Friday, 12 February 2010

Bravo Zulu Fatso Mango

Tensions are running high here on Walton’s mountain.

In fairness, there isn’t a mountain within 300 miles of us and we are about 2 good days of rain away from needing canoes, but the brain is feeble today and misplaced topographical parallels are all I can muster.

Not content with forcing me into having to put on its mother’s shoes and socks, this child also seems intent on making her walk like a wardrobe being pushed up a hill. This, it transpires, is due to the fact it’s bloody massive.

That’s the midwife’s official view anyway, which she shared with us today while running through the measurements from last week’s scan.

An average head, colossal belly, and tiny legs. Yes indeed, the universe is getting its own back on me, and I’m going to be raising someone that looks like Jabba the hutt.

The upside of growing a monstrous all consuming savage is that they won’t let it get too big without smoking it out. Apparently if it reaches the size of a hotel mini-bar it’s quite difficult to remove through a vaginal passage. Who knew?

Add to all this the fact that concerns that have been voiced over our ability to appropriately name the kid, and it’s feared we will call it after a fruit, or a celebrity, or a celebrity fruit. Therefore we’ve decided to embrace a new name for the belly dweller.

Mango. Fatso Mango.

So you, you umbilical bungee jumping big lipped bugger, this is a warning to you. Make an appearance soon Fatso Mango or we’re coming in there to get you out.

Over and out.


45 comments:

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

You and little Jabba will travel the world together climbing mountains.

Such a nice thing to imagine.

Bonnie B. said...

Fatso Mango Fitzgerald? LOVE IT!

If it's any consolation, larger babies tend to sleep better (longer) after they're born. Or, at least that's the lie they told me with my first one...

Amanda Bowden said...

Oh dear! You really should NOT have spoken to Mango like that! You know now s/he will be hell bent on making you wait - just because s/he can!

Ms. Moon said...

Mmmmm. Well. Maybe. They are often wrong on these pre-birth size estimations. They certainly were with Lily when the PROFESSIONAL DOCTOR SONOGRAM GUY told her three weeks before she delivered that her baby might already weigh 10 pounds and that she needed to go ahead and have him SOON! Well, as we all know, three weeks later when Owen was born, he was only 9 lbs. 13 oz. So okay, "only" might not be the best word but you know what I'm saying- they are frequently wrong.
I like Mango Fatso. Good name.
Mango Fatso will be here when Mango Fatso wants to be here. And of course, the midwife told you that having sex can bring on labor, right?
Stop laughing.
Get busy.

Lorna said...

Gosh, if your child ever reads your blog, he/she will have their work cut out to get their own back re name calling. Good luck to ET, hope she isn't too worried

Sarah said...

LMAO! Not until tomorrow. Thats when he will make his appearance.

areyoukiddingme said...

Nice to see you're already making threats that you can't/won't back up...good practice for fatherhood!

Fatso Fitzgerald does have a nice ring...

Hyphen Mama said...

You'll be happy you got in a lot of one-on-one time with ET's private parts in the couple of years preceding the birth... because if memory serves me correctly, it might be a while before you or she want you anywhere near "the region" again.

Counting down Fatso Mango!

Hockeymandad said...

Fatso Mango sounds like a porno Star Wars bounty Hunter name. Cool.

QoB said...

following on from Ms. Moon, maybe it would be helpful to look up some stats on "macrosomia" (big baby), how ultrasound measurements can be off by +/-2lb., and the risks of induction (breathing difficulties, higher c-section rate etc.), as well as the possible benefits (obviously, all goes well and you get to meet little Mango sooner).
Also, off-topic, but your piece in the Irish Times was fab.

Poppy said...

I just realized that the date and time I picked for the pool has come and gone! Sooooooooooooo....I'm over it.

Done waiting. Mango Fatso can stay where she is for all I care.

*stomps off in a snit*


*comes running back*

I was only joking!! Here little baby! Come out! Come out! Wherever you are!!

Anonymous said...

Two identical nine pounders I produced - both had a bit of a 'Churchill' look about them but thankfully they didn't arrive armed with a large cigar!

and look on the bright side, you wont be needing the teeny tiny newborn stuff so take it back for a refund!

Gail

hotmamamia said...

Bigger babies are hungrier but more gorgeous and more content. DO NOT be surprised if you end up a c-section...if baby Mango gets that big, they might opt for that...like you said in your last post...we sit, all over the world, waiting on the edge of our seats for your little miracle to arrive! Soon, very soon!

Mick said...

She'll come out when you least expect it. Shit, I think I'm more excited now than I was in July! :-/

frogpondsrock said...

You know that name has stuck now, don't you?

River said...

Well, it's the 13th here already, so my guess at the birth date was wrong too. Hopefully you and ET won't have to wait too much longer to meet your little Mango.

Monty said...

Shouldn't you be spending more time fretting and less time blogging?

womb for improvement said...

Fatso Mango, eh? Well you've given away the sex with that name.

tomi said...

Fatso Mango - just too cute :D

Barbara said...

Scaramouche, scaramouche can you do the fat mango, thunderbolts and lightening etc etc.

Also, I would like to echo concerned comments about induction, cascade of intervention, c-section risk and the inaccuracy of scans. Can I also throw in a bit about women not growing babies bigger than they can birth otherwise we'd be a bit of a failure as a species?

