Wednesday, 17 December 2008

Infertile carol singing

In the first month of TTC, my true love gave to me:
A good old shag, contraception free.

In the second month of TTC, my true love gave to me:
Two pairs of baggy boxers,
and a good old shag, contraception free.

In the third month of TTC, my true love gave to me:
Three dozen ovulation kits,
Two pairs of baggy boxers,
and a good old shag, contraception free.

In the fourth month of TTC, my true love gave to me:
Four different types of vitamins,
Three dozen ovulation kits,
Two pairs of baggy boxers,
and a good old shag, contraception free.

In the fifth month of TTC, my true love gave to me:
Five fingers and a sample cup,
Four different types of vitamins,
Three dozen ovulation kits,
Two pairs of baggy boxers,
and a good old shag, contraception free.

In the sixth month of TTC, my true love gave to me:
Six million motile swimmers,
Five fingers and a sample cup,
Four different types of vitamins,
Three dozen ovulation kits,
Two pairs of baggy boxers,
and a good old shag, contraception free.

In the seventh month of TTC, my true love gave to me:
Seven inches of a dildo cam,
Six million motile swimmers,
Five fingers and a sample cup,
Four different types of vitamins,
Three dozen ovulation kits,
Two pairs of baggy boxers,
and a good old shag, contraception free.

In the eighth month of TTC, my true love gave to me:
An eight am laparoscopy,
Seven inches of a dildo cam,
Six million motile swimmers,
Five fingers and a sample cup,
Four different types of vitamins,
Three dozen ovulation kits,
Two pairs of baggy boxers,
and a good old shag, contraception free.

In the ninth month of TTC, my true love gave to me:
Nine days of post-op abstinence,
An eight am laparoscopy,
Seven inches of a dildo cam,
Six million motile swimmers,
Five fingers and a sample cup,
Four different types of vitamins,
Three dozen ovulation kits,
Two pairs of baggy boxers,
and a good old shag, contraception free.

In the tenth month of TTC, my true love gave to me:
Ten days of constant knicker checks,
Nine days of post-op abstinence,
An eight am laparoscopy,
Seven inches of a dildo cam,
Six million motile swimmers,
Five fingers and a sample cup,
Four different types of vitamins,
Three dozen ovulation kits,
Two pairs of baggy boxers,
and a good old shag, contraception free.

In the eleventh month of TTC, my true love gave to me:
Eleven months of charting BBT,
Ten days of constant knicker checks,
Nine days of post-op abstinence,
An eight am laparoscopy,
Seven inches of a dildo cam,
Six million motile swimmers,
Five fingers and a sample cup,
Four different types of vitamins,
Three dozen ovulation kits,
Two pairs of baggy boxers,
and a good old shag, contraception free.

In the twelfth month of TTC, my true love gave to me:
Twelve more months to do it all again!
Eleven months of charting BBT,
Ten days of constant knicker checks,
Nine days of post-op abstinence,
An eight am laparoscopy,
Seven inches of a dildo cam,
Six million motile swimmers,
Five fingers and a sample cup,
Four different types of vitamins,
Three dozen ovulation kits,
Two pairs of baggy boxers,
and a good old shag, contraception free!



(bite me Maxi...Not Always Safe For Work)

53 comments:

Jane G said...

Damn you! I'm going to have that tune in my head for the rest of the day now. Beats Mariah I suppose :)

Joe said...

... and that, dear students, is how modern day medicine has killed age old tradition.

bsouth said...

Good one - didn't realise you had such a talent for re-writing lyrics. Just sorry you have another year to go. When I rule the world things will be very different.

Chaos said...

Very nice, quite festive. You have quite a talent my friend.

NukeDad said...

Now THAT puts me in the holiday spirit! You may have a future as a blunt carol writer. Your next one could be "No, Virginia. What are you? Stupid?" or "Rudolph The Red Pepper Encrusted Venison Platter"

Horse Chick said...

I love the new song lyrics and your creativity, except when I listen to them and realize the hell you guys have been through in the past 24 mos. Then I'm sad for two. Although
I really think you may have a future in (at least American) stand up comedy. Your new lyrics remind me of Adam Sandler's Hanukkah song.

p.s. I really hope 2009 is nicer to you (& especially ET) then 2007 & 2008 has been and brings you the baby you and ET so deserve!

Susanica said...

Fabulous! You slay me X-box. Such a clever lad. But I hope that next Christmas you'll be making up lyrics along the lines of "Not So Silent a Night What With Jr. Waking Us Up Every Two Hours". Something like that.

Merry Christmas to you and ET. -Monica

Russ said...

How long did it take you to come up with that ditty? Thanks for the good laugh.

Christa said...

You are insane and I love it.

Maxi Cane said...

We should release our versions as a double a side.

Ms. Moon said...

That was brilliant. Hey. If you can't laugh, what's the point? All humor stems from the deep darkness and our desire to reach for light.
Keep shaggin', keep singin', keep believing.

Kori said...

A catchy tune, but I somehow don't see it catching on. Just sayin'.

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

Can this be a vid post? Puhlease?

Tismee2 said...

TWO pairs of baggy boxers? Who got the third???? Everyone knows they come in packs of three. Are they the ones that let Stephen and the Twins jingle jangle all the way?

nutsinmay said...

Bwahahahahahaha ohhh hahahahaha hee hee hee hee heh heh heh. Fabulous.

See, that's where you're going wrong. Just the one shag a month.

Sorry. Don't hit me.

Julie said...

the fifth month was my favorite, it reminded me of your descriptions of walking around with that little paper bag of goodness...

Mr Lady said...

