Saturday, 20 September 2008

Pressing play

I've managed to accept that this whole sorry mess is a long sequence of short waiting periods, sewn together.

You wait for the red menace to arrive, for it to sail away, you wait for the 'right' days, and you wait the next two weeks for disappointment. You wait all over again.

You wait for doctors appointments. You wait for scans, you wait for blood tests, you wait for results.

You wait for poking and prodding, both medical and 'romantic'.

You even wait to have a hand shandy into a cup. You wait for the results.

You wait to be told to do all of it all over again.

You wait to be called back, at three, at four, at five. Maybe tomorrow.

You wait.

'Maybe we should wait and see what happens next month.'

'Perhaps we should wait until we've met with the doctor again.'

'We can't really decide now, you could 6/7/8 months pregnant by then.'

For eighteen months we have waited. For a year and a half we have put things on hold, things that should be done have been left on the back burner.

Two lives, on pause.

We find ourselves still waiting, even now after the eighteenth failed cycle has come and gone.

It's September, we are sitting at home, on our 'vacation'.

On pause.

Enough is enough, we can't always sit and wait for the life we want to arrive. We have to try and live our lives, even if they are not the ones we hoped for.

There will be enough waiting lying in wait for us in the coming months.

So tomorrow, passports in hand, we are taking some cards and cash, and just going. Going somewhere we had never even thought of going two days ago.

Living, if only for a week.

I'm scrambling for the remote control, pointing it at us, and pressing hard.
Slapping it, and shaking it with frustration until it works.

For once, pressing play.


63 comments:

Breigh (Canadutch) said...

Good for you! I'm sure the break will do you both a world of good :) Where are ya going?!

River said...

Good for you. A holiday is just what you need. And who knows, a different environment with relaxation might just recharge Spencers batteries....

Cindy (and Brian) said...

The waiting and putting everything on hold, ugh. I totally relate to this and I am so sorry. I know its something that slowly drains the life out of you. You spend all this time planning something that may or may not happen, all the while not allowing yourself to do other things becase JUST WHAT IF this is the one?!?! And then another cycle goes by and the calendar keeps moving. AAGH! I held off planning a Vegas vacation with my sister for TWO YEARS and then finally said F*CK IT! OF COURSE, when we finally went, I was 6 weeks pregnant and starting morning sickness. Figures.
I hope you have a really great time and are able to enjoy every moment away.

womb for improvement said...

You know how well I can relate to this! Have a great break.

Deeleea said...

Sounds like a bloody good idea to me. Have a fabulous break.

mrinz said...

Yes - life is for living! Give it heaps.

Penelope said...

What a brilliant plan! I know it won't change the *big* situation but a little time out for you both sounds just perfect. Have some FUN!!

Jenni said...

I hope your impromptu vacation provieds the relief you both need. Have fun!

RobMonroe said...

Here's hoping that your time away is fruitful for your sanity and relationship, and you come back rested and relaxed.

Safe travels, friend.

Sarah said...

Good for you guys! Have a fantastic break!

Hugs!

Bluestreak said...

Damn that was a good post, Xbox.

I think I hate waiting more than anything else in life. Even more than pain. But waiting in pain is the worst shit ever.

I wait too and understand the feeling of not wanting to make any plans because by then...who knows?...although I´m waiting for different things than you (for now, the prospect of home-ownership, and then later kids, but my life is completely on pause too).

I think your plan is the best possible idea. GO SOMEWHERE. Sometimes you just need to get out of the environment where all the frustration and letdown is tied and to go where it´s clean and free from the foiling.

Leslie Laine said...

Go now, while you can! I always try to remember that someday we won't be this mobile, and we might as well take advantage of it now. Some of our greatest moments together as a couple have happened during this "waiting period". Someday, I know I'll be grateful.

Have a wonderful holiday.

Tanya said...

fantastic idea and good luck!

Marie said...

! Play! Play!

I'm so sorry about #18. My heart hurts for you.

But go play. Love each other and love life. I'm glad you're not waiting.

(I know what you mean though - not being able to plan more than 6 months ahead because, well, what if?)

morninglight mama said...

Yea for play! Have a fantastic time together!

jothemama said...

Excellent! Enjoy your break. REally, try and take a break. Live like people who aren't trying to get pregnant for a bit!

Queue for nothing!

Jill said...

So glad to hear you're getting out of dodge. You both need to clear your heads and not deal with the BS if even for a week...

You coming near my way?

DD said...

As trite as it may sound, Life is too short...except of course when you count out 18 cycles that have come and gone. Do not put your life on hold. Regret is a splinter not easily removed.

Laurie said...

Build it, and he will come.

A Whole Lot of Nothing said...

Have fun, you crazy kids!

SciFi Dad said...

Enjoy your break. I'm sure it will be great for the both of you. Have fun.

ladyshanae said...

You are doing the right thing. Life is rarely, if ever, what we plan it to be. If we sit around being depressed about it, we aren't living. And it takes time to realize that. At one point, hubby and I sat down and made a pros/cons list about our situation and focused on the pros - all the things we were able to go and do, the money we saved, the independence and freedom we had . . . sure, they are small things in comparison to what we really wanted, but we had to stop focusing on the negative at some point. Did we stop trying all together? No. We just had to refocus. Doesn't mean we were all of a sudden happy-go-lucky all the time, but it did help. And I hope this is the first step towards that for both of you! However, I'll still be hoping and praying that things will turn in your favor soon. *hugs*

Mrs4444 said...

