Sunday, 3 August 2008

From the bunker

I'm hidden away, in the depths of secrecy, away from our visitors.

I'm posting this via morse code, so forgive me if it comes out wrong.

As it happens, the codes for 'Oh! what a lovely day we are having' and 'I want to smash my own face into this conveniently placed wall' are quite similar.

Similarly thin is the situation's reality which seems to also be one or the other, depending on which side of my cranial cavity you have access to.

We are over half way through the visit.

No embarrassing discoveries and no awkward questions - yet.

It seems though, that it is definitely baby harvest season. Everywhere I turn, there is another one riding shoulders, or waddling it's nappy padded arse alongside, or just generally oozing cuteness from itself and fucking gut turning jealousy from me.

Writing this is like successfully finding that vein, pushing the plunger, and having a rush of relief serum pump through my bloodstream.

Until Wednesday, when I think I will be able to stop holding my breath again, it brings a slight reprieve.

Shhh...I hear footsteps...

I managed to check back on the comments left to the last entry a few times over the last few days and the response was spectacular and flattering. Thank you all for your kind words.

53 comments:

Marie said...

I won't send you hugs, though the sentiment is there. Perhaps this is a day where a hugger might get slugged. :)

I have to tell you something my stepson said to me the other day. He was asking when we were going to have a baby. Because it was in the middle of a conversation about cats, I though he meant a kitten. "No no," says he, "the kind you put in your tummy." (Future Hannibal Lecter, haha). I told him that I don't know when that will happen. He says, with a little shrug, "Well, maybe God's all out of babies right now."

Yes, maybe there's been a run elsewhere in the world. Maybe that's it. Rain check?

Immoral Matriarch said...

Be safe. Be well. Be as hopeful as possible.

Maggie, Dammit said...

This is why I wish the people who knew me in real life didn't read my blog. I would love to just rant like this when I have house guests.... So, at least there's that? Freedom in the bunker?

Ah, fuck it. I'm sorry you're having a bad time. :(

Huckdoll said...

You're right about baby harvesting season.

I can't walk a city block without dodging several pregnant bellies and dozens of shiny happy families. It's hard to swallow, even for me and my own issues. My heart goes out to you.

PS. You've been missed!

Kate said...

I never knew that the world was FULL of pregnant people until we started trying. It's like an invasion.

Ruby said...

Having poked around many TTC boards and some blogs over the last couple of years, it's very refreshing to hear a male perspective on TTC, and one that is so honest and articulate. It's just not something men talk about. My brother has confided in me about him and his partner's struggle to conceive and I know he feels that he can't talk to other male friends about it. I'll be pointing him this way... best of luck with your ongoing journey.
R

Jenni said...

yay, a post! the internets gets boring without you.

May said...

Captain! One of our agents deep in Everything's-Fine-Land has got a message through! Yes, it's Agent Xbox! He's still hanging on in there, his cover has not, repeat not, been blown!

Tismee2 said...

We did away with visitors by putting a load of computer stuff in the spare room and selling the bed. Now we just say we'd love to have you but we don't have a spare bed. I hate people in my house for longer than a takeaway and a few beers.
Good Luck

STE said...

Babies *Everywhere*! Dammit.

Glad you have survived, so far. Thanks for keeping in touch.

Half-way there. We're rooting for you.

jothemama said...

I'm jumping in now before the comments reach a hundred :)

My godmother's line about houseguests is most apt - like fish, they begin to smell after two days...

Chaos said...

Halfway there. Always looking for a view from the front.

A Whole Lot of Nothing said...

Cheer up, old man. And keep writing.

hockeyman said...

tick...tick...tick...beep...beep...the FAT man is wearing a YELLOW tie....repeat...FAT man in YELLOW tie...beep...beep...tick....tick

Widdle Shamrock said...

I was thinking about you in the shower this morning, (God, not meant to sound dodgy)I thought to myself 8 more months and then someone will do something for you. Then I realised if they only would do something NOW, then in 8 months time, you would have had the baby you so desperately long for.

I don't know how you haven't gone postal.

Rachel said...

I got nothing. Miss your comments and your 'shining' snarkiness.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Captain Steve said...

Ahh, Morse code. Savior of all covert ops, especially when possibly embarassing situations could arise. T minus 3 days and counting.

James Austin said...

Sorry, my Morse Code is a bit rusty. Let me guess, though. Your visitors are driving you a bit nuts, epecially having to conceal your misery given your present 'situation'. Your present situation also seems especially grating given how incredibally peachy everyone else seems to be.

If I am getting that anywhere close to correct, that really blows. Will be waiting for the next coded update with breath held.

sarah said...

Well done with the morse code! very impressive!

karmental said...

