Friday was a beauty of a blow, and I wasn't quite sure how to handle it when I got home from work.
I must be living away from home for too long because it took me at least 5 minutes to come up with the good old Irish solution. Drink. Stereotypes don't come out of nowhere.
When ET arrived home we popped open a bottle of champagne and called for pizza. Then we popped open another.
You may think it a spooky coincidence that we chose to eat pizza on the evening of the biggest disappointment so far and it also was what we ate on the evening we decided to start a family, but no, there's no coincidence, we are just greedy, lazy pigs.
The days that followed have been a bit weird, not really sad, but a bit indifferent. Energy is at a premium, and laughs are few and far between.
I do wonder when will the energy return, or even if it will return.
Yet another irony of trying to conceive is, even when there seems to be no point anymore, you can't stop yourself thinking in cycle days, ovulations, luteal phases and all the rest.
ET claims she is now having trouble taking a piss without a stick in her hand.
I've read a statistic which puts the percentage of couples still trying to conceive by the time cycle 12 comes around at 1.7%.
We are into number 14. Two weeks from today we return to the reproductive specialist.
Which brings me to infertility.
I've joked a lot about it affecting us, and I even hinted at it way back in the 'early days'.
As much fun as it was to poke fun at myself about it, I don't want to anymore, I want this to be a story of snotty noses and shitty arses, or even back to the days when it was just about constant humping and jokes about wobbly bits and ice packs. I don't want this to be the story it's become, the one we just have to admit to, a story of infertility.
I wonder would the dudes at Alltop or Cre8Buzz create a section for malfunctioning man-bits or wonky woman thingys.
"My name is Xbox4NappyRash and I am an infertility blog."
To those of you who have commented on the last entry, or mailed, or made outrageously generous offers, all we can say is thank you. We are both overwhelmed and grateful. Thanks.
That's the thing about trying. No matter how hard you want to, you can't switch your brain off from thinking about cycle days and raised hips and zinc tablets.
Crossing fingers for renewed energy.
Sending you lots of good thoughts and happy fertile turtle thoughts.
I am so sorry, it must be frustrating.
But the fact that you deal with it with such humor and self deprecation is amazing.
You break my heart and make me smile all in one post. It's amazing.
Eish, I wish I could explain how much my heart goes out to you both. As I said, my husband and I tried for over 3 years and when I think back on it all I see is a blur of pregnancy tests, hospital visits, and way too much sex when I wasn't really in the mood for it.
Infertility is a killer, and unless you've been through it there is no way to understand how emotionally draining it can be. There's also no way to explain how badly you want to punch people who make little quips like 'oh well at least you get lots of practice' or 'hey trying is the fun part!' because lord knows TTC sex is a whole different kettle of fish than JFF (just for fun) sex.
The worst part is, with all the TTC sex the last thing that seems like the fun thing to do is sex with no purpose.
I actually remember saying to my husband once that I refused to give him oral sex because it was a waste of sperm. We knew we were in trouble that day. :P
Anyhow, I feel your pain (and hers, definitely hers...)
There are SO many of us who wish the best for you both. Well, not me, but everyone else.
It will get better. Never underestimate the powers of the Reproductive Specialist.
Wishing you guys the very best, always.
Hang in there.
As usual, nothing to say. I am at a loss, and hope you feel my support even when I SO can't even come up with a decent thing to say. Excpet that perhaps I won't complain about my kids so much anymore. Love you guys.
The statistics you are relying on or for those that go it alone. The stats are completely different for those working with a specialist. You need to erase the board and think of it as Cycle 1 with the specialist and not Cycle 14. It really is a new ballgame.
I experienced all you are going through. I cried all the time and struggled just to get up and brush my teeth. Going to work was a bitch. But you do need to keep up with your life because (1) it helps distract you and (2) helps put things in perspective and (3) you need the money!! :)
I am glad you are blogging. I wish I had during that time. I held it all in and suffered privately. And that took its toll on my marriage, too.
