Wednesday, 17 February 2010

Injury-time

She was kidding, surely.

A little obstetric humour to lighten the mood perhaps, considering she had just been poking around the opening of ET’s obstreperous cervix like a drunk driver attempting to touch the tip of his nose.

No. Alas, no.

You are zero centimetres dilated.’

'Zero' is not Dutch for 8. Or for 6, or for 2 for that matter. It’s Dutch for zero.

In theory, the 40 weeks being up and Fatso Mango not budging wouldn’t be a very big deal if it wasn’t for the small matter that Fatso Mango is, well, a fatso. To be more accurate, Fatso Mango being a fatso in itself isn’t the issue, but when it’s combined with the fact that Fatso Mango’s Mammy is only a wee thing it does turn a smidge more problematic.

I’m not one to cause alarm, but the obstetrician couldn’t find the child’s legs on the ultrasound today and we believe that the baby has eaten them for nourishment.

Eaten its own legs so it has, the hungry parasitic savage.

Add that to the fact that I'm not sure if a number on the report we have is the estimated birth weight in grams or the doctor's mobile phone number, and it’s got to come out soon, for everyone’s well being.

40 weeks are up. It’s like joining all the dots, stepping back to admire, and still not having a notion what the picture is.

Idle threats to smoke Fatso Mango out have turned into solid arrangements.

The countdown is on; you have 5 days to make your move.

Come out, come out, wherever you are.


65 comments:

livingrightnow said...

COME ON FATSO MANGO!

-Tanya

Anonymous said...

Well, you've passed my birth date I've given and I'm sure the weight has been eclipsed, so now FATSO MANGO you're on your own to set the record of all time length and poundage. go go go

Hilary (Maya Papaya) said...

Alright, you're officially on my baby-watch list!

SO CLOSE!!!

Tara R. said...

FM is just playing with you now, showing who is really the boss in the family. Get used to it, kids are always in-charge, no matter what the parents think.

Bonnie B. said...

When you didn't post something for the last 2 days, I thought FOR SURE that Lil Fitz had made his debut!!

C'mon Fatso Mango - hurry up already!!! (that'll help, won't it?)

B said...

"the doctor's mobile phone number"
8lb6oz? Those crazy dutch with their weight-based phone dial system.

Are you not going to switch to hours yet?
120 hours!


...No, 117.5hours!

tiff(threeringcircus) said...

Come on FM!

Sarah said...

Yea, so clearly I've dropped the ball on weight and delivery date.

I still say its a boy.

Kori said...

Holy shit. You must be beside yourself.

Joe @ IrrationalDad said...

Damned kids... always making the parents wait. Our man came out a week late (the doctors had to gut my wife and pull him out) at 10 pounds 2 ounces (or 4592 grams for you metric people).

Good luck with your beast.

merinz said...

A good dose of cod liver oil and a bumpy ride in the car should produce some action.

Buck said...

You know, it took a lot of work to get that kid in there. Seems to me she just trying to help get your, err, the government's money's worth.

Ms. Moon said...

Am I going to have to come over there and talk to that child? Because I will, you know.

Jill said...

Ok, I'll admit that when I didn't see anything in my reader these last few days, I had to come here and see if there was a chance that FM arrived...

But then I had to remind myself that babies come whenever the heck they please...

Looking forward to it...

Veronica said...

Come on! We're all waiting and I'm running out of fingernails to bite.

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

OK, this:

"I’m not one to cause alarm, but the obstetrician couldn’t find the child’s legs on the ultrasound today and we believe that the baby has eaten them for nourishment."

made me giggle out loud.

Baby will come when baby SHOULD come, with or without help.

Marita said...

Perhaps if you wave some tempting delicacies around between ETs legs it might tempt Fatso Mango to move out? Show bubs that the grass/food really is greener/yummier on the other side?

Breigh said...

Cripes that time has gone by fast! Do we get a photo of the baby bump before Fatso Mongo exits the building???

Btw, I can't wait to see if you keep calling him/her FATSO MONGO after they are born haha

ru said...

GO GO FATSO MANGO!!!!!

We want a blow by blow account of the historic event by the way...."Sorry darling just got to update my readers....." Just watch out you don't lose your legs too!

ru

Anonymous said...

Ok, someone did point out the possibility of going overdue at some point over the last 40 weeks, right?

I can't imagine the frustration - I was going mad at the end and I had a due date baby - but Fatso Mango WILL come out! Very, very soon. Good luck!

