Friday 26 June 2009

Hey, you, whatsit...

A decision must be made.

We need a name with which we can refer to this mutating being that has my wife growing out of it's arse.

Calling it 'my baby' is only going to cause confusion when that name is already bestowed upon my iPod, PC, photo printer, telly, and Smartphone.

Add the fact that ET and I can't ever agree on anything, to the delightful news that mood altering hormones have started to kick in, and we are having some trouble pinning a 'name' down between us.

You really haven't played a game of chicken until you've allowed a hormonal pregnant woman bring her face to within an inch of yours, all the while clueless as to whether you are about to get a kiss on the forehead, or a head butt to the bridge of your nose.

It does tend to encourage your agreement with her wishes.

On nicknames themselves, ET doesn't want to call the kid 'Bertie'.

I would be more willing to accept this rebuff of my suggestion had she not already scoffed at 'Bono' and dismissed 'Bruno'.

I don't know why they are all male names, she is convinced it's a girl. I also don't know why they all start with B, although I'm tempted to suggest 'Bugger'.

Either way, we have to call it something while it's busy denying me my conjugal rights in there. 'Squirt' is too obvious, even if it is a shamefully accurate description of how it came to exist.

'Spooge' makes me laugh, but I don't know how appropriate it will be to announce to folk that ET has a belly full of Spooge.

We are open to suggestions, but today in the spirit of ethnic harmony and procreation, I'm toying with the idea of calling it 'Miguel'.

Take that, Nixon.


Thanatos said...

Would Jamal be too ethnic? What about Victor? Would be popular if he decides to travel in Europe.

If it's a girl, call her anything but Trisha.

My first comment here, congrats for procreating! If I'm reading your blog name right, will you be handing out xboxes soon? Can I get mine in black?

Hilary (Maya Papaya) said...

Spike? The Biscuit? Kumquat? Valentine? Sprite? Jon Bon Jovi? Huckleberry?

Lolly? Tiny? Buddy?


Okay I'm out.

I Am Emily... said...

Mine was called Peanut because it was the size of a Peanut when we told everyone the news...

My sis in law is having a Macca because all she has eaten is McDonalds...

My friend is having a Bubbles because it makes her feel bubbly...

A friend of a friend called theirs Buddy because he was a boy and the father thought he could be his little Buddy...

Are you going to find out the gender?

Liz said...

Hercules, because of the herculian efforts it took to get here?

Minze said...

During the last month of pregnancy, the obvious nickname would be "Jonah". (I've been there, twice, and let me tell you: nothing prepares you for how sodding enormous you get.)

Veronica said...

Uhmmm. We always went for 'the baby'. We're creative like that.

jodieodie said...


Mwa said...

I always liked "our little parasite". Accurate and endearing.

Dan said...

know someone who called theirs "bean" which I liked.

Proseaholics said...

I think you should give a Red name.

Rumor has it that a little Indian boy once asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names - Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?"

His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation.

Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.
For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.

Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.

It's very simple and easy to understand. Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?"

I know you're not Native American but don't let that stop you.

V said...

Boy names: Conan the warrior, Thor, Hercules was also a good one, Spike, Little Mr. Incredible

Girl names: Princess pea, Petunia, Babs, Zoey (means full of life)

Gender neutral names: Sticky fingers, MiniXbox, ETX (cross between you & ET), Uno (Spanish for 1)

Ms Avery said...

Monty: A Red name, like Lenin? Trotsky? said...

ROFL@Nixon! Somebody is a little constipated today, eh XBox?

Don't call the Baby- Blooper, Obama, Michael, Courtney, Jenna or Angelina.

How about Genevieve Appleton Mousse Barbarac!

Which makes me think, maybe you are having a girl!

Susanica said...

Good morning X-box. So I take it that you are looking for that cute little nickname to call the kid "en utero" right? Hmmmm...I remember that once Danny became old enough to officially be called a fetus, we started calling him Cletus. With this pregnancy nothing has yet stuck although I do tend toward calling the little one "Crump" or "Crumb" cuz I think it's so funny that all the measurements at this stage are from Crown to Rump. But names not sticking. Like you said, it's important to come to agreement! :-)

Anonymous said...

how's about 'huey'... from saying 'IUI' over and over...

Jane G said...

Maybe call it after the doc who did the IUI?

Sorry I haven't been on here in ages. Now that I'm not working anymore I'm not sat in front of a computer for hours on end every day. Probably not such a bad complaint really! Best of luck with the upcoming scan.

Proseaholics said...

Ms Avery, I meant Red Indian / Native American of course.

But a russian name wouldn't be so bad either. Mikalai Topless-wank-during-ski.