My doc said that we'd have thought him a god if he'd have gotten us pregnant on the first cycle. It's just so early and there is much for the specialist to learn and tweak from month to month.
So as hard as the last 14 months have been, you really are starting anew. So find your energy in that (as best you can).
Wishing all the best to you and ET.
I am crossing all of my fingers for you. Not just two of them, but all of them.
you're very good at dealing with difficult problems through humor but i totally understand why the frustration has worn a blister in the side of your life. i guess i don't truly "understand" since never being in your position so i won't try and give you hollow advice. all i can say is hang in there and know that a famliy of austinites are thinking about you guys.
Hopefully the reproductive specialist could get things moving along faster.
back in the olden days, we couldn't blog on our troubles, we just kept it in, my dad had a mother in a mental hospital for 51 years and never told us kids, and never talked to his dad about it, things were different back then
@Veronica - Yep, You can't switch off, can't fool your own brain.
@Rachel - Thank you. Writing all this is just about keeping the frustration from turning into something that would require a CNN news crew.
@Breigh - All I can do is just nod and agree with everything you said.
SO familiar, so frustrating. Thank you for being open about it.
@A Whole Lot of Nothing - my word you are a prize bitch ;0)
@Hilary - Hope so, can't get much worse! 2 weeks should tell a lot. Hopefully.
@Kori - Very very kind of you. We both thank you.
@Nola - More nodding and agreeing here. So familiar. It is a different ball game I guess, it could be something really trivial that makes all the difference.
Thanks for being open about this.
@Shamelessly Sassy -And yet you type so eloquently! thank you.
@Struglas - Not being smart about it, but you are correct, it's impossible to really understand this from the outside. I know I certainly couldn't.
But the good wishes are very very much appreciated, thank you sir.
@Roth Family Adventures - Thats the hope. The great white hope. The magic specialist. kind of like willy wonka.
Thanks Mr Roth.
@Putz - Yep, the times have certainly changed, I have similar family stories that make you wonder was everyone nuts 40 years ago!
I agree with others - think of working w/you RE as starting all over.
And I really commend your bravery and courage for talking about your infertility the way you do. From reading your comments (which I enjoy almost as much as your blog posts) I know you are great source of comfort to many people who are also TTC.
You'll soon have stories of vomit and urinary incontinence to tell, followed by snot nose and shit.
Champagne and pizza have helped me out many times. Here's hoping the next time you uncork a bottle, it's for a different reason.
Good luck in this next phase. It really is a whole new arena when working with a specialist. Fingers and toes still crossed.
I commend the way you choose to translate your frustrations and sadness into this blog and the humor within its pages.
My heart goes out to you and your wife. I think in the optimistic idea that you'll be a father very very soon.
I've never gone through the frustrations of "trying" to conceive because I know I can't have children. It's a sadness that will never go away. But I found a way to have a family, and I'm very thankful for it. I would not trade them for the world.
I believe you'll have your family, too!
I, too, remember the "early days" of this blog, the self-effacing wit and dry humour with which you coped with your disappointment, and I, again too, am hoping that there's more to your story.
I wish I could offer more than a "good luck", but that's the best I've got...good luck, sir.
Hey there! I've been seeing you commenting on other blogs a lot, but just finally clicked and came on over to see what you were about.
Love the blog. I'm sorry you're dealing with this crap though. Glad you can blog about it.
I'll be checking in from now on!
It's probably obnoxious when a new reader throws their opinion in, but I'm obnoxious so I'll do it anyway.
Sex on command isn't necessarily going to produce the right results just because it's sex at a required time. How many women get preggers cause they're out being drunk and stupid? And on birth control. Did I mention stupid?
Set aside some time and have a little fun with it. Do it on the counter, the table, up against the fence. Remember the fun in going at it, not the schedule it needs to adhere to. Remember being young and horny and needing the ice packs. Maybe it won't help with getting preggers, but maybe it will help you guys.
