Tuesday, 23 September 2008

The Spence defence

**tap-tap**

Anyone there?

**tap-tap
**

Hello?

**tap-tap**

Oh hello, there you are.

So here I am, all alone, the last I saw from him was him stuffing some funny looking money with the queen's head on it into his pocket and heading off out the door signing Shania Twain songs.

I've made my way from the sheet in the laundry basket, across the hallway, into the office, and up onto the desk (and he has the cheek to say I can't travel distances).

I'm here at the tappy-clicky-tappy he uses all the time, and I can't bloody believe some of the things he's said about me on here.

I'm shocked and saddened to the core of my milky heart.

Does he even realise how hard it is for us?

I mean, think about it people, it takes us 12 or 13 years to even make an appearance in the first place!

Then we get shot out at some ridiculous rate like thirty-five minute intervals for the next seven years.

The targets were many and varied, hankys, stuffed toys, back of an old lady's coat on the bus, socks, all that kind of thing, but it's certainly not adequate training for the accuracy standards required of us in years to come.

After the free-for-all days there came some strange times. We started to get shot out but slammed head first into a latex barrier.

Ummm Hello! Whiplash anyone?

No wonder our morphology leaves plenty to be desired, your head would be a funny shape if you kept getting fired from a canon into a brick wall too.

Then all of a sudden, after a socially acceptable amount of time has passed and future intentions to daughters are made clear, we find we have the freedom to roam again, this time in slippery tunnels, shrouded in darkness.

Like six flags during a power failure.

It's hard to navigate these tunnels and passageways, so most often, we just hang around inside the entrance, waiting to drip out when gravity resumes normal operation.

Then it all changed 18 months ago. Without warning, gone are the days of flying free when the mood hits, rocketing across the room or whimpering out like a runny nose depending on the situation.

Now it's all ready-steady-go.

I get yelled at if I hang around the entrance, screamed at if I yawn and dribble out, and abused if I decide I want to stay where I am.

On top of that, apparently there's a 'target' now. I've got some bloody 'job' to do.

Seriously, what planet is this guy on?

Every parent knows you can't let a kid do whatever they want for 30 odd years and then expect them to go get a job.

He hasn't exactly prepared me for all this Indiana Jones rolling around dark caves lark either, a carrot or two in your diet might help my eyesight mister.

As for this swimming upstream - do I look like a migrating salmon?

Not cool man, not cool.

You know what else isn't cool? Your gonads!

Tommy and Timmy are sweltering in there. You drive to work, cycle around the plece, and prance around in underwear that was already too flipping tight when you bought them 12 months and 8 kilos ago. That stuff is killing us.

That's all I've got to say on the matter.

Now, back to this tappy-clicky-tappy...

**click click**

Hmm, what's this?
Agggh, No! we don't ever go in there!

**click**

Wow, who is she and what is she doing with that aubergine?

...oh now look, I've left a mess...


47 comments:

River said...

Well, hello Spencer, nice to meet you.

Amy said...

Spence, stop your whining (and your looking at porn) and get back to work. Knock up someone already.

geeksinrome said...

and stay away from cell phones, Spence. They'll nuke your cute little tail!!

Perhaps you could do a little inspirational reading tonight: "The Little Engine that Could"

tiff said...

What? You're talking about the socks again. The socks. Arrrrgh!!!

What are you doing that far away from the ovum anyway?

Veronica said...

Spencer! You are meant to be in training for reaching that egg, not lazing about looking at eggplants. Little memo, they aren't the same thing!

Married Leos said...

As usual, classic material

Bluestreak said...

absolutely the funniest Xbox I´ve read so far.

THopgood said...

You are a funny funny man!

Ed (zoesdad) said...

So if I'm reading you right--you're aimer's broke. Get a Garmin or Tom Tom--something!

Typical male--won't stop and ask for directions.

Chaos said...

Shouldn't you be working out or reading maps or something.

A Whole Lot of Nothing said...

Issues. Major issues.

iVegasFamily said...

What's Spence doing at the computer? He's supposed to be working. Now get back to it.

Jane G said...

Stuffed toys? Now I'm really beginning to wonder...

Marie said...

