Tuesday 13 May 2008

I said 'Nappy', dammit

"Nobody ever told me that."

I've said those words to myself countless times over the last year.

'Trying to conceive', or more accurately 'trying and failing miserably to conceive' not only brings about the standard old side effects you read in the books or on websites, but there are hidden and unexpected side effects too, particularly for us gentlemen.

I've found, not all of them to be quite what I had imagined

It makes you a randy badger....

I haven't used that word since I was about eleven, but it does. Trying to conceive basically gives you the horn and reveals to you the real reason behind sofa cushions.

Unless your pre-TTC rate was at porn star frequency, you are probably at it more than ever, and despite the often dreaded 'timed' occasions, you soon realise that you actually can't get enough.

The primative urge to spread your seed, even though it's as useless as tits on a bull, is all powerful.

If the regular thirst isn't quenched, you are frequently in danger of poking your own eye out.

You lose all sense of shame....

Quite self explanatory if you read through previous entries.

Even outside the topic of trying to conceve, you find yourself diving into conversations where no sane and/or hetrosexual man belongs, and being totally unphased by situations that would previously have resulted in you soiling yourself.

Imagine leaving your sister so horrified that you can sense a 'gasp' via MSN when you tell her about her baby brother producing semen samples, or visiting your GP to discuss providing said samples whilst wearing two odd shoes, or actually using the words 'tilted cervix' to your office manager.

These are just a couple of things an idiot would do. Yes me. Sod off.

Prolonged trying to conceive desensitises you, and reduces any sense of acceptability, respectability and sensibility in relation to biological matters, to shreds.

Basically, the downside about becoming practically qualified to perform reproductive surgery in 14 Eastern European states, is that you become the person people really don't want to tell a knob joke to, for fear of the repercussions.

You hear the words 'too much information' 8 times a day

You become over-sensitive and soft....

I have already rambled on about this in some detail, but indeed, with the exception of genitalia, trying to conceive turns a man to mush.

You blub watching the neighbours out and about with their kids, you blub on a sunny day, you blub when somone takes your parking spot. (You know who you are you bitch.)

You become uber sensitive to the point of paranoia about people who don't have snot bags hanging off them, "maybe they have, you know, 'issues' too", when in fact they very possibly just can't be arsed.

I've used the word 'cute' so much in the last year I should be carrying around a feckin chihuahua in a dolce & gabbana purse, and I've uttered the word 'sweet' so often I am writing this from the midst of a diabetic coma.

It's probably all the testosterone focussing on your jolly rodger that leads to a deficiency in your brain and turns you into a 12 year old girl.
That's my quasi-qualified medical opinion anyway.

You'll try absolutely anything....

Logic flies out the window. Actually no, correction. Logic pulls down your pants, kicks you up the arse, blows a raspberry in your face and then flies out the window.

This goes far beyond having Ms. shagee remain horizontal for about 4 days after bumping uglies, with her backside hoisted aloft seven cushions.

This goes into the realm of counting and waving at magpies.

This goes into the mad realm of ordering fertility dolls off the internet.

This goes into the realm of two grown, educated and semi-intelligent people in their thirties, sleeping on yellow knitted booties, incredibly generously hand made and sent to us from the other side of the planet.

One under each bloody pillow.

I know it's utterly illogical, but God help you if you try to remove them, I'll bite your non-believing fingers off and feed them to the frogs.

You get what you wish for...sort of....

The observant among you will have put two and two together and come up with the logic behind the name, Xbox4NappyRash.

For those who haven't, bless your cotton socks, I'll explain. The idea was to sacrifice using my xbox in return for nappy rash(preferably on the arse of a kid).

Well, maybe the Gods of fate have a cruel sense of humour, or perhaps they are hard of hearing, or most likely they just can't understand my funny accent, but they have given me what I asked for, almost.

Instead of nappy rash, they have provided me with a nasty rash. On my bloody fingers.

Yes indeed, it's a joy to share the news that I have developed a charming wee reaction on my right hand. Excema-esque in appearance, some bright sparks attribute it to stress and frustration.

I've no doubt in my underdeveloped mind that it is due to the lack of penile contact (with not one, but two, notable exceptions) This naturally arises from the absence of acts of self love, which are rightly forbidden during these trying times.

Incidentally it's also frowned upon by my buddy, the pope, but frankly, I fear the wrath of ET a million times more.