Champagne and pizza, the best medicine on earth. I think I may go procure some right now.
I think an infertility spot on Alltop would be great, actually. I think it would be huge.
more hugs to you.
I'm not certain what alltop is, but I bet you could rock an infertility spot. I don't find it odd at all about the pizza. Pizza, alcohol (I prefer good beer), and chocolate are the cure-alls for everything.
I'm sorry, dude.
Not keen on Champagne but pizza does it for me everytime.
Do what you guys need to be doing. Take a break or whatever.
You know you have a whole bunch of 'total strangers' sending you love and best wishes regardless.
You two are bringing us all a little closer and that has to be a good thing.
You're not done yet. Just keep your sense of humor (and make sure ET keeps hers).
@Jenni- Thanks Jenni, thats very kind of you to say, as far fetched as it may be in truth ;0)
@Immoral Matriarch - That's me and the wife covered, what about a kid eh?
@Momo Fali - Nice way to put it, thanks!
@Tara R - Yes, it's new rules once we cross the RS line I guess. Game on. Thank you.
@Angel - It's stories like yours which make me feel like a whiney git. Thanks for the kind words.
@Ryan Lawson - So you're saying it's no longer self deprecating nor witty - bastard.
but cheers, thanks anyway.
@Barb - lol so you've followed me home... thank you, very kind.
@JT - I dunno if you're taking the piss or not but piping up and telling a TTCer to RELAX is enough to get your head cut off with a shovel ;0)
We have plenty of fun, we take it easy 16 hours a day, and we've more breaks and holidays than a politician.
Relaxing is the one thing that will not get us pregnant at this stage.
Thanks for your comments though, they are appreciated, come back!
@Maggie, dammit - we need to get onto that Kawasaki guy about that:
"Alltop Bolloxed Reporoductive Organs"
Nice ring to it.
@Captain Steve - I'm a beer man too, but I've a taste for the fizzy stuff that just calls out to me!
@Aunt Becky - Thanks, appreciated, dude.
@Tismee2 - Ooooh you don't know what you're missing.
Bring ye all closer, there's a take on this I haven't heard, like a wee cult!
Just down burn my barn down ok?
@Russ - far from done, young man, far from it.
Just a bit more realistic about what lies ahead is all.
Xbox, along with the well wishes of everyone here, I also agree with a couple of your commenters as one who has been there...you should really think of it as a beginning. Frustrating as hell, but at least now you've got some specialists on your side, who can help. We are evidence of that.
For the boy, we were about 18 months w/o help before we got our referral; then it took another couple of years, with a break between each stage of treatment before moving on to the next. I tell you this because I think it is crucial for a "break" every so often ... you need it for your sanity, to take stock, take a deep breath, pull yourself out of the depths, and gather the courage and the energy. Drinking, hey, I'm all for it. After staying alchohol free for months/ YEARS in case I was pregnant, I got my HCG shot, I was travelling for business over my wedding anniversary so took the hubby, decided to screw it all and so got blotto-ed on celebratory champagne, went back to the hotel and and the best mind-blowing babymaking in a really long time. And someone stuck. We took breaks between cycles for both kids.
It can be a long road, but you and ET will have the strength.
I also wish I had a blog when I was going through all the same/ similar things you are experiencing now. Keep writing my friend. And whether you like it or not, I'll probably keep commenting and giving you assvice whether you want it or not!
Love your blog; whatevah the Alltop/Cre8buzz category, it will continue to rock.
Dear god, give the poor woman some more sticks so she can wee in peace. And probably drink more fizz and eat more pizza - sure to help with the energy which you will surely need for the months ahead. Hang in there kiddo.
As soon as we quit trying I got pregnant. Keep the faith
I hope the RS boosts your hope again. It will happen. All the bits are there. It's just a matter of getting them together. I wouldn't have my kiddo without our lovely RS.
XBox...fuck, bad luck. Keep going. The energy will come back like the Everready Bunny.
