Wednesday 21 May 2008

A warning to the txt generation

Due to the wonder that is a rural Irish Catholic background, I come from a somewhat unusual family, demographically speaking.

In an era and area of Ireland where the only contraception was pregnancy, potato harvesting, or death, never ending families were the norm.

The 2nd or 3rd 'accident', I'm the youngest of eight children, by quite a margin.

Take into account the fact that the rest of them are much older, are poster children for fertility, and that they got jiggy with it at relatively young ages, and the result is a flummix of nieces and nephews.

18 of them I believe.

This in itself is a bit of an issue. The very genes I share with my siblings are waving fertile chromosomes in my face and taunting me in unison.

Screams of 'jaffa' ring in my ears from the souls of long spent semen.

For Christ's sake, there was period in the 90's where you couldn't walk into any one of our family homes without slipping on a freshly expulsed placenta.
ALL up the duff, ALL the time.

Thankfully, I am zen personified, and for the most part I let this genetic mockery wash right over my lower than average head.

Having quoted Bonnie and Bono last time around, I'll now quote Bob - " The times they are a changin' "

These kids that resembled safari park monkeys as you approached their homes in the past, are growing up.

They have been going to college, working, living abroad, and I presume (while using all my strength to avoid mental images), fornicating.

In fact, six of them are in their early or mid twenties. You see where I'm going with this?

Sooner rather than later, one of them is going to report back that they have gotten themselves, or some other poor misfortune, knocked up.

No doubt the moment of impact will occur with a post cider party knee trembler up some side alley, or some other gesture of mockery at my own redundant efforts.

This simply can not be allowed to happen.

These people say things along the lines of "Yeah like, I was totally like shocked like n'stuff", they drink alcopops and other blue shit, they have rap songs for ring tones, they haven't got a clue how to spell words using vowels, and they've never even once seen an episode of Dallas, Dynasty or Falcon Crest.

Mother of mercy they have 'Bebo' pages for f&$% sake.

I will go ballistic if I receive one of these: "HI XBX JST A QCK MSG 2 LT U KNW I R PRGNNT. L8R UR FAV NECE"

If one of them informs me that I'm going to become a granduncle before I get ET knocked up I'm going to take a bath with a toaster, but not before I get into the ford focus and mow down all of humanity, showing no mercy to man nor beast.

A granduncle.
A grandparent's brother.

I'm just warning you, that's all.


Kori said...

I will be right there next to you in the Focus, helping you aim better. I am that kind of a friend.

Anonymous said...

Darn little whippersnappers. Kids these days- I tell ya.
My husband writes "yur" instead of "your" when he texts me. He's 35. It drives me crazy. I like the "O" in there... ya know?

Captain Steve said...

Just a couple comments: I always spell correctly when I text. Just so's you know. However, when my nieces text, I want to hurt them because dammit! Learn to write! My much older (40 something) sister has started it too, which is just degrading to someone her age I think. Secondly, I just realize yesterday that no one (NO ONE) in my family is currently preggers. I did a dance of joy.

Jason Roth said...

Gas up that car with your expensive fuel and take aim.

Jason said...

I'm surprised you're not a granduncle already, honestly.

I don't mind the no-vowel-texting, as much as the LOL-ROFL-STFU bullshit. Are you *really* laughing out loud, honestly?

Russ said...

I'm not above the occasional "stfu", but all the rest of the texting "shorthand" just pisses me off. One of my wife's friends emails in all lower case as she was texting. Drives me up a frackin' wall. Dammit I'm old.

Mr Lady said...

I had to read the txt talk 5 times to figure it out. God I'm old.

Ed (zoesdad) said...

If nothing else they deserve it for texting. That crap dirves me nuts!! But I'm then again, maybe I'm just having a bad day because my 8-track is on the blink.

Tara R. said...

I got the GPS, we can find them faster that way. Rammin' Speed!

My step-sis is a grandma and she's only slightly younger than I am... more power to her. I can wait.

Putz said...

wow angelia's ashes, hey that guy below me who is such a good speller and wants to put down usens who don't value that ....i have misspelled on every post, comment i have written and it is my express intent to do i have kissed the blarney stone and as you can tell(my own demented a hole self..see my blog) my gab is far advanced to my spelling...back to the subject at hand which is you and your potatoe deprived anchestry...sorry

AnnD said...

