Wednesday, 6 August 2008

The end is nigh

Dear Mr. World Health Organisation man person,

I've got some news for you. The planet is going to spin off of its own axis and plummet through space forever until it collides with something bigger and uglier than us and kills us all.

Why so?! I hear you cry in horror...

Babies.

Babies everywhere. Multiplying at rates invisible to the human eye.

I've been trotting around various cities in this part of the world over the past week with my visitors, Antwerp, Rotterdam, and the Hague and you couldn't swing a cat for fear of hitting a newborn smack in the chops.

Either 86% of the world's population is currently pregnant or there is a serious run on shoplifting bowling balls among the female species.

We even went to Amsterdam last weekend, for gay pride, you would think a poor infertile would find some peace there, but nooooooo. Bloody babies n'bellies as far as the eye could see.

In fact, at this rate of multiplication, I calculate that the world's resources should expire sometime later this week.

Now, let me take a minute to gash my wrists and grab the salt shaker. I've insanely and inanely rambled on before about how I believe we are being mocked by nature. Well, these little froggy horny green bastards were not satisfied in deafening us with their incessant copulation and production of masses of frog spawn, but now it seems that they are playing happy families too.

We are overrun by hundreds of baby frogs.

My warning to the mammy and daddy frogs? keep them out of my sight, or those feeble frogs could fall fowl to my crumbling grasp of reality.

I'm just days away from strapping a couple into a stroller with a couple of bonnets on their heads and taking them to the playground.

"Hi everyone, meet Kermit and Kermitta"

49 comments:

Jane G said...

Hey, you stole our baby name ;O)

Hilary (The Trying Game) said...

You're not wrong. There is a baby boom in this part of the world too. At first, I thought I was just noticing it because we were trying and/or pregnant. But my sources confirm that indeed, babies are everywhere these days and it's noticeable to everyone. You can't step outside in Vancouver without having to dodge at least 8 strollers. Not to mention all the celebrities having kiddos. Babies are very trendy now, I guess.

River said...

Yep, baby boom down here too. So many of my customers have either big bellies or newborns in prams or in one of those slings around the chest. Hopefully there's an abundance of babies waiting to be born and one will choose you two as parents.

Veronica said...

You could always use the baby frogs for fish bait...

Sinead said...

Now the frogs are mocking you? Do you not think you are being a small bit paranoid? :)

Anonymous said...

That is the hardest part isn't it? Seeing bloody babies everywhere. And fat preggo women waddling around. Almost makes you want to slap them, apart from the fact they are with child and it is illegal to slap strange people randomly. As my Ex Mother In Law also used to say, and I secretly used to punch her in the face in my mind at this one as well, PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE. Fuck patience, I used to say, give me a baby now asshole. Which is exactly where it feels like it is coming out of, funnily enough, while giving birth. All I can say is, hopefully you have been patient enough and luck is on your side very soon. The Tall Redhead

Tismee2 said...

But isn't it like cars? You never notice a lime green citroen Dolly until you get one and then it seems the whole world and his pet frog has one!

I have a link to a cyber puppy on my blog if yuo want one of those to while away the time?

Chaos said...

Well, I'm sure the frogs would turn some heads. I believe its getting a little ridiculous with the pregnancy boom. Don't these people have to work or something?

hockeyman said...

Wow, where did you find such a seductive picture of Kermit? Is that from your "private" collection?

Russ said...

If you can catch some of those little buggers, the frogs that is, they can be pretty tasty.

On the baby front, I guess it's kind of like when you get a new car and then notice that everyone else has the same car. Except for the rich folk who drive around in their high end German cars.

'That Girl' said...

LOL That's an excelent idea. Roll with the punches dude.

AnnD said...

I wish you weren't so freakin' funny sometimes! I just got the funniest picture of you strolling two frogs wearing bonnets around in a stroller, thinking: "I am finally a dad!" I was completely repulsed that I actually smiled at this because if you get past the humour, your pain is still ever-present. And I hate that you and ET have to go through this.

Sarah said...

Oh X!! Can I have a couple of your frog babies too? Pleeeeease? I'll be a good frog mommy I promise!

Marie said...

"swing a cat without hitting a newborn smack in the chops" - still laughing. :)

The universe IS mocking, my friend. It is a sarcastic brute.

Anonymous said...

I swear I am pissing myself laughing at your post. Just the image of the two frogs in baby bonnets!!!! brilliant.
Deno

Kori said...