Are these male side effects of trying and hopelessly failing to conceive common, or am I just odd? Scratch that, the oddness is a given, some things I don't need to be told.

For those who feel the urge, "judge not lest ye be bitten on the calves by a chubby Irishman, for skin is a real bitch to remove from my braces".

And yes, I said 'for skin'. Smart arses.

EDIT: It appears that the deceptively named Newbie nominated this for post of the week and it's been shortlisted along with 5 very different other posts on other interesting blogs. Go check them out.


Rachel said...

Bless your heart darlin'.
I find your writing brilliant, honest and heartwrenching. You've thrown yourself out there for all the world and I think it's good for you... but I'm sure you've touched hundreds others and will continue to touch and help others in your own struggles. I'm sure you've given so many just the comfort in the knowledge that they are not alone. I believe you are putting words to other's silent struggles and I think that is beautiful and powerful.
I read you daily with hope and I feel for you.
You amaze me with your ability to tear my heart out and make me smile all at once.
I think all that y'all are going through is only going to make y'all better parents and you a more sensitive, loving, grateful and amazing father.
And I will admit it took me 2 or 3 times of seeing your name on Cre8buzz before I figured it out :-) But I did, all by my little self :-)

Jenni said...

that rash is gross. i'm all about TMI, but blech!

Lyssa said...

Parenthood is all about self-discovery and sharing a tad bit too much information. I knew I was in the thick of it when I discussed breast feeding with a man who was a complete stranger to me. It is the beginning of the end. You are not alone.

What does it say about us that we keep coming back for more?

Lance said...

Hey Martin,

Remind me to pass on shaking your hand if we ever meet. We will just do elbow bumps. Or hug.

Anonymous said...

High five, high five, on another great post!

{oooh, whoops, let's just air-five, now sliding my hand through my hair, cool guy style}

Oh, and before I forget: you said "dammit".

heh heh. heh heh. heh.

Anonymous said...

"If the regular thirst isn't quenched, you are frequently in danger of poking your own eye out." My stomach muscles are hurting from laughing at that. Also, I get rashes like that on my hands if I touch raw fruits or potatoes, because I have creepy,creepy allergies.

Anonymous said...

WTF I got ripped off!! My husband and I were much more active before we were TTC and my husband never got that super horny or super mushy TTC stuff. Now I'm wondering if he just wasn't as into it as I was (ok if I'm honest, I'm pretty sure he was just along for the ride kind of... pardon the pun).

I have eczema and get those kinds of spots on my hands all the time. A little cluster of itchy watery bumps, right? Hubby gets them too sometimes, especially when it's hot out. Nothing to worry about I don't think.

Kori said...

I personally love the TMI part of your blog; it gives me great conversational material, ha ha. Sorry about the rash, though, it looks painful.

Anonymous said...

ROFL! Just out of curiosity, how many times have you poked yourself (or someone else?) in the eye?
God, now I'm stuck, I have to come back for every new post.

Anonymous said...

I can relate to the excema rash when stressed out. It itches. It irritates. It sucks! Hope it goes away soon for ya!

Momo Fali said...

I would think the rash would come from the opposite activity. You know, the one the Pope frowns upon.

Anonymous said...

Been there. It's a hard place to be. But, kudos for being so open and honest. I wasn't in the beginning- I felt like I was a failure for not being able to bring a baby into the world.

Anonymous said...

Mental! I never ever want to have sex again after that year! Ok I wouldn't go that far but that non-stop TTC sex really took the wind out of my sails.

Jason Roth said...

Perhaps you need to up the ante and trade something of more value than an Xbox. What kind of car do you drive?

Anonymous said...

Bless you kind sir. Perhaps its time to change your name to xbox360 as the original xbox may no longer be enough for the fertility gods. Happy humping!

Anonymous said...

Glad you got your bloody sense of humor back. Sorry about the rash. Going to wipe tears from my eyes.

Julie said...

I'm with rachel. This is brilliant, honest and heartwrenching.

And very deeply funny.

MarĂ­a said...

Eww. Eww Eww!

Anonymous said...

That rash needs looking at. Go to the chemist and buy some excema cream. Trust me on this one, I had a rash very similar when I was stressed to death at work and it spred from my wrist to my elbow. Not pretty.

Apparently the more sex your have the more you want. I can vouch for that.

Anonymous said...

Have to love my typos.