My hubby was an uncle at age 5 and we were great uncle and great aunt before x 2 before we became parents! I was a great aunt before my mom was a great aunt! So, I suppose anything is possible! I do hope you get to send out the "We r prgnt" text before they do!

Christi said...

I'll pay for your gas...

Anonymous said...

Please mow people down with the Focus, and photograph it for all of blogdom to see.

Dirty Laundry Diva said...

We should have coffee! I totally know the feeling and well my younger brother recently knocked up his 16 year old girlfriend who then popped out my niece... They don't take care of her my mom does!

How is it that everyone who shouldn't have kids does and the ones who are prepared and oh so ready for parenthood are striking out?

Anonymous said...

Hi. You don't know me, but I love you already and think I will become a frequent visitor. Veronica from somedaywewillsleep provided the link to you and I'm so glad I popped in. I, also, seem to come from a rather prolifically reproductive gene pool - or at least a rather easily reproductive gene pool - and yet I seem to have gotten the bent chromosome. Thankfully, I'm not yet near climbing into my own ford focus and mowing down humanity, but I will be cheering you on from the sidelines and will send you cards in prison. *sprinkling baby dust* *sprinkling some on myself too* Good luck!

James (SeattleDad) said...

Will anyone know how to spell in 50 years? Might have to change to a national texting bee at some point...

Momo Fali said...

That text thing would make me crazy too.

Just a side note...out of the 11 children in my husband's family, we're the only ones who have had a boy to "carry on the family name". (And, considering that my hubby is 9 of 11, everyone is pretty much done having kids...including us.) No pressure to my kid or anything.

Anonymous said...

I come from Irish stock too. Except - I don't really know dads side, and haven't heard that they are around in great numbers.
I've got 2 kids, and would love another, so maybe it's me that needs mowing down in a Focus for even thinking that at my age...

You don't think 'granduncle' has a certain ring to it?? I guess not...

Stacy said...

18 ... damn

Jared said...

Sorry man...the image of a rampaging Focus gave me quite a chuckle! :D

MarĂ­a said...


Anonymous said...

As #5 out of 6, I was affectionately called "Oops". Which is much nicer than what #6 was called - "Oh Shit" - or on a really nice day - "Someone for Oops to grow up with". Here's hoping that txt msg nvr gts snt.

Rachel said...

Seriously, you labeled this sex and it's pseudonyms! Oh my holy hell on a popsicle stick :-) Thanks for the laughs.
I have a little somethin' somethin' for you on my blog :-) Come see.

Anonymous said...

well I was going to sprinkle baby dust as V suggested, but the idea of you mowing down illiterate can't-keep-it-in-their-pants youths is so appealing................ :P

Cheffie-Mom said...

Wow, I have things changed since I was a kid!! I really have a hard time understanding text..haha that what I wrote about in my last blog! I really love your posts. Sorry I have not been blogging to much lately! I have been taping shows which I am excited about because I was able to post them on my blog YAY!! If you get a chance to check it out, then let me know what you think. The more feedback I get the better I can make the segments Also, your stories are great and my whole idea behind this show is for other moms to share real stories like you do. Anyway, I’d love to hear from you.

Anonymous said...

I both text and im, but I'm not up on all the lingo. What the hell is this STFU?

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

You have Ford Focuses there? I thought only bicycles and Vespas were allowed.

Anonymous said...

"These people say things along the lines of "Yeah like, I was totally like shocked like n'stuff", they drink alcopops and other blue shit, they have rap songs for ring tones, they haven't got a clue how to spell words using vowels, and they've never even once seen an episode of Dallas, Dynasty or Falcon Crest."

Um, I don't drink blue shit. Apparently that is for the toilet. But the other stuff, yeah.

*waves to uncle BoxBoy*

Deb said...

Perfectly legitimate reaction, in my opinion.

Anonymous said...

A madman in a ford focus eh?
Well I suppose in keeping with the age of the intended 'squashees' you could work out a points system based on difficulty of squishing.

