Monday, 2 June 2008

I can't get off

No, it's not some weird over-sexed climaxing problem, rather its another 'no one ever told me that' moment.

Once you start trying to conceive, you can never really stop, until the process ends one way or another.

The old analogies are still the best, this is one hell of a merry-go-round.

Even when you want to stop obsessing, if you know you need to stop for the sake of both of your wits, you just can't.

Here we are, on our 14th spin, and we are as certain as we can be that we either need a big slice of luck, or some medical help, whatever form that may take.

Yet, still, here we are in the final days of the cycle again wondering, again hoping, again allowing the flutters of anticipation to creep up from our guts, even though we all but know what the outcome will be before the week ends.

It's yet another thing slipping from my grasp.

Every step in this trying to conceive process seems to result in me losing control of yet another aspect I used to command.

Almost as strange, all I can feel about it is indifference, a resignation to the fact that I have no control in what the outcome will be. Sure, I can force certain paths, but the outcome, the end result, is 100% out of my hands.

I can no longer even 'opt out', this cycle has been the worst by far, lack of energy, unhelpful people, and frustration at the biggest disappointment yet, and I still can not bring myself to just stop.

There is no chord to pull, no emergency brake, no way to step off this ride.

So around we have to go again, like it or not, past the frustration, past the disappointment, past the sadness, and worst of all - past the hope.

I used to hope by choice, and now I hope by force.

55 comments:

Myst_72 said...

Fingers crossed...
and toes...

G
xx

Mrs. Kitty said...

we are all hoping with force right along with you. friends of mine had difficulty conceiving for YEARS. they just gave birth to triplets in dec. (http://brianandcindy.blogspot.com/) there is hope.

Mrs. Kitty said...

sorry....the comment process is being weird to me. Mrs. Kitty=www.kittyconcerto.com, in case you were wondering "who the hell is this??" *lol*

Huckdoll said...

There's nothing worse than being controlled OR having no control. I can't imagine the both of them stacked up like that and I feel for you!

I totally thought you couldn't get off in the first sense...why'd you think I added you to my reader, lol.

Widdle Shamrock said...

I feel your frustration, and am hoping for SOMETHING to happen.

**Sprinkles pregnancy dust*

**Does wobbly belly pregnant dance**

**Prays**

**Sends out best wishes**

I know when we were trying, it was all consuming.

Jenni said...

hoping...

Karen MEG said...

I know it's impossible to "get off"; even when you're taking a break, you feel that you really should be doing something, anything, what if this is the cycle; you don't have the energy, it's becoming a chore; and you hit the perfect word "resignation".

We took "guilty" breaks every so often, to weigh the circumstances, the next steps ... always thinking about the race against that clock. Almost a race against hope. At least I was.

So we were knocked down a fair bit, but we did get up again (note: I still hate that tubthumping shit song cuz, yeah, that came out the year we started trying too. Ugh).

But please, please do not lose the hope. Even a flicker, a glimmer of it, will keep you going. Promise.

tiff said...

If there is no hope, there is nothing.

Hugs, my friend.

Here's to not having to hope by force.

Here's hoping for that flutter of excitement and anticipation at the end of an uneventful pregnancy.
Hugs. Hugs. That's all I have for you.

bsouth said...

I'm commenting just so you know I'm here really. I hope so much for you that it doesn't have to be forced. like myst_72 I have everything crossed. And remember, once you have a child (and you will) there will be so many more merry go rounds that you just can't get off. Good luck.

Putz said...

yep it is called faith...not in your voodoo doll, not in us, maybe a little in your doctors, but an awfully lot in your savior, and of course not your pope....my boy had a roll over accident in a buggy..motorize thing with crash bars on top...he put out his arm as a reflex action and the weight snap his bones and left it dangling...well i was CONVINCED all would be well, the arm healed and no nerves to his fingers and hand were felt, and no movement.....so 6 months and he tells me the arm is crap, and i say i have this faith that all will be well....well damit you know the end of the story

Roth Family Adventures said...

I can sense your frustration. No doubt about it. All hope is not gone. You seriously need to relax a little. You're stressing yourselves out too much. Hell, you're stressing me out.

I truly hope this goes your way soon. It needs too.

Backpacking Dad said...

If you stand in the middle it's not as dizzying.

