Friday, 20 June 2008

An unlikely hero?

I know it's been a while, but listen up old chap, I've got some news for you.

You have another chance.
Okay I know you've had lots, but this is a big one.

You see Spencer, I've told you before you are the chosen one, a natural leader among (se)men, you are the milky trojan warrior, explorer of fallopian wildernesses, captain upon mucus covered cervical seas, and hopefully, the capturer of eggish damsels in distress.

Your qualifications alone will not seal your place in history though, luckily the fates of football and ovulation have combined and lined you up the perfect opportunity.

Holland's quarter final game against Russia is on Saturday night, and we already know the benefits a drunken sporting celebration can bring.

Remember Ellie, that piece of skirt you've been chasing? well, guess what? She's going to be in town then.

So what are you waiting for? Everything is ready and waiting for you, (15th time around you lazy prick), the sun is shining (somewhere, probably), it's the weekend, you'll have a (socially acceptable amount to) drink, watch some sexy football, so why not top it off by hooking up with a nice bit of booty?

Tap that eggy ass for the love of God, you know you want to.

'What's the hurry?, why now?' I hear you say.

Well Spencer, balls are rolling once again.

Straighten yourself up and stop laughing, I don't mean those two plums you spend most of your day in, I mean 'metaphorical' balls.

Steps are being taken, and after this cycle, it may well be out of your hands, and well, you'll be back in mine, once again.

The bottom line Spencer, my favourite little Casper lookalike, is this - This.Is.It.
It's being put on a plate for you, physically, cosmically, romantically, and desperately.

Worm your slimey little arse all the way in and up, and hold on, by your teeth if you have to.

Otherwise, you face the sack, or worse still, the plastic cup.

56 comments:

Veronica said...

Poor Spence, caught between a rock and a hard place...

Or something like that.

Karen MEG said...

Go Spencie, go!!!

Putz said...

sorry for the irish joke, i know you went to FRANCE....i'm sure you missed all the bars

Suze said...

Go Spencer! We're all rooting for you....so to speak.

"Milky trojan warrior" - that seriously cracked me up :)

Lilacspecs said...

That was inspired! Wanna give my bewbies a pep talk?

Tara R. said...

I'll raise a glass of Hoegaarden and cheer on Holland and Spencer. (I promise not to sing again, but I will be throwing confetti). Good luck!

Captain Steve said...

Unlikely hero? I say nay! I believe in him! (Also, threats of being confined to a cup must be terrifying for a sperm.)

baby~amore' said...

So Spencer- you'll not want the plastic cup lad.
ROFL that is a beauty xbox ...

People in the Sun said...

Spencer, in the name of all that is holly, we count on you to fight the good fight and create another warrior in the struggle against Godless-Communism. Spencer, Yes We Can! Let's make it a 2-0.

Rachel said...

Go Spencer Go!
Swim buddy Swim! Tap that eggy ass. i'm rollin' here.

Andria and Co. said...

Run, Spencer, RUUUUUN!!!!!

kittyconcerto.com said...

Tap that egg for goodness sake Spencer! You know she wants you. You know she wants nothing more than to get covered in your milky greatness.....

ok wow. I gotta stop. lol. Go Spencer! We're all rooting you on!

DD said...

Remember how you recently left a comment about feeling dirty but a little disappointed as well?

I'm returning the favor.

Jill said...

OMG - this is freakin' hilarious. I wish you nothing but sex of the dirtiest kind this weekend...

Good luck!

Kori said...

Like I tell you, this motivates ME, so if Spencer doesn't do it, there is something wrong with him. Really. May your team win-in all arenas!

Marie said...

*waving the Spencer flag*

Hilary (The Trying Game) said...

Cheering Spencer on, all the way from Canada...

Go little fella, GO!!!!

iVegasFamily said...

Great pep talk. Spencer has his marching orders. Hopefully he'll make us proud.

tysdaddy said...

You need to pull out every sports movie you can think of and play the ubiquitous coach's pep talk for little Spencer. Perhaps Pacino in Any Given Sunday. Or perhaps Rudy.

It's *your* house Spencer!

Married Leos said...

That's right, when all else fails, threaten him with a plastic cup and turkey baster.

zoeyjane said...

I may be the only one thinking this, and I do know that you catch more, uh, flies with honey...but maybe spencer needs to get a stern talking to from that egg. I mean, there's nothing so good to get things revved up as make up sex, right?

sarah said...

Hope Spencer is able to seal the deal for you guys!! Sounds like fate will work in your favor with the sports and ovulations stars aligning!!

womb for improvement said...

I have no idea how to follow that.

Don't peak too early?
Hope your cup runneth over...

