Thursday, 20 August 2009

Purely hypothetical, naturally...

Once upon a time, long long ago, a single sperm emerged from from a tribe of billions.

Armed with nothing more than a puffed chest, retracted shoulders, and a fledgling sense of direction, he came to win.

Fresh from the trials of being launched at breakneck speed, washed, spun, and launched again, he emerged victorious.

The first, and only to reach the summit of the tallest mountain in the promised land.

There he did feast, make merry, deliver his genetic cargo, and in his wake left the beginnings of another leaf to the great tree of humanity.

In that very spot, now grows a human. Feet and ears and forehead and ribs and future wobbly bits.
In that very spot, he or she sