Monday, 24 August 2009

Excuse my French

'Mind your Ps and Qs' they say.

Or is it peas and queues? I never did understand that phrase.

Regardless, it's time to pay heed to what gets said around here because apparently the kidlet can now hear.

I seemingly have to watch my tongue because the 3 ounces of baby squatting inside the wife has the ability to listen.

I'm supposedly safe enough for a week or two because it doesn't yet understand what it hears. It just hears. Me too buddy, me too.

If it's a girl I'm probably safe for the next thirty years or so because I'm yet to encounter one that pays any attention whatsoever to what I say.

The idea of it weighing 3 ounces is worth a chuckle. 3 ounces is barely a house party.

Occasionally these books supply me with a titbit that make all the drivel about grapes and pineapples worthwhile. This weeks one is about the kidlet's skin.

Apparently, it's translucent.

Yes folks, like just like Atari 2600 joystick I had 20 years ago, or the special edition Xbox that lends its very name to this domain, little Fitz is bloody transparent. Veins, arteries, intestines, and organs are all on display inside its wee body like custard creams and lemon meringues in a bakery.

I'm not a fan of using this word, but how cool is that? How cool would that be in a grown up? You could watch the 4 cups of morning coffee work their magic, you could see the tightening of a colleague's anus when your boss yells at them, you could watch your uncle's liver change colour throughout the course of your cousin's wedding day.

Here we are, on the cusp of 15 weeks, and on our hands we have a 3 ounce ball of transparent kid. Listening to every f-u-c-k-i-n-g word we say.


44 comments:

Christa said...

"you could see the tightening of a colleague's anus when your boss yells at them"

Hotness.

hotmamamia said...

FANTASTIC...I LOVE IT...Oh, to be able to see those things you described...yeehaw...that would be so frickin funny!!! and, yes, COOL!

Now is the time to start speaking to ET's belly and telling little Fitz how much you love him/her and can't wait to see him/her and play great music and stuff...baby'll start dancin...a shame you can't send spencer II in with a mirrored dance globe...kidlet would LOVE IT! (You and ET too!---have you felt a kick yet???)

Mwa said...

I am now going to imagine seeing the tightening of anyone's anus while they go through a bad moment, and it will all be thanks to you.

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

I wonder if she can understand your snarkasm.

womb for improvement said...

If you start spelling out all the sweary words isn't every sentence going to take about 15 mins - or am I tarring you with my own fucking brush?

Lorza said...

LOL!! Hey- if you had translucent skin you would be like that movie Hollow Man. :) Oh- and the minding your Ps and Qs. "it means Mind your "quarts" and "pints". This saying was used in England hundreds of years ago. The "barkeeps" would say this to patrons when they were getting out of hand or being "rowdy". Again, it is a "nice "way to say... Watch your manners." Or so I hear. :) pretty f-u-c-k-i-n-g interesting huh?

Kori said...

oh, my, you shall have to change your entire vocabulary now!

steph said...

Jeez! You mean we have another 25 weeks of these titbits, to go?

Dunno about you but I'm effing exhausted already! ;-)

Karen said...

I believe the saying refers to minding your P's and Q's as in your Pints and Quarts. I vaguely remember learning that it was something about minding your own mug of beer and not being nosy/having good manners. It comes from somewhere over there in Europe...

Will said...

Awesome.

But ask yourself, would you rather she hear it from you, so you can put it in the proper context, or some random kid on the playground that doesn't understand the word themselves?

Fuckin-a bubba. Fuckin-a.

Ash said...

Oh how funny, our 3 year old has said several things recently that he has heard Mummy say and has instantly repeated. I was trying to get kids in the car in a real hurry and I dropped something (no it wasn't a child!) and muttered "oh shit." Even when you spell it they copy that too so enjoy it while you can, they are smart little b-u-g-g-e-r-s ;-)

Putz said...

listening

Ed said...