I wonder if the same is true of metaphorical merry-go-rounds.

Hilary (The Trying Game) said...

Sending support, hope and hugs your way

Rachel said...

I don't 'know' what you're going through, but I feel your pain through every post. Your optimism and hope shine through even your most frustrated postings.

I have hope and prayers for you.
If I could send you fertility, I would.
Maybe the fertility statue will work.
Best wishes and I can't wait to celebrate because I just know y'all will do it, I mean... accomplish it!

Ed (zoesdad) said...

Sometimes all you can do is plug onward. Here's to happy plugging.

tysdaddy said...

"I used to hope by choice, and now I hope by force."

Dude, you said a philosophical mouthfull there.

My wife and I struggled for almost three years trying to hatch our second child. We knew the recipe and had all the ingredients, but it just wouldn't happen.

Not the same as your situation, I know, but I can relate just a wee bit to the frustration.

I wish you persuasive sperm and easily gullible eggs.

Suze said...

I have all my bits crossed for you guys - not that it's really going to help, but it's the thought that counts supposedly.
Hang in there - you're gonna get there soon.

EmmaK said...

I have absolutely no idea how you can even get an erection at this stage of play. I'm sure you're wife is sexy, I just mean....you've been performing for so long. I'm proud of you that the rod is strong even if the will is weak!

Bettina said...

Praying for yous. :)

Quickroute said...

It ain't over till the fat baby sings!

Immoral Matriarch said...

I'm totally doing my own fertility dance right now in case Ashanti starts slacking.

wpat said...

Maybe Clay Aiken can offer some tips? Sorry, I know you said no more jokes but I couldn't resist after hearing Gay-ken knocked someone up.

Monique said...

To add to the sentiments of the masses...even if your hope falters or has to be drummed up "by force" it looks like there are a lot of folks out there, myself included, hoping with full hearts and under no gun point so you'll have some to spare in these moments.

Shamelessly Sassy said...

I told my husband about your blog, and well, he's pretty pumped that there is a guy out there besides himself that sometimes refers to his sperm by name.

nola said...

Do hang in. You'll know when it's your time to get off the crazy ride. We're all here, even when you have unhelpful staffers!

A Whole Lot of Nothing said...

Love to you both

Veronica said...

Sometimes the train wreck cycles can just work though.

And other times, they are just horrible cycles that should never have existed.

TTC sucks, but I am keeping everything crossed for you anyway.

Jillian said...

I just started reading you but I wanted you to know that from what I have read, it sounds like we are in the same boat. Finally after 18 months of humping it and 7IUI's we finally got that elusive BFP. Couldn't believe it. Still can't to be honest. It took such a toll on us that I don't know if we'll ever recover.

Unfortunately I went to the RE on Friday for a very early ultrasound (5w3d) and was told that I am sharing my womb with a subchorionic hematoma. Basically a large blood clot. I was also told that I have a 50/50 chance of miscarrying. If I am able to even get past this point, then my risk of premature delivery goes up significantly. And of course this is all on the heels of my most recent breast cancer scare.

It just never gets easier, does it? I'm sorry that you are going through this. I don't want to ask redundant questions that I am sure you have answered in the past, but if you ever want to talk or just bitch, I'm always happy to have a friend.

I just know that the day you stop expecting the positive is the day you get it. It's so hard to stop counting the cycle days but it does help. I ended up getting my BFP after taking 3 months off. Truly off. This was our first month back after that time. We were using injectables.

Come say hi sometime. You are always welcome at my place.

Misssy M said...

Not to to be flip...but at the very least this is karma's way of letting you and the missus pack lots of sex in before the kids come along (which they will, fingers crossed) and stop you from having sex through their various way little ways.

Even if every sesh ends up with your wife hanging upside down to give the swimmers a little gravity help.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Myst_72 - Thanks very much, mind don't fall though.

@Mrs Kitty - I prefer Mrs Kitty, I must post my catwoman dominatrix picture sometime.

It's great to see success stories.

@Huckdoll - The control is wrecking my head, I've always done what I wanted, when I wanted. This is a hell of a lesson.

@Widdle Shamrock - All consuming, 100% correct.

@Jenni - Me too, unfortunately.

@Karen MEG - Whether I want to or not, I don't think I have any control over hope.