Then you could just tell the judge that you thought you were playing a new version of "grand theft auto"

what??? it would work...

Martin said...

@Kori - You can be in charge of swinging the door open to get the ones I miss.

@Andria & Co. - Exactly, that O isn't gonna kill him.

@Captain Steve - I think we had a period of about 8 years with someone pregnant 24/7.

@Roth Family Adventures - Hmmm, I'd hadn't thought of the cost. Maybe I can do it with my bike.

@Jason - LOL. You're right, I didn't really laugh out loud.
Granduncle is just around the corner I've no doubt.

@Russ - I have a thing for capitalisation too. In the right places.

@Mr Lady - You're only as old are the person you feel.

@Ed - 8 Track? Is that like one of those things with the needle?

@Tara R - I can safely say I wont be a grandmother.

@Putz - You are nuts. Accidental or even delibarate misspelling is fine. It's when kids put effort into butchering the language that bugs me.
Good book that 'Angelas Ashes'. Rubbish film.

@AnnD - I was an uncle at 5 also, to 2. Then to 6 by the time I was 10.
I think texting will be extinct before I get to send that message.

@Christi - Now THAT'S an offer!

@Shamelessly Sassy - Using a camera while driving would be quite reckless.

@Dirty Laundry Diva - AMEN. Although teenagers getting knocked up doesn't bother me. Just anyone who does before we do does.

@Marie - You had me at 'I love you already'.
Quit hogging all the dust woman...

@James Austin - I seriousy doubt it. In fact I imagine the official standards will ahve to change in line with popular culture trends.

@Momo Fali - Basically the future is in your mothering hands. No tighty whities for Fali jr.

@Suze - There's no limit on wanting kids I reckon. Wanting Number 6 is as valid as number 1.
'Granduncle' I don't mind, just not before 'dad' thank you very much.

@Snowmanpoop - Exactly.

@Jared - If you weren't so bloody big...

@Immoral Matriarch - STFU

@Mumma Boo - 'Ooops' classic. Here's hoping!

@Rachel - Yes, I used the term 'Knee Tremmbler' so it qualifies ;0)
You cheeky minx!

@Bettina - I'm almost 50/50 myself, I may just go rampaging ragardless.

@Cheffie Mom - a hard time understanding text? no shit. I'm not a 'mom'.

@JT - Shut The Fuck Up. ;0)

@A whole lot of nothing - 'Ford Focusi' ... education these days.

@Kelley - You don't drink out of the toilet? Sweetpea, I reckon you're about 1 bad drought during harvesting season away from drinking Domestos.

@Deb - We would like to call our first expert witness your honour...

@Frog Ponds Rock - If I were in America I reckon that defence would work.

Anonymous said...

I can't imagine you won't get off on temporary insanity if this happens.

Isn't there just ONE of those family members that you've ever caught looking at YOU with a bit of Jealousy while missing the freedoms of not changing disgusting diapers and planning their entire lives around the cost of child care?? Not even ONE temporarily that you can pretend to flaunt your childlessness in front of just to make yourself feel better??

I am a text addict, but I get teased because I can't bring myself to type in "text speak". I type out complete words and sentences. It drives people who do use the lingo crazy.

Anonymous said...

Text talk *shudder* I HATE it. HATE HATE HATE with a passion.

And yeah, they aren't allowed to get pregnant before you. However, if they do, I will provide your alibi.

Anonymous said...

Text talk *shudder* I HATE it. HATE HATE HATE with a passion.

And yeah, they aren't allowed to get pregnant before you. However, if they do, I will provide your alibi.

Anonymous said...

Fair call.

Anonymous said...

My nephew got his girlfriend (well, we later found out they were secretly married--why would you not say you are married before you tell the fmy you are pregnant??--sorry, I digress) pregnant in the throws of our fertility treatment (pre-preggers). It was a BITCH and no one in my family knew what we are going through, so I just died a bit inside. It sucked. Here's hoping you two are the next one preggers in your families!!

Anonymous said...

The Ford Focus tactic seems reasonable to me. I think you could claim defence on the grounds of diminished responsibility.

Martin said...

@Angel - In short, no. They don't look at me period.

