I’ve come to the conclusion that I must have been a spectacularly horrible prick in a past life.
Someone worse than Hitler, I don’t think I was Hitler, simply because I’m not so good with the facial hair, and I was never really into blondes.
Someone that made Atilla the Hun wet himself.
Someone as dementedly psychopathic as Robert Mugabe on smack & red bull.
Someone as high up the evil scale as Mariah Carey is on the irritation one I'd imagine.
For certain though, I was a very, very, evil creature.
Why do I think this?
Why do I think the karma Gods are rolling around in piles of their own excrement laughing at me?
A recap on the ‘week that was’ may help illustrate.
In a single seven day period, I lost a tooth, we failed another cycle, and we got told to piss off by a hush toned, croc wearing, fertility expert for a second time.
We then turned our gaze to the world of light entertainment for some respite, only to find breaking news that some SEVENTY year old woman in India has just had bloody twins, and a feckin’ MAN has given birth in the good old US of A.
These two stories have contributed to the left, and then the right hand side of my brain, exploding within the confines of their cranial cavity.
I can now hear sloshing when I walk.
If this is the way this life is going to pan out for me I think I’d prefer to go back to one of my previous hideous incarnations.
How bad could it have really been to be a bunny rapist, or a puppy skinner, or a big brother contestant, or someone who uses pensioner’s finger bones as toothpicks, or an Australian?
Yes, I am bitter, want to make something of it?
Kitty kebab anyone?