I never knew someone could type in a "whisper" but you pulled it off MAGNIFICENTLY! Sorry... was that too loud?
I take back what I said about everything you write making me laugh. Your last few posts have been gut wrenching for me as I can so relate to the despair and jealousy. I HATED (sorry so loud again) seeing the teenage skanky mothers with their babies all over the place.
Worse yet is when people complain about their pregnancies or some little annoyance and all you want to do is grab their empty little heads and scream into their face, "I'D DEAL WITH YOUR PROBLEMS IN A HEARTBEAT AND WOULD LOVE EVERY MINUTE OF IT!"
Here's a question for you though - can you find a different specialist and tell them you've been trying a year longer than you have? I told a friend to do that and sure enough, they got all sorts of tests run and got intervention quickly.
I'm sending positive thoughts and wishes your way! Quietly, of course...

Love said...

Breathing is a good start, haha.

"Breath in through your nose. Out through your mouth". See you are starting to feel the pressure release already.

Country Girl said...

That baby was just waiting till your visitors left. Maybe he/she will come during the next cycle once they've gone.

Lilacspecs said...

Hang in there hun.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Marie - Thanks!

Nice answer, but to be honest, me & god don't get along, so if he's totally in charge of that, then I might as well give up now!

@Immoral Matriarch - Your longest comment in months ;0)
thank you.

@Maggie, Dammit - Well, honestly, it's not a rant against the visitors, it's the situation.
They deserve a better host to be honest.

Thanks.

@Huckdoll - Ah yes, the 'happy families'...not easy to take.
Take care you.

@Kate - It MUST be just a perception issue, otherwise the planet is gonna be overcrowded in about 6 months!

@Ruby - I know from personal experience that there is almost nothing for guys around.
He's more than welcome to have a look here and see that all the shitty stuff, it happens everyone.
Thanks!

@Jenni - Aww bless, sweet.

@May - Oh god, dont say 'blown'... that's a whole other loss... ;0)

@Tismee2 - I'm thinking of just living out of my car.

@STE - EVERYWHERE!!!! thank you, I appreciate that.

@jothemama - yeah, what was with the 90 something comments? nuts, absolutely nuts.

@Chaos - True, although a rear view can be ok too ;0)

@A whole lot of nothing - meh...!

@hockeyman - I think you've just given the go ahead for the Germans to move on Austria...

@Widdle Shamrock - thanks for cheering me up there!
I get the shivers when I do the time calculations myself.

It's very disheartening.

@Rachel - Like Arnie, I'll be back. Thank you.

@Captain Steve - 48 hours now...

@Sarah - A clever bunch us infertiles!

@Karmental - The thing is, if we go elsewhere (again) they will either want our existing records which are dated, or if we don't give them, they will start all the testing from the very basics again, which would take just as long to get through again.
Thanks!

@Love - That sounds like a birthing class instruction...oh you're so heartless...

@Country Girl - Nice idea, having said that, we have more visitors at the end of this month too...
But I hope you're right.

@lilacspecs - Thanks! trying, heading down your way later this morning actually!

Veronica said...

Don't talk anymore! They might find you...

River said...

Kiss, cuddle, hug, tell stories to, rock to sleep every one of those babies. Maybe the powers that be will see how good a father you will be and send you one of your own.

Sinead said...

Hopefully there have been some moments where you have genuinely been grateful for the company. It can't all be that bad can it?

frogpondsrock said...

Shhhhh!!!! I am whispering this (I put a cloth over the keypad to quiet it down)

hurry back ,... we are missing you

dot dot dottity dot

Kelley said...

Dude, like totally miss your snarly face.

Awesome, awesome, awesome, awesome, awesome.

Hoping to make you tiny little head explode.

Contemplating emailing you every 5 minutes just to tell you how freaking awesome I am. Just so you don't forget, like.

Kori said...

I think I heard your morse code all the way over here-and I am pretty sure it was the bashing the head thing, they don't sound at all similar. Just a few more days-you can do it.

Putz said...

i am finally starting to REALLY FOR ACTUAL FACT to feel sorry for you...you finally got to me...damn your skill in writing

Momo Fali said...

Please don't smash your head in. It's great blog material, but who would write it?

Sarah said...

"As it happens, the codes for 'Oh! what a lovely day we are having' and 'I want to smash my own face into this conveniently placed wall' are quite similar."


Ohhhhhh, that explains SO much.

Hope all goes well from here on out...

Chin up. and other such positive type sayings.

iVegasFamily said...

They're probably waiting to spring the questions on you right before they leave. At least they weren't brought up promply upon arrival. Please don't smash your head against the wall. Braces, neckbrace and a broken nose don't go well together.

Quickroute said...

Click your heels together and count to ten - Let them be gone! The wicked witch n' all!

Nola said...

Hang in! You are sooooo close!

IEAT_SNOWMANPOOP said...

least it's almost over.

BusyDad said...

I drink a little more now because of you. Don't worry, in BD speak, that means I'm rooting for you. Still. More than ever.

