Friday, 4 July 2008

As I sit in a pool of my own estrogen

The clinic we visited on Tuesday is also a sperm bank, and so they help realise the 'child wish' of all manner of combinations of potential parents.

They help singles mummies, and mummies and daddies, and mummies and mummies, and mummies and mummies who pretend to be daddies, and daddies and daddi...er no, not that combination, but all others, it's great, really.

They advertise that there is NO waiting list for IUI procedures! Wonderful, off you go, pick your milkshake and a couple of squirts later you are good to go.

We, on the other hand, despite 15 failed attempts at the miniaturest version of paintballing known to man, have to wait 9 more months before they would consider squirting me into the missus.

So, as with everything in life, I've formulated a near perfect solution.

It takes 7 months to become a cleared sperm donor here in Holland.

That means I could donate samples, and have plenty of time to divorce ET so she's a single woman, or alternatively complete my transition into a woman (through a carefully planned process of infertility blogging) so that we would be a lesbian couple by the time my donated sample is cleared for use for IUI.

A saving of a whole two months on when we would be eligible for help in our current situation.

If they can be absurd, so can I.

52 comments:

Angel said...

That is absolutely absurd and makes me want to slap someone around. So ET could go in there right now and get stranger sperm pretty much immediately but they won't give you a porn and fifteen minutes of private time so she can have your contribution? That's just dumb.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Angel - fifteen minutes? ET is pissing herself at the thought...you do overestimate me somewhat...
But, yes, absurd.

amy turn sharp of doobleh-vay said...

that is crazy man! I am thinking of you guys so much- my best friends are going though this too xoxoxoxo

karmaleeanddavid@hotmail.com said...

well, what can i say, my life is going along swimmingly, even if yours isn't, take off and celebrate the fourth with usin americans, 40 seconds, oh the williams sisters in with 2. million on the line when they win 1 in singles, 2 in singles and l in doubles, there goes 4 minutes, fed vs. nadal jus as you predicted, is cyle 16 finished or do we have to wiat till the end of theis tennis fortnight?

Krista said...

Oh wow. And they say that everyone has equal access... I guess the "traditional" families don't count anymore, huh?

Christi said...

Go in for an IUI, at the last moment fake an injury and have ET swap their sample with yours while they are distracted.

Don't turn into a woman. We're way too bitchy.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Amy turn sharp - It is a bit crazy, best of luck to your friends, hope they have a smoother ride!

@Putz - I'm delighted for you!
Cycle 15 is over and finished a few days ago, 16 has begun, and will run for a few weeks yet.
Federer, I have no doubt in.

@Krista - Well it's not a criticism of anything that may be considered non-traditional by any means, just an illustration ass to how silly it all can get!.
Thanks.

@Christi - I could hold my own with the bitchiest, believe me...!


Nice to see some different commentators!

Lilacspecs said...

AND you could play with your own bewbies!

zoeyjane said...

what lilacspecs said, plus other bits.

Gail said...

What you're fed up with us oldies?

I'd believe anything in this mixed up world of ours these days. No fun for the regular 'run of the mill' folk. You've got to be of the 'unusual' ilk to get stuff on a plate now.

Short, toothless and braces isn't good enough anymore!

and what does 'estrogen' actually look like?

womb for improvement said...

I do like the paintballing analogy.

The rest of the plan needs a bit of work, particularly the whole sex change bit, blogging in a girl's world does not a woman make. And as I recall you are quite attached to your testicles.

tiff said...

LOL. I got a good chuckle @ the imagery of a sex changed xbox!

Not sure ET would come at the idea...

Hilary (The Trying Game) said...

Excellent point and well said.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Lilacspecs - Win-Win! (just watched 'in bruges' - being somewhat related to you, not bad at all)

@Zoeyjane -I'd like playing with the other bits too I reckon...

@Gail - Estrogen is best described as liquid pink cashmere

@Womb for improvement - 'Splat!'
ok I MIGHT have to think it through a bit, and yes, rather attached, you could say, they have me by the balls.