River said...

You're in Holland, where the people wear clogs. Call the little'un clogger. (pre-birth nickname). Eight months from now ET's ribs will be convinced bubs is wearing clogs.

AnnB said...

'Bideach'(pronounced :Beedchuck) Irish for tiny - gender neutral, size appropriate and ethnic.

unmitigated me said...

I like the Biscuit and Bean. For some reason, those B's just sound right. Our first born was Melvin 'ere she arrived.

tiff said...

Ivy and Noah were Bean and Sprout. I really love Anne B's suggestion.

Marissa said...

How about Wii?

You know, Xbox... Wii(wee)... WiiOne...hahaha

Unknown said...

My aunt and uncle called their child 'spud' while in utero, he still has that nickname today, he's almost 5, real name Billy (which they were sticking with regardless of sex!?!, luckily he turned out to be a boy)

Ms. Moon said...

Uh, Spencer? Spencerina?
I call my daughter's inside-the-womb-baby Kicker Bean. Not too original, but that's what I call it when I am kissing her tummy which embarrasses her but too bad.

Russ said...

Let's see, early on we called the babies "ticks". Then, once we knew the gender, by their names.

I do like Jonah, though...

Anonymous said...

Take a random American Primetime character's first name. Take your favourite child hood sweet and your favourite thing about that sweet and you have your name.

If I ever have a kid, it's going to be called Heratio Wham-Bar Sprinkly Bits.
I haven't decided on the last name yet.

Reg said...

Demeter (goddess of fertility)
Grape (size and food reference)
Ripley (Sigourney Weaver's character in Alien, nice!)
Although I like Marissa's suggestion of Wii too!

MissyBoo said...

I quite like "Jellybean" or "Bean" for short... It never quite felt right for my little one, who was nicknamed "Squirm"

Jasper Mockingbard said...

Belly Bean?
Stomach Monkey?
Tres- since it'll be the third member of your family?
3rd Wheel?
3-M, for 3rd musketeer?

I think all my ideas are brillant.

Kori said...

Before we knew Owen was an owen, we called "it" Rupert Jones. : )

Anonymous said...

If it helps, my little sister is calling hers "The Hoff"

Anonymous said...

I vote for Wii (and squirt is hilarious)

Captain Steve said...

Eggbert? Snuffalufagus?

Holemaster said...


Jo said...

I vote Spellie;
Spencer + Ellie = Spellie!

Our daughter was Shit (SheHeIt) or Shim (SheHim) depending on who you talked to.

But Wii is really cute too. It's a hard decision. Good Luck!

NicEmMOM said...

We called ours monkeys, since they jumped and moved around like monkeys while I was prego. Besides my hubby was "pregenant" with a monkey with both girls.

feijoafication said...

I dunno ... at this stage of gestation - peanut? noodle?

And hey, what are you complaining about? A Liverpool kiss never hurt anyone. Did it ???

James (SeattleDad) said...

Ha!Ha! I think Squirt is rather appropriate. Just not in public.

AMH said...

We got fixated on the description that one of the "fetal development calendar" websites had. Early on, they said it looked like a manatee, with sort of a wedge-shaped head and, well, a tail. It has stuck, and we now call it manatee.

Maybe there's an amusing way to characterize its developmental stage that would appeal to you. Right now, ours is supposedly lime-sized, and my husband keeps singing that "lime in the coconut" song. But we're still calling it manatee.

Also, I really like to mark the beginning of the week with a "this week in tiny manatee" email update to him with what is supposed to be going on ("manatee now has fingers and is growing hair").

Good luck, and congrats again.

J from Ireland said...

What about the Babog (fada on the a and o) its Irish for doll as I'm sure you know ;) I think it cute cause it starts with a b and can be either sex. Best wishes.

Mick said...

I think you should call him something like "babe". Something normal and nice. Remember, once it's on the internet it never goes away, and one day he's going to be sitting in front of a computer screen and turn to you and say, "Dad, why did you call me 'spooge'?"

Not something I would look forward to answering... :-)

Insch Stalker said...

our wee boy was "bug" - his daddy thought he looked like the alien chest burster bug in one of his early scans, and as alien seemed a little harsh, I went with bug... also gave us a secret chuckle as we were telling people I had a tummy bug to cover the morning sickess.

hubby thought it looked like the alien momma creature when he saw the spine on a scan later on too... so good job we'd already opted for bug (or as you say, he was agreeing with me as the hormones were all over the place and disagreeing would likely have led to an inability to procreate - or sit down ever again!)

Rikki said...

Peanut is a classic, although maybe to bland for your tastes. Walnut perhaps?