Anja said...

Get your hand off it and stop fantasizing about Back Packing Dads. Hot piece of ass, maybe... but tissue splatter is not the destination for the baby batter.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Veronica - Typing with gloves on

@River - Are you suggesting kidnapping?

@Sinead - This is a tough one. They are two totally separate areas in my brain at the moment, I love having them around, but the other side is too prominent at the moment, and makes me not appreciate their company.
I know I've been a lousy host, I just hope when or if they ever read this they understand why.
Also, if it hadn't fallen this week, it may have been different.

@Frogpondsrock - Awwwww.

@Kelley - Oh don't make me ill.

@Kori - Yeah, nearly there.

@Putz - Finally! that's very flattering Putz, rubbish, but flattering.

@Momo Fali - I haven't thought this through fully...

@Sarah - Chip up? hahaha that's a new one!

@iVegasFamily - I'm actually getting a 'don't ask' vibe from them....hmmm

@Quickroute - We're not in Kansas now, er Quickroute...

@Nola - as the saying goes, so near, and yet...

@Snowmanpoop - ...almost... ;0)

@BusyDad - Thanks, it's appreciated, btw...I'm getting good at picking up on that code, like a sixth sense...

@Anja - That my dear, is gross...

River said...

Kidnapping? Not at all. I would never plant such an idea in anyone's head. Just saying that maybe the baby vibes will come to you through some sort of cuddling osmosis.

'That Girl' said...

I'll bet that is hard,..the babies around. I just hate that y'all are having so much trouble with this. It must be so hard on you individually and on the relationship. Try to keep your chin up.

B said...

We've a dog thats a complete coward.
Anyways some visitors came to the house and I was the only person here. I was in the hall at the time so I wound up hiding behind the front door... while hiding there, I see from one window that the dog's hiding behind the door of his house too.

Cornwall sounds a lot better now eh?

Horse Chick said...

less than 24 hours to go....maybe Aunt Flo will leave with them! I hope the end of the month visitors bring you and ET better luck with the next cycle.
And as for all of those pregnant or new parent couples....I can understnad your pain (from abit different perspective) I remember when I still held out hope for a child of my own (my step kids are really nice people) sitting in the OB/GYN ofc for my yearly exam, wondering how the hell I ALWAYS got my appt scheduled on the day all the new Mom's and infants were there. Then the door slammed forever at 39 with breast cancer/chemo/radiation treatments.
The difference between us, is you guys keep getting slapped in the head with the obvious all around you, all the time; and YOU AND ET BOTH REALLY WANT A BABY AND YOU BOTH DESERVE ONE NOW!!!!!!! sorry for shouting...I just hate what you guys are going through....my healthy, positive, baby making thoughts are with you guys always.

Jane G said...

I'm having visions of you in army fatigues with a tin hat on your head and your face covered in cow shite. Only one more day til you wave them off....hang in there.

kittyconcerto.com said...

Ok I just tried to leave a comment and I was denied! Bugger. Anyhoo, I wanted to let you know that I have awarded you some blogg'n love and spread some of my fertility dust on it, so please come over to my place and collect your prize. (that sounds way naughtier than I meant it). Good luck with your house guests. I have had to quickly hide our pregnancy books and pills and whatnot and nearly got caught the other day!

Missives From Suburbia said...

I'd make a comment here about the whites of their eyes, but I've used that line before.

Sarah said...

ChiN not chiP......wait...lemme check. No, no I def wrote chin. lol. But hey, if Chip up made ya smile, then I'm gonna go with that from now on!

Chip up!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@River - I know what you meant, don't worry! I won't go sprog snatching just yet.

@That Girl - It CAN be, especially at a bad time of the month, you just don't want to see it.
Thanks.

@B - Random, funny, but random.

@Horse Chick - You know, it's nice to have someone shout on our behalf for a bit, we get tired of ranting so it nice of you to take over!

@Jane G - In the home straight!

@KittyConcerto - It's like being James Bond for a while isn't it, this double life.
I've visited, you are very very kind, thank you.

@Missives from suburbia - All their eyes are bloodshot!

@Sarah -Never mind, me going blind, or insane, or a combination!
Chip up indeed!

Horse Chick said...

xbox,
I'll shout for ya'll anytime, just let me know....

B said...

Not random, they were visitors... actually yeah it was kinda random but all my comments are and work more as an idea generator than anything else I find.

IVF Land on Surrogacy World said...

I know what that 2ww is like. I have been in the IVF world long enough that I have started a blog. So you can through in another guys hat in the ring in terms of telling the guys. side. My story is about Surrogacy.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Horse Chick - Too sweet. Thank you.

@B - You are an inspiration, a commenting muse, as it were!

@IVF Land on Surrogacy World - Welcome, and thanks. I will be checking you out.