Wednesday, 26 August 2009

Secrets - Part One

There are a few books in circulation that offer advice to men with a pregnant partner.

Some are serious and full of biology lessons for the men who can only deal in facts. Why they turn that colour, why those smells like that, and why you will never ever get to do that again.

Some are aimed at the metrosexual, or the new age man, full of ways to support and encourage the earth-mother to be, bursting with suggestions for sounds of the rainforest soundtracks, and reasons why you should be delighted if she decides to give birth alongside badgers in a ditch.

Some are oh-so-funny for the knuckle draggers who aren't quite sure how they ended up in this predicament. Full of jokes and anecdotes about clumsy, dopey, yet ultimately endearing fathers-to-be. Brimming with all the appropriate lies to tell the shed sized woman yelling and waddling around your house.

All of these variations have some worth. All are accurate in their own way. All reflect the truth under the right light.

Whatever angle they take, they always revert to the image of the curled-up-on-the-sofa couple, or the oversized scarf wearing, hand-holding in the park couple, where everything is just about a palatable shade of bliss.

None of them tell you the one thing that every man should know. None dare to pull the rug from under the feet of the poor expectant father and land him on his arse on the hardwood floor of reality.

You can not, and will not, EVER win an argument while your partner is pregnant. In fact, my guess is most poor bastards won't for the 6 or 12 months that follow.

Forget it. Totally, utterly, and completely forget it.

She will never have to do anything if she doesn't feel like it, meanwhile you can never refuse to do anything you don't feel like doing.

'Well I am busy growing a human', 'but the baby wants it', and the more accusatory 'I'm carrying your child you know' are all just variations on that theme which will see you running around like a blue arsed fly for the foreseeable future.

Whichever flavour of father-to-be you are, everything boils down to - you're screwed, dude.

You're welcome.



52 comments:

Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

and then,

'I carried your children'

Dude, you are screwed forever now. And then the kid will get in on the action and you will have 2 people ordering you around.

Just remember YOU WANTED THIS SO QUIT YOUR FING BITCHING ALREADY! Now get in the kitchen and make her a sammich.

Edith said...

So, what's your point?

;)

River said...

Ha Ha, so true. So very true.

Except in the case of my ex, who was often heard to say, get it yourself, exercise is good for pregnant women.

Kathryn said...

Glad that you're a quick learner ;o)

Mwa said...

Very true. And afterwards, you will be blamed for all the lasting physical changes, too. Another barrel of laughs for you there.

hairyfarmerfamily said...

*incredulous, as Xbox has shown no previous signs or symptoms of such touching naivete*

6 or 12 months?! Nononononono.

*whispers*

It's forever, mate. Sorry.

Ms Avery said...

Hm, suddenly I can see an upside to the woman's role in these proceedings... *schemes*

Sinead said...

At least you have realised this important fact early in the pregnancy, it will make the next 24+ weeks easier for you.

Lilacspecs said...

Wait, wait. You're trying to say you won arguments before ET was prego? She built up your ego buddy, cause most guys will NEVER win an argument with their wife, no matter what stage of pregnancy, pre, post or during that she's in.

Ms. Moon said...

Okay, DaddyX- you carry the next one. Then you can win the arguments.

Horse Chick said...

Dude, ET has ALWAYS been in control, she just let you think you had a wee bit of power...glad you saw the light and will (hopefully) conform to the rules quickly! (hahaha!!)

WhatAboutNovember said...

Well that was perky.

And I snorted my tea out my nose at the "birth with badgers in a ditch" line. ha

Sarah said...

It took you THIS long to figure that all out?? You're not as smart as I thought you were.

And like Kelley said, you ASKED no, BEGGED for this so quit your bitching and go get your lovely pregnant wife something she wants!

Middle Aged Woman said...

Something every man has to find out for himself.

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

"You can not, and will not, EVER win an argument while your partner is pregnant. In fact, my guess is most poor bastards won't for the 6 or 12 months that follow."

You're so much smarter than you look.

Jenni said...

actually, you don't ever get to win again. sorry. but, the baby is the jackpot so really, you do win in the end.

