Sunday 25 November 2007

What do you do if you see a spaceman?

Dudes and Dudettes, I'm totally out of it.
'Why so dear chap?' I hear you and dozens of little forest creatures cry in unison. Well, sit right down and I'll tell you why...

One drawback to all the lovely free bed testing you get to enjoy when trying to get your little lady knocked up, is having to persevere with the intimacy even while she is coughing her lungs up, and spluttering the contents of her brain out due to the hideous headcold that is doing the rounds in these parts, which, incidentally, I'm certain is a strain of birdflu.

As a result the very worst has happened, I've gotten the headcold.

Now as all you ladies will know, a male headcold is infinitely more life threatening than a female headcold, due to our inability to suffer in silence. So in an attempt to fight off the possibilty that I may never be able to walk again, I've been pumped full with dodgy over the counter Dutch cold medicine.
Considering that you can buy cannabis as easily, cheaply, and legally as you can buy say, a snickers bar in this country, you may understand my distrust of something you may need to get a prescription for.

So as I type, I'm hallucinating profusely, having drunk forty-two liters of the dreadfully named 'Hot Coldrex', which I believe was served to me by John Lennon, who, for some inexplicable reason had Bob Hope in his pocket peeling a tangerine.

Reflecting on this situation as a whole, I can't help but wonder (a) Am I the grossest man on the planet married to the grossest woman on the planet because we encourage copulation when one of us is oozing? (b) will her, and now me, having this pigsucking headcold mean that our chances of conceiving are lessened this month now, even after I shelled out silly money to the worst airline on the planet for flights to Ireland for 'quality relaxing time' last weekend? and (c) am I the shallowest man alive for unnecessarily bringing the price of the airfare into the discussion when I'm sure I had your sympathy anyway?

Miraculously, as I peel my face off the keyboard and try to stick the G key back in, I notice that we are almost at the end of the month again, my month that is, the little cycles we've been living in for 7 months now. Within a few days I'll either be writing tales of woe and desperation (I may just copy/paste 1 of the last half dozen I've already posted) or the world I live in could start spinning in the opposite direction forever.

As it happens I am very positive and very confident this time. Man this stuff is goooood....

I'm off to play mixed doubles badminton with Ronald Regan, Yvonne Goolagong, and Eva Peron.

P.S. the answer...'Park the car man !'


Joeprah said...

This is wonderfully entertaining and funny stuff, all be it at your expense. That Bob Hope thing ruled and so did the line about guys and headcolds. Perfect. Great work!

Martin said...

I don't understand, you must be confusing me with someone else.

I'm Irish remember.

Work...hahaha, you guys crack me up.

Anonymous said...

Hi x-box man.
Firstly my sympathies to your wife for being sick and for having you sick too. LOL. You are too funny and too honest. Men with colds are terrible creatures.

Secondly, have faith. My third daughter was conceived during a bout of gastro so;
a) not gross at all. I think poo and spew is worse than snot hands down, we must be the grossest couple on earth.
b) conception can still occur when you are woefully ill
c)did you mention cost? I thought you only mentioned that it ws the worst airline in the world.

Hope the hallucinations settle down soon.
Keeping everything crossed for you both this month.

Martin said...

You're just too kind tiff, too kind.

Work today was NOT fun with this headcold.

'Spew' I haven't heard that term since my days watching Home & Away.

I miss Pippa.

NH Yocal said...

I think oozing, hallucinations and sex go hand and hand so I even though I sympathize, especially about the money, you are doing the right thing. Hope you guys feel better soon!

Martin said...

"I think oozing, hallucinations and sex go hand and hand "

Did I meet you at college ?