Tuesday, 8 July 2008

Did I roast a kitten on a spit?

I’ve come to the conclusion that I must have been a spectacularly horrible prick in a past life.

Someone worse than Hitler, I don’t think I was Hitler, simply because I’m not so good with the facial hair, and I was never really into blondes.

Someone that made Atilla the Hun wet himself.


Someone as dementedly psychopathic as Robert Mugabe on smack & red bull.

Someone as high up the evil scale as Mariah Carey is on the irritation one I'd imagine.


For certain though, I was a very, very, evil creature.

Why do I think this?

Why do I think the karma Gods are rolling around in piles of their own excrement laughing at me?

A recap on the ‘week that was’ may help illustrate.

In a single seven day period, I
lost a tooth, we failed another cycle, and we got told to piss off by a hush toned, croc wearing, fertility expert for a second time.

We then turned our gaze to the world of light entertainment for some respite, only to find breaking news that some
SEVENTY year old woman in India has just had bloody twins, and a feckin’ MAN has given birth in the good old US of A.

These two stories have contributed to the left, and then the right hand side of my brain, exploding within the confines of their cranial cavity.

I can now hear sloshing when I walk.

If this is the way this life is going to pan out for me I think I’d prefer to go back to one of my previous hideous incarnations.

How bad could it have really been to be a bunny rapist, or a puppy skinner, or a big brother contestant, or someone who uses pensioner’s finger bones as toothpicks, or an Australian?

Yes, I am bitter, want to make something of it?

Kitty kebab anyone?

66 comments:

Veronica said...

Or an Australian? Tsk tsk.

You MUST have been a busy busy boy in your past life. Maybe Elaine actually needs a sex change in order to fall pregnant.

(Hey! It worked for the other guy!)

The Tall Red Head said...

I am Australian, but shall turn a blind eye to the comment as you have had a seriously shit and fucked up week. And it would feel like the world is laughing at you. And I do not blame you for feeling bitter, angry and completely FUCKED OFF. I would feel the same. I feel for you. I really do. And, one good thing about being short is you blend in. I am 6'1 with bright red hair...and an AUSTRALIAN. Off the subject track, but thought you might feel better knowing there is someone with the complete opposite problem. The good thing is things cannot get more shitty than this, so you are on the way up. And I look forward to to reading about them.

tiff said...

It's relentless, isn't it?

I've heard kitten tastes like chicken...

Veronica said...

@ tiff - It does. Honest.

Anja said...

Rather be Australian than Irish.

frog ponds rock... said...

Kitten is a bit mooshy, sort of like veal. so you really need to have roasted a full grown cat to get the proper taste sensation that is "roof rabbit"..But don't get one that is too old, they are a bit tough..

What???? I am Australian after all..

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Veronica - I weighed up my insult options and I decided that at this time of day I'd get a better reaction from insulting the Aussies than the yanks.

@The Tall Red Head - Long time no see! yes it is absolutely fucked up. from start to finish.
And being short in Holland ensures that I stand out, trust me.

@Tiff - Relentless on 4 engines woman.

@Anja - An Aussie is only an unwanted Irishman with a tan and a criminal record anyway...

@Frogpondsrock - Don't you go getting PETA on my case with this stuff...Paddy.

Lilacspecs said...

You must've been the inventor of Bonzai Kittens. does this http://images.google.be/images?q=bonsai+kittens&ie=UTF-8&oe=utf-8&rls=org.mozilla:nl:official&client=firefox-a&um=1&sa=X&oi=image_result_group&resnum=1&ct=title look familiar?
Sinner.

And hey, the man who gave birth was originally a woman after all. It's not like he's like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Junior...his bits stayed female cause he chose it to stay that way so he could be a surrogate.

Newbie said...

Or maybe you were the character in the Eddie Izzard sketch:
- Hey I'm crazy Eddie! I put babies on spikes! You wanna rack o' babies? They taste like chicken!

The argument behind that is that cannibals say humans taste of chicken. So babies taste like chicken. Not going with me on that one? Ok.

*hangs head in shame for tastelessness and plaigarism*

Bettina said...

so it's you who has been stealing my kittens for kebabs?

Tracey said...

I'm not sure about all that, but here in Oz, we are having a train strike when the Pope is visiting! That's kinda a miracle, yeah?

You are short enough to pass for Hitler...

Angel said...