@Tiff - Thank you, very much.

@Bsouth - Thank you, honestly.

@Putz - Yikes, faith. I dunno about that Putz, I may have hope, but faith is a whole other bag of cats.

@Roth Family Adventures - Frankly, relaxing a little is impossible, it's out of our control.

@BackpackingDad - I'm trying to think of a clever response to that, but failing. ;0)

@Hilary - Thank you.

@Rachel - Thanks for the well wishes, it's very much appreciated.

@Ed - true, at least we get to 'plug' ;-)

@tysdaddy - 'Hatch' hahaha. The situation sounds quite similar to me, unexplained.
Good to hear it worked out for you, I like to see real examples of success.

@Suze - Thanks, it's really nice to get well wishes, regardless.

@EmmaK - That may well be the strangest compliment I've ever received.

@Bettina - Thank you(s)!

@Quickroute - Well it better feckin sing soon or my head's gonna blow off...

@Immoral Matriarch - Shake your money maker...

@wpat - I'm guessing this is some US celebrity, as voted by the viewing public?

@Monique - That's a lovely thought, I'll just borrow some of yours!
Thank you.

@Shamelessly Sassy - I am afraid to ask, what does he call it?

@Nola - There's no getting off it nola, never, it's hold on until the puking starts or get flung into the dunes...

@A whole lot of nothing - who is this?

@Veronica - I know. I know you know lol. Hence the sneaky hope again.

@Jillian - wow, huge story you have there. Here in Holland they won't allow any more than 6 IUIs.
I have loads of questions, but I'll just go read you first to catch up.

@Missy M - There are always positive sides of course ;0)
But karma? can kiss my arse.

samcrea said...

X, forget about the end result, and enjoy the process, breeding is in your genes... It will happen!

frogpondsrock said...

Oh dear when you said that you couldn't "get off" all manner of sexual peculiarities flashed through my mind.. not least of which was an image of Yourself and ET stuck in a compromising yet not uncomfortable position...

B said...

That sounds extremely like an addiction.

What happened Clay Aiken? He was the little white boy that lost to the big black guy in american idol?

Calli's Mama said...

We'll keep hoping for you...by choice.

Angel said...

Somehow I knew you were feeling this. Even with all of us constantly telling you to "relax" and not to think about it... just enjoy a night together... blah-fucking-blah. I knew there's no off switch. Even if you had a spontaneous bang fest after a particularly romantic evening, it's still going to end in, "What if that did it?", isn't it.

It's excruciating, I know. And in ways, I think it's even moreso for you guys because you haven't been told you canNOT have a baby. So there's still hope in your hearts whether you want to feel it or not. (That last line of yours was one of the best I've ever read, by the way.)

Just know that when we say we're thinking of you and sending all the fertile positive thoughts we can muster, we really are.

Sully Sullivan said...

Hang in there and stay positive. People try for YEARS sometimes before finally making it work. If the doctors say everything looks fine, there's a chance you're just getting incredibly unlucky. Keep at it.

Geeks In Rome said...

yes, addiction. Just as "b" said. Like not being able to stop pulling the slot machine handle even though it keeps coming up lemons.
But what is it you get addicted to? hope? the suspense? (ha ha) or is it just a thrill-less blind habit now, "can't quit now cuz the next might be our lucky number..."

Kori said...

Well. I came, I read, I cried, 'nuff said. And hot damn, that freaking rhymes! Love you.

sltbee69 said...

Checking you out at Huckdoll's suggestion. While I have one child who will be 11 in 8 days, she truly was a miracle. I'm starting cycle 40 after my last miscarriage. I know what it's like to want to stop but you can't. For those who tell you to relax obviously haven't been where you are. It's not that simple nor that easy, especially when everyone around you are having babies. Just wanted to say that I hope your perseverance pays off and I'll be keeping you and your wife in my thoughts. (((HUGS)))

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Samcrea - I admire your blind optimism!

@frogpondsrock -that's a whole other post woman...

@B - an addiction indeed. nice to start off, not very good for you, and can't stop even when you know you should.

@Calli's Mama - now that's just a bloody sweet thing to say. Thank you.

@Angel - I often scratch my head a bit with comments and wonder did I explain myself properly or not.
I know I did this time, because you've 'gotten' it.
Thank you very much.
It's appreciated.