Jenni said...

oh, and go rub her feet. i'm sure they hurt.

Russ said...

Welcome to the club my friend!

Rachel said...

You should really publish a book of your own to share this knowledge, as clearly, other men are still clueless. Though, many women would be happy to write that book, but then no man would read it.

Kori said...

There is this really great comedian called Henry cho, and he was talking about making the mistake one day of walking into the house and saying, "God, what did YOU do all day?" and his pregnant wife said, "What did I do today...let's see...I grew a LUNG." So then he was really patting himself on the back one time and said, "Oh look honey, I unloaded the dishwasher!" and she calls back, "SPLEEN!" Yeah; you are so screwed, and isn't it just lovely?

Putz said...

read my council of the eggs

Ginny said...

You're writing the first decent book for expectant fathers.

Right?

Joeprah said...

I just want to say congrats man. I am so excited for you and you are going to be a great dad.

As for pregnancy--hmm, there's so much to say. There's some good info here:

http://www.dad-blogs.com/the-blogs/editorials/joeprah/505-pregnancy-a-rude-awakening.html

But living through a pregnancy is the greatest teacher of all. Each one is different because the people living through each pregnancy are different.

Best wishes and a congratulations!!

womb for improvement said...

Sounds like you've found a gap in the market.

nutsinmay said...

Seriously, if I ever get pregnant, H is going to be my SLAVE. I've got it all planned. It's my revenge on the person who has never had an ultrasound wand up them, has never shown his perineum to an assortment of complete strangers, has never had an HSG, let alone 2, has never been on mind-crushing drugs, has never had a period... If all you're worried about is not winning arguments ever again, ohhh, dear, you poor lamb, Xbox.

Dad Blog said...

I think it is more than 6 to 12 months. It starts when that wedding band goes on the finger. When the first baby comes everything else just gets worse.

Mistress B said...

6 - 12 months..............

baahaaahaaaa

Dude! Wait till she's been through a 16 hour labour and had a tear in her perineum delivering YOUR child.

You'll never win an argument again

Ave said...

Still so very happy for you both!

Veronica said...

You're screwed forever. Once she isn't pregnant then the 'did YOU push a baby out of your vagina? NO? Well then, I don't think you have a say' starts.

Although I'm pretty sure giving birth next to badgers would be dangerous. Don't let her do that one. Human growing or not.

Nikki aka Widdle Shamrock said...

I am still spinning at the thought of a man winning an argument.

I want to know how and when that has ever happened and has it been chronicled in the journals of history somewhere?

6-12 months **snigger snigger** You keep telling yourself that sweets.

James (SeattleDad) said...

6-12 months? If she is still nursing at 2 years you will still not have won one. Give up now! There is my advice.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo - 1st class ticket to a kick in the arse that, 'just remember you wanted this...'

@Edith - hahaha

@River - hahaha your ex...funny man....

@Kathryn - survival of the fittest :-)

@Mwa - Lovely!

@hairyfarmerfamily - :-)

@Ms Avery - Cant be news, surely...

@Sinead - easier? or longer?

@Lilacspecs - not arguments, discussions!

@Ms. Moon - hahaha

@Horse Chick - Hmmmmmmm

@WhatAboutNovember - my personal favourite bit.

@Sarah - dont go there

@Middle Aged Woman - rite of passage

@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] - Bite me.

@Jenni - they stink...

@Russ - heh

@Rachel - dont tell me, tell a publisher!

@Kori - hehe

@Putz - er...ok?

@Ginny - Hmmm...

@Joeprah - Cheers, thanks.

@womb for improvement - for common sense? never!

@nutsinmay - poor poor man.

@Dad Blog - hehe, maybe.

@Mistress B - ouch.

@Ave - heh, thanks.

@Veronica - thats descrimination...

@Nikki aka Widdle Shamrock - behave!

@James (SeattleDad) - good god....

bsouth said...

You can always self-publish you know.

Tanya said...

My favourite one now is, 'PLLLLLLLLEASE? I COOKED YOU A BABY FOR 9 MONTHS!'

Or, 'Being Pregnant/in labour/looking after a baby is a full time job too!'