Sorry, I'll put my soapbox away now.

Susanica said...

You're going to give the lad/lass a complex about his body shape before he's even born? Hmmmm???? Maybe he/she is not fat, just juicy. Juicy Mango Fitz. Like that better I think. Any time now. Any time. -M

Deb said...

I was told with my first child that prenatal measurements can be off by as much as a pound in either direction. Hmm... I initially said that to try to make you feel better, but then I realized that means your kid might even be a pound larger than estimated. Maybe you should start lifting weights in preparation for carrying sweet Fatso.

Putz said...

knowing that he is a fatso makes me even more glad i put some extra ounces on him{although i omce had him at 10 pounds}

livingrightnow said...

Fatso Mango. LMAO.

Are you guys getting impatient yet?

-Tanya

People in the Sun said...

Fatsomango in Hebrew, means "He who is without fear." Fact.









OK. I lied.

Manuel said...

Fatso Mango?

Used to go to school with a kid called Fatso Mango...juicy kid, not as fat as you'd think...heh

James (SeattleDad) said...

Curse you. That was going to be the name for our next child.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] - You're on drugs

@Bonnie B. - because they too fat to do anything other than sleep?

@Amanda Bowden - it's looking that way...

@Ms. Moon - yes they could be wrong, it could be BIGGER.

@Lorna - thick (fat) skinned...

@Sarah - FAIL...

@areyoukiddingme - we shall see!

@Hyphen Mama - Hhmmmmm

@Hockeymandad - I feel a tshirt coming on...

@QoB - They won't be doing anything unnecessary. And thanks.

@Poppy - Very few possible correct guesses remain!

@Gail - busted at the seams!

@hotmamamia - You've managed to insult all the average and small sized babies in the world there

@Mick - because you know you won't have to catch it...

@frogpondsrock - Yes, intended.

@River - and its now heading for the 16th....

@Monty - shouldn't you be looking for some STD remedy or something?

@womb for improvement - I know, for shame

@tomi - we'll see about that!

@Barbara - if we stuck solely to mother nature and let this wonderful species do it's thing we wouldn't have any baby.

@Susanica - Juicy in the extreme I'm wagering.

@Deb - yes, people seem to forget that the margin for error works both ways.

@Putz - oh dear...

@livingrightnow - No, not at all. Hmmmm.

@People in the Sun - Close, I think it means 'he who is without foreskin' in Hebrew.

@Manuel - You went to school with a Geldoff?

@James (SeattleDad) - Taken. Tough.

Blues said...

Fatso Mango, the mini-bar kid

Anonymous said...

hmmmmmmmm, I think you may have had him by now.

Deno

Anonymous said...

Oh shite, I just seen your post from earlier...damn it!

Denise

wildhare said...

Are you going to keep ***** as a middle name perhaps? Fatso Mango ***** Fitzgerald. That's a mouthful.

Happy waiting to you!

Anonymous said...

Is it here yet? Is it here yet? Is it here yet? Is it here yet? Is it...........

Sorry, It's just too bloody exciting!!!!!!!!

Gail

Hotmamamia said...

Damn, I can't find the post where we all guessed dates, times, etc....when was that one??? Like you have nothing better to do with your time right now than tell me this...I know...pacing?? Racing-pacing yet?? We are!

Rachel said...

I may not be commenting but, I'm always reading.

Laughing at this one.

Anonymous said...

Really hope that no news is good news! I know, I know, your baby BOY! will make its appearance on its own time. This waiting is driving me insane - every few minutes on your blog to see if there is any news. From what i can read, youll be a great dad and a proud one too! The love you will feel is like nothing ever experienced before. Congrats if babes is here already, if not, i will wait patiently like the rest of the world. YOLANDE, SOUTH AFRICA

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Blues - heh...

@Deno - damn it indeed

@wildhare - sounds fair enough to me

@Gail - No.

@Hotmamamia - 'pool party' january.

@Rachel - you can takea a break for a sleep now and then.

@Anonymous - Thanks, it may be a long wait yet...

hairyfarmerfamily said...

I take it your junior Jabba missed out on a (genuinely!) once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to share a birthday with me?!

Bah!

Valery said...

Glad to see you're still online every now and then. Would this coming two weeks be your longest two week wait ever?
Hugs from Amsterdam...

Amanda Bowden said...

Checking in on you often. The waiting game sucks doesn't it???

Putz said...

only 6 more days to go, oh you thought i was talking about your baby, no 6 more days to go before i get my haircut, don't be just such an egotistical sob, you cute little urchin you

steph said...

Only 2 days to go before I can say...

I told ya so! :-)

Rikki said...

Checking in for the 10th time today. I have no life. Waiting for my internet-friends-wife to give birth is the most exciting thing I have going on this here Tuesday.

Hugs!
Rikki

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@hairyfarmerfamily - I think it's aiming for St. Patrick

@Valery - absolutely! thanks.

@Amanda Bowden - MMmmmmmmmgah! yes.

@Putz - admit it, you love me

@steph - Don't hold your breath...

@Rikki - awww bless....

Horse Chick said...

Rikki, I so understand, what else do we have to do in the Midwest (MI)in Feb, eh?