Claire (long time lurker, 2nd time commenter)

AnnB said...

Raspberry leaf tea - pots of it. It smoked out my first one in less than 24 hours! I've passed this tip on to many who have had swift results!

Barbara said...

Thinking of you both lots. Good luck!

WarsawMommy said...

Gah. Fatso Mango - get out of there! Mommy wants to see her feet again.

Headstrong, right from the get-go. Good luck with this one, y'all!

Heather said...

oh good luck to the three of you. fingers crossed it all happens soon.

womb for improvement said...

I don't think where Fatso is, is in question right now.

Catherine said...

I like how you become increasingly Irish in times of stress (so you do)

Do you think Mango'll be out in time for the walk in July? Here's hoping! I think she's a girl, and a stubborn one too :D

Russ said...

Come out where ever you are? Dude, if you can't find him/her at this point, what will have once (s)he is mobile?

AnnD said...

This child is torturing us all! I knew Lil' Fitz was going to do this!

I laughed outloud at the part where you said that the child ate his/her own legs for nourishment!

This is a preview to the child's personality, I'm sure of it!

I'm thinking of you guys! Can't wait to "meet" this Lil' Fitz of yours!

Hockeymandad said...

I predict the 20th will be the day your spawn reveals itself to the world.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@livingrightnow - Dexy's midnight runners?

@Anonymous - who knows!

@Hilary (Maya Papaya) - thats good to know!

@Tara R. - we'll see about that

@Bonnie B. - yes, that'll surely do it

@B - nope, the limit has been reached.

@tiff(threeringcircus) - Hmmm

@Sarah - good luck with that...

@Kori - I was until I went downstairs and but I'll be back beside myself later.

@Joe @ IrrationalDad - that's quite the size...

@merinz - puking and a car wreck most likely

@Buck - government's money is our money...

@Ms. Moon - I do not know.

@Jill - all in time

@Veronica - start on toes.

@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] - yes.

@Marita - a doughnut around the crotch type thing?

@Breigh - mAngo, not mongo!

@ru - yeah, cant really see that happening

@Claire - Yes, it has been mentioned funnily enough.

@AnnB - hmmmm

@Barbara - ta.

@WarsawMommy - thanks

@Heather - soooooooooooooon

@womb for improvement - no, not really

@Catherine - haha, you picked up on that.

@Russ - we're not the brightest

@AnnD - I'm less than sympathetic towards your torture at the moment

@Hockeymandad - you had your chance to predict, so tough.

James (SeattleDad) said...

Fatso needs a little more curing, that's all.

steph said...

"considering she had just been poking around the opening of ET’s obstreperous cervix"

... a well-known obstetric trick to speed up the start of labour.

Get ready, get set, GO!GO!GO!

Mick said...

Ours was the same. Can't wait to hear the good news. :-)

Susanica said...

Oh the drama! Come out little one. Or not so little one. Now! -M

Michelle said...

When I reached week 40 with my first my Doc told me that first babies are usually at least 3 days overdue. My daughter was 5. So hang in there, the end is near.

Anonymous said...

As I said previously - a hot curry, large glass of wine or two and a game of Monopoly!

This is almost as painful as watching the last ten minutes of a Newcastle match with a 2-0 lead!


Gail

Marylin said...

Go for lots of walks. LOTS of LONG walks. Many many walks. Walking is GOOD.

Worked for me, both times! x

mammydiaries said...

I'm already preparing myself for huge tears of Happy when you post the glad tidings :) COME ON FATSO MANGO!!!!!

areyoukiddingme said...

*Taps foot impatiently*

Lydia La La said...

You are so going to be into a great learning curve.

All the very very best for the birth and love to the sweet little one and may your wife have great fortitude.

OOOXXX

AMH said...

FWIW, I was 0 cm dilated at my last midwife appt, and my water broke to start labor less than 24 hours later.

K8 the Gr8 said...

From past experience I can tell you that eating extra hot vindaloo curries and castor oil while having sex during a very bumpy car journey does NOT get things moving any faster...

...but it is a lot of fun and should be tried anyway.

Anonymous said...

Ye best have a wheel chair ready for this one now that he has decided to eat his legs.....typical Irish man.
The first one needs to be smoked out I'm afraid, my lad was 5 days over.

Deno

Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

apparently if the father repeatedly punches himself really hard in the face while tightening his balls in a vice it stimulates the labour hormones in the woman and ensures an easy labour.