Lorna said...

Why not Spencer???!!

Tara R. said...

I always thought Bean was a cute baby nickname too, good for either a Boy or Girl.

Robin said...

I think you should use squatter as that was your first reference to the tiny babe.
You can use many variations such as Squats, Squatty and if you do discover it's a girl Squattina.
My daughter is 21 and I still use the in-utero reference of pumpkin sometimes :)

Julie said...

Whoa. Ignore the blogs for a few months and WHAM!!!

I was so excited to come here after a longish absence and WOOOO! The best news!!!

I believe, it's been 12 years since I was last pregnant, but I think we called them various names -- baby, Stink, Rhinoceros (our then 4 year old suggested his baby sis/brother be named rhinoceros. We chose not to go that route...).

Being pregnant during the Clinton years, our oldest kid was Bubba for a long time. Weirdly, our middle kid is TDub, as in W, but not as in Geo. W. ( His name is Thor William, hence TW then TDub.)

But I digress. You and the better half will in fact come up with the right name for the parasite and all will be wonderful with your world.

So glad for you!

ME! said...

Do you want a real name or a cutesy name- or does it matter?

I think Shimmy is funny...SHE/HE/'em....personally I think shit is funny (She/he/it) We had a cat like that once b/c we all thought it was a she...turned out it was a hermaphrodite cat. We learned that when it went in for neutering. Needless to say then we would talk about was she, uh,HE, uh, IT!! SHE HE IT! SHIT!!!


I do like Wii One. Funny.

Rachel said...

My son was 'Alien Baby' and my daughter was 'the Little Beast.' After they were born he became Farty and she became Scrunch. Something totally perfect will just come to you out of nowhere.

Anonymous said...

Boobala..plain and simple...good for a girl or boy

Unknown said...

My mom said that she use to call me and my brother "Ima McConaughey"(<-Last name) So when me and my husband see them this weekend we are giving them a thank you card of somesort for something, and it will say, "Love Josh, Erin and Little Ima Voelker."
I thought it was cute, and a fun way to pass the news in a way they would get right away.
Best luck!

Alyssa said...

For a boy: "Clark" I'm fresh out of girl names though. Will you find out the gender?

Martin said...

@Thanatos - Would you believe I have two and neither are black!

@Hilary (Maya Papaya) - I like the idea of sprite, purely from a product placement and revenue earning pov.

@Tanya - yep, we are. You're not... ;-)

@womb for improvement - Nice idea. Far too nice for me.

@Minze - I think I would get great enjoyment out of using that one.

@Veronica - meh.

@jodieodie - were you just smashing your face on the keyboard by the end there?

@Mwa - Ah yes, an endearing parasite.

@Dan - would make me hungry.

@Monty - 'Two strangers staring at your mother's vagina' could be a goer.

@Kathryn - Uno. crosses fingers.

@Ms Avery - Palin?

@WiseGuy - Nixon, I'm starting to like the ring of that.

@Susanica - Agreement is overrated.

@Anonymous - You sound Dutch!

@Jane G - Can't remember her name. Or that or the strange man with the gash on his head beside her.

@River - Hmmm, maybe not.

@AnnB - My Irish is rusty.

@Middle Aged Woman - The Bs are catchy.

@tiff - Sprout kind of works.

@Marissa - Only for a price!

@Ruth - Spud, would make me hungry.

@Ms. Moon - I think Spencer has had his day.

@Russ - I'm with you on Jonah.

@Maxi Cane - Oprah Twix Nibbling-the-sides-off

@Reg - No fruit. you're fired.

@M+B - squirm gives me the creeps

@Jasper Mockingbard - I think you need coffee.

@Kori - er, why?

@bsouth - I like it!

@geeksinrome - squirt is back on my list!

@Captain Steve - Very male...

@Holemaster - ooooh, very clever...

@Jo - Shit? Thats a bit harsh ;-)

@NicEmMOM - Monkeys get a bit big!

@kma - No, headbutts are lovely.

@James (SeattleDad) - I'm starting to like it.

@AMH - Cool, so it's running its fingers through its own hair!

@J from Ireland - That's also doll isn't it, which kind of creeps me!

@Mick - heh, the kid is gonna have to get used to the facts of life living here.

@Insch Stalker - bet you fooled them all with that tummy bug story ;-)

@Rikki - I do fancy the occasional pistachio

@Lorna - gah. He's fired.

@Tara R. - I'd want it on toast....

@Robin - Squatter is a good one I think.

@Julie - That's what happens when you look away!

@Lorza - cat story - creepy!

@Rachel - I don't like these alien references!

@hotmamamia - or a husband...

