Thursday, 2 April 2009

Mother nature & Dr. DooALittleTooMuch

They've done it before, and now they are doing it again.

Under our very noses, at this very moment, they are rogering each other senseless in an amphibious orgy.

They are out there now, flaunting their fertility en mass. There's hardly a patch of water surface area that doesn't have a couple of froggy heads peering out totem pole style.

Dozens of sets of 4 bulging post pond coital eyes gazing up at us, having ridden each other ragged.

The croaking is getting louder and louder, akin to announcing that they are about to slip into something a little more comfortable. The water is rippling like an inconvenient duvet in the wake of kermitty couples jockeying for the best position.

Within days we'll be slipping on piles of fertilised frog spawn, and in just weeks the garden will be a living hallucination as tiny frog babies hop all over the place.

Last year I was irritated by their brazenness, and overwhelmed by their fecundity, but this year I feel a certain kinship with my pond-dwelling buddies.

On the surface we may not look much alike, but similarities exist. They too have to wait for the signs before they can commence their own project of hump n'hop, we note it's CD14, they note it's the end of March. If you think we are under pressure to give it our best on cue once a month, can you comprehend the level of froggy stress at having only one shot a year? You may moan about the state of your sheets afterwards, but just imagine having to swim around all day with your own embryos floating around your head.

I wonder if frogs can be infertile? Are there a couple of pale, short, brace wearing frogs in the pond somewhere, huffing and puffing with no tadpoles to call their own?

If I could identify them, I'd help.

I'd break up a 100mg Clomid tablet, stick the pieces to some dead insects, and toss them into the pond. Little froggy ET would gobble them up, get all emotional for a while, but then I'd bring her out and give her our unused trigger shot.

I'd coax little froggy xbox into a shoebox, leaving him with my iPod running videos of animal planet and a contact lens holder to deposit into.

All that would remain would be get little froggy ET to spread those French delicacies of hers long enough for me to find her amphibious love tunnel and fill her with her beau's best.

I wouldn't charge them a penny for my services and kindness, but should froggy xbox and froggy ET accidentally happen to meet their demise at the paws of our neighbour's cat, I'd raise their tadpole family as my own.

If that Madonna bitch doesn't get there first again.


40 comments:

Chaos said...

Oh my! That damn Madonna just taking all the abandoned tadpoles!

Horse Chick said...

Careful!!! I believe she's could lurking in the garden RIGHT NOW!!

Elfinamsterdam said...

Honestly tho.... where is she NOT.
Its all a bit Mia farrow for my taste....

Anonymous said...

I hate frogs, they scare me. I could never live where you live...

Rikki said...

How kind of you to extend your service to the animal kingdom. :) Thanks for a good laugh!

womb for improvement said...

Well, if proof were needed that you've completely lost the plot ...

Jane G said...

Frogmella Fitzgerald. That has a nice ring to it!

Smartysniffle said...

See smarty pants me left a smarty comment on your 2008 posting which referred to your 2008 cheekiness, me being envious of cheeky chappies, and only realized when I tried to un-xbox. And now I don't know what to say.

WhatAboutNovember said...

LOL. "You may moan about the state of your sheets afterwards, but just imagine having to swim around all day with your own embryos floating around your head."

bsouth said...

Wow, the tension those poor little froggies must feel. It's a wonder they manage to perform at all!

Bonnie B. said...

Exactly what size white coat with the REALLY long sleeves should I order for you, Xbox?

Amber said...

This was so witty it became adorable.

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

Where do you find a speculum that small?

Putz said...

laugh, laugh, laugh, poor little wallflower froggies out there, and little miss et froggie but this month the oooze of fertility will bring little tap poles out in their glory...don't be afraid, god is over all...maybe he expects you to be his king,, god, cocreator of all that is good, maybe you are the next abraham, more progeny thaan the sands of the seas....don't fear your greatness nappy...be allll that you can be...really be praying for you

Putz said...

laugh, laugh, laugh, poor little wallflower froggies out there, and little miss et froggie but this month the oooze of fertility will bring little tap poles out in their glory...don't be afraid, god is over all...maybe he expects you to be his king,, god, cocreator of all that is good, maybe you are the next abraham, more progeny thaan the sands of the seas....don't fear your greatness nappy...be allll that you can be...really be praying for you

Momo Fali said...

Maybe you shouldn't drink before you post.

Claire said...

"If that Madonna bitch doesn't get there first again"

Hilarious. It takes a lot to make me laugh out loud, but that just did it. You never know, you might be making the froggies jealous this month, what with all those ripe follicles! Still crossing all my appendages in hope for you!

Colleen - Mommy Always Wins said...

There are too many things about this post that made me chuckle...but I think the best is Angie's comment. I'm imagining teeny tiny stirrups...

