Monday, 8 September 2008

The bushel and the camel's back

Do you ever sit and think to yourself that maybe you've 'lost it'?

Could you tell if you went nuts?

Batty? mental? insane? demented? psycho?

What kind of thing should you look out for in order to cut off the crazies at the pass?

For instance, what if you knew the waking body temperature of another human being off the top of your head for the past week or so?

I can't remember what we ate for dinner two nights ago, I'm pretty sure my doctor hasn't got the foggiest idea what state my blood pressure is in, yet I know the scientific measure of my wife's basal body temperature to one hundredth of a degree for the past bloody week.

Not healthy. The knowledge that is, not the temperature.

Would using the term 'egg white consistency' and not being just about to tuck into scrambled eggs on toast be a sign?

I mean, it would certainly shut that Scottish git from Hell's Kitchen up if you referred to his mayonnaise as having the appearance of cervical mucous.

I said appearance, not taste. That's next month.

Frankly, any male who even knows the term cervical mucous should probably be sectioned for the sake of the community.

What about keeping a note of which ovary is on shift this month?

Is knowing that Olive (on the left) or Olga (on the right) is on duty this cycle going too far? What difference will it make knowing what waterslide Ellie shoots down, aside from confirming that you may need a holiday?

The fact that I know it's Olga is irrelevant anyway, Spencer still has to get past Cindy the cervix to meet her.

Maybe, just maybe, (and I'm not a fan of this theory,) but maybe giving first names to ovaries, eggs, semen and a cervix is a sign that things have already taken a surreal turn.

Maybe, just maybe, the fact that I have a long list, from which I can't decide on names for the Spencer sprouting testicle twins, is going one step too far.

Probably, calling them Tommy and Timmy, is my last grasp at a sanity straw.

That poor f*&^ing camel.

EDIT: It has come to my attention that this site is the top google entry returned for 'hiding a body'. How cool is that.



62 comments:

Rikki said...

You haven't lost it. You are just overly-educated on all things conception. Don't put yourself in a padded room just yet! ;)

Here till the end.

Ed (zoesdad) said...

If it's all the same to you, I'd prefer we be left out of the loop during next month's taste test.

jothemama said...

hmm, Tommy and Timmy the testicle twins remind me of a athread on Rollercoaster about what children should be taught to call their genitals. There was an alarming amaount of nonsense, but one woman said she had known a posh toddler who'd referred to his genitais as 'Bertie and the Twins'. It was doubly hilarious at the time as Bertie Ahern had just become a grandfather to who was it? Rocco and someone. Now, that's madness.

Tigger said...

The fact that you are worried about being crazy is, in fact, an indicator that you are not. Crazy people do not realize they are crazy, nor are they concerned that they might be. Therefore, you are fine. :)

My husband once shocked all his female coworkers by jumping into a conversation about cycles and actually showing a few of them up - and he didn't know half of what you did. Just think of it as a party trick to impress the girls...without getting in trouble with your wife! (trying to find a silver lining for you...)

Fate's Granddaughter said...

I second Tigger. I think I would be more concerned if you were were not thinking about all of these things all the time. I have worked with crazy - and you do not seem crazy.

Just fed up.

Russ said...

Damn, I haven't been naming body parts since junior high.

I agree with Ed, you can keep the taste-test to yourself. (Lest the "Scottish-git" come and tell you why you are wrong using colorful language.)

Misssy M said...

(Gingerly puts jar of Hellmans back into fridge untouched..)

Horse Chick said...

Actually those jackets with the cool wrap around sleeves can be quite comforting to you and those around you! Sure wouldn't want to see you hurt one of the Croc Docs...even if they sorely need a good flogging!!
Nothing wrong with making "the parts" memebers of the family by giving them names. Just think, later when your baby is here and old enough not to be totally grossed out, you guys can tell he/she about the rest of the family...ok maybe not...after re-reading this I believe I need one of those cute jackets.....
anyway, I'll be on the crazy camel ride with ya dude!!!

iVegasFamily said...