I was all set to write a post sounding almost exactly like this one but chose to do my morning reading before posting myself. I'm so glad I did. I'm going to let you bitch today. I'll bitch tomorrow.

Maybe, just maybe this life is sucking ass because your next one is going to be absolutely fan-fucking-tastic? Nah, that's no good. It'll get better? There's nowhere to go but up? If the fates are screwing you over, at least they're leaving someone else alone?

Screw it. All that sounds completely ridiculous.

A seventy year old woman knocking out twins is creepy, but the man giving birth just freaks me out. I KNOW he/she isn't really a man yet, but still, that's just stupid. At least, spinning it that way was stupid.

Spencer, dude, get it together already. I mean, Clay Aiken knocked up a chick. If that little greasy spot of humanity can do it, you can!!

Oh, that probably didn't make you feel better, did it? Maybe gave you more determination?

Hell... wanta go get drunk?

AnnD said...

I really can't imagine that someone who is so paternal (so paternal it borders on extremely maternal) was a horrible person in any of his lives. But, I understand why you feel the way you do. I try to come up with explanations as to why bad things happen to good people and have yet to come up with one that suits me, that explains the unfairness of life. Why is it that you and ET struggle so much to make one child while I have clients who have 5 children that they are all verbally abusing and neglecting in some form? I don't think I will ever understand but it does put me into a religious crisis!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Lilacspecs - I appreciate your efforts at explaining away the man-baby thng, but I'm bitching here - ok?
;0)

@Newbie - All I can say is thanks for the heads up o what DVD NOT to get out this evening...

@Bettina - Yep, I have your kittens and the dingo ate your baby.

@Tracey - Why is a train strike during the pope's visit a big deal? It's not like he was planning on using one to get around....

@Angel - just FYI - I got bitchy covered tomorrow too, in fact I have a standing order with royally fucked off for the next week or so.
Drunk? Yes.Please.

@AnnD - I've passed the point of 'religious crisis', I firmly don't have any faith at this stage, It just does not add up for me.

At the same time, as bitter as I am, I can't ever be the one to judge if someone else deserves children or not.

geeksinrome said...

Wasn't Hitler infertile?? Don't think you want to be him (again).

Now they say the Karma wheel don't throw nothin' at you that you can't handle. So the tougher the challenges -- the steel-ier you be. (Until you melt like jelly, then the gods just giggle til they piss.)

The ones who get it easy are like the blissfully stupid kid in class -- don't give him a hard time...besides, wouldn't know a hard time anyway if it poked him in the butt. Smart buggers like you KNOW things can be better and the difference between right and wrong. Crocs are very, very wrong.

tysdaddy said...

"I can now hear sloshing when I walk."

You owe me a new laptop . . .

Hockeyman said...

I'll take mine medium well please...ketchup and spicy mustard.

Jenni said...

the world really does seem to be kicking you in the balls this past week. i hope you'be been drinking.

Putz said...

H....EY......i know that man who gave birth here in american....he is happy as a lark....can't say that about nappy, not happy, nappy not happy, happy not nappy, fiingernail????picking teeth, austrailia.....cheer up you are in another cyle

iVegasFamily said...

Perhaps a trip to India or the US of A should be planned. Also, I don't think things can get any worse for you. How's that tooth? Get it fixed?

B said...

Hitler wasn't into blondes, he was into his cousins urinating on him.
Semi-fact!

And that wasn't a man, it was a "man"

Kori said...

What is that fertility clinic's address? I feel the need to bomb them.

nh said...

Interesting week you've had! BUT... surely all that bad stuff must mean that you are due some good!

In the mean while - enjoy your kitty kebabs!

nh said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
TentCamper said...

I feel for you my friend. The last 2 months have been like that for me. Kittens taste gross...so do puppies and even small children. Then again...if you mix the three in a stew.....YUUUUUUMMMMYYYYY!
Things will work out brother...just hang in there.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Geeks in Rome - I wonder was he really infertile or was that an urban myth, could they even have known back in the day?

@tysdaddy - I'll make you a deal, when I get what I'm owed you can come a callin'

;0)

@Hockeyman - Salad for you, doctor's orders.

@Jenni - I've not been sober since, er, November.

@Putz - You may just be the wind beneath my wings, you nutter....

@iVegasFamily - Wanna Bet?
The tooth story has been explained about 24 times in the tooth post, I ain't repeating it again dooood.

@B - Hmmmm....maybe I COULD have been him after all then...