@Veronica - We might struggle swinging the whole hemisphere thing, but ok.

@Tracey - I believe so!

@Nola - that is it EXACTLY. I dread hearing that news. Thanks for 'getting' it!

@Bsouth - because of the focus or the whole sub fertility thing?

Anonymous said...

We have a Focus, can we join in too?

gr8!'kn kids 2day hve no ider

B said...

in fairness though, how many 70 year olds that have mobile phones text in that godawful, no vowels whatsoever type of messaging?!

Pretty much all of them is the answer.

The people that spell things in the txt msg way the whole time are the same people who used to spell their own names wrong. at least we can understand their gibberish to some degree now.

Anonymous said...

Knowing your luck, right before you drop in that toaster the electricity will get shut off and then you'll just be in a tub with a toaster that has no juice...

Haha, just kidding. Keep your Focus clear of reprobate fodder. After we watch your rampage on the news, we'd see the post episode interview that ET was preggo!

Text messages suck. You should send a rock for a birth gift...what's 1 or 2 alienations out of 18?

Myst_72 said...

Just a random thought - and attempt to distract you....but I was wondering if you ever did actually pack up the x-box?
Did I miss a post on the x-box thing (kick me if I did) - just with xbox4nappyrash being your title and all - I wondered if you had actually boxed the thing up and put it away - maybe such a symbolic move could bring the magic?

Thinking of you,


samcrea said...

Great Post,

I'm from a similar sized litter to yourself...

I'll be back again.

Is it really that established a blog, or are all these comments just from your nieces and nephews, Bros and sisters??

Martin said...

@Tiff - we can have a ford focus massacre orgy

@B - My old man attempted to text once, he brought down the entire eircom network in Munster.
You've no idea how excited I get when an Irish person shows up...

@wpat - I alienated enough of them already by not remembering their names.

@Myst_72 - No I refuse to give it up until I get my end of the bargain.
I can't even use it, games are impossible to get for it now.

@Samcrea - Cheers, great to see some folk from home turning up, I think they've something against me.

and Ha ha...cheeky git.

B said... didn't do something to offend your motherland did you?

I can't talk to betrayers of our emerald isle.

Martin said...

@B - I dunno what I've done... aside from leave the place, and curse it's inhabitants uber fertility that has foresaken me and the wife.

If I count correctly, you are one of only 6 from home that have commented.

I'm going to be talking with a Yank or Aussie accent if this continues...

Craig D said...

SCENE I. Elsinore. A platform before the castle.

FRANCISCO at his post. Enter to him BERNARDO


FRANCISCO: No, nsir me: stnd n unfld urslf.

BERNARDO: Lng liv the kng!

FRANCISCO: BerNard0? ;-0


FRANCISCO: U cum most carfully ur hr.

BERNARDO: 'Tis now strk 12; get thee 2 bed, Frco.

Oh, heck I can't text message all of HAMLET! 2B r not 2B.

Martin said...

@Craig D - half of me thinks you're nuts, the other half wants to see you finish that...

B said...

wait... how did I find your blog then? I read next to no non-Irish blogs.

Martin said...

This IS an Irish blog....Huuumph....

I believe I was reading yours must have followed me home

Anonymous said...

You made me LOL at the image of a couple of Chava's down an alley. Don't think they even bother with alleys these days. A park bench seems to suffice.

I also make a point of texting in correct grammar and spelling - especially to annoy Jordan!

So your season is over now then? Your lot better start training early if you want to beat Keegans Wonderman this year.

Anonymous said...

Either really, take your pick! By the way, I'm not australian or american so stop with the accent.

Martin said...

@Tismee2 - Chavs? thats my family you are talking about...

season over? yes...a European cup is a nice finish...

@bsouth - G'day...

Anonymous said...

As #7 of nine, I can relate. Loved that placenta crack; hilarious!

Martin said...

@Half past kissin time - 9 eh ? Impressive

as for the placentas, it was almost like that for real...

Miss Awesome said...

You can't drive your ford focus across the ocean right?

TheMacMommy said...

Priceless! My little brother is getting married in a few weeks. He's 10 years younger than me, blows my mind.

get off my lawn!! LOL ;)
Thanks, I needed a laugh.