You're not crazy...yet. But if you get into taste tests you can wear the label with pride.

Fe said...

From one who has truly lost it..... I think you're still on the safe side of that fine white line. I do reserve the right to change my opinion if I have to suffer the results of that taste test though.

Jenni said...

Before I even fished reading your post I said to myself, "Naming your wife's reproductive organs is probably grounds for commitment."

And I LOVE the name Olive. Good choice.

Quickroute said...

Thanks - that's egg mayo sandwiches off my menu likes for good

Chaos said...

The taste test may push you into the crazy section of the game. But right now your just middle of the road. Timmy and Tommy the testicle twins rocks on the naming front.

B said...

I'm after learning a whole load from just reading this post.

Are they always called the Olive, the Olga, etc? or just oneself's?

Captain Steve said...

You've gone 'round the bend, friend. But really, you have to wonder, how close were you originally to the crazy?

Insane Mama said...

Knowing your wifes basal temp... HAHA I know you are trying to conceive, and I sincerly wish you luck. But I am cracking up over this

'That Girl' said...

YOu're so funny. I'm so proud that a man somewhere can say the term cervical mucous without getting that "Oh God, I'm-puking-in-my-mouth-right-now" look that Mr. Mustang got when I tried to explain the "birthing" process.

Mr Lady said...

One day's warning on the Taste post, okay?

womb for improvement said...

You know the comments that say you're not crazy? They are wrong, but you know that right?! Sanity is overrated anyway.

Hilary (Maya Papaya) said...

It's amazing how much information a person gleans in the quest for a baby. You could probably teach a class at this point!

Kori said...

If you are questioning your sanity, you are probably just fine. In MY experience, those who think they are just fine are really quite whacked, so rest assured.

Sarah said...

Oh you dear sweet man. I'm lucky if my husband knows what CD "we're" on. He mostly knows because I mark it on a calendar. He knows what I tell him, and he only knows it for a little bit before its pushed out by something a bit more manly.
I think its sweet that you are the in tune with your wife and what you are BOTH trying to achieve.
No worries.

The naming thing...well...we've named him our respective parties as well. So if you're certifiable, so are we. And I'm OK with that.

Tismee2 said...

Mad as a Hatter in my opinion.

I remember someone referring to their 'parts' as Peter and the Twins from Eastenders. Apparently Ian Beales twins were hardly ever mentioned by name, only his eldest son Peter.

sorry, just rambling on..

Penelope said...

Sounds to me like you've lost the plot completely! ;o)

Seriously though, all of this is enough to drive anyone nuts. My Mum is actually a nurse in an IVF clinic in London, she is used to this sort of crazy. I don't ever remember her mentioning taste tests though!

womb for improvement said...

Just checked the hiding a body thing and you are right! Expecting the police round any moment...

AnnD said...

I love how you are so involved that you know her temperature and everything. That's why I have a blogging crush on you!!! You are just the best!

bsouth said...

You know, naming things isn't losing it. That's just making things easier to remember. When you find yourself sitting crossed legged in a dark room rocking backwards and forwards - then you've lost it.

Take it from a bonkers woman - you aren't bonkers yet. I'll let you know when you are.

nutsinmay said...

You aren't bonkers until you've named your toenails, I say.

H has resolutely refused to name any of his bits, though. Spoilsport.

TW said...

Na, you're not mad. This all comes with the territory. Maybe I should rephrase that, haha?

Immoral Matriarch said...

You're not crazy because of that. You're just crazy is all.

sky girl said...

Oh but you made me laugh with this. I read it out loud to husband and he laughed too.

Thanks for that.

(You were on my "recommended feeds" through Google Reader.)

A Whole Lot of Nothing said...

What about naming them Tweedledee and Tweedlecum?

Is that too far?