Dildo cam? BRILLIANT.

People in the Sun said...

"Nine days of post-op abstinence"

Where I live they don't call nine days without sex "Abstinence." They call them, "Honey, that's okay. You go to sleep. I'm going to stay online for a while."

Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas said...

ROFL! I'd hate to see what you do with Oh Christmas Tree!

James Austin said...

I am sorry to say that your pain cracks me up this time. Funny post X.

Tara R. said...

Oh great! Now, I'm going to have this stinkin' song running through my head all day. (I really hope you both get something special under your tree this season.)

Veronica said...

Am singing the song now, hehe.

Momo Fali said...

If carolers come to my door singing this, I may faint.

womb for improvement said...

That's a lovely baritone you've got there.

tiff said...

Oh dear. It moght not make it into any Holiday CDs but that was very clever!

Paint it Black said...

Cleaver and funny! Oh and inspirational....so inspirational in fact, that Im now off to write one about the good old number 9. :)

kittyconcerto.com said...

Like a melancholy musician, through your pain comes brilliance.

hotmamamia said...

Now THAT's the 'X' I know and love! Falalalala, lalalala!

Chhandita said...

Have I told u? U r FUNNY......damn this is good..m gonna hum this thru d day now....

Karen MEG said...

Why, you make it sound just oh so sexayyyyyy! If only it were...just keep singing, it sure beats crying.

Make sure you give yourselves a break to enjoy the holidays, okay? You really deserve it.

struglas said...

nice work man! that was freakin' awesome.

conortje said...

it's right up there with Frank Kelly's version :-)

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Jane G - Drowning cats beat Mariah...

@Joe - Bah Humbug!

@bsouth - Was gonna do candle in the wind, but that's been taken I hear...

@Chaos - Thanks!

@NukeDad - Classic, you've made me hungry though...

@Horse Chick - Thanks very much, heres to 2009!

@Susanica - I'm making notes of things that rhyme with 'sleep deprivation'

@Russ - 21 and a half months in the making Russ....

@Christa - Insanity is cute.

@Maxi Cane - Sexmas number one?

@Ms. Moon - Unable to laugh, there IS no point.

@Kori - Hey, if it worked for Garth Brooks...

@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] - I'll just round up 12 Dutch kids and give them the lyrics yeah?

@Tismee2 - Jingle all the way? Stop prempting my posts!

@nutsinmay - I would, but my aim seems to be off...

@Julie - At least I got some enjoyment out of #5!

@Mr Lady - I believe I heard that term first from Tiff!

@People in the Sun - Call of Duty takes on a whole other meaning...

@Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas - sounds like a challenge...

@James Austin - Laugh away my man, the only way.

@Tara R. - Sing these lyrics, will get you some funny looks!

@Veronica - Coming from a heavily pregnant woman, that must be quite the sight.

@Momo Fali - Wouldnt that be fantastic?

@womb for improvement - You've a fine pair of high notes yourself love...

@tiff - ;0)

@Paint it Black - Evil evil number...

@kittyconcerto.com - Me and Leonard Cohen, identical!

@hotmamamia - hahaha thanks.

@Chhandita - Funny? I think it's my ears...

@Karen MEG - It certainly does beat it. Thanks.

@struglas - Hey stranger! nice to see you around.

@conortje - Coming to an RTE Christmas Special any day now!

Angel said...

Wow. Awesome.

'Murgdan' said...

Most excellent. :-)

Edith said...

Nice one!
:)

Jo Beaufoix said...

Mwah ha ha ha haaaa. It's ok to laugh right?

geeksinrome said...

Very funny (and sad) loved the knicker checking... uh, so true.

I'm sure you can do something fun with "Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer" who had a very....

WhatAboutNovember said...

impressive!

gnomespeak said...

Ohhh! Next do Jingle Balls!

Leslie Laine said...

You absolutely, positively ROCK!!

There's nothing else to say about this carole except thanks for the LOL!!!

l.l.

LaskiGal said...

A new classic.

Definitely better than the old one . . .

I mean, come on, who wants a bunch of of birds???

Quickroute said...

I will never listen to that song the same way - thanks for the graphic recount!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Angel - ;0)

@Murgdan - Cheers.

@Edith - Is there a Dutch version?

@Jo Beaufoix - ok? it's obligatory.

@geeksinrome - Rudolh's red what?

@WhatAboutNovember - said the actress to the bishop...

@gnomespeak - I'm doing them, can you hear?

@Leslie Laine - ahaha thanks.

@LaskiGal - Available on iTunes!

@Quickroute - keeps me in your thoughts, this festive season!

B said...

Should've uploaded it as an mp3!

Craig D said...

See?

Carol's infertile, but she's still singing. Atta girl!

Elle Charlie said...

You should make sure you maintain the rights to this song... this is good stuff. Could become a holiday staple...

Baloney said...

This is a classic! I will never hear this song without thinking of the new lyrics.
Ahhhh the memories of fertility clinics. This song brings it all back.
What joy.
What bliss.
What... lack of privacy is left?
This is your year. I just know it!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@B - start a facebook group, it could be the xmas #1!

@CraigD - What DID you have for breakfast!

very clever, I bow to you.

@Elle Charlie - I don't know if that's praise for it or not!
thanks!

@Baloney - Welcome! thanks, I hope your trips to the clinics were successful.

Malky B. said...

Love it!

loveyh said...

As always, brilliant. :)

Bluestreak said...

hilarious and very catchy. see, i knew you'd get in the xmas spirit.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Malky B - glad you enjoyed

@lovelyh - Cheers!

@bluestreak - the new Macarena?