Ruth said...

E.T. obviously hasn't been reading her Catholic guide to Love and Marriage, featured in today's Irish Times, which reads as follows:

"In any human undertaking there has to be someone ‘in charge’, some final authority, someone upon whom the other people involved with him can rely. In the human family the husband and father naturally fill this position . . . the husband is, and ought to be, the head of the family, the ‘boss’.”

So now.

Tracey said...

I'm still here, still reading, still happy for you both. That is all.

Nick McGivney said...

Angie - we won't win anything for the next 6 or 12 months? Geddafughouddadere. We died up on that cross-fertilisation passion play twisted writhing of limbs sorta metaphor run amok. Stone dead, like Haitian zombie men moving around and going through the motions and all, but dead from the waist up. And down. And if the X does the tango again (as you know he will) then he'll look back on this one as a time of abundant, erm, time when he could do stuff that later on he won't be able to do, like reply personally to all 98 messages of smirky you wanted itness on his increasingly sporadic posts. Now question is Ange, do you tell him or will I?

(XB, meeting third Thurs every month at a mobile location. Will text you Freedom Night details closer to time. First rule of Dad club is there is n- wait... can you hear footsteps? I thought I heard som-

hotmamamia said...

Teehee, nothing more!

Tara R. said...

One good turn (screw) deserves another. Just wait to see how fast little Fitz wraps you around that baby finger. You are totally screwed.

Monty said...

it's not like you won an argument before the pregnancy y'know?

Come on, just own up and admit she wears the pants.

AnnD said...

Totally true! I have to send this post to my hubby! I haven't put my child in her carseat, pumped gas or completed any number of physically "challeging" tasks if he is around. And he never argues with me. Bless him.

And bless you too! I just know you are seeing to her every need...

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@bsouth - meh !

@Tanya - Cooked? hmmm...

@Ruth - I read it, absolutely brilliant.

@Tracey - Thanks.

@Nick McGivney - Heh, you really don't write half often enough sir.

@hotmamamia - Hmmmmmmmmmm

@Tara R. - I like the way you think. Screw wise.

@Monty - There may be a swapping of underwear occasionally, but you have it the wrong way around...

@AnnD - Heh, I'm sure she'd agree...*cough*

Lee said...

Came here to say.....well, everything that already has been, I reckon.

Try this....just start doing things without being asked, and eventually you'll convince yourself that you WANT to do them. The bonus is that she thinks that you're super sweet and attentive for doing something without being asked!

You're going to have to do it anyway, may as well brainwash yourself into enjoying it.

By the way, congratulations! I didn't say it during the initial joyful flush(hate jinxing things), but your success has restored my belief in karma doing the right thing!

Heather said...

My children are six and nearly ten. I still use this excuse and it even works with them now! To the husband: "Remember those humans I grew for you?!" and the children: "Excuse me, but if it weren't for me, you wouldn't exist! I grew you, remember?"

Works like a charm. :)

Quickroute said...

give an inch and 'they'll' take a mile - stand your ground now - off to the pub with ya

Ed said...

6-12 months. You poor, sad, little man.

Nothing you could or will EVER do in this life shall compare to the 9 months she will spend carrying YOUR child. Don't even try.

tiff said...

Oh my Lord.

David said to tell you it never ends.
After the pregnancy part, we women have leverage forever.

FOREVER!!!!!

Mwahahahahahahahahaha! (that's my evil laugh).

Susanica said...

I want Secrets-Part Two! I want Secrets-Part Two! You don't know yet do you XBox? ;-)

-Monica

iamstacey said...

I plan to use this excuse to get footrubs on demand and to never have to scoop the cat box again!

Putz said...

no, really counsel of the eggs, i think february 9th of this year

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Lee - Thanks a million!

@Heather - That's just mean.

@Quickroute - I'd murder a longneck actually.

@Ed - Very harsh there Edward!

@tiff - Poor man. Poor poor man.

@Susanica - All in time!

@iamstacey - best of luck!

@Putz - I must go check...

Amy said...

"You're screwed"? HA! Not nearly as often as you want to be.