Monday, 28 July 2008

Hiding the body

Wednesday sees the arrival of some of my family, for a week. At the same time we are half expecting Aunt Flo, but it doesn't need to be said that we would prefer if she stayed away.

We have quite a task ahead of us in preparation though, 'hiding the body'.

Okay, not an 'actual' body but a body of evidence. Evidence of trying to conceive.

Over the past months our house has become ground zero for this fornication powered project, with debris all over the place.

Doctor's letters, referral letters, appointment cards, eight copies of every single test result we've had, litter the dining table, every drawer, and the office.

Bottles containing ET's folic acid and vitamin B supplements, along with my beta carotene, vitamins C & E, and zinc, adorn shelves and windowsills all around the house.

Literature is everywhere! Bloody peeking back at me from shelves are booklets from the hospital on their wonderful (albeit utterly unattainable) treatments, books on trying to conceive, and a bastard book of baby names that I couldn't be more sorry I bought.

Not to mention the bulk online purchases of pregnancy and ovulation prediction kits.

Then there is of course the other stuff like the fertility doll and yellow booties.

All that is even before I noticed all the electronic evidence on our two laptops and the PC, which positively bursting at the seams with bookmarked pages overflowing with trying to conceive and infertility information.

With all this shit lying around, this place is starting to look like the big brother house where the house mates are a prostitute, a porn star, a witch doctor, a gynecologist and a hippy tree hugging drug pusher.

If I had any common sense I would carefully store away all documentation, make the pills invisible yet accessible, and protect all bookmarks.

The reality will most likely lead to one of my poor sisters being crushed to death under an avalanche of trying to conceive paraphernalia upon opening some attic cupboard door.

Such will be the landslide, the cause of death will remain a mystery, fertility doll to the jugular perhaps?, loss of blood from multi-million paper cuts maybe?, stoned to death by a storm of vitamin tablets perchance?

Whatever it is, I have a hunch it would be that bastard baby names book that would strike the final, and fatal, blow.

59 comments:

Rachel said...

Can't you just see the headlines?

Hope the visit goes well and that family is the only thing paying y'all a visit.

A Whole Lot of Nothing said...

I hate baby name books. I might randomly pick a silly name like 'Martin' or 'Patrick'.

wpat said...

Just tell them you are sex addicts and to avoid the Internet "just in case"

Mr Lady said...

I can't top wpat's comment. Nevermind.

Amy said...

Now that's a series of Big Brother I think I would actually watch...

Zoeyjane said...

I guess I'm supposed to say something funny, but really I don't know what hiding everything is part of the equation...the lack of announcing you're trying and still waiting?

Captain Steve said...

Store the porn on top of everything. Once they see that, they will fear to dig.

Hilary (The Trying Game) said...

Fingers crossed that Aunt Flo does indeed stay away and you and ET are soon able to exchange all the baby-making paraphernalia for actual baby stuff. Thinking of you and wishing you lots of luck as always.

Sinead said...

Sounds like you might have to rent a storage unit for the week.

Good luck and enjoy the visit. I wish my sister was coming over for a week.

Jayne said...

Tuck it all down the back of the couch ...no one ever looks there :P

Quickroute said...

Invite one of the 'working girls in the window' to stay at the same time and say it's her stuff. They'll be gone in jig time!

TheChrisD said...

Sweep it all under the carpet/rug/whatever-it-is-you-use-to-cover-your-floor?

Lirun said...

vicious little name books!

James Austin said...

What, they don't read? or wouldn't understand? Like they say, you don't choose your family!

Ed (zoesdad) said...

Out of sight might be just the de-stresser you guys need. I say clean that house to within an inch of it's life.

Bluestreak said...

oh man the damn baby name book sounds like a an asshole. Burn him lest he wreak havoc on your household.

Tismee2 said...

You could always put it all in a black bin bag and hide it under a neighbours Hebe until your family have departed. It works for the scrotes in our street when they need to hide their bottles of lambrsco until their parents have left for work!

Jane G said...

