Monday, 23 June 2008

A UV light at the end of the tunnel

So, Spencer has been dispatched, hopefully with more success than the shaggin' Dutch, who rolled over for the Russians on Saturday night.

Now begins another two week wait to see if he has had any more luck this time than the previous (approximately) one billion and twenty six times he's been sent into action.

Which brings me to the revelation that I think I've hit a medical breakthrough, a concept that could change the lives of people trying to conceive (and possibly parents of teenage boys) forever.

Surely, the white coat brigade (scientists, not butchers) could come up with something that men can drink, which would turn their wee swimming troop luminous. Glow in the dark and traceable through human flesh.

Just like UV lamps can pick up certain stains and substances on surfaces, surely they can fashion something that can follow a guy's emissions internally?

So all that would need to happen is Mr Lubba-Lubba would drink this magic substance a half hour or so before ugly bumping, and it would turn his awesome sauce luminous.

Then by waving the 'Spencer Tracer' wand (trademark & patent pending) over Ms. Lubba-Lubba's funny bits, the participants can follow the progress of the wee buggers internally.

It would be possible to see which ones have put their feet up just inside the door, and which are beavering away and where they are beavering to.

Should none be heading in the right direction, then they can try again, or just go ahead and get drunk, 2 weeks early.

Aside from the possible issues arising from abuse of the idea, such as wives spiking their husband's porridge with the stuff, and then waving the Spencer Tracer around their babysitter's throat, it can only be seen as an idea full of sheer brilliance, I think.

61 comments:

John Braine said...

Good luck!!!!

I googled "Illuminous Sperm" and Whaddayaknow!

Rachel said...

This is brilliant. I can't believe it's not already implemented somewhere. Now you just need a really smart rich person to help you out with this ;-)
Thanks for the early morning laugh.

samcrea said...

Xbox, I had quite the opposite problem to you, I'm as potent as poteen..

Only recently been reading the blog, is this a first child??

Immoral Matriarch said...

Good luck. :)

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@John Braine - Cheers. Well feck that lot over in Oxford anyway, I won't be holding my breath on that pending patent so.

@Rachel - As John above you has pointed out, its already been nabbed. Bugger it anyway!

@Samcrea - If it ever turns up it would be the first, yes.

My ego forces me to point out that potency isn't an issue, technically.
Everything is 'in working order' on both side of the fence.

But the proof of the pudding...as they say...

@ImmoralMatriarch - Thank you m'dear.

the planet of janet said...

delurking.

becuz you just had me spewing my latte all over the keyboard.

a sticky mess.

A Whole Lot of Nothing said...

Dispatched? How about throwing some love into the mix? Pshaw.

Lilacspecs said...

The babysitters throat eh?
On behalf of babysitters everywhere, I babysat a ton my whole life and never once did I serve as a "daddy batter" receptacle. Nasty!

carolyn said...

Oh xbox you need LESS information about your nibbles and bits not more.

I'm crossing all fingers and toes for you!

Kori said...

Am i the only person for whom this seems just a tad bit, you know, creepy? Ugh. :)

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@the planet of janet - A sticky mess? that's my kind of language!
Cheers for the de-lurk!

@A whole lot of nothing - What was it Tina Tuner sang?

@Lilacspecs - I don't believe a word of it....

@Carolyn - Ignorance may well be bliss after all then?
thanks.

@Kori - I really hope you're not, otherwise we may have cause for concern for humanity!

Hilary (The Trying Game) said...

"...and it would turn his awesome sauce luminous."

This sentence had me giggling. Too funny.

Wishing you buckets of luck this cycle, old friend.

iVegasFamily said...

Glowing sperm? You're thinking too much. But it would be cool though.

John Braine said...

Also reminds me of this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ky5u6vm44ak
which is the only thing I can remember from that movie.

Putz said...

i,m waiting for news, two weeks, there goes 3 seconds, oops there goes 1.5 seconds, opps there goes 4 seconds,,,,, i watch some tennis...grass...opps there went a whole 5 minutes, how time flies....

MadWoman said...

Oh my gosh, the whole post was funny but it was the last paragraph with the babysitter getting her throat checked that made me laugh out loud. Now of course, my spawn are waiting for the little alien antennae to pop out of my head because clearly I am from another planet.

