I frighten myself sometimes at how easily I can forget something.
Not facts, or figures, or deadlines, but bigger things. Important things. Things you can't always write down in a calendar or in a few words.
Just like the previous year and a half, the last few months have been filled with trying to conceive and all that comes with it, but while forgetting what it is all for.
'Trying to conceive' has almost become a parody of itself, an unreal superficial lifestyle of sorts with it's own specific unglamorous trappings, and no substance. Doing things without even thinking, for no other reason than they must be done. Charting temperatures, popping vitamins, wazzing on sticks, pushing for appointments, waiting for tests.
It's amazing to think that I forget why we have knots in our stomachs for the last days of every cycle, and why we feel like thrashing neighbourhood cats when another last day becomes a first. Maybe it's routine, familiarity breeds contempt and all that, or maybe it's the old self-preservation chestnut.
A disruption in the process, like we had last week, makes you stop and allows you to think. All the trappings, peripherals, and figures fade away to unimportance and you are left with nothing. Then you remember.
There is a real reason behind trying to get the hospital to offer us the IUI, a real reason behind chasing those appointments, and behind learning how to give an injection. There is a real reason behind why ET has filled her belly with drugs and now follicles, and a real reason why we spent the lowest 48 hours I've ever known going back and forth trying to make one single decision.
The reason is that we desperately want a family. That is all.
We understand the risks, many of which you have laid out clearly and carefully, we truly do. We know that we could make them completely disappear by just deciding to let this one pass.
We know that we probably would have other opportunities, less risky on paper, but intangible here and now. The chances of 'naturally' conceiving multiples with however many eggs we end up being left with now, are no greater than the chances of conceiving them with the 3 eggs we all wanted with a trigger and IUI.
It's statistics to justify a decision, but that's all the hospital have to go on in their decision, and it's all we have now in ours.
We are responding, not reacting, to a very real but small calculated risk. One that we will take for the most real of reasons, we simply remember how much we want to, and it feels right.