It's funny, I had a similar situation at the weekend. I had my 13-year-old niece visiting, so I had to hide away two pregnancy books, one "preparing for birth with yoga" book (wasn't I the optimistic one?) and not one but two baby name books that DH bought one time. Also a big bag of HPTs that I had bought on the net last month when we were temporarily back on the train again. I don't really mind her knowing that we are trying (all my siblings know about the miscarriages), but I just didn't want her getting excited thinking that she had another little cousin on the way when it's not happening at the moment.

I really really really hope that AF stays away from ET and you this month!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Rachel - Trust me, I can see them!
Thanks.

@A whole lot of nothing - Oh do shut up.

@Wpat - Control your woman will you?

@Mr Lady - Competitive wee thing aren't ya?

@Amy - Absolutely yeah? TTC couples on BB...

@ZoeyJane - The familes (bar one person) have no idea what's going on.

@Captain Steve - Not my lot, they'd be rifling through it.

@Hilary - Thanks, as always.

@Sinead - You're welcome to mine. All of them.

@Jayne - They'd find it when rummaging for loose change! (welcome!)

@Quickroute - I could only afford her for an hour or so though.

@TheChrisD - You mean hide it under the empty wine bottles?
Welcome young chap.

@Lirun - More vicious than you could ever imagine! and welcome!...

@James Austin - They don't read this, no. I don't know how far they would understand. They are after all the most fertile humans this side of an x-files episode.

@Ed - 'Destresser' you have no idea how much I want to kick you in the throat right now! ;0)
But clean it shall be regardless!

@Bluestreak - The book hasn't been touched in probably 12 months, bad luck and all that.

@Tismee2 - wtf is a hebe? You live in a dodgy area I reckon.

@Jane G - Funny how universal it all is. 13 is still a hard age to explain this all to.
Do you regret getting those books? I certainly do.
Thanks.

Kelley said...

Don't forget the handcuffs and whips. I find hiding them in the laundry hamper effective. Unless you have someone who likes to help do the washing...

River said...

Shove everything in a suitcase or two and shove them under your bed.

River said...

Hebe is a bush/shrub, hardy green leaves, purple flowers. Google some images and have a look, they're quite pretty. Common name is Veronica here in Australia.

Angel said...

Put everything into plastic storage bins and write "Old Bills" on top of them and then store'em away. They won't touch it for fear you need money!

AF could come move in with me for the next nine months if the end result would bring ET a baby. And I wouldn't offer that for just anyone.

Chaos said...

I'm telling ya, storage bin under the bed, works every time!

Russ said...

Gotta love family visiting! Good luck with that!

geeksinrome said...

Maybe you could get one of those big military footlocker things and store your crap in there and padlock it. Put it at the foot of your bed (ugh, wash the sheets, please) and hide it with frilly pillows and a crocheted throw blanket (not pink, not powder blue).

Then you get another one with a dummy easy-to-jig lock and put your porn, contraceptives, journals with your poetry dedicated to ET, etc.. in that one. Also act real nervous everytime you walk past it.

Your relatives will fall for the ruse and think they hit the jackpot when they snoop in the fake locker. Everyone has secret stash hidden somewhere, just make this one more worthwhile.

'That Girl' said...

Is your family unaware of the issues you've been having? Or are you just noticing how it's all piling up around the house?

Susanica said...

You could always just lie and say it's not your stuff. "You're holding it for a friend". That always works ;-) -Monica

Missives From Suburbia (Deb) said...

This is where a "porn buddy" comes in handy. You have one of those, right? Someone who clears out your porn stash in the event of your untimely death so that your family doesn't discover it while cleaning out your personal effects? I think you need a TTC buddy.

Jane G said...

I laughed at you saying 13 was a hard age to explain all this to. The same girl was overheard by her Mammy when she was about 5 or 6 playing with her friend saying something like "Call the ambulance! Barbie's waters have broken!" I kid you not!! She's the oldest of 3 and she probably has a much older head on her shoulders than a lot of kids her age.

As for the books....the names one does seem to taunt me from time to time, but I haven't looked at it in ages. The two pregnancy ones I bought when I was pregnant. They were a good source of info at the time, and hopefully will be again sometime.

Mike said...