Yeah--spelling won't work either. You're just going to have to relearn language.

nutsinmay said...

At age two, my youngest sister cheerfully told an old lady in a supermarket to shut the F.U.C.K up. Yep. She spelt it out. 'Shut the Eff You See Kay up!', in tones of triumph.

You have been warned.

Also, you have now made me think of a colleague's anus and I want to die, boil my brain in bleach, and then die again.

Ms. Moon said...

DadddyX- I had a friend who, unlike me, did not curb her swearing around her children. She could not understand why her three year old's every other word was "fuck".
Now myself? I don't curse around my kids until they're approximately seventeen or so. It's like a rite of passage. "Ah! I must be grown up! Mother is swearing while I am in the room."
And hey! I wrote about this a long time ago. It's at
http://blessourhearts.blogspot.com/2008/07/educating-our-young.html
if you want to go there. It's pretty fucking funny.

tiff(threeringcircus) said...

You just wait until s/he calls you a 'ballsac'.

Nice.

Russ said...

P's and Q's, Pint and Quarts. Snopes.com has a pretty good run down of it. Just wait until he/she starts parroting whatever you say. That's fun.

Middle Aged Woman said...

Teaching little fitz to spell early, are we? And Apparently you work with naked people?

Shanny said...

Thanks, now I have this disgusting image of all the coffee in my bosse's stomach swirling up as he tightens his anus.... great...

QoB said...

just make like the TV Irishmen and call the kid a fupping baxtard. problem solved!

Tanya said...

Of course it would be great...but there are some things I'm glad I cant see.

When my Emily was in the womb she used to calm everytime she heard music of any sort. She still loves music and I play it to send her to sleep! so they do hear everything!

I also swore and still do, I have to stop that before she learns to talk!

frogpondsrock said...

You don't have to understand, you just have to obey... Sounds like you have been to a few interesting house parties as well.

A Free Man said...

Start playing it music. That's good fun, especially when it starts moving around in time.

rachelbk said...

I haven't been able to curb my frequent swearing in my 11.5 years of parenthood. My daughter is always telling me to stop swearing because it embarasses her. I'm pretty sure Farty, at the ripe old age of 16 months, says 'oh shit.' Or something very close to that. Hoping he grows out of that by kindergarten. I'm also hoping that it's reverse psychology in action...get them so used to swearing that it's not a novelty, it's something their weird and uncool mom does, and they'd never want to be like that.

Erin said...

Bonus points to you for thinking of interesting uses for human transparency!

Jenni said...

has ET felt any flutters yet?

translucent skin grosses me out.

People in the Sun said...

Don't worry about it. Fitz doesn't understand your Irish accent.

James (SeattleDad) said...

I could do without watching any of my co-workers anuses. Ewwww.

Translucent is pretty cool though.

Veronica said...

I don't think I need to see anyone's anus thankyouverymuch. I get enough of that in my daily life without translucent people adding to it.

But yeah, cool.

Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

dude that aint cool.

It is AWESOME.

And I listen to you...

He he he...

There was a cartoon my kids used to watch called Inside Out Boy. Apparently he swung all the way around the swing set and turned himself inside out. That, my friend, is waaaaaay cooler.

River said...

Like the others said, start playing it music. After a while you'll notice which music makes bub dance and which calms her down. Later when she's unsettled you'll find the same music will help to settle her into sleep.

Quickroute said...

Start teaching Dutch profanities - the Irish ones will in the genes

Arizaphale said...

Just dropped by from A Freeman's site and so delighted to hear your news. (I read for a bit a while ago)
You are in for one wild ride man :-D
Oh and if it's listening, better play it some Stones....at 2 my daughter could sing 'You Can't Always Get What You Want...'.... very useful.

Karen MEG said...

I am loving how much you are loving this whole journey, the magical mystery tour that you're taking us on. It's an awesome reminder of the beauty of life.