I love you so much, I really do. Finding a way to deal with the pain is important and necessary. finding a way to deal with it using humor and sarcasm to mask (somewhat) the rage and the pain and fear is fan-fucking-tastic-I admire you. And when you do get thereal think? Fly to Idaho and I will make you and ET and Baby the hugest side of frog legs you have ever seen.

Kori said...

opps, I meant the real "thing."

Fate's Granddaughter said...

My advice - stay away from Ikea. I don't think they even let non-pregnant women in the store anymore. On a positive note, I don't think they allow frogs either.

Lilacspecs said...

Well, if you think about it...9 months ago was around the holidays and extra booze and warm fuzzy feelings and new years parties...I'm sure this time of year always has a higher birth rate...not to add any more salt to your wrists or anything.

Zoeyjane said...

Hmmm. Now, going off of Lilacspecs' comment and the whole licking toads practice (of yore), maybe you and the missus have just been too damn healthy. Seems as though getting completely waste, dropping acid and getting it on in an algae-covered pond might be the thing to do.

Of course, that's assuming you're not already doing that. And I've learned to make no assumptions.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Jane G - You KNOW you're not supposed to tell people the ones you want to use, they will always steal them.

@Hilary - Don't get me started on the celebrities...the twin brigade.

@River - Oh Jesus I hope it's not a selection process, we'll NEVER get one if it is!

@Veronica - Nom nom nom nom...

@Sinead - Check that previous post, they absolutely are! I'm not paranoid.
Now if you'll excuse me, my tinfoil hat needs adjusting.

@The Tall Red Head - It is definitely a very hard part. Especially at times when you are already low.
hahaha fuck patience...Thank you very much...

@Tismee2 - Only if it eats frogs.

@Chaos - Heads, AND stomachs I'd imagine...

@Hockeyman - what's the problem? can't appreciate a little amphibious erotica?

@Russ - Tasty yes, but too bloody small to bother. A frog as big as a cat, now that I could get my teeth into.

@That Girl - Oh I'm rolling... positively spinning!

@AnnD - You know me a little too well I reckon ;0)

@Sarah - Hmmm... we do have a lot of them. Could be a real business goer... If I could just get Brad & Angie to adopt a couple, as high profile froggy lovers, I'd be rolling in it!

@Marie - Oh I have no doubt about the universe's mockery!
I think it's what we get for wrecking the planet, global karma...

@Deno - Nice to see you here, hope all is going well.
Don't piss to hard though, ok!

@Kori - Stop, you'll
get me all soft and wussy again.
Thank you, honestly.

@Fate's Granddaughter - Ah yes, in preparation for the new nurseries so they are.

Thankfully, I'd rather chew my own eyeballs than go to Ikea even under normal circumstances.

@Lilacspecs - Oh yes I do indeed remember that, we got fucked over on Xmas day by the red bitch too...

@Zoeyjane - we are an acceptable level of healthy and unhealthy... Pizza and booze on occasion, although my poor brain couldn't handle acid I reckon.
Fizz, pop, whizz... would be heard.

Putz said...

in amsterdam, i walked down that canal street and bought some indian curry, first time for that 45 years ago, and nappy is there a place where there is a sign, plack, that says here a little boy stuck his thumb in the dike and saved all the peolpe of amsterdam...i rememeber wandering alone and coming across a lot of still water which had me worried since there was a dike and i wondered if the dike wasn't doing the job and swear i saw the memorial, but everyone says i was CRAZY...THAT THER IS NO SUCH PLACE

iVegasFamily said...

Among our friends here in Vegas there are 17 couples all expecting a baby this year and we're one of them. So perhaps you're right, there is some kind of baby boom going on these days. I can't wait for the day when you join our baby booming club.

Christa said...

I think us in the 14% need to start a war.

Erika said...

Sometimes, I swear to God that the elementary school where Jenn's a counselor is really a baby factory. Currently, there are like seven pregnant teachers and four teachers who gave birth in the last two months.

D said...

I love that even in your angst - you are humerous. I sure wish I had a magic wand to make everyone's troubles go away and grant wishes to those who soo soo deserve them. There is something extra shitty about the fact that randoms who should not be reproducing can without thinking about it and those who so desperately want to and deserve to be parents end up taking a bit longer than they had hoped. You'll get there - I'm sure of it!

Jenni said...

You know, I've always wondered what the femininize version of "Kermit" was.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the welcome Xbox, I have been stalking you for a while. Had to respond to this post though, ye had me in stitches.
I needed a good laugh.
Deno

nh said...