Thanks for the ovulation site link. And I will try my damdest NOT to be thinking of you this weekend!

Maggie, Dammit said...

No pressure, Spence.

YOU CAN DO IT!

Kevin S. (manmail) said...

I wonder if poor little Spency is a bit direction-challenged like many men seem to be. Seriously, the little guy might be trying his best in there, but just swimming round and round the block, convinced that tight skirt is just around the next turn.
You know, they make those GPS units pretty small these days . . . I bet if you equip Spencer with one that has the female voice telling him where to turn . . .
Just a thought.

Quickroute said...

Very funny! Spence and Holland for the double!! Let's hope neither gets a red card!

Maternal Mirth said...

Spence needs to talk to my hubby's sperm, Will. Will has not only the map, but some kind of Star Trekkian transporter that gets him there without even having sex ...

Will is rooting for you! So am I :)

Rikki said...

Go BIG SPENCE! Stick it to 'em! (pun intended)

When I toast a cold one this weekend, I will be sure to stand up and salute him (all the way from rural Illinois, USA)!

*Rikki stands up and salute's her computer screen*

MadWoman said...

Oh Spencer...the plastic cup is looming and all you do is sit there. Get your tail in gear my man and go find that one special egg. Really Spence, it's about time you swam up to the plate.

bsouth said...

God I hope holland win - otherwise the fates aren't good. Spence - ignore the result and whilst all the humans are watching footie, go find Ellie. NOW. GO!

Huckdoll said...

Awesome sauce.

justmylife said...

Here's hoping Spencer doesn't face the cup again!

A Whole Lot of Nothing said...

I hope Spencer has a way with the egg like you have a way with words.

Widdle Shamrock said...

Just for you X~Box

**Pulls out pom poms and puts on Cheerleading outfit**

Spencer Spencer, he's our guy,
Get her pregnant,
Give it a try

GGGOOOOOOO Spencer.

Spencer !!!! Swim ya bastard, swim !!!!

AnnD said...

Swim spermies swim! Attack that egg and may the best sperm win!!!

gunfighter1 said...

Alright Spencer, now you listen to me, and listen good!

I know you can do this, mate. This is the day that you were born for. Now go out there and do what you know is right; hit that egg like nobody's business!

You meet with resistance? SMASH IT DOWN! Penetrate lad, PENETRATE!

No prisoners, my lad! None. No tomorrow!

Stiff upper lip and never say die.

Swim and hit the beach!

Now, GO GO GO GO GOOOOOO!!!

Jenni said...

come on spencer, this is your time!

Angel said...

Go, Spencer, go!!

Kelley said...

ewwww, you totally put me off my latte with all your secretion talk. For the love of God Spence just DO IT! BoxBoy is running out of metaphors and similes and all those other language thingies.

nola said...

Come on Spence!! You can do it!!! All the best!

Dto3 said...

Lois Lane won't be wearing the kryptonite panties tonight!

wpat said...

You totally need that costume for real!

Tismee2 said...

Like Kevin s says - maybe he gets a little lost in there? We all know men won't stop and ask for directions.

Tell him its ok to ask for help.

Hoping both your teams are winners!

Ed (zoesdad) said...

Bang one for the Gipper, Spence!

BTW, XBox. You will not be allowed to provide pre-game motivational speeches to my kids' little league teams.

B said...

the dutch will slaughter them.
as will spencer... wait not thats the exact opposite to his goal

Deb said...

Oh, God, NO! NOT THE PLASTIC CUP!! Swim, Spencer, swim!!

tiff said...

Come on Spencer, 'do us' proud!

B said...

well... hiddink is dutch

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@All - Spencer feels encouraged & flattered by the rousing encouragement...

Jo Beaufoix said...

Spencer, go for it. Yeah I know, this is late but hey, there's still time, do it. You CAN be the egg man.

Immoral Matriarch said...

C'mon Spence. Get it done!

Widdle Shamrock said...

So Spencer was pleased to hear we were all rooting for him?? ;)

Dondi Tiples said...

We're all right here cheering you on, Spencer! (only don't go get stage fright, you hear?) Squirt while the squirting's good.

frogpondsrock said...

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Yay I definately want a Spencer t-shirt now..

James Austin said...

For the Love of God, Spencer, get it done!!! This is the Olympics and you are going for the gold, so now is the time to shine, little guy!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Jo Beaufoix - egg man, walrus anyone?

@ImmoralMatriarch - YOU tell him, he wont listen to me.

@Widdle Shamrock - you can ask him yourself!

@Dondi Tiples -'Squirt' eeeuw.

@Frogpondsrock - semen on your chest...?

@james Austin - Oh lord I forgot about the olympics... cue lots of swimmer jokes...