Martin said...

@Big Mama Pimplishness - That may be a slight flaw in my plan.

@Themacmommy - You're welcome to the laugh, they are in short supply around here at the moment.

and lawn? you've lost me.

Dondi Tiples said...

1.) Laughed so hard, I farted audibly a couple of times when I read this post. People in the office steered clear of me for the rest of the day. Your blog should have an NSFW warning, or something.

2.) When my husband made his living as a teacher, I used to check his students' essay papers. Needless to say, my blood pressure shot up everytime I read a piece of work like, "....& d Chinese govt proclaim d 1-child policy cuz der so very many Chinese ppl..." Yes! #$%^&! In college school essays!

And then my 79-year-old father-in-law texts me from time to time: "GAm hru?" And I wish I had the guts to clobber him like I clobbered those essays with red ink.

3.) Maybe if you mow down the 18 nephews and nieces first before they make you a grand-uncky? Will be watching out for newsreports of your impending population control experiment.

Martin said...

@Dondi Tiples- You have just totally ruined my mental image of you with your flatulence!

Funny how older people pick up on these things, I think I will be one of those who will scowl at any new advances in technology. I almost alreday do!

someone pointed out a flaw in my mowing down of the youngsters plan... I live on a different land mass to them!

Fate's Granddaughter said...

I stopped by through Nick - your name reminded me of my husband and I was too intrigued.

You've managed to make me laugh about something I haven't been able to laugh about for a long time. We've been trying to get pregnant for ages and meanwhile my young cousins are having 'accidents' all over the place before they make it out of high school. One even got pregnant with her second baby while one the pill!

But then again, whoever said life was fair?

Martin said...

@fate's grandaughter - You sound as generally pissed off as I feel.

have you looked into the causes or reasons at all?

I'm glad you got a laugh, the day we stop being able to laugh at the absurdity of it all is the day we are truly finished.

Anonymous said...

Hi XBox
I found your blog lately via Fee bee. I must say it is great to read about fertility issues from a male point of view, because a lot of the time, I tend to forget that my DH is as pissed off with this baby waiting game as I am.

I could have written this post on nieces and nephews from a female perspective! I am the youngest of seven, in an uber fertile Irish family. Like you I have 18 nieces and nephews, 9 of each. My family was exactly like yours in the 90's, they were popping them out in batches of 3 or 4 per annum. The oldest is how in college, going on twenty, and I have told him and his 18 year old brother that if either of them make me a grandaunt before I become a mother (and I'm 39!) they are dead. It really would be the ultimate humiliation in this whole thing.

My story is we started ttc in April 06, have had 4 miscarriages since then, so lots of grief later we are trying the Napro programme. So bascially Clomid, follicle tracking, HCG injections, blood testing and lots of knicker checking. Fun fun fun. Most go, I'm off to hospital for my third round of follicle tracking this week.

Your writing is excellent, and you look nothing like Danny de Vito! Keep up the good work (in every sense!)

Martin said...

Hi Jane G,

Thanks for telling your story.

Funny how co-incidental the family set -ups are eh?

4 miscarriages?
I'm sorry, that's beyond shitty.

I have no problem in telling you now you are braver than I ever would be, I would not be able to take that, no way, no how.

Good luck with your next round, would be cool if you could tell us how you get on?

All the best

Anonymous said...

Cheers X, you have cheered me up so much calling me brave :o) Normally I just feel like a whinger!

My good news is that we got the go-ahead to try again, for the first time since November- over the weekend, so there was as much merriment and ugly bumping as is possible when one is visiting one's elderly parents, and sleeping in one's former teenage bed. It had to go down in the history of our ttc as the most bizarre episode of baby making to date!

So as of now we are back on the 2WW. I'll keep you posted as to how we get on. Best of luck to you and ET, keeping everything bar fallopian tubes crossed for you!

Martin said...

@Jane G -

Congrats on the go ahead!

The teenage bed eh?
It never saw much (i.e. any) action in it's prime so I dunno would it manage it if we had to use it now!

But it would make a good story though!

we are over a week into the 2WW, with a trip to a new clinic to come we wait...