Tuesday, 14 April 2009

Knots

These have been the strangest couple of weeks yet.

The simple fact is, we have had our best chance to conceive this month, and are probably just a few days away from knowing if we have or not.

We've busied ourselves with smaller superficial things, and not allowed ourselves to think about it, but the feeling of being in limbo is greater than ever.

The true side effect of the Clomid reared its ugly head and was very cruel to ET. As irritating as it may be for me to be faced with it, it's a hundred times harder on her to relinquish control over her own emotions.

One of the small mercies of all this was always the ability to last until you have the relative comfort of your own closed doors before succumbing to sadness, but it appears Clomid has the ability to rob you of that too. I, again, remain useless.

That, it must be said, does not equate to just relaxing, anything but.

I could have written a thousand words every day for the past two weeks, but (much like this) none of it would have made any sense, such was the mental to and fro-ing. Every day convinced me this would be the time, while simultaneously mocking me for being so naive.

Will it, or won't it? I really don't know, and in an odd way I don't care, or at least I haven't brought myself to this time, just yet anyway.

We should know by now, that the more you think you know, the less you can be certain of. If that wasn't so, we wouldn't be here.

Either way, regardless of what I think, regardless of the positive temperature pattern, regardless of the drugs, regardless of not wanting to think about it, this week has started and the last days of our biggest chance ever are right in front of us.

Regardless of everything, they will still come, and they still will go.

We are waiting, but we don't know what for.


46 comments:

tiff said...

Oh, I am hoping so hard for you
and I have nothing better for you than that.

River said...

I'm with Tiff here. Hoping&hoping&hoping&hoping....
Sucks what Clomid does to the emotions. If I had my way ET would never need another dose.

Jane G said...

I was thinking about ye this morning. As you know I'm a clomid veteran at this stage - nine cycles so far. This month I was as bad as ever moodwise on it, having had little or no side effects the previous two months. It just side swipes you sometimes. Horrible stuff.

I really hope this is your month.

Angel said...

I feel terrible for ET. Being/feeling out of control is so hard. Don't think you're useless. You're going through this, too. Knowing that you're there with her means more than you can know. I think you've both been very strong for one another. It's amazing.

Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

I have said it all before. So 'you know' and 'that other thing I said'

Give ET a hug from me.

And none of that funny stuff. Just plain ol' vanilla hug.

WiseGuy said...

There's a IF cliche - Hurry Up and Wait...

I totally wish that things swing your and ET's way.

Be good.

Fingers crossed for you...

Ed said...

I don't suppose there's a distraction large enough to give your mind a rest. You guys are in my thoughts.

RiotGrrlCynic said...

I think it takes another person battling infertility to truly understand.

And as others have said...

IhopeIhopeIhopeIhopeIhope.

I'm sure there are many of us out here in blog world waiting with our fingers crossed tight for you.

We'll be here either way.

Amber said...

Fingers crossed this is your month!

Ms. Moon said...

As I've said before- your words have made us care. And care we do. We wish we could sit down and play a few hands of cards with you to pass the time. We wish we could do more than that. But since we can't, just know we're out here. Caring.

Karen MEG said...

The waiting is the hardest part, just excruciating. And Clomid is no picnic. I wish I could wrap my arms around ET 10 times over. (And you a couple times too, for that matter).

But don't worry about controlling the emotions, either of you. Even without Clomid in the mix, you've both been through such an emotional roller-coaster. You're not useless, you're there for her, you're in this totally together, and that's all she could ask for.

Penelope said...

Holding my breath!!

serenity said...

I've been thinking about you both and wondering how you've been weathering the wait. I'm sorry it's been so rough on ET and you both.

Fingers tightly crossed.

xxx

Rikki said...

I hope like mad that this is the beginning of a new chapter.

Here till the end...

IrishNYC said...

Give ET a big old hug for me and tell her to hang in there. I know how crazy and awful she's feeling. It'll all be so worth it in the end, whether it works (hopefully) or whether it moves you on to something more (I hope not).

WhatAboutNovember said...

That's one blessing of utter emotional exhaustion. You just don't have much energy to devote to hope.

I have little hope for myself this cycle, but I'm hoping like mad for you two.

Elfinamsterdam said...

Just mirroring everyone here...
Huge Hugs and Most Positive Thoughts your way.

My mum was asking after you both this weekend when I was home, she loved your piece in the paper (she bought it and kept it for me)

She tried for 8yrs to have me.... there's a lesson in there somewhere!

Jenni said...

biting my nails with anticipation over here. okay, I'm not actually a nail biter, really, really hoping this is it for you guys.

Jenni said...

biting my nails with anticipation over here. okay, I'm not actually a nail biter, really, really hoping this is it for you guys.

Marissa said...

best of luck this month. i pray awesome news is coming your way.

Captain Steve said...

Dude, that's hard. Good luck to ya.

Making Babies said...

Got my fingers crossed for you both!! Been thinking about you and ET all day. Sending you plenty of positive vibes!! ~*~*~*

Bonnie B. said...

I can't relate to the Clomid-induced mania, but I'm a veteran of some pretty horrid PMS (and my husband is a survivor of my pretty horrid PMS, you two should get together over a beer or 16 and share stories), but I know that the most awful feeling is lack of control. You KNOW that you're acting strangely and you have absolutely no control over it. It took my husband years to understand that. So I feel for ET and I hope she is rewarded for this Clomid-induced emotional instability with the emotional instability that comes with pregnancy. (I'm not really helping here, am I?)

