm just getting slapped!
Would be lost without it.

@James Austin - Speak for yourself ;0)

@Tara R - The ads are always the best bits!

IEAT_SNOWMANPOOP said...

oh wow do you have man boobs ewwww

Kelley said...

Dude, an ice pack on those boobies will stop the itch. Oh and probably an antifungal.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Snowmanpoop - Yep, I keep them in a drawer.

@Kelley - what do you use?

Momo Fali said...

One of these days, those hopes and dreams will NOT getting yanked. Sorry I can't say the same for you in the process.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Momo Fali - Thank you.