Good luck!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Hilary - Cheers big ears.

@iVegasFamily - Ah everyone need an overactive imagination, and toxic bodily fluids.

@John Braine - I can't place that movie at all, but that is brilliant. Must go find that.
Glow in the dark. Maybe next month. Although the condoms might defeat the purpose.

@Putz - Wimbledon is on for a fortnight, that'll keep you busy.

@MadWoman - Cheers, thanks!...and you're not that mad.

Dan said...

I think I read somewhere that Sunny Delight does that already.

Ed (zoesdad) said...

Had to bring the sitter into this didn't you? I've got enough trouble on my hands as it is...

Jo Beaufoix said...

Heh heh that is so funny. Good luck.

Single Parent Dad said...

And, if you could strengthen your formula further, illuminous children would be great for road safety and not losing them in a supermarket.

Momo Fali said...

Dude. You are going to be rich.

Bettina said...

There's beavering away in the beaver?

Suze said...

As a parent of two teenage boys, I could probably use this instead of having to illuminate their rooms with light globes.

How environmentally friendly! Save on power bills, and find out tmi about your teenagers at the same time.

P.S. Dude, good luck to Spencer, Ellie, you and of course ET. Hopefully this time is THE time.
xxx

nola said...

That IS genius! Here's hoping the boys find there way this cycle!!

wpat said...

Haha, this was funny. Maybe if the UV doesn't work you can outfit Spencer with laser beams. Then he could shoot anything that gets into his way and easily cut the desired hole in the egg.

Veronica said...

You know that I'm all about the blue toenails. Immediately upon conception, womens toenails would turn blue, therefore eliminating the need for pee sticks.

Quickroute said...

Kudos on a 'bright' idea!
Bummer about the football :-(
I thought they would go all the way.

justmylife said...

I have a teenage son, please don't make my mind go there! Best of luck to you this cycle! Rooting for Spencer!!

Blue toenails I have never heard of that.

Dto3 said...

Suze and justmylife - that's friggin' nasty! Leave the funnies to Xbox. As the dad of a tween, don't want to think about it. . .

Jill said...

Freakin' hilarious... as always! Wishing you good thoughts these next 2 weeks... and anything you can do to keep your mind off of "things".

Marie said...

Brilliant xbox! That would answer a certain set of questions rather quickly. :)

We begin the 2 week countdown today as well. Crossing eyes, fingers, toes, arms, not legs - can't get anything "done" with legs crossed - and practically bathing in baby dust. *sprinkle sprinkle* Here's some for you! Don't sneeze!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Dan - You've tried it, haven't you...admit it.

@Ed - You made your er...back seat...now you must lie in it...

@Jo Beaufoix - Thank you m'am.

@Single Parent Dad - AND they could get parts in the Simpsons easier...

@Momo Fali - Rich/Institutionalised, 50/50 really.

@Bettina - Finally someone picked up the beaver reference. 10 points.

@Suze - You never know! maybe. Thanks.

@Nola - Fingers crossed indeed!

@Wpat - considering his abilities so far, I think it's somewhat unwise to equip him with and futuristic weaponry in and around reproductive organs.

@Veronica - that would cause a whole load of hassle for l'oreal or whoever makes toenail shit.

@Quickroute - I'm quietly smug they lost, I love watching misery around me.

@justmylife - I do believe, it's too late!

@Dto3 - All ahead of you...

@Jill - There will be a lot of Law & Order watched over the next fortnight!
Cheers.

@Marie - Good luck to ye.
A major pain in the arse so it is.

B said...

hahaha! the more "abusive" idea that you mentioned at the end would be 1000 times more profitable I reckon.

Tracey said...

Could it be alcoholic, do you think? Then it could serve two purposes.

Seriously though, anything that could do that to Spencer probably wouldn't really be safe to drink...

baby~amore' said...

That is a spectacular idea xbox - now you just need to market and patent an invention.
ROFL at the idea ..mention of teenage boys too .NOT !

A GPS for sperm ...

Angel said...

ooh ooh! And a way to make each donation from a different guy glow in a different color!
I knew girls in college whose throats would have looked like a pack of Skittles.

tiff said...