Any of the accidental deaths you mentioned would be more dignified than death induced by slipping on a puddle of "Spencer".....on the kitchen floor.

Horse Chick said...

Xbox,
Just box all that stuff up and hid it in your bedroom!! Just make sure the bathroom & kitchen are really clean! The smell of bathroom cleaner should put them off the trail of "the dreaded boxes". Or maybe you should consider a sacrifice to the fertility Gods and have a hug bonfire with it all? Just a thought....

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Kelley - I've heard of such people, never met on though.

@River - That would be a cracker if they then got cases mixed up on the way home!
An Aussie bush, I like the idea of that...

@Angel - You can expect a messy package in the post any day now! thanks!

@Chaos - Sounds like work though!

@Russ - Don't get me started.

@Geeksinrome - That's very complicated sounding, I'm but a simple man of feeble mind.

@That Girl - Actually, both!

@Susanica - All I need now is a reason to be holding someone else's piss covered plastic and it's a winner!

@Deb - I think, by default, we all have TTC buddies don't we? Otherwise it's just well, paying with yourself!

@Jane G - hahaha, I know what you mean, but I meant the more emotional aspect, the 'trying & failing' aspect.
Of course, sorry, you have good reason to have those books, we don't. Which makes me feel all the more stupid.
In an odd kind of way.

@Mike - Trust me Michael, Spencer is NOT landing on the kitchen floor!

@Horse CHick - Hmmm, they are first time visitors to this house too, so they will want a really good look around!

Horse Chick said...

Damn nosey relatives...I think you need outside storage...or there's the bonfire.....

kittyconcerto.com said...

maybe you could say that you were using that baby name book to name the fertility doll, like most people name their pets.

The most they'll think is you two are quirky. Instead of thinking of you two doing the nasty. ;)

womb for improvement said...

My house guests have just left. I think I got away with it. I'm sure your sisters are better house trained but next time my house guests return I know exactly where to hide baby making paraphanalia; in the dishwasher, kitchen, fridge etc. I've had to bite my tongue to stop myself using the phrase "This isn't a hotel!" (See how good I'd be as a Mum? I already have the stock phrases!).

nh said...

Quick, gather it all together. Hide it with all your cleaning stuff... my sister would never look there! Think of the unsuspecting people in my life - looking in my fridge finding left over injectables!

Marie said...

A book of baby names really is lethal. Watch where you put that thing.

RRP said...

Perhaps you tell the family you've become scientists and their visit coincides with one of your experiments. Wouldn't your dad/brother/uncle's face be precious when you hand him a stick to pee on and tell him you'll be predicting his ovulation during his stay?

May said...

Which reminds me. I have seven used OPKs lolling about in full view in the bathroom right now. At least none of them have infested the printer.

AnnD said...

Put it all in your bedroom. That room is sacred. Anyone caught snooping in there will be more ashamed of themselves than you and ET will be of your baby-making paraphenalia.

Karen MEG said...

Yup, I guess the pee-sticks were the least of your worries...
I suppose none of your family is aware, nor do you wish them to be aware?! Anyways, none of their business. Sometimes it's easier if they don't.
Hope AF is one relative that misses this visit...

tiff said...

Hope Aunt Flo gets as lost as all those other things.

Tyler @ Building Camelot said...

Just what you need...family stress on top of everything else you're dealing with. Once they find out you'll never hear the end of it

Immoral Matriarch said...

*sigh*

Tanya said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Country Girl said...

Hiya!

I read all your last posts, what an interesting blog! Its sad that you haven't quite gotten there, but you will soon and then you will be so relieved.

My SIL and her husband took a long time to conceive thier first, then just before her first birthday they found out they were expecting again while she was on the pill and they weren't trying. a few weeks later they lost the baby and were really confused.

so hang in there, I will continue to read, hopefully next time I read there will be success!

Kori said...

Hi there! Don't have much to add other than Family and Aunt Flo there at the SAME TIME? I mean, I HOPE not, but if so? Start drinking now, because it will be ugly. :)

abritdifferent (Siobhan) said...

Put the face of the Pope on a box and stash everything in there. They'll never look in there. As for the bookmarks, can you move them all to one laptop and then hide the bloody thing?