Mick said...

Fantastic post. You are cracking me up!

But the comment from Anonymous was just as funny. "I could never live where you live." LMAO

Russ said...

Don't leave off Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, they do their fair share of adopting too.

Kori said...

Oh my fucking god. You have officially gone over the edge. And I am loving it!

frog ponds rock... said...

Yay for Frogs...

James said...

Chances are there are infertile frogs. Wait, I think i visited ones blog just the other day. Compelling stuff.

Anja said...

"On the surface we may not look much alike, but similarities exist"

Size wise, the similarities are remarkable.

Sarah said...

I love frogs. Do you think if you shipped me a box of them, any would survive?
I suppose I could just start my own froggy brothel here. It may take a while though....I havent seen a frog in forever.

iVegasFamily said...

You continue to intrigue me with your posts. Well done my friend.

Ms. Moon said...

Lovely. Just lovely. And we are going through the same thing here in North Florida. Last night a frog got into our little pond and was croaking so loudly I thought he must be the size of a cat but no, he was only one small sized frog.

Widdle Shamrock said...

Frogs are small, green things and Xbox has a .......

Yes **nods** similarities.

Dto3 said...

X - you are one sick sumbitch. Funny, though.

Chhandita said...

I think Madonna is looking towards India right now, so i think your froffy babies are safe...

Angel said...

I don't know how you do it. You're amazing. Also a bit weird. How do you know so much about frogs? That's just weird.

Oh, and I just heard that Madonna's latest adoption just got denied. The poor thing might have to follow the rules for once. Pity that.

River said...

Well, that made me laugh. Froggy totem poles. We actually have a little garden statue of two frogs "piggybacking" We named them Kermit and Freddo.
That Madonna annoys me, although her intention is good, wanting to adopt to give the child a better life. Why not adopt an orphan instead of taking a child away from its family. If she wants that particular child to have a better life, the why not donate money to help the whole family? Maybe even set up a fund to help the village?

River said...

Angie- a speculum that small? Tweezers, honey.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Chaos - heh heh..

@Horse Chick - She might clean the bloody thing up a bit if she is...

@Elfinamsterdam - I'd be more concered about Woody

@Anonymous - Funny, it's not quite the amazon, its a wee pond with a few frogs is all

@Rikki - Me & mother Theresa!

@womb for improvement - Yes, a tad unstable at the moment....

@Jane G - Don't talk about my frogs ring like that

@Smartysniffle - Plonker ;-)

@WhatAboutNovember - True though...

@bsouth - Exactly!

@Bonnie B. - What are you suggesting!

@Amber - a small step away from creepy!

@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] - The frog family planning clinic, where else?

@Putz - Just call me Abe...

@Momo Fali - Or drink more...?

@Claire - Didn't like that line myself....

@Colleen - Mommy Always Wins - Don't, you'll give her a big head.

@Mick - I laughed at that too, wild kingdom in our garden.

@Russ - SHow offs.

@Kori - I'm glad my instability pleases you so...

@frog ponds rock... - Heh...

@James - Do they blog hop?

@Anja - Bite me.

@Sarah - Freak...

@iVegasFamily - Have to do something to keep busy.

@Ms. Moon - Florida? you sure that's not a croc?

@Widdle Shamrock - behave...

@Dto3 - Ahh thanks.

@Chhandita - Keep her there...

@Angel - Oh, what a shame....

@River - We could all do with the laugh I guess. I was planning tweezers too...

Hellbrain said...

I put a frog in the microwave once. Possibly the best experience of my life, besides having sex with my hand.

Tanya said...

Apart from frogs, lots of other animals have interesting reproductive cycles as well! I was amazed at my dog when she had puppies, the mating was quick, (the 'knotting' was scary, she yelped!) the gestation was only 12 weeks, and when she gave birth it was so beautiful and peaceful, it would have hurt her so much but she sat and silently pushed them out one at a time and cleaned them to get their circulation and breathing going. Then she lay quietly watching them while they fed. I think all creatures would have some sort of chance of being infertile, there would be so many reasons for it, sometimes it can even come down to the weather especially if gobal warming mucks up the mating patterns.

Deb said...

That has to be the best final line of any blog post. Ever.

Dondi Tiples said...

That froggy analogy had me in stitches! Hrhrhrhrhr!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Hellbrain - That's just dull, unless you turned it on.

@Tanya - Tanya the crocodile hunter...

@Deb - Nooooooooooo!

@Dondi Tiples - could have me in a mental home...

Arizaphale said...

My mum and dad had a frog pond which drove them so mad they got rid of it. The frogs did not seem to notice but came back the following year to copulate and lay their eggs on the paving stones. A Darwin moment.
Great post.