And now this comment looks dirty.

Martin said...

@Rachel - I know I've touched a lot of people, but after the court case I wasn't allowed back on the bus route, so that's stopped.

Seriously, your kind words are unwarranted but greatly, greatly appreciated.
Thank you.

@Jenni - I wanna rub it in your face ;0)

@Lyssa Ireland Thomas - Suckers for punishment I think, or just 'icky junkies'.

@Lance - Elbows it is...dude...

@Maggie, Dammit - Thank you, and this from a grown up writer. The Dammit was a nod to you, but I STILL maintain it should be 'Damnit'

@Shamelessly Sassy - Basically when you cook then...

@Breigh - Here's a secret, fellas don't like to be 'led', let him think it's his idea and then you've no problems.
That sounds EXACTLY like the reaction I have, wee watery blister/bumps.
Not sure about heat causing it though, I've had it on and off for months now.

@Kori - I really would love to hear your lunch time conversations if that the case!

@JT - I think it's better I don't answer that for everyone's sake, by all means come back, thats the idea!

@Jeremy - Cheers, first time I've ever had it.

@Momo Fali - would you believe that's what we were told in school by the christian brothers...?

@Andria - I've had the failure feeling, but I'm over that, the more open you are about things the less shame there is to feel.
Thank you.

@John B - You're in trouble for that comment I bet... I dunno, the more you get the more you want I reckon, having the week break or so every few weeks is a great recharge and off you go again!

@Roth Family Adventures - you mean I could get an all over rash for a ford focus?

@Wpat - I can't get any bloody games for the original any more, that pisses me off. I must remember to beg microsfot again for an upgrade.

@Nola - It never really leaves...Hayfever?

@Julie - thank you, that's very kind of you to say Julie.

@Immoral Matriarch - Is that 3 Ewws at one particular part or an individual Eww for 3 separate parts?

@Veronica - I'd rather chop it off than go to a Dutch chemist. Although wait, it's my right hand, so maybe not.
And YES, getting more generates wanting more.

Dirty girl...

Anonymous said...

This post was extremely educational! I always imagined the pressure of trying to concieve would make a man less randy! Obviously you're a man who works well under stress.

I do feel your pain. Well, your wife's, anyway. If she's like me, she has no pride, humility, or anxiety left. She'll drop her pants and mount a table with stirrups on command. Just admitting that is horrifying yet completely true for me. I get the whole tilted cervix thing, too! Creepy.

I admit, it did take me a bit to translate your name, but I eventually worked it out in my twisted mind which made me like you even more. A man willing to part with his video game in exchange for poopy filled nappies is a good man indeed!

Take those booties?! Hell no! I'll personally make you two more and send them if you think it will help!

Anonymous said...

just pee on it. Or Windex. I have heard that cures everything.

♥.Trish.♥ Drumboys said...

OH - My husband was so sick of it - timed "relations" or just practising and 'building the boys up' in the end he feined sleep or begged for a night off.

I only told my virtual friends about our awesome sex life and TTC ...and it was so cool to be able ask online friends how to 'err' encourage hubby's efforts when the he had to deliver at an the exact time and the pressure was on ... if /in case he just couldn't 'perform' and coax the fellows into the jar ... you said TMI

I still swear by my little yellow booties - we had two pair too !

I have no advice about your nasty rash...

As they say keep you wit and sense of humour ... your honesty too I am in a we of. My hubby had no one to talk too ... I had hundreds.

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

You're just all sorts of messed up.

Anonymous said...

I'm so going to start sleeping with booties under my pillow for you and ET.

Captain Steve said...

Okay: what's a knob? I'm thinking either penis or breast, and I'm leaning towards penis due to the whole context, but I'm not certain.

Also: oh, your poor poor sister.

Putz said...

as i remember it all, i felt some kind of pride that my wife had to rely so much on me for her success, but when we actually go to the redetermined time and place, my confidence went out the window with my libido...of course that was 35 years ago, so what do i know or remember?????????

Anonymous said...

I count magpies and say 'Good Morning Mr magpie' whenever I see one. What you trying to say?

You know you could end up with seven kids or something and then you might wish you hadn't swapped them for your X Box.

Anonymous said...

But, if you had 7 kids then you could buy yourself a new games console for each one as a prize. We've got a PS2, Xbox 360 and a Wii. Wait a minute, we've only got 2 children. I wonder if my husband is trying to tell me something!