Lordy, you are going to be a millionaire! Suspicious housewives everywhere are going to flock to your corner of the market!

Russ said...

Damn, I was going to comment, but it looks like they all were taken! One of you better works my friend. Sorry about the delay, just got back from visiting Jasper.

Karen said...

I'm gonna go ahead and say that I hope this never gets invented....only for the fact that I would have a hard time not purchasing that wand and seeing for myself just how much man chowder is all over everything in the world.

Chances are, I'd be a little horrified.

Rikki said...

I told my husband about your idea. He got a look of horror all over his face and commented "you'd probably never look at a hand towel the same way again". Ewww...is that why they're so crusty? ;)

AnnD said...

Oooooooo! I hope that we get good news at the end of this cycle!

Deb said...

You could open up betting!! People would definitely gamble on sperm.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@B - You could be onto something there...

@Tracey - Let it glow, let it glow, let it glow!

@baby~amore - Too close to home eh?
;0)

@Angel - Pissed myself at the skittles...

@Tiff - I'll have your order ni the mail first thing ;0)

@Russ - No problems, Jasper ok?

@Karen - You'ld never sit on your sofa again!

@Rikki - I may be a tad gross, but your hubby... I'm thinking dinner guests will bring their own wet wipes to your place from now on...

@AnnD - You and me bloody both!

@Deb - A few of my sisters certainly have over the years... ;0)

Tara R. said...

If you don't make millions in the field of fertility, you'll do it in the infidelity market. Bright, Shiny Sperm... Brilliant.

womb for improvement said...

Anything that gets rid of the two week wait has to be good.

I saw an advert for a new test today that you can use 6 days before you are due. Obviously its all a con and I shouldn't be draw in by advertising. (Oh, and obviously I'll be buying it next time I think I am even vaguely likely to get in the family way).

Let me know when the spencer tracer is on the market too...

Maggie, Dammit said...

I'm thinking that thing you could all drink is called "beer".

Just sayin'.

Maggie, Dammit said...

p.s. "awesome sauce"?

????

DUDE, how do you DO that thing with the fancy writing every. damn. time???

PG said...

positive thoughts heading over the Atlantic............

what was with the Dutch defense? shambles!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Tara R - an infertile infidelity millionaire, nice ring to it....

@Maggie, Dammit - to confess, awesome sauce was brought to my attention by someone else, but in the context of having an actual 'sauce' that was just awesome.

I just borrowed and bent it.

@PG - an average defence at best, never their strong point, and if they have an off day up front, it's curtains. Cheers.

Tismee2 said...

No.51 commenter, see what happens when I have a migraine.

So if your book deal doesn't come off 'glow sperm' could be an alternative?

Oh and I just happened to be eating cream cheese when I read this - lucky I have a cast iron gut!

Good luck guys

Dondi Tiples said...

Billions of glow-in-the-dark thingies. Hmmmm. Creepy. I think I've seen some toxic-slime-evolution horror movie somewhere that reminds me of exactly that.

Would microchip technology work? Then you can get audio contact with billions of Spencers at work, like..."Houston, we have contact." Or some such momentous announcements.

bsouth said...

I can't decide who's funnier - you, or your commenters. Daddy Batter? Skittles? To mention but two - ha ha ha ha! Mind you, the idea of luminous sperm does appeal.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Tismee2 - I don't think there's any fortune to be made from either, frankly.
cream cheese... gross, woman, gross.

@Dondi Tiples - I think the idea of hearing the little buggers is just that one step too far for me to stomach.

@Bsouth - Appeal does it? you won't be saying that when you find the bottom of your bedroom curtains glowing...

K8spade said...

"Awesome sauce" = awesome!

Huckdoll said...

You and your awesome sauce.

John Braine said...

Hey x-box put some of this on your chips.

Captain Steve said...

I kind of hate you right now, because I am mentally picturing how that whole thing would go down and damnit, those are not mental pictures I want or need.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@K8spade - we'll soon find out how awsome it is !

@Huckdoll - All beacause of you!

@John Braine - THAT IS BRILLIANT, can I nick it?

@Captain Steve - 'go down' ? whatever takes your fancy I suppose...

John Braine said...

All yours! May the sauce be with you.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@John Braine - Cheers, consider it nicked.