Friday 17 April 2009

Not available in shops

Trying to conceive?....Struggling with infertility?....In need of a soundtrack for you to 'babydance' to?

In this once-off online special offer we give to you the greatest collection of hits on one album. Carefully selected with the reproductively challenged couple in mind, our hormonally unstable experts have compiled the soundtrack for your on-hold life, and futile conception attempts.

We present to you a CD for all your CDs..."The greatest trying to conceive album in the world....ever (Vol. 1)"

Track Listing:

Promiscuous - Nelly Furtado ft Timbaland
Fun and frolics in the early days.

Summer of 69 - Bryan Adams
With a job to do, you can simply forget those days!

Hips don't lie - Shakira ft Wyclef Jean
The golden rule, get up on those cushions!

Coming out of the dark - Gloria Estefan
For those nasty spillage moments.

Relax - Frankie goes to Hollywood
The iconic unwanted and useless advice anthem.

Holiday - Madonna
Because your mother knows ten people who took one and came back with quadruplets!

Oooops I did it again - Britney Spears
To mark those special occasions when your 'mother-of-4' colleague tells you she tripped and fell on a penis, and is now in her 2nd trimester.

Beat it - Michael Jackson
For the men, to mark that first semen analysis.

Tunnel of love - Dire Straits
A great tune to hum while the doctor is burrowing through your woman with electronic equipment.

One in a million - Guns n'Roses
To inspire that one sperm on their quest.

Sitting, waiting, wishing - Jack Johnson
To enjoy during the delightful two week waits.

Bleeding love - Leona Lewis
For those memorable moments of failure!

Try Again - Aaliyah
Because you're all suckers.

Customers from the United States will receive the U.S. version which includes:
Can't buy me love - The Beatles
For all those now childless AND penniless!

The rest of the world will get a separate bonus track:
All that she wants (is another baby) - Ace of Base
A tribute to the secondary infertility rockers.

This wonderful collection of hits will cost you no more than your self respect and dignity in this exclusive online offer.

Volumes 2 to 6,345 coming soon.


Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...


"For those nasty spillage moments."

When will I ever learn.

Don't want my dinner now...

Oh and you know that the CD is out just in time for mothers day!

(yes other commentors, I am a heartless bitch)

Anja said...

Am I supposed to argue with the first comment? *sniggers*

Ms. Moon said...

Sheer fucking brilliance with that one, dear X.

maggie, dammit said...

Oh, hon.


Don't know how you keep finding humor amidst your sadness and frustration but you do it so well. So well.

John Braine said...

"Relax - Frankie goes to Hollywood
The iconic unwanted and useless advice anthem."

Ha! Brilliant!

Anonymous said...

I'm surprised "Lay Lady Lay" wasn't in there.

I'm also laughing myself silly at Kelley's comment.

Foster Mama said...

That is an awesome collection!!!!!

We are definately in the Can't buy me love - The Beatles stage of the process.

Rikki said...

My fave was "Beat it". Can't you just imagine someone trying to keep the rhythm with that song?! Glad to see your sense of humor is still in tact.

Here till the end...

Sue said...

Ooops I did it again... Goddammit.

Thinking of you.

Russ said...

I guess it is a good thing that I don't like most of those songs! said...

You crack me up!

"Oooops I did it again - Britney Spears
To mark those special occasions when your 'mother-of-4' colleague tells you she tripped and fell on a penis, and is now in her 2nd trimester.

ROFL! Thanks...for making me g..r..i..n.. like crazy!

May I nominate for the upcoming volumes:

Can't Get You Out of My Head - Kylie Minogue
'for those special moments of 2ww'

Spinning the Wheel - George Michael
'the beginning of the new cycle, when there is stupid hope'

Another Night - Real McCoy
'when you have boring sex, believing you have ovulated, when actually you have not'


Anonymous said...

Who are you? How could something be so funny and yet so true and sad at the exact same time.

I came here from Maggie, but will stay because I get this.

I did the fertility roller coaster for five years, three miscarriages, until I adopted and then had a biological child with the help of a team of specialists.

I did not have a biological child because the miracle of adoption freed me to relax, as if adoption cures infertility-gah!

I'm so with you on this post.

You are also in my thoughts. I hope this happens for you.

WhatAboutNovember said...

Brilliant! I would like two, no, three. Two for me (I always end up losing or ruining my CDs) and one for a friend of mine. Is it available at a discount on iTunes?

Sarah said...