Putz said...

all i was trying to do was be cute but now i have victoria accusing me of a wife basher and beverly sayin be nice, and i know that that peron in the straight jacket is me...so i feel like nappy like i lost it...back to YOU....i guess

Elfie33 said...

I like being crazy...people don't ask you as many questions that way..LOL

Momo Fali said...

You may be crazy, but you're funny as hell.

hotmamamia said...

I'm sorry...I just scared my entire family I was laughing so loud! You are a real man's man!

Veronica said...

I don't think crazy people realise they are crazy. So I am pretty sure you are not certifiably crazy.

A little odd, yes, but not actual crazy.

Maggie, Dammit said...

You're not crazy, love. You're focused. There's a *huge* difference. (I tell myself that all the time.)

Zoeyjane said...

I'm pretty willing to bet you're fine until frenulum and perineum have nicknames. Might I suggest fred and paris?

A Free Man said...

A reasonablu wise friend of mine used to say, "If you're wondering about whether or not you're crazy, then you can't be crazy."

Marie said...

You've not lost it. You're pickled. You're marinated. You're saturated. Think of how tender and tasty you are. We can fry you up with those egg whites and have ourselves a fine meal. ;)


But hey, you need a little crazy in you to be a great dad. Just think, 20 years from now, your daughter won't need a HPT - she'll just rattle off a list of her past 14 daily temperatures and you'll know to go shoot the bastard who knocked her up before anyone will be able to pin a motive on you. See, perks everywhere.

Angel said...

Yeah, you lost it some time ago. But that's ok. It's more entertaining this way.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Rikki - 'just' yet... but ill make the reservation

@Ed - Mayo?

@Jothemama - Bertie? god almighty.

@Tigger - I'll take that as a silver lining, my grossness can attract women!
thanks!

@Fates Granddaughter - Not even fed up really, -antsy!

@Russ - You know you'd read it...perv...

@Missy M - hee hee hee hee....

@Horse Chick - I think if I read any of this to a child I'd be jailed.

@iVegasFamily - I'm gonna photoshop a badge!

@Fe - I'm not on the safe side of ANYTHING I reckon!

@Jenni - Olive and Olga!

@quickroute - I consider it a good day when Ive put at least one person off their food.

@Chaos - Tommy is the bigger, he sends out the big guns, Timmy, is a bit of a whimp.

@B - Education young man, you won't find the likes of this on any CAO form!
You may call them what you wish!

@Captain Steve - I was dangling my legs over the edge a long long time, truth be told.

@Insane mama - I know a lot more than that, but I'd probably end up divorced were I to divulge!

@that girl - oh dont be mistaken, I can say it, but I still gag...

@Mr Lady - maybe a video post?

@womb 4 improvement - you know what, youre right, on both counts.
and how brilliant is that hiding the body thing? someone actually searched for it, that's how I know...

@Hilary - a class eh? now, honestly, would you let me teach your kid?

@Kori - Hmmm, I have my doubts...

@Sarah - hahaha, I want to know your names ;0)

@Tismee2 - here in holland thats the only soap we get to see, Im scarred for life at the thought.

@Penelope - She do any consultancy work? does she like tulips?

@AnnD - I worry about your judgement.

@bsouth - I'll be waiting

@nutsinmay - toenails? you mean all 12 of them?
he hasn't? now thats no fun....

@TW - which bit you wanna rephrase ;0)

@Immoral Matriarch - THATS what I wanted to hear...

@Sky Girl - hi, welcome!
I tried taking myself out of my reader to see if I could be recommened to myself! but no...

Thats seriously cool.

@A whole lot of nothing - that's unnecessarily vulgar....

@Putz - partners in insanity Putz...

@Elfie33 - Oh they ask me... way too much...

@Momo Fali - a human hyena!

@hotmamamia - the men round your way must be quite a sight!

@Veronica - I like a little odd, in fact, I strive for a little odd

@Maggie, Dammit - "I'm focused, your honour"

@Zoeyjane - Paris? really? should it not be male?