Crossing fingers, biting nails and hoping, hoping, hoping......

M+B said...

Fingers crossed (make that everything crossed) for you both that this is THE month

maggie, dammit said...

Crossing everything. Fingers, toes, legs, curls, everything.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@tiff - Thanks Tiff.

@River - Me too, if it were at all possible!

@Jane G - We shall see.

@Angel - Trust me, useless is accurate.

@Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo - mental picture...not good.

@WiseGuy - Thank you.

@Ed - A brain soak in the sink would do the trick.

@RiotGrrlCynic - Thank you.

@Amber - Maybe, maybe, maybe.

@Ms. Moon - Can you play 45?

@Karen MEG - No picnic indeed, grizzly bear picnic!

@Penelope - nice shade of blue.

@serenity - This is how!

@Rikki - I do hope so.

@IrishNYC - Thank you.

@WhatAboutNovember - What's this energy you speak of?

@Elfinamsterdam - Heh, that's just too cute. Big HELLO to Elf's Mammy!
I'm not even going to comment onf the 8 years lest my face explode.

@Jenni - Enjoy your meal...

@Marissa - Thank you, me too.

@Captain Steve - It fucking is!!!

@Making Babies - Cheers, thanks.

@Bonnie B. - Don't bite too far, that hurts.

@M+B - Stranger things have happened I guess.

@maggie, dammit - Hey you! thanks.

Colleen - Mommy Always Wins said...

Hang in there...don't give up just yet!

womb for improvement said...

Aren't two weeks up yet?

I've nothing to add, except very best of luck.

Lea said...

I think this has been the longest 2ww ever! Gaw. I am hoping so much for you to get that positive. So much.

CableGirl said...

You keep saying that this is your biggest chance. Don't psyche yourself like that. You had a great chancce this month because the clomid produced extra follies, but you didn't go through with the IUI. Fantastic if it works, but if it doesn't and you do clomid with IUI next cycle, your chances will be much greater.

Putz said...

you are not the give up type...but it would be nice to celebrate...

A Decade of BFNs said...

OMG how much longer do we have to wait????


Fingers crossed so hard i am losing circulation.

xx

Claire said...

It sort of freaks me out that even though I don't know you I feel sick with anticipation that this could be THE month and I hope hope hope that it is. I feel so much for ET and understand that you feel helpless but trust me, if a gal needs anything in this type of situation, it's the kind of support you're giving. Will be like a cat on a hot tin roof waiting for good news....

Susanica said...

Ah yes, doesn't the waiting part just suck X-Box? Here's something to think about. In Spanish the word "esperar" means "to wait" but it also means "to hope", and also to "expect". In fact when a woman is pregnant, in Spanish she is said to be “esperando”. I guess it means she is “expecting” like we’d say in English, but I think “hoping” and “waiting” are mixed in there too. So I guess I'm just saying that yo quiero que ET esta esperando. Maybe someday in about 9 months I'll tell you all about "giving the light"! Good luck you two!-Monica

Mwa said...

I'm on holiday just now and still checked this one blog just because I want this so much for you both. If the whole internet wants it so much, that must be a help, right?

Good luck!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Colleen - Mommy Always Wins - fat ladies and all that!

@womb for improvement - Yes, yes they are....

@Lea - It feels like it, I'll tell you that.

@CableGirl - Well, it is out best chance so far, simple as. But yes, bigger chances will come, someday.

@Putz - A celebration would go down nicely!

@A Decade of BFNs - Not long I would imagine, not too long at all.

@Claire - Freaks you out?, try being in these shoes ;-)

@Susanica - ...Manana....

@Mwa - Nutter! go enjoy your holiday!

Shanny said...

Keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you guys. Good luck!

Widdle Shamrock said...

Really hoping that this month is your month.

I understand the Clomid induced mania. Lost the plot one day to the point of black out and threw a chair across the room at Mr Shamrock.

Hugs to ET. Hopefully, she won't need them again, and will have to deal with pregnancy hormones instead.

Tara R. said...

I hope you're waiting for good news, or rather I hope you get some good news.

Ms. Moon said...

45? Is that a game?

Jill said...

Oh everything is crossed... everything!

WhatAboutNovember said...

Energy. It's like the stuff that powers lamps and stuff. It's said to sometimes power people, but I'm pretty sure that's a lie and we really run on chocolate, if we're running at all. But maybe that's just me...

Amy said...

Am thinking of you both as you wait. And hoping, hoping, hoping.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Shanny - Thanks

@Widdle Shamrock - I haven't gotten the brunt of it, but she has, and that's bad enough.

@Tara R. - Always waiting.

@Ms. Moon - Best card game this side of the everglades.

@Jill - Legs included?

@WhatAboutNovember - Definite Lie.

@Amy - Thank you.

bsouth said...

Oh please let it be this time. I'm in knots for you both.

Tismee2 said...

Now if that isn't a good enough reason to hog the one and only laptop for the next two days what is? I have more knots here for you (my hotel room overlooks a marina!)than you can shake a hairy stick at.
I'll be back to check on you!