Beat it. Nice.

And for the record, can I just say I loath the term 'baby dance'.

Elfinamsterdam said...

With this list you are really spoiling us Xbox! (best frererro rocher voiceover) - that was hilarious!

You ROCK!!! Elf!

Rob Monroe said...

Your list is spot on. It's so hard to avoid music, and odds are that you'll hear all the wrong songs when TTC. Come to think of it, all but one or two of these songs on my iTunes.

I have to admit that "Beat It" came on the radio on our way home from an (unsuccessful) insemination attempt. Ugh.

A Decade of BFNs said...

This was great. I printed it to show DH when he picks me up from work.


Craig D said...

I thought the Beatles track would have been "Come Together."

Anonymous said...

Ok, can't resist a challenge, so here I go, based entirely on songs on my iPod...

If you feel something is Missing (Everything But The Girl), then In The Cold Night of Morning (Placebo), Sleepers, Wake (Bach). It's time for a Whole Lotta Love (Led Zep).

Don't go Rushing (Moby) like a RocketMan (Elton John). Go for a Slim Slow Slider (Van Morrison), Deeper and Deeper (Madge). "I Feel You" (Placebo) she'll say (hopefully).

And with Every Breath You Take (Police) say "Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want"(Smiths).

And when the Dance On A Volcano (Genesis)is over, and the Sparks (Coldplay) have flown, when she looks like Cross-Eyed Mary (Jethro Tull) and you've gasped "O Mio Babbino Caro" (Puccini - what, I've eclectic taste)tell her she's an Extraordinary Girl (Green Day).

Repeat Through The Morning And Through The Night (Plant and Krauss).

And hopefully (& so say all of us),
soon you'll feel The Kick Inside (Kate Bush), she'll have to Carry That Weight (Beatles) and you'll have a Child, In Time (Deep Purple).

Liz said...

Oh, I gots to have me some of this.

Hold the Line - Toto
when you are clutching a pregnancy test waiting for elusive second line to appear

Mr Lady said...

You realize you're sitting on a goldmine with this, right?

ME! said...

First off, I hail from VA Blondie's "Do Without Doing" site...and I am so glad I clicked! You are hilarious. Xbox for Nappy Rash. LOL!!!!

OOps I did it again made me snort. Awesome.

Dan said...

How about "Fuck this shit I wish we'd just conceive already" By Xbox and the bunnymen

m said...

Oh now there you go - I need to go dig out my mp3 player and play too. Back soon.

Brilliant post!

Kori said...

Echo and The Bunnymen (or the Doors, depending on how old you all are) singing "People Are Strange." you hang out with some oddballs here, my friend.

James (SeattleDad) said...

Great collection. Tommorow is Record Store Day. I am going to go and try to find it on Vinyl.

mammydiaries said...

"Oooops I did it again - Britney Spears
To mark those special occasions when your 'mother-of-4' colleague tells you she tripped and fell on a penis, and is now in her 2nd trimester."

Love it, love it love it!

Shanny said...

Ha ha, Love it!

Crysbena said...

OMG, my husband loved this post!

Martin said...

@Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo - Wrong hemisphere for mothers day...

@Anja - Yes, she's a bitch.

@Ms. Moon - Language Mrs moon, this is a family show. Oh wait, it's not, obviously. Go ahead.

@maggie, dammit - Humour and frustratino are god buddies, quite easy to find them, they always pal around together.

@John Braine - Heh, I thought of that and was hoping I wouldn't forget it before I wrote it down.

@bsouth - Come on, I know I repeat myself, but I did a lay lady lay not 2 posts ago...

@Foster Mama - Thought that one would ring home to some

@Rikki - I'm gonna have it in my head now next time.

@Sue - hee hee, take care.

@Russ - You and your Uber testicles.

@WiseGuy - Excellent!

@Kelly (conversemomma) - I am batman! no, I am Tiger woods!
Welcome ;-)

@WhatAboutNovember - Special price!

@Sarah - Baby dance rant coming up, sometime.

@Elfinamsterdam - That's not fair, now I want one. Or 2 dozen.

@RobMonroe - hahaha, brilliant. and you shouted to the radio 'I already bloody HAVE!'

@A Decade of BFNs - He'll think you've gone mad.

@Craig D - thats more a case of 'Wishful thinking'

@tinman18 - Out on a limb here, but I'm guessing you had a quiet day at work...

@womb for improvement - Niiiiice....

@Mr Lady - Fancy a job as an agent?

