Monday, 17 August 2009

360 in 365

It's embarrassing.

I don't like reading old entries, most of them at least.

They are usually bad attempts at humour, or full of cringe worthy naivety, or plain and simply painful. Those are the worst, the ones where I can read what seems to be someone else talking about hopelessness, seemingly endless.

One year ago today I wrote:

That was our 17th cycle. 10 more failed attempts followed that one.

One year further on, one wedding anniversary further on, we are standing somewhere that feels like the centre of everywhere.

Last year we celebrated our third anniversary with nothing. Sour taste, looming shadows, and no way out.

Next year, our fifth, we won't be alone. Someone else will be living in our house, someone else's clothes with be in the cupboards, someone else's stuff will be cluttering up the hallway.

Can you believe that?

I can't.

As much as we worked to get here, and even with as much time as we've had over the years to prepare, I still don't really believe it. Every week brings something else that makes my stomach drop just a little. A sign that I'm slowing 'getting it'.

I'm slowly and gradually believing it.

This year we are sitting here, marking our anniversary quietly. Full of expectation in every possible sense of the word.

I'm full of disbelief at how just much disbelief I find myself in. The changes from last year, the changes to next, and the here and now.

Here and now, the centre of everywhere, the spot from where we have the perfect 360 degree view.


49 comments:

Rachel said...

"Here and now, the centre of everywhere, the spot from where we have the perfect 360 degree view."

Love that.

Congrats again and yay.

womb for improvement said...

So are you getting squatters in?

Or have I missed something?

Momo Fali said...

I am so happy for you. I'm so glad you found your center.

Lorna said...

Happy anniversary :-)

Kori said...

Best.post.ever.

Middle Aged Woman said...

All eyes forward now, XBox and E.T!

angie said...

You keep your clothes in the cupboards?

weirdo.

Ms. Moon said...

Happy anniversary and may they only get better and better and better and more filled with love, right along with your life.

mammydiaries said...

There is definitely something mad about seeing baby things in a house that was once just yours...

Bonnie B. said...

"...someone else's stuff will be cluttering up the hallway." (snicker!) You have NO idea how much crap they require and how it completely overtakes your house! Can't wait to read your blog entry about the injuires incurred by stepping on said stuff.

(Look at that - Ms. Moon was was downright sappy in her post, and mine was all snark. Go figure!)

Ed said...

And all the stuff you thought was yours will no longer matter---but someone else will.

tiff said...

What a beautiful description of a lovely moment in time.

ZDub said...

And a year from now, when it is the 3 of you, you won't be able to remember how you ever got by with just 2.

Just lovely.

Hyphen Mama said...

And when you're sending her off to school, you still won't believe it all happened as it did.

WhatAboutNovember said...

:)

Nikki aka Widdle Shamrock said...

Wonderful.

Happy anniversary.

Jenni said...

with my kids, it never seemed real to me either until they were actually here.

and once they arrive, you won't be able to recall how you ever lived without them.

Shanny said...

Happy anniversary =)

hotmamamia said...

Oh, HAPPY ANNIVERSAY and it surely truly honest to goodnesss really is a happy one now isn't it?!

Wait until the moment that Little Fitz arrives, you STILL won't believe...you won't believe that you 'made that', that ET was able to deliver 'that'...that all the pain of those awful cycles ever happened and that you were blessed with 'that'. My friend, you have years of not believing ahead you...you lucky man, you!

Veronica said...

Is it bad that my first thought was 'in 12 months, the clothes won't make it to the cupboards...'

Yeah, probably.

Happy Anniversary.

Ginny said...

My cold black heart melts over you guys. Mazel Tov.

Chuck said...

The two, nay three, of you are in a magical place right now. Wonder be damned.

Sadia said...

That was beautiful.

I like the snarky you, but this you is rather nice too. :)

James (SeattleDad) said...

It's really amazing the changes that occur in such a short time frame. Especially when you are so used to things changing just slightly from year to year. It seems like it is all happening lightning fast. Enjoy every little change cause soon enough they will be gone.

Chhandita said...

2nd trimester!!! man I missed a lot..have a lot of reading to do :)

Mwa said...

Happy anniversary!

nutsinmay said...

Just wait until you tread on a lego brick barefoot. Then you will TRULY know the meaning of pain.

Congratulations on your wedding anniversary. May the next be very noisy and jolly and full of nappies.

And most of all, congratulations on the impending nappies. You're going to be GREAT at changing them. I insist.

Jill said...

Happy, Happy Anniversary! Doesn't it feel great to be on the other side?

Looking forward to the next few months!