Go do that.

geeksinrome said...

solid threats do have away of making things move along. also OBs poking at your cervix helped me with my second. Or you as hubby could poke said cervix with your *ahem* I hear that gets things moving ;)

Good luck!! come out baby!!!!!!!

Alexicographer said...

Wow! How exciting. My son arrived at 40w5d...

hotmamamia said...

I hate to say I told you so, but, I told you so! I'm just sayin...Fatso is going to be more gorgeous than you can even begin to imagine if HE is a c-section...no squeezed pinhead...no smooshed nothing...a gorgeous round beuatiful bambino...Specs went so far as to break my water without dropping or dilating me one stinking little cm....9 pounds 6 ounces of BEAUTIFUL baby she was...a perfect c-section!

tomi said...

I have to admit I laughed when I read the part about eating legs - I feel terrible.

I can't believe he's almost here :D

Come on Fatso Mango - people want to meet you :D

xoxo

Momma said...

I'll admit a few days with no post and I told Jared the baby must be here! Needless to say...we are all anxiously awaiting the arrival of this precious baby we've all come to love!

My due date was a Thursday, and Friday when I went to my regular visit the doctor was confused as to why no baby! He set up an appointment for induction on the following Wednesday but Ace decided to finally arrive on his own Monday evening! In time...your entire world is going to change!!!

Momma said...

Oh yeah....and the 10 pounder they kept scaring me I was having ended up being perfectly tiny at 6 pounds 8 ounces! HA to medical science and their fancy guess!!!

The Sheila said...

How's ET coping with it all? Hope she's ok. Best of luck over the next few days to you both.

Jane G said...

I'll send over 20 major (the ciggies, not the blogger!) in the post and you can smoke the little bugger out.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@James (SeattleDad) - bloody hell, it's cooked, big time.

@steph - 2 days later, and nada...

@Mick - watch this space...

@Susanica - sigh...

@Michelle - just how near though...

@Gail - I'll try not to get her drunk in fairness...

@Marylin - so they say!

@mammydiaries - all in time...

@areyoukiddingme - Hmmmm

@Lydia La La - Thank you.

@AMH - you never know!

@K8 the Gr8 - making me hungry

@Deno - that's looking likely

@Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo - really?

@geeksinrome - some things are just logistially impossible ;-)

@Alexicographer - close...

@hotmamamia - I hate to say it also, but shut up with the 'I told you so'.

@tomi - he eh?

@Momma -...sooooooon....

@The Sheila - I think the term is 'as well as can be expected'

@Jane G - the blogger might work better

Putz said...

i am still on for the birthdate. and i don't believe all this fatso stuff, although my ten pounds of potatoes might be more accurate now, i am so in the grooove with rthis, and no i am not a bit worried about THE BOY

People in the Sun said...

Our boy never descended. After 42 weeks, the doctor just asked, "OK, you want to have a baby now?" and that was it. FM will be here one day. I swear.

Chelsea Lietz said...

anxiously awaiting more news!

Nicki said...

Come on Fatso Mango - any news yet??

River said...

Couldn't find the legs?? Sonographer was probably looking at the placenta that your cute little baby is hiding behind.

Steve said...

Our first came out a full 15 (yes fifteen) days late and the wait was nerve-wracking to say the least. So, sending sympathy your way.

Horse Chick said...

does it help to hear about everyone's OVERDUE babies...like "misery loves company"...I'm just asking????

hotmamamia said...

OMG...I have my computer practically on automatic checking this site at least twice a day...I am STALKING little Fitz!!! At least you KNOW you have a definite 'final' date if needed...c'mon Fatso Mango Fitzy!!!

Anonymous said...

You haven't posted today so.................
is it here yet? is it here yet? is it here yet???????

Gail

Amanda Bowden said...

Well - both our due dates have come and gone. Damn!!!! Come on little one (and that is directed to both of our bundles!)

Iota said...

You joke about smoking him out, but google "moxibustion" when you have a spare moment. Worked for my sister-in-law.

You have already tried the other time-honoured method, ie make an appointment for an induction. That often brings them out the night before.

mybumpyjourney said...

My well meaning sister pulled my mom's shirt and called "ollie ollie oxen free" down it when my was 6 months pregnant...and my mom had my little brother two weeks later....obviously we didn't want that to happen at the time.

Perhaps it might work for you though. :)

COME ON FATSO MANGO!