@A free man - I bet you good money that I CAN...

@Marie - Sending nighmares through the dreams of unborn human beings....

@Angel - I do aim to please...

Kathryn said...

Going with the "T" theme here for name suggestions, I looked up a few prime choices for you :O)

Taro- means 1st born son

Theobald- means leader of people (or sperm)

Tormey- means a thunder spirit

Tristan- means noisy one (made me laugh)

and my personal favorite....drumroll please.....

Tycho- fun to say and it means "he who hits the mark" :O)

B said...

I learned some things from the CAO forms, such as how to fill it in correctly... may've taken me twice as long as most people but still.

nola said...

And THIS is why those who never have fertility problems will never get it! IT consumes all your mental energy (and oh, so much more!)

K8 the Gr8 said...

Olga and Olive?! :) I've seriously got to get to naming my bits. It's only right, good idea.

Bluestreak said...

You´re not crazy. Most people get to just shag and get a kid out of the fun without having to deal with all the crap you´re dealing with. Hence the feeling of craziness cause you probably always asumed you would too. Naming all the organs involved is a way of showing them your affection, which must be important in getting them to cooperate. I would do the same.

Sarah said...

Gunther. Except ya gotta say it right. Not Gun-ther. Ya gotta say Goon-tah. My hubby said he wants him to be a berserker.
And so, I named my little miss, Inga. You wouldnt believe the conversations...

Hahaha!

karmental said...

When you can smell estrogen and start naming ET's hormones, then, my friend, it's time to get yourself to a padded room.

K8spade said...

Only sane people question their sanity. Except me, of course. I don't need to question it. I am completely sane.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Kathryn - As odd as it may be for me to name them, for complete 'strangers' to do so is not healthy.
Not healthy at all...

I DO like the names though!

@B - Best things come to those who wait, or some other such shit...

@Nola - Oh yes, so true.

@K8 the Gr8 - Technically it's Olive and Olga, left to right you see?

I can't wait to hear about Regina...

@Bluestreak - I'd prefer to just pay them, frankly...

@Sarah - I LOVE Gunther, Goon-tah. Except it would make me laugh at just the wrong moment.

@Karmental - It's kind of like a burning cream sodea smell...

@K8spade - Q.E.D. I'm doomed.

Dondi Tiples said...

"Hiding a body", huh? You need to work harder on your SEO. Hrhrhrhr!

I don't know about that straw, but I think the camel's back is far from broken. His balls maybe, but still...

Oh, and what about Thomas and Tinnitus?

Jo Beaufoix said...

Camels can carry lots of straws. Don't worry. I think you should at least give it a name though, you named everything else. :D

kittyconcerto.com said...

I would LOVE to see Gordon Ramsey's face when you described a dish looking similar to "cervical mucous."

I would die laughing..... right after I vomited.

tiff said...

Ewww, a taste test?

As for having lost it, nah. It's how you keep your sanity, all of these little things.

Hold tight, I have first dibs on the straight jacket.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Dondi Tiples - Tinnitus? I don't think naming a testicle after a disease is a great idea ;0)

@Jo Beaufoix - Hmmm, something Hump related I think...

@Kitty concerto - you know, I would definitely say it to him now if I met him.
can you imagine his face?

@Tiff - never been tempted? ;0)

Monique said...

So, is that Olga on YOUR right or ET's right? Just wondering. :P Glad to see you haven't "lost" your sense of humor at least.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Monique - HERS...Olive is left, or right as I look at her. Olga right...

Missives From Suburbia said...

They're all lying to you. Your readers, that is. You've completely lost it. It's okay, though. Kids make you nuts anyway, so think of it as preparation for parenthood.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Missives from suburbia - well, we'll see about that!

Big Momma Pimpalishisness said...

Haha, egg white consistency. I know exactly what you mean. Ha