Go. Have fun. When you come back, check out this blog (if you don't already know her) http://reallybadhairday.blogspot.com/feeds/posts/default

She's hilarious, but she's a mom who has struggled with infertility for years and is currently wildly happy over a brand new baby boy that unexpectedly fell into her and her husband's arms last week. Read a happy ending story...

James Austin said...

Take that trip now because once you are expecting it becomes a whole lot more difficult!

Relax, just do it...

The Microblogologist said...

Have a wonderful vacation. And I say make all kinds of plans that you can gleefully cancel if needed when the bun is in the oven!

Thanks for representing the Netherlands on my blog =)!

bsouth said...

Good for you. I hope you have a good time. Don't be too long though - I'll miss you!

B said...

Enjoy the break xbox!

nola said...

Have a wonderful vacation!! Glad we are stepping away at the same time. Feels safe :)

TW said...

And about time! :)

Have an absolutely fabulous CAREFREE,spontaneous time on holiday. That's an order!

zakary said...

Delurking to say have a nice trip.

It will happen for you. I know it.

Tismee2 said...

Disneyland? Digger land? Ibiza? Pareee? Wherever, have a great time and don't forget we'd love some photos. No uglies or fuglies tho.

maggie's mind said...

I'm glad you are stepping back, if only for a bit, for a little breather. Live is *way* too short to live permanently on pause. Enjoy!

THopgood said...

Have a fantastic time!

Kelley said...

Dude, I need a little more warning you are coming than a blog post.

Need to hide the pole dance pole and the midgets.

Buy me a present.

Lisa D said...

de-lurking to say - good for you. You need some time away to recharge for when it WILL happen for you.

Amy said...

Damn. Another one gone.
A holiday is a brilliant idea. Do something CRAZY. I love the pressing 'play' image. Knock yourselves out! And may it heal your hearts a little.

Maggie, Dammit said...

YAY! Press the shit out of that play button, friend. Play play play.

Enjoy. Rest. Don't think. Play.

And if your passport ever brings you here I will learn to do a backflip and then do it right in front of you. That's a promise.

Breigh (Canadutch) said...

I know you are on holiday, but you can see this when you get back:

I’m here because I LOVE YOUR BLOG! :) I had to choose 7 people to give the award to and you are one of them. I’d link you but I’ll probably end up in your spam so just visit my site to see it.

Jo Beaufoix said...

Have a wicked time you two. It is definitely time to play.

Sue said...

Glad to see you "living," doing something to enjoy yourself. It's so easy to get caught up with the stop and go of infertility. Hope it's a good week.

Tara R. said...

This is very good. Get away and have a wonderful time.

Quickroute said...

Just what the Doctor ordered - have a blast!

Big Momma Pimpalishisness said...

Hope you're having a good time.

Veronica said...

The waiting is the hardest bit.

Hope you found somewhere lovely and are having a ball!

Chuck said...

That was great to read. A deserved beak to say the least. Enjoy it!

Ed (zoesdad) said...

Sweet! Play hard, you guys deserve it.

Chaos said...

Good for you. Time away from the constant struggle. Have fun, where ever your going.

Lyssa Ireland Thomas said...

I hope it gives you two a chance to catch your breath. You deserve a vacation.

Susanica said...

So you didn't run a competition so that all of your groupies here could compete to convince you to come visit us? Hmmmph!

DC is lovely at this time of year. And the Euro is very strong on this side of the ocean as I understand ;-) -Monica

Christa said...

Fuck yeah Xbox!! You and ET deserve it. Go away, go play, go think of the two of you.

Press play!! Press the fuck out of it!!

(Saturday was doom day for me, I assuming it was for you as well? Guess we are cycle buds once again)

Christi said...

Have a fantastic vacation!

Stella said...

rockin.

live it up ;-)

iVegasFamily said...

This is exactly what you need. Enjoy!

Kathryn said...

Have an excellent get-a-way!!!! Go ride some roller coasters, rent a convertible and ride like the wind!

loveyh said...

Take a break, have some fun. Just make hotel reservations in advance this time. :)

Best of luck and take lots of pictures!

Missives From Suburbia said...

Umm... since I've already read ahead and saw the part about no toilet and a bed bug, I'm a little sorry to hear you've gone. I hope the trip picks up.

Kori said...

Another beginning; good trip, man, all the way around.

Karen MEG said...

This is exactly what you two need... so well deserved. You know that I've been there and I am so glad that you're doing this.

Have an absolutely bitchin' time, and don't forget to have fun, will ya?

Because there will come a day, I guarantee, when you will wonder why you didn't do this more often when you didn't have to worry about babysitters ;).

Dto3 said...

All I could think about with your "hand shandy in a cup" comment were the self-inflicted rope burns I suffered in the specimen rooms. Talk about performance anxiety. OUCH!

Kat said...

How is it that I don't come here and read you often? What is the matter with me? Loving your blog. Hoping you have/had a lot of carefree pointless sex (with each other), wherever you go.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Everyone...

Thanks folks. It was just what the doctor didn't order!

IrishNYC said...

Someone just passed your blog on to me... I hear you on the not waiting for life. We've been at it for 40+ cycles, and I'm done with being on pause. We plan vacations. If we have to cancel for a procedure, we do, if it's for an early scan/blood test, or a pregnancy test, they can wait. I'm done being on pause. Life is to live!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@IrishNYC - Hi, welcome.
Yes, there comes a point doesn't there.
I know we will slip back into the waiting and putting things on hold, but for this one time, it was nice.

40 months? wow. best of luck to you.