I know the secrecy thing. Six years on I just BARELY talked about it in a post. I still haven't mentioned it to family in depth. Good luck with all that estrogen around.

Arjan said...

then you would need to bury a real body.
Which would be just as well hehe.

Veronica said...

You know I am laughing at you, right?

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Horse Chick - I'm thinking of a waterproof bag weighed down in the pond...

@Kittyconcerto - I think my family are of the opinion that I'm yet to lose my virginity.

@Womb4improvement - I can almost guarantee you that your guests will have been more domesticated than mine will be.
I have no doubt.

@nh - hahahaha, they probably wanted to stage an intervention for you...bloody drug pushers...

@Marie - it IS the final nail in the giveaway coffin alright!

@RRP - They would be more inclined to believe we've become scientologists I reckon.

@May - funny how used you get to leaving this stuff around without a second thought.
It ruins your toner btw.

@AnnD - Nosey Irish relatives, bedroom is no sanctuary!

@Karen MEG - No, aside from 1 person, no one is aware, and as it stands, there's no desire to tell them at the moment.

@Tiff - Squeezing the last drop of hope out of that one tiff...

@Tyler - Exactly, which is why we intend to keep it private, for now.

@Immoral Matriarch - Sorry, am I boring you?

@Country Girl - Thanks! and welcome. Sorry to hear about your SILs loss, very hard time.

@Kori - Murphy's Law...!

@Abritdifferent - Yes, the privacy thing is just about all you can control in the whole process, so it's good to have SOME say who you tell and when you tell and how much you tell.

@Arjan - Ah, a human is easy to dispose of... feed them to the pigs!

@Veronica - Oh that's nice, not even with me, but at me...

Horse Chick said...

Ah yes, the Pond...good idea, less destruction for the environment!! Now the pigs, that trick really works....ewwwwwwwwww!!!!! Your relatives can't be that bad...can they?? :-(

blogdad said...

How the things that need hiding change. With our twelfth week scan approaching (and public knowledge restricted to grandparents-to-be) we have been carrying out the baby-name check-and-clear when guests have come round too!

Leslie Laine said...

Thanks so much for your feedback on my to tell or not to tell dilemma. I read your June blog and identified with every word of it!

I do appreciate your feedback. I think it just becomes about doing what feels right for you. It's a big risk - just like anything you've kept secret.

It's funny, I always thought that we would have this wonderful moment when we got to announce to everyone we knew that we were going to have a cute little baby. After two years, that moment still isn't here, and I'm so tired of living in secrecy.

It's hard to abandon the dream of "the announcement", but I'm realizing every day that this IF stuff has sucked the strength out of me, and I need the support of the people around me. I don't know - it's a tough call.

Thanks again for your feedback. Love your blog - a great read and so much I completely empathize with!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Horse Chick - I'm all for he planet, until I'm done with it.

@BlogDad - Funny, same story, almost.
Good luck with that scan.

@Leslie Laine - Oh yes, the 'announcement' daydreams.
I've given up on those, too hard.

A lot of course will depend on the ability of those around you to really support you, if you are confident they can, then you are lucky.

Thanks for popping in and the kind words, the very best of luck with your efforts.

Gypsy said...

Good luck keeping it all under wraps!

nola said...

I swear you are walking in my footsteps! When we were there, my inlaws came in town. I had to fanagle picking up from my office a box of meds that got wrongly shipped--and had to be put on ice ASAP--and try to explain they were supplies for my hubby's business--yunno, paper and stuff. Then we had to hide the meds in the fridge AND give me shots every day on the QT. It was miserable! AND didn't take that month.

Glad you have a good sense of humor about it. I had NONE.

Dondi Tiples said...

I'm so sorry! I'm laughing so hard at the picture you've painted, its really hard for me to try to feel any iota of sympathy for you at all.

Gaaah! Its been such a hectic couple of weeks, I haven't visited this site at all, and just when I feel the sky is falling down, I take a look at your blog, and I'm choking on my spaghetti and meatballs! (note to self: do not read xbox's blog while eating)

Well, thank you. And I hope the baby book causes nothing more than a slight concussion.