Putz said...

i remember you saying that, an d me commenting saying something like, it probably is

Quickroute said...

Relish these moments my friend - Happy Anniversary

frogpondsrock said...

I have commenters block, so I am just waving hello..

*waves hello"

AnnB said...

I've been having exactly the same feelings lately - it's incredible to look back on the days when you really couldn't see a way out of your dark hole. Looking back on those days makes me all the more grateful for the present. Enjoy!

Sarah said...

Happy anniversary, friend.

Chelsea Lietz said...

Hope you had a wonderful anniversary.

Glad you are enjoying the view.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Rachel - Thanks :-)

@womb for improvement - Of a sort, yes...

@Momo Fali - Thank you.

@Lorna - Thanks!

@Kori - very.easily.impressed!

@Middle Aged Woman - Yep, yep!

@angie - on the floor.

@Ms. Moon - full steam ahead.

@mammydiaries - I'm gonna have issues there I think...

@Bonnie B. - heh, opposites...

@Ed - awww.

@tiff - just the way it is!

@ZDub - we'll see!

@Hyphen Mama - Her eh?

@WhatAboutNovember - ;-)

@Nikki aka Widdle Shamrock - thank you.

@Jenni - that Im starting to realise.

@Shanny - Thanks.

@hotmamamia - all in time...

@Veronica - heh, thanks.

@Ginny - but you're still not willing to drive 2,500 miles for a coffee....

@Chuck - be dammed is righT!

@Sadia - I miss the snark, if Im honest.

@James (SeattleDad) - It's all good.

@Chhandita - :-)

@Mwa - thanks.

@nutsinmay - thank you :-)

@Jill - it does indeed.

@Putz - it probably is!

@Quickroute - will do, thanks.

@frogpondsrock - howdy!

@AnnB - you dont realise it at the time, but really, it can change SO fast. Bad to good in an instance.

@Sarah - Cheers!

@Chelsea Lietz - we certainly are!

Rachel said...

Preserve that feeling of awe and excitment and joy, bottle it, freeze it, whatever. It will help you through the times when you're convinced that this kid hates you, and/or is an alien from another planet sent to make you crazy.

Susanica said...

Happy Anniversary! You're getting it alright Xbox. But you won't really "get" (at least not experientially) it until you're a 24/7 parent. Enjoy this time before the baby comes. Truly. It is indeed precious just like when the baby comes. It's just different. -Monica

Missives From Suburbia said...

It goes by in a blur, and the first few years of your child's life will, as well. I'm glad you have this blog to remember it all. Because looking back on that past self who wanted and needed a baby so badly will make you smile in your naivete someday.

Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

...and I want my own room and somewhere to store my shoes.

It is me you are talking about, right?

Alexicographer said...

2.5 years into the post-natal stuff, I remain in awe of how much it changes your life. In a good way (the awe, not all the changes). Congratulations, again.

Tanya said...

Beautiful, I actually had a little tear. I remember these feelings so well, I loved being pregnant. You guys deserve it so much!

Once the birth of your little baby comes, you will have another type of view where you can look back on now, where you were anticipating having a third person living in your house.

My third person is currently snuggled up in my bed with her daddy. They look so peaceful, maybe I should sleep on the couch?

It is surreal once they are acually here.

Missy Boo said...

Happy Anniversary! This year must be perfect :)

ryanandjoesmom said...

Happy Anniversary and Happy Reality!!!

Hilary (Maya Papaya) said...

First off, Happy Anniversary!

Second, lovely post.

Third, Um can we get some belly pics going? We're ready for some baby belly. Please and thanks :)

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Rachel - Freeze it, hahaha

@Susanica - Starting to realise that, no amount of preparation will be sufficient.

@Missives From Suburbia - oh don't scare me!

@Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo - quite often, just not now...

@Alexicographer - Thanks ;-)

@Tanya - awww, that's very sweet.

@Missy Boo - It's looking that way! thanks.

@ryanandjoesmom - thanks you ;-)

@Hilary (Maya Papaya) - 1 & 2 thanks. 3 - no can do :-)

Karen MEG said...

X, it is unbelievable isn't it?

A very happy anniversary to you and ET (and sorry I missed this earlier)...enjoy the quiet because next anniversary it will be a happy party of three!

Dondi Tiples said...

stop looking back. you three have so much to look forward to.

Blues said...

yes, you've come a long way. And I'm enjoying the more hopeful posts.

Dondi Tiples said...

I love this post! Even your emotions have turned around 360 degrees worth. Can you imagine all that "up and down" that you went through in the past 2 years?! Your psyches must be turned inside-out.