@Tiff - Not far to go I reckon...
ET wouldn't WHAT at the idea?

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Hilary - Just missed ya... just an illustration of the silliness of it all.

James Austin said...

I would wait the extra two months. Might be a bit difficult to explain to the little one when he/she gets here why you are a lesbian couple!

I am still not clear why that is the policy. Is it an insurance issue? If not, that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard (and remember who is my president!)

Here is to a happy 'accident' in the mean time.

I D said...

FFS! The system where you live is just plain bonkers; but obviously not for the plain bonkers.

B said...

Outstanding form in these posts for the last while, rage must be a great muse.

Do I hear the sound of Hollywood stealing this idea for a film? Unfortunately it'll be some Judd Apatow subsidiary/wayan bros collaboration.

Veronica said...

Makes me wonder why you didn't think of this sooner!

A Whole Lot of Nothing said...

Fuck the Dutch!

Wait, I'm Dutch.

sarah said...

Sounds like you have thought this all out...greaet plan!

If you just want to say fuck it and spend a shit load of money and come to the US, you all are welcome to stay at our place!

Dondi Tiples said...

Makes it sound like they put you on a waiting list for an organ donor. Tsk.

wpat said...

Are all countries in the EU like that? Could you go elsewhere and get the IUI sooner?

mollie97 said...

Absurd doesn't even begin to describe it. How about you go to the media and scream 'Discrimination!'?

*shakes head in disbelief*

Tracey said...

That last comment was posted by Tracey, not mollie97. I WISH THE CHILD WOULD LEAVE MY LAPPY ALONE!!!!!!

Karen MEG said...

GET OUT!!!! That is f'in ridiculous!

Your plan is brillers though... and if ET also had a sex change but kept the requisite mommy parts (to be the 2nd "man" to carry a baby), your baby would have two different sets of parents in one... did I get that right?

Is the wait list to have it covered by insurance/ government, or just to have the procedure itself? I'm almost speechless with this one.

Jill said...

I read this aloud to my husband and we're both shaking our heads at the absurdity of the whole thing!

Fuckity fuck fuck... ridiculous!

Marie said...

Brilliant! You should send this to a national newspaper. Wake up some policy makers.

Eve Grey said...

Oh wow, that is brutally frustrating. RATIONALE fertility people, come up with some.

Kelley said...

Seriously, don't become a woman. You couldn't pull it off.

I suggest watching some Discovery Channel and DIY.

bsouth said...

If I were you, while you're becoming a woman, I'd chop a leg off as well, that'd bump you up the list I'm sure.

baby~amore' said...

Ridiculous the time you now have to wait - brilliant idea though -

AnnD said...

Hopefully they will read this and realize how ridiculous they treated you and ET.

Shamelessly Sassy said...

So, if you turn into a lesbian, are you going to change your name to Xbox4VaginaRash?

Baloney said...

We had to go through some of the fertility stuff as well - but then we adopted our youngest.
It's never easy no matter what the circumstances. It makes me so mad that doctors get away with treating people that way. Why go if they aren't going to help you?
Keep your sense of humor - you are going to need it!

Tara R. said...

That is freakin' brilliant! And, it just might work.

Quickroute said...

The red tape in Holland is starting to sound like the red tape here. Who makes up these rules and why?

Who monitors them for some semblance of logic?

How do you change them?

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@James Austin - It's pure percentages and procedure.
They can tackle 95% of problems in this manner, the other 5% are not worth the bigger effort and cost from them.


@ID - Quite...!

@B - I never thought of it as a muse in fairness, nice idea.
Movie will go ahead ONLY if Devito is free.

@Veronica - Sex changes tend to be my plan B.

@A Whole Lot Of Nothing - Fuck you then!

@Sarah - I'd love to see your face if we landed on your doorstep some 4:30 am...

@Dondi Tiples - yes, and it's my own organ I'm trying to donate!

@wpat - I don't know the details, there are a couple of Spanish clinics that promote their services here.

@Tracey - Would be laughed out my dear. Unapologetically.