It's a tough time you're going through. I have a tough time reading your blog because of the memories it brings back, but I have a tough time staying away because I'm really hoping for you.
This will work! I believe it to be true - good things happen to good people. Hang in there!
Sending you good irish vibes for future successes. Never listen to the odds, people still win the lottery.
Keep trying, it will happen when you least expect it.((hugs))
Like probably everyone here we had our own difficulties with conceiving too. I think pizza and chamapagne is the ideal move... best of luck.
well this just sucks.
You come to my blog and abuse me and then I come over here with tons of BRILLIANT come backs that will totally go over your head (so we are saying what, 3 feet high?) and then you go and be so freaking human and I just want to hug you and scream at the Goddess to GIVE THEM A FREAKING BABY ALREADY cause I can't stand 'seeing' you so defeated.
And then you will visit my blog and abuse me again and I will want to kick you in the head.
And around it goes again...
Thank that Momo Fali for bringing us together. I will try to catch up reading about your story. This is the first infertility blog I've ever seen from a man's point of view so I am just giddy with excitement... well, not really, more like saddened with sadness. It looks like you have been on a rough ride so far.
Thumbs up for booze and pizza. Hope you had ice cream with whipped cream and chocolate syrup for dessert?
no wonder you have so many fans, commentators, you treat every comment with apolm, whatever than is, and sensitivity and then on those telling you to relax, you invite them back just like a gentelman, may you get everything you want and 1000 comments per post...love
Give it time, the witty will be back and the ice packs. heh! I still see the humor packed a bit to the back. I am sending good thoughts your way.
@Karen MEG - Firstly, thanks.
Secondly, you have a hell of a story, I really don't know if I would have the same level of patience you did.
I can't say much more really, I agree with all you say, regarding frustration, breaks, and taking time out, but it's all easier said than done.
I still say you should go back and document your story, it could be invaluable to others, and yourself in time.
As for writing, I'm enjoying it too much, and no bugger could possibly stop me now.
Thank you, appreciated.
@BSouth - I love the 'kiddo', I'm probably older than ya!
@Snowmanpoop - I like those stories, don't fancy my chances that way though!
@Deb - I'm sure she will, we just need to be actively doing something, going somewhere...
@EmmaK - Thank m'am, we'll be back at it soon enough.
@Lara - I'm sorry if it's difficult to read, it's not so easy to write at times either, but I've no doubt that facing whatever the issues are helps me, and maybe even you too I hope. Good luck to you.
@Jeremy - So do lousy things! But I like your interpretation better!
@Wpat - this coming from the man sitting on his ass in vegas... you got a problem sir.
@Jayne - a lovely phrase, I have my doubts though, hope you are right, thanks!
@Stay at home dad - The ongoing thing I notice more and more are the numbers of people who DO have issues conceiving, more than surprising. Thanks.
@Kelley - I make up all this shit just to mess with your head, I LOVE it!
I'll be over to abuse you shortly.
@Geeks in Rome - Funny you should say 'infertility blog' as just with this entry I've admitted that this is what it is for the first time.
There are a few out there, not many, but a few.
Nice to see another European (based) blogger on the scene, I'll be back to annoy you in more detail later. Thank you.
@Putz - This is actually something I take seriously. People take the time to comment and give bits of their stories and to wish us well or to say sorry, and so the very least I should do is address them directly.
It's getting harder to do because the numbers are rising but as long as I can, I will.
I would do it in person, so why not here.
Sometimes, like my previous post, I received around 60 comments of well wishes, and there is nothing I can say in return to that that wouldn't spoil it, so sometimes it's best to say nothing and hope people know how much we appreciate their effort to be so kind.
You, Mr Putz, have a very unique way of expressing yourself, that I'm really starting to enjoy.
@Justmylife - Yeah, the smartarse is never too far away ;0) Thanks!
nothing I could say will make you feel better or less anxious. just know we are all thinking of you and hoping for the best. with all this finger crossing just make sure there are no legs being crossed...keep trying!
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