@Kori - You are like a bloggy John Rambo...

@nh - you WOULD think so wouldn't you! don't hold your breath though.

@TentCamper - I think I'll stick to Jaimie Oliver recipes if that's ok?
thanks!, hope things turn for you.

Jill said...

Oh X'y, I have nothing more to add than what everyone said above...

Just sending support - and if you ever make it to India (clearly the capital of fertility) please look me up! Maybe we can get a two'fer!

womb for improvement said...

Not bitter, that sounds too resigned to your fate. Pissed off I'll give you. Keep fighting it. Looks like you have another 40ish years of trying before ET is past it (and by then a doctor might agree to help you out)... oh the wonders of modern science

A Whole Lot of Nothing said...

Whew, you saved us Yanks from being the worst of the worst and instead made the Aussies. You love us, you really love us.

Mrs. Kitty said...

If you killed kitties, I will personally put in your audition tape for Big Brother! LOL.

Elle Charlie said...

I think maybe you're just in a down phase of life, awaiting the next wonderful phase! Life comes in waves, and sometimes you just get a crappy wave for no reason. It's not fair. But good things usually come, when you're least expecting them.

Sully Sullivan said...

You could have been Oprah Winfrey.

Chin up, it's always darkest before dawn and all that crap. Things will swing your way, let's just hope it's not a giant wrecking ball.

bsouth said...

Kitty kebabs - mmm, try some ketchup on them, might make them taste yummier. In the meantime, keep your chin up - no-one can have been that bad in a former life.

BusyDad said...

If you wanted a graphic of a kitten on a spit, all you had to do was ask me. I just got back from China, you know.
(just kidding people. that was called making a jokey referencing recent happenings)

May said...

I'm glad that man could get pregnant and have a healthy baby. Like HELL I'm wishing infertility on any other family, however unorthodox.

Not that all that perspective helps much in the middle of a WHHHHYYYYY MEEEEEEEEE crisis. I think I must have been right next to you in the kitchen, spit-roasting puppies. Labrador puppies. With enormous wistful eyes.

Try not to turn your head too sharply. You don't want to lose any brain before it gets a chance to re-solidify. Have another drink.

Irish Diaspora said...

Well it couldn't get any worse than being an Australian in your past life, LMAO!

Am positive you are in for some good stuff in the near future after reading that little revelation.

MadWoman said...

Hitler? Nah.....I don't think you were anything that horrible.

Was cruising You Tube today looking for my favorite Monty Python stuff..and came across this that not only made me laugh but made me think of you too.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U0kJHQpvgB8&feature=related

James Austin said...

Yes, you must have been Hitler. That has to be it, cause that is some screwed up shit happening to you. How do you sleep at night Adolph?

Ed (zoesdad) said...

I read somewhere recently that karma happens. You're due a happening.

Serenity said...

Kittens aren't really worth the trouble of skinning - just a tiny morsel. You'd do better with puppies or ponies or something.

*hug* sorry to hear about the week you're having. May it only get better.

IEAT_SNOWMANPOOP said...

please don't squish your brain out on me ewwww

NukeDad said...

I thought it was kittens on white, puppies on rye? I usually split the difference and go with sourdough. Less chewy.

Immoral Matriarch said...

Hitler. No doubt. I knew it all along.

Dorky Dad said...

Oh no, you weren't Hitler. Bunny rapist, maybe, cat roaster possibly, but not The Fuhrer.

Nola said...

Maybe you were an abortionist. Keep hanging in and laughing (or making us laugh).

Chris in Happy Valley said...

1. Cats suck
2. He wasn't "really" a man, so you know, if that makes you feel any better.

justmylife said...

Plurk got you thinking of Karma? I have 3 cats I can ship to you, they are getting on my nerves this week! heh!!

STE said...

I hate people. Hate hate hate.

Quickroute said...

yikes! I hope you've hit bottom and are on the way back up!

p.s. Saw the photo of the pregnant Mr Beatie and reckon my belly bares a striking resemblance. Have pissed twice on a rod but no '+' sign yet.

Mrs4444 said...

Maybe, in your past life, you were a prick of an infertility doctor. (Hey, you brought it up!)

River said...

I was wondering where all the local neighbourhood cats had disappeared to.......
(just another Aussie here.)

Kelley said...

You know what I want to say to you about that Australian comment...