@Karen MEG - It's covered regardless, the clinic, & hospital before them, do not do it at this stage as they maintain we have a better chance to conceive at home.

@Jill - India here we come ;0)

@Marie - Honestly, they wouldn't care less.

@Eve Grey - Frustrating indeed, they believe they are being rational thought, the percentage game,

@Kelley - I SO COULD pull it off.

@Bsouth - I'm quite attached to my legs though.

@Baby~Amore - Ridiculous indeed.

@AnnD - 'Treated' or not as the case may be. Thanks.

@ShamelesslySassy - You want me to change my name to an STD?

@Baloney - Yes, I wonder why they don't just say 'stay away until 2 years trying' rather than having us come in all hopefull and get shot down.
Humour is a MUST in this game.Thanks.

@Tara R - It may just, in this absurd world.

@Quickroute - Percentages my man, percentages.
They can handle 95% of the population in this low effort manner, the other 5% are too effort/cost intensive to be worthwhile.
How do I change them? with a hatchet I suspect.


@ALL - thanks for the comments folks, especially the few new people, it's nice to read the interest.

Deb (Missives From Suburbia) said...

Immigrate.

B said...

The Wayans brothers say they cant get Danny DeVito, but can get Marlon Wayans to be pretending to be Danny DeVito as part of the film.

"Marlon Wayans gets married to a woman, she was a member of the KKK so he pretend to be Danny DeVito to maintain her affections... however trouble comes when they discover Marlon is inpotent... through a devious plan he decides to undergo a sex change.
See these and many more hilarious antics when s/he attempts to hide his/her blackness throughout the sex change in Big Black Man Becoming Little White Woman While Attempting To Conceive"

Momo Fali said...

I think you're on to something.

Yolanda said...

great idea.

i don't have much to say, i just thought i'd delurk by telling you i read you in google reader.

thank you for sharing. it's both funny and painful. but, duh. i'm sure you already knew that.

Huckdoll said...

Ew. Only you could turn me off of milkshakes.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@B - Use the word impotent around me again and I'll have to seperate you from some of your limbs....

Cheeky git.

@Momo Fali - I may be ON something...

@Yolanda - Thanks for delurking, it's nice when people pop up to say hello.
Thanks very much.

@Huckdoll - But I bet you fancy a hot dog right now...

B said...

It's Hollywood, they have to exaggerate.

Captain Steve said...

Congratulations on realizing your female wish! Now, how long have you had this wish, ma'am?

Yeah. Their suckage is epic and more than a little confusing. How come you have to wait but no one else does?

Leslee said...

I can laugh at this only because I've had the SAME EXACT THOUGHT. I've considered somehow convincing my RE that my donor and I have had a *ahem* relationship because, well, I've had six close encounters with millions of his "boys," so why not give fresh IUIs a shot? But no, they don't consider that to be the case, and insist they'll only allow for the (get ready for it) more expensive frozen IUI thing. Jerks.

Good luck with your plan... can't wait to hear what the missus thinks of that!

Leslee
babyattheend.blogspot.com

iVegasFamily said...

Obsurd is right. But I don't think becoming a woman is worth that extra two months. Who knows? Perhaps the test to receive your lickher license will be easy to pass.

May said...

*Bangs head repeatedly on wall*

Because that feels so much nicer than dealing with Medical Bureaucracy.

Jenni said...

now you're using your noggin. ;)

Our Crooked Tree said...

You have answer for everything don't you? ☺

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@B - I'll exagerate tearing you limb from limb!

@Captain Steve - Epic Suckage, I like that. We have to wait because they can't find anything amiss with basic checks. Advanced checks cost too much effort/time/money for them.

@Leslee - The ins and outs of it DO get a bit silly don't they. Know where I can get my hands on a good turkey baster?

@iVegasFamily - er..my WHAT now?
nutter.

@May - That IS what it feels like, all avenues are brick walls.

@Jenni - About time I used the big head anyway.

@Our Crooked Tree - I really wish I did!