@Lorza - You may be the first one to ever 'get' the title after 2 years...!

@Dan - I sense impatience Daniel?

@m - Rock on

@Kori - Truest thing you've ever said!

@James - You can't beat an hour sifting through the racks on a Saturday can you!

@mammydiaries - hee hee.

@Shanny - Cheers!

@Crysbena - But you didn't? *sniff*

Nic said...

Love it!! Made me laugh so much!

frogpondsrock said...

I think that you might need to add "Pepper" by the Butthole Surfers for when things really go to shit..

Momo Fali said...

I wonder if Michael Jackson uses his own music when he has a(*ahem*) job to do?

I Am Emily... said...

Oh my god I am still laughing! I'm sorry but your sense of humour is amazing.

'Daniel Powter - Bad Day' (Is that how you spell his name?) for when it all frustrates you.

Edith said...

Funny! :)

NukeDad said...

Grammy winner, for sure. The "Oops, I did it again" reference will forever remind me of my clumsy neighbor. Thanks for that. I think.

B said...

Can't Buy Me Love must sound fierce silly in the Netherlands cos y'know

Sarah said...

I am all a twitter! I cant wait to read that rant. Seriously. And if one more person wishes baby dust upon me, I may snap.

Karen MEG said...

It's funny, I've always thought that of the MJ tune, just never voiced it.

Great minds think alike, I guess.

Thinking about you guys and laughing with you, not at you :)

River said...

I actually have a CD called Baby Dance-a toddler's Jump On The classics. Obviously it's classical music, but probably of the kind that might make kids "dance". The picture on the front has a piano with a toddler in nappy (diaper)stepping on the keys. I don't remember why or when I bought it, I do know that I've never played the whole thing.
Your song selection is very appropriate for your situation. You should make copies and sell them, on e-bay or somewhere.

River said...

Just read tinman18 and womb for improvement, very clever. I think you could add "All Day and All of The Night" by the Kinks for those times when the ovulation and/or temperature is right and you're trying all day and all night.......

tiff said...


You are one in a million, my friend.

Que? said...

This all sounds too good. It should be a theme of the week on american idol.

Really bummed you didn't succeed last month. I was away and was sure you'd have good news for me when I got back!

I'd add "It's a hard knock life" (from Annie! which is all the more salt-in-the-wound because its sung by really annoying children which should somehow put you off the goal) and Damn! Wish I was your lover...for moments when you secretly look at fertile people wishing that you could shag them to get to the goal. Ouch.

Anonymous said...

oh dude, I nearly wet my pants.

I mentioned "relax" in one of my recent post-embryo transfer posts. I had it playing in my head over and over... with my legs in the stirrups, I was stoned. on valium. prescribed.

still....shit. this is funny enough to copy and send to my friends. thanks for the laugh.

Jane G said...

I dunno, I don't think a summer of 69s is going to get you a baby.

I pmsl at the "Oooops I did it again" one. I have plenty of those colleagues here. That's why I can't wait to get my release papers.

Thanks for a good laugh on a Monday morning.

Anonymous said...

'snort'...I'll take a dozen!

Martin said...

@Nic - Heh, good.

@frogpondsrock - 'when'... hehehe

@Momo Fali - mental image REALLY not wanted...

@Tanya - amazing/demented, same difference

@Edith - :-)

@NukeDad - One of THOSE is she...

@B - You can buy love, just no kissing on the lips.

@Sarah - you need therapy

@Karen MEG - and fools seldom differ!

@River - That kind of thing could kill a man...

@tiff - not sure thats a good thing.

@Que? - Not the only one bummed!

@S - Heee hee, enjoy!

@Jane G - bad state of affairs if you are looking forward to leaving!

@hotmamamia - Cha-ching...!

Jenni said...

how much do i hate the term babydance?

Chelsea Lietz said...

I'll take two copies.

naughty said...

Hilarious, but sad that it's all true!

JT said...

That's just freaking hilarious!

Martin said...

@Jenni - Not more than me, I'll tell you that...

@Chelsea Lietz - I could be onto something here...

@naughty - indeed! and welcome!

@JT - hilarious is close to demented in my book, cheers ;-)

Bluestreak said...

Ace of Base. I always found that song a little creepy. And at least the chick in the song already had one baby. Selfish woman. Some of us don't

Bluestreak said...

...have even one.

A Free Man said...

I love your recognition that it's only in the U.S. where people find themselves childless and penniless.