My mum used to say 'I must have killed a Chinaman in a past life'

Me, I reckon I was the dick that pressed the button on Hiroshima.

But I still manage to be a lovely wonderful person despite my life suckages.

Perhaps because I am AWESOME! Hang out with me buddy, some of my fantastic awesomeness may rub off.

Dondi Tiples said...

...and while you're at it, maybe you were Idi Amin Dada, or Pol Pot, or maybe someone as mundane as one of those Mormons who simultaneously married and impregnated five sisters, ages ranging from 11 to 15...

What am I talking about? I don't even believe in past lives.

I guess all the ranting and railing about what fate has served you (this just brings to me an image: "Hello, I'm Fate and I'll be your waiter today. Our house special is infertility soup. Served cold, with bitters.") on his tarnished platter has gotten you into some wild speculation on just why why why this happening to you.

Wonder what horrible thing ET thinks she's been in the past life.

Momo Fali said...

Maybe your on to something there...YOU should have the baby like the "fella" over here. Oh...sorry, you have to be a man with a uterus, don't you? What if ET became a man? Maybe that would help your chances.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Jill - Have plenty of naan ready!

@womb for improvement - meh, fighting? meh.

@A whole lot of nothing - Don't kid yourself.

@Mrs Kitty - That would be the ultimate blog, BB blogging.

@Ellie Charlie - 'Maybe' - er, yes, you could say that...

@Sully Sullivan - Meet me at the wrecking ball...

@Bsouth - Awesome sauce you mean.

@BusyDad - I'm just gonna sit back and watch the blog world recoil in horror.

@May - Drink it is then, cheers.

@Irish Diaspora - You think? Hhmmmm..

@MadWoman - That is a classic song, it really really is.

@James Austin - With a plastic bag over my head in the hope I won't awaken !
;0)

@Ed - I'm due an aneurysm!

@Serenity - A shetland pony would make a nice baguette.
Thanks!

@Snowmanpoop - clear off then...!

@NUkedad - Spoken like an expert!

@ImmoralMatriarch & @DorkyDad - I think ye should slug it out...

@Nola - Glad to be of service!

@Chris in happy valley - who, Hitler?

@Justmylife - Plurk is death in pixels.

@STE - AMEN to that.

@Quickroute - I'm him with twins!

@Mrs4444 - You may have just cracked it

@River - Nom nom nom nom....I love Aussies ;0)

@Kelley - what would that be?
I think you ahve lost grasp of reality.
Welcome, you'll like it here.

@Dondi Tiples- Too much Enya fueling your imagination!
In a past life she was really mean to her husband...

@Momo Fali - We can become a gay man couple! Would that be nice.

Tara R. said...

You're not in Kansas anymore Toto... those two pregger-phenoms are just freaks of nature.

Tismee2 said...

You will forget all of this bad stuff when you get pregnant - just as ET will forget the hideous pain and trauma of labour that YOU - (yes YOU) put her through once baby xbox arrives.
If you aren't able to think positive at the moment, I'll put in an extra shift for you.

Jasper Mocks said...

Pugs are more suitable for cooking- kind of like roasted pork.

America! Land of the brave! Home of the free! The place where a man who was a woman and still really a woman but looks like a man can give birth!

It is no wonder that this damn country is going to hell and a handbasket.

Deb (Missives From Suburbia) said...

As evil as Mariah Carey is irritating? I find it hard to believe such evil has ever existed in the world.

Siobhan said...

You know, even in the pit of despair, you're still bloody hilarious.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Tara R - but I want to be a freak, dammit.

@Tismee2 - All positivity gratefully accepted.

@Jasper - I blame Hilary...

@Deb - I'm sorry to say there are such dark forces abound.

@Siobhan - that's actually great to hear, I was starting to think it was all sounding very bitter.
Thanks.

conortje said...

Nah, you're just getting all the crap over and done with early so you can enjoy the great times that are on their way. I'm sure!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Conortje - Agggh, say it like you mean it!

;0)

Marie said...

I'm laughing so hard right now. Maybe the fates got you mixed up with someone else.

On second thought, if you're going to bear the brunt of the consequence, you may as well have the fun. I'll be looking for an invitation in my inbox to a kitty BBQ here in the near future.

Deborah said...

Good lord have I been there! There has been plenty of times when I've asked myself, who did I piss off in a previous life?

Big Momma Pimpalishisness said...

I'm bitter too damn it!!!!! Let's get drunk!