So now, watch your "fuck"s because you don't want your little one coming out with a potty mouth. Just sayin'.

WhatAboutNovember said...

transparency everywhere. :)

AnnB said...

I wouldn't worry too much, as it is a scientific fact that no kid ever listens to word said by their parents. You should be safe enough for the next 18 years.

areyoukiddingme said...

I thought you were Irish. Don't you still have translucent skin? I do, and my Irish genes have even been diluted. Which then leads to the question: Since the phlebotomist can actually SEE my veins clearly through my skin, why is it so f-u-c-k-i-n-g difficult to insert a needle in one? (Sorry, didn't want to burn little Fitz's ears)

Hockeyman said...

That would be a bad idea as then everyone would know who is full of shit. People would know who has shit for brains, and we'd see the brain produce it as you started to speak shit from your mouth.

Besides, swear words are just words. Who made them bad? Nothing bad about those words as opposed to these words. It's all the context of the usage. With enough projection, you could call someone a nutty fruitcake and have the same context as dumb shit mother fucker. Read a nursery rhyme and randomly insert cock sucker into the text, it's not so bad is it? Although it would make Dora much more tolerable if she did say that, it's all about the context.

Bonnie B. said...

Can I snicker at your Freudian slip - "titbit" instead of "tidbit"?? Or have you just been skipping ahead to the chapters on breastfeeding?

And oh yeah - just wait until you have to DRIVE without swearing because the kid's in the car. Hardest. Thing. Ever.

Momo Fali said...

When my daughter was born, 10 weeks early, we could still see through her skin. C-R-E-E-P-Y.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Christa - Kinky!

@hotmamamia - Plenty of Neil Sedaka then!

@Mwa - Welcome!

@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] - in the genes!

@womb for improvement - Well I am shocked.

@Lorza - Clever clogs :-)

@Kori - Mais Oui!

@steph - Get Cosy!

@Karen - Over here in socialist madness Europe!

@Will - Heh, that's the way to approach it

@Ash - Hahahaha

@Putz - have to watch my tongue around you ;-)

@Ed - Wat zeg je?

@nutsinmay - That is simply priceless.

@Ms. Moon - I'll check it out ;-)

@tiff(threeringcircus) - aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahaha , happen to you?

@Russ - gah! two folks got there before you!

@Middle Aged Woman - They prefer o be called 'naturalists'!

@Shanny - enjoy!

@QoB - Begorrah and Bejaysus!

@Tanya - I'm working on that!

@frogpondsrock - Moi? Never.

@A Free Man - Thing is, I would get carried away and spend longer preparing the music than playing it!

@rachelbk - not a hope, you're screwed...

@Erin - there are other uses?

@Jenni - only from me ;-)

@People in the Sun - Oi vey....

@James (SeattleDad) - mental image...for life...

@Veronica - aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahaha

@Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo - swing sets are SO 1980s

@River - I'll be right on it!

@Quickroute - Klootzaak.

@Arizaphale - Aw cheers thanks!

@Karen MEG - What's not to love? :-)

@WhatAboutNovember - need a tissue?

@AnnB - My thoughts exactly actually

@areyoukiddingme - I am pretty transparent myself actually

@Hockeyman - my brain hurts now...

@Bonnie B. - actually, spellchecker corrected my original tidbit to titbit!

@Momo Fali - C O O L. the skin bit, not the 10 weeks early bit.

Dondi Tiples said...

I remember being so careful and paranoid about everything we said around my pregnant tummy.
Hope you guys put speakers on E.T.'s belly at night and play music to little ectoplasmic Fitz with supersensitive ears.

bsouth said...

Hmm. I've got nothing for you on this one. I can't think of a single way round it.

My new favourite expletive is "nuts". It's not quite as satisfying as "fuckshitbuggerwank" but it does the job.

Icy Mt. said...

Better enjoy it now because in another 10-15 years they won't listen to damn word.