Are you sure it's not 94% currently pregnant (or just had one) - no, obviously just where I live then! Hope you get a break from the babies and the frogs - but if you decide to start having them adopted out, I'm sure I would make a good frog mummy!

CDE said...

This one had me laughing out loud a lot this morning. Babies everywhere indeed. And frogs? Et tu, Kermit?

womb for improvement said...

That's sperm in your header not tadpoles, right?!

Quickroute said...

ah so the plethora of women over there have beer bellies too ;-)

nutsinmay said...

I was counting bellies on my way home from work today. And slings and buggies and argh argh argh puppies, puppies on leashes. Baby everything.

So I got home and fired up the computer and electrocuted a Sim. I feel so much better.

Irish Diaspora said...

You are definitely onto something.

To add insult to injury people are having more kids per capita. Was reading the other week that three is the new 2.1; and some are even having four! *ducks for cover*

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Putz - you are correct, there is a 'little boy' tribute. I will look up it's exact location and let you know.

@iVegasFamily - 17? that's just ridiculous!

@Christa - At least we can run!

@Erika - Maybe kids give off kiddy creating vibes? I might join the bear cubs.

@D - I really don't want to slam those who do have kids, as much as I get frustrated at times.
Thanks for your kinds words, very generous.

@Jenni - Also, Kermilla is used...

@Deno - Glad you got the laugh, hope all is well.

@nh - Nope, it's definitely 84%, you gotta account for us men remember!

@CDE - I must try to get a pic or two of them, but they are seriously tiny buggers.
Glad to provide a laugh.

@Womb for improvement - you could be onto something...

@Quickroute - The Dutch birds can hold their lager!

@nutsinmay - I did the same, except it was a crow with an air rifle.

@Irish Diaspora - I'd take four :-(

kittyconcerto.com said...

that's it! I've stolen a bowling ball! Well at this point its a bowling ball for those frogs of yours. But a bowling ball nonetheless.

Shamelessly Sassy said...

I love baby frogs.

Immoral Matriarch said...

I like toads better. :D

Widdle Shamrock said...

OMG, I so hear you.

When our son first died, we kept bumping into twins EVERYWHERE !!!!!

It's like someone is trying to rub your nose in it.

UGH !!!!

James Austin said...

Do not visit the states anytime soon, because it has to be even worse here from what we have seen. Here's hoping you are contributing to the decline soon enough.

Dorky Dad said...

I think you're onto something. I was at my neighborhood party and like 40 percent of the women there were pregnant. Dang. The government should do something.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Kittyconcerto - I hope it comes out biting with a full set of teeth...

@Shamelessly Sassy - Me too, but you need LOADS to make a really good sandwich.

@Immoral Matriarch - A Horny toad no doubt...?

@Widdle Shamrock - They always appear just at the wrong time don't they, just at the moment when you are that little bit vunerable.

@James Austin - That rules out a vacation there next month then... to the city that shares your name!

@DorkyDad - I'd believe it no problem...unless there were only 2 women...

River said...

Just found out today that even my next door neighbour is pregnant. Her carport has empty flat-pack cartons labelled crib,change table..and I can see a pram through her window.

Sorry.

Hey, new layout for your comments..

Dondi Tiples said...

I'd have thought maybe bunnies(?) instead of froggies, but then you'd have to let go of Kermit and Kermitta. Shame.

Such an effing world it is, where poor third world mommies are birthing every year because the daddies can't afford vasectomy or even birth control, and here you and ET are ready to offer your offspring all the luxuries and opportunities of the first-world...alas.

conortje said...

I'm just baffled that you took a visitor to The Hague. Had you run out of absolutely anything else to do? :-)

jothemama said...

I understand about the babies. But as fertility symbols, the frogs are a good things.

Maybe you should try making luuurve down by the frogpond.

STE said...

Babies EVERYWHERE. Love the Kermit and Kermitta.

Cindy and Brian said...

You're right, they're everywhere. When we were going through our fertility mess, I felt like there were babies everywhere I turned, MOCKING my lame ovaries. After a few years I was like, ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? They seemed to be falling from the sky for everyone but us. Anyhow, we finally got our happy ending and I am hoping that you get yours very soon :)

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@River - yeah the inline comment thingy was causing some non-blogger people trouble, so I've gone back to the old version for now.

@Dondi Tiples - Alas, indeed.

@Conortje - I hate the place, AND Rotterdam, two stinking holes of towns.

@Jothemama - Knowing our luck, one of us would drown.

@STE - EVERYWHERE and then some.

@Cindy & Brian - Thanks! and welcome...