@Sully Sullivan - Years eh? way to make it seem better dude...!
This is true though, there IS an outside chance that this is down to luck. The worst fucking luck this side of a blind lesbian in a fish market, but luck nevertheless.

@Geeks in Rome - Thrill less blind habit, easy. This 'might' be the one. Or the next, or the next...

@Kori - Don't be going all soppy on me. Thanks.

@sltbee69 - Cycle 40? sweet adorable... How have you not gone insane? Throw in miscarriage, and the fact it's secondary infertility and I'm a bit bewildered.
Thanks, and the very very best of luck to you.

Captain Steve said...

Lack of control is awful. Here's hopin'.

Momo Fali said...

I'm so sorry. I can imagine you would lose hope, but try to hang in there.

Come on Spencer! Get your ass in gear, would ya?

womb for improvement said...

Good luck, you never know... keep your pecker up! (metaphorically as well as ...)

Dirty Laundry Diva said...

In my neck of the woods you can't have a baby unless you are a drain on society and are completely unprepared for parenthood. Perhaps that is where you have gone wrong...

I am pretty sure that is our issue...

anja said...

I'll get a pregnant witch to do something weird for you. :)

LceeL said...

I think I know a little of what you're going through. Just a little. We had a tough time getting pregnant the first time, too. We were lucky. Part of the testing process involved filling her uterus up with an inert gas - the test cured the problem - her tubes were filled with mucus and the gas blew out the mucus from her tubes. But like I said, we were lucky - but we were stressed out, too. I wish you the same kind of luck we had - that some lucky accident will open up things for you guys and you can get pregnant. Not YOU - her.

LceeL said...

I have no idea what 'mucus' is. She never had ANY of that shit in her tubes. It was MUCOUS.

Jenni said...

I've been meaning to visit you for like, forever, but Huckdoll kicked my butt into gear.

Infertility sucks. I spent two years in a fruitless (in many ways) marriage, and two years with my current love before we conceived.

The good thing is, once the floodgates opened, they've never shut. We're now expecting #5 in 6 1/2 years. Maybe the same will happen for you guys!

Maggie, Dammit said...

One day you will write a book of all this. And it will bring tremendous comfort to its readers, people who for the first time will have someone articulating the thoughts they couldn't. It sucks now, I know. But it's also a stunning gift.

Kelley said...

again with the making me feel your pain. Stop it you bastard. YOU are the reason I keep posting soppy stuff.

Hoping you reach the Golden Ring in this cycle..

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Captain Steve - Indeed it is sir, thanks.

@Momo Fali - Thank you.

@Womb for improvement - Cheers, it's all we can do I suppose.

@Dirty Laundy Diva - Well I'm a drain on humanity and bandwidth, if that counts at all?

@anja - That's no way to speak aobut Kelley.

@LceeL - I've heard that quite often actually, the test for blockage is often the treatment also.
Isn't Mucus like cuscus? Cheers man.

@Jenni - I have a gut feeling the same would happen actually, pop one, and never stop. Like pringles.
Thanks very much.

@Maggie, Dammit - Gift? I really don't know about that. Thank you regardless, for your kind and uber articulate words.

@Kelley - So I get the blame because you're going through the change?

baby~amore' said...

I am playing catchup before bedtime.
I have no idea what time it is in your neck of the woods.

Yes , the out of control feeling is the worse.The dreadful bittersweet anticipation.

Nothing is guaranteed but you have to hang in till the end of the ride.
Hope ,Believe , Love !

Big Momma Pimpalishisness said...

Hugs being sent in your direction. :/

Khyle said...

When we were going through our 'thing' it was the same type of deal. Our thing was miscarriages. But they happened at EXACTLY the same time. Time after time we'd go into the doc's office and hope. And nothing.

It was similar when we decided to adopt. There were several 'is the birthmom gonna choose us?' moments.

Hang in there. It's gonna turn out ok.

April said...

Oh man...I'm sending hopeful healthy FERTILE vibes to you and your spouse. My hubs and I have recently just BEGUN trying to conceive and I admit, that thought is there nagging at the back of my brain, that what if it doesn't work? So I can totally understand how hard it must feel for you both. I'm keeping my fingers crossed!!