Hang in there. You'll be ok.

Martin said...

@Angel - On the days when we are just 'covering the bases' it's a breeze. When it comes to D-Day less so, but I struggle on, the martyr that I am.

Up to now, ET has escaped the real invasive stuff, with only one real examination, that will all change from a week on Monday I expect.

Get a knittin' Mrs!

@Kelley - I'll say something nice about you on your blog if you can even tell me what Windex is?

@baby~amore - Funny, if I asked ye how I should encourage myself, I'd probably have my blog banned from 30 US states ;0)

It is really becoming apparent how much of a lack of resources for fellas there are. I feel quite Bono about it at this stage!

The booties worked for you, I'm happy with that much!

@A whole lot of nothing - I'M messed up? How's hubby doing on the slots there? college fund whittled away yet?...

@Erika - please do! but I demand they be rainbow coloured.

@Captain Steve - You are correct with penis. Now re-read and laugh heartily, I command you.

Sorry, I don't always come across clear to folk on other continents.

@Putz - I guess you remember enough. Seriously, were there these methods etc 35 years ago? wow.
You are a bit of a pioneer.
and 35 years on, we fellas have the same issues!

@Tismee2 - 1 for sorrow, 2 for joy, 3 for a girl, 4 for a boy, and on t goes...

Waving at them, negates the luck, i.e you REALLY want to wave at just one, to avoid sorrow.

@bsouth - 7... have you not been reading the blog?


Anonymous said...

Maybe TMI, but cool anyway :)

Blackmores make a good eczema cream. All natural yadda, yadda, yadda.

Anonymous said...


In response to your response to Kelly.

Windex = An Ammonia based window cleaner in a squirt bottle, sold in the US. Watch a movie called "My Big Fat Greek Wedding". The bride's father uses Windex to cure everything.

You're second to the last sentence sad "for skin", and I was going to jump at the chance to give you a good ribbing about that until I read the last sentence. You beat me to it. Great minds, and all that.

Speaking of poking your eye out, I came across this joke yesterday and could not stop laughing.

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
and all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in
the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.....

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick!
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...


Dondi Tiples said...

Hang in there, hey. I really had a laugh reading this post, for all that.

Ed (zoesdad) said...

I've got that rash!!! BUt I really LOVE myself so maybe it's not the same.

Anonymous said...

Wow thanks for telling me that waving at magpies negates the luck. I never knew that! Now I know why it never works.

you know you learn something every day.

Newbie said...

I hope it's ok with you Xbox, but I've nominated your post for Post of the Week as I absolutely loved it, and hope they will too!


Martin said...

@Suze - No such thing as TMI around here anymore...!

@Mike - I actually knew what Windex was, I was just insinuating that Kelley was such a domestic disaster that she, would not ;-)

great minds indeed, I had it written, and re-read it and thought, some git is gonna nail me on that one, hence the last line added!

That joke is just class, I shall be annoying everyone with it all weekend.

@Dondi Tiples - I'm hanging! thanks, it's nice to know it's fun to read sometimes.

@Ed - thanks for that mental image...scarred.for.life.

@Tismee2 - I MAY have just made that up, but I live by it, so go for it!

@Newbie - You are my new favourite person ever. I hadn't ever seen that site before, some good links to be found there.
and I'm chuffed there's finally a couple of UK/Ireland people popping up.
Thanks very much.

justmylife said...

Glad the funny is back! But gross on the rash!

Misssy M said...

can i just say that knob jokes are ALWAYS welcome round my place, if you feel the need to vent.

Living with Meeester M over the years has made me immune to shock.

James (SeattleDad) said...

First time visitor, X. Hang in there man. It took us 4 years to conceive and about 5 before our son arrived. It was well worth all the crazy shit we had to deal with. Out.

Anonymous said...


I've seen your comments on other blogs, so I thought I'd swing by. After reading this post, your name now makes perfect sense.

Dude, my heart goes out to you and yours. I hope for you guys . . .

Martin said...

@Justmylife - Funny is never too far away, not in my head anyway.

@Missy M - Genital jesting is a MUST for any thriving relationship!

@James Austin - I've caught you on later posts. Thank you sir!

@Tysdaddy - I'm curious, what did you think the name meant BEFORE?
I reckon people think I'm a bit weird.

Thank you for the kind wishes. They are very much appreciated.