@Erin - Nice! Hope they 'get it'!

@Alyssa - Why Clark? yep, we are. You're not... ;-)

AnnD said...

When we were pregnant with Emma, we called her "Beanie" because she looked like a little bean on the first sonogram. Even when we found out she was a girl and she had a name, we still called her Beanie while she was still in there.

I'm not creative in the least but I have the same issue, I can't call a baby "it" and feel they must be given a cutesy nickname while they are still embryos and fetuses.

Jo said...

Cletus the fetus is fucking hysterical.

You could get away with Spoogle or Spoogler.

Mick said...

I have to say that I love Cletus the Fetus too. Pure genius :-)

Putz said...

a good mormon name would be MORTERANKCHERMER....HE was a general in the lamanite invasion in 659 bc in warez mexico

Deb said...

Our first child was known as Blasto for a very long time, because he was a blastocyst before he became a he. :)

Mama Smurf said...

I vote for Beaner. Congratulations by the way. Was so happy to return from a long Google reader break to find out the fantastic news!

Anonymous said...

I vote for Wii... or Spike (in honour of all the injections).

May said...

A really good B name is Baxter. I also like the name Rocket. Sometimes I call people Cutes, and that is fun, but you could also call the baby "The Captain". If you're really feeling the B names you could just call the wee one Bee. Little Busy Bee. Or Button.

Sheila said...

I reckon you should stick with the Irish theme, so leanbh or paiste .... maybe citeog if either of you are left handed or Bosco in honour of being a child of the 80's!

Anonymous said...

Squit - then ET can scream "get this little squit out of me" - as you do in the throes of excruciating pain.

All This Trouble... said...

I know she doesn't like "bert" but...

Eggbert is very catchy.

Martin said...

@AnnD - 'It' just isn't gonna work for me!

@jothemama - I did chuckle...

@Mick - :-)

@Putz - I might put that on the 'maybe' list...

@Deb - Or for the Irish slant, Blast O'Cyst ?

@Mama Smurf - Thank you!

@Anonymous - If I get a free one it can be Wii!

@May - Rocket? We're kind of hoping it doesnt shoot off anywhere any time soon.

@Sheila - I would absolutely use Bosco if it wasn't for the image of a hand up his backside.

@Tismee2 - er...ok...

@All This Trouble... - not so much for a wee girl though?

Craig D said...

"Bud" rather than "Buddy" says I.

Anonymous said...


Elfinamsterdam said...

We called Sean "lump" until he was born...

I actually still call him Lump now... mostly Lazy Lump and Cheeky Lump

Failing that Bumbalis

It's safely unisex... *nods wisely*

sinead said...

I called Z 'the kid', which some people found offensive and not very maternal.

Karen MEG said...

Don't call her Diva if she's a girl...self-fulfilling prophecy, just so you know.

I like Sweet pea, Junior, little spazz maybe?

Oh this is too fun ;)

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Er, what about Wayne?

Anonymous said...

Can I have your Xbox now, I'll pop round for it...

Angel said...

Well? Have you chosen a nickname yet? Get to it!

Sniffle said...

Something cosmic and ethereal , strong and stubborn yet yielding and malleable with the elemental storms. Something beautiful, indicative of the possibilities in a journey.

Fred, maybe.

There’s a line, love set you going like a fat gold watch . I think fat gold watch would be a great name, or Fred .

Anonymous said...

We called our first one Rodger, as he was Mrs Tin's Lodger.

Martin said...

@Craig D - Miller?

@Christa - That just wouldn't work for me Im afraid.

@Elfinamsterdam - Lump isn't half bad actually.

@sinead - hahaha, you can't win can you.

@Karen MEG - little spazz? Er, no, don't think so.

@StyleDog - No & no. She says.
If you come to collect it you get to babysit.

@Angel - No!
all the good ones are gone!

@Sniffle - Fred is good, but a tad, er, male.

@tinman18 - THAT is catchy. Seriously.
That could be tried out.

Ave said...

LOL, my sister and I threatened our mother with the spectre of future grandchildren named 'Tia Maria' and 'Jack Daniel' when we were teenagers :p

Blues said...

Spooge is pretty funny. But Bruno is funnier. I think I have weird associations with that name.

Unknown said...

Xbox~delurking to send you and ET a huge congratulations on the little parasite!

I vote Wii.

I can't wait to read the transformation of your posts from trying to conceive to LIVING WITH A HORMONAL TORNADO!

Martin said...

@Ave - I'd go for the JD myself but I gag at the smell these days.

@Blues - Spooge in her belly. hahaha.

@Hyphen Mama - Thanks a million!