Do you hear that? It's a very small sound? Sounds... familiar... Oh wait! It's the world's tiniest violin playing the world's most sarcastic sympathy song.

I have NO sympathy. Sorry, Spence. Suck it up and do your job. I'll talk to you when you've divided a billion times and are out and about, walking around.

Quickroute said...

"stuffed toys" - totally forgot about that - remind to to throw that teddy bear out next time I visit the folks

People in the Sun said...

I love aubergines!

Putz said...

sise dose not matter...pointing is not suppose to matter...unless you are crooked and it never hits the spot...then you really do hav problems...

darcie said...

"back of an old lady's coat on the bus"
OH. MY.

RRP said...

I thought we were odd when my husband would send me an email from our puppy. This, however, far surpasses any talking-dog-emails I've received.

Perhaps the husband is right about my spending too much time reading blogs. :)

Kori said...

Spencer; you get out of there RIGHT.NOW. This is why they left without you, you idiot!

Chris said...

that is the best guest blogging i have come across. my deduction is that spence needs a few road signs and a miner's helmet with a powerful light.

bsouth said...

Spencer, I hope you're reading these comments and doing something constructive - like learning your directions for next time. How do you think Ellie feels being continuously stood up like this?

Game Feaster said...

Spencer is a wild man.

Get more reviews at

http://gamefester.blogspot.com

AnnD said...

Spencer-
I hear you and appreciate the argument. But you've got to step it up some and get some really good swimmers at the front of the pack! You've had 18 months to plan a strategy and must meet the standards set by your owner. Who knows what he has in store for you if you don't provide the services he needs?! Think about that, man!

Sarah said...

I'm not sure if I should be amused or horrified. Its an odd mix of the two....

womb for improvement said...

Oh dear god, you've finally lost it.

kittyconcerto.com said...

Hey Spence....I gotta tell ya, life is hard. Parents cuddle you, care for you, feed you, protect you.... then SLAM. Make you go get a job and act like an adult. Fuckers.

Widdle Shamrock said...

Spencer you knob. Quit your whining before I slap you.

anja said...

I hope the keyboard has been cleaned since the 'Spence dispense'

Maggie, Dammit said...

Tommy and Timmy? Seriously?

Leslie Laine said...

Still laughing, loudly.

swile67 said...

rofl:) poor Spence:)

James Austin said...

Hey, I didn't realize that Spence looks a lot like VegasDad. Odd. Now get back to work Spence and stop complaining. Whinner!

Kelley said...

You promised me you wouldn't show that pic to the kids. Dumbass.

frogpondsrock said...

Oh that was brilliant my friend. the idea of poor Spencer with whiplash has just cracked me up..Oh and I am always very very careful when I wash socks here ..xxx Kim

Kathryn said...

You are the Robin Williams of fertility. Is there some special award I can give you for this? I'm thinking you need to start your own stand up comedy routine with all this stuff. Whiplash, eating more carrots....you are funny!

Tismee2 said...

Stop dripping Spencer - just wiggle that but and do some shimmying. Remember all it takes is the one time and then you can go off into the sunset and lie around on a sandy beach somewhere. Your work will be done my boy!

Anonymous said...

Who came up with the name Spencer anyway? maybe that's the problem. What about Osama, that will get the Eggs attention....submissive behaviour is what ye need. He's used to living in caves and making his way through tunnels. Just a suggestion.
Deno

BusyDad said...

I sense the rumblings of a union. Get your baseball bat ready, Xbox.

Lisa D said...

You are hillarious. Whatever your day job is - quit, find yourself an agent & start writing a book or something.

April said...

It's so refreshing to hear Spence's take on it all.

A Free Man said...

There's not enough writing from the perspective of gametes.

Jo Beaufoix said...

Spence, I think I love you. And 'gonads' what a wicked word. :D

Angel said...

This is hilarious. I don't know how you keep your spirits up like this, but I'm certainly glad you can.

joe said...

Xbox, this is, without doubt, your best work yet! Absolutely, mind numbingly hilarious! Bravo!!

nola said...

I so missed you. And Spence too. Hiya!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Everyone...

I dunno how that slimey git got in here but it won't happen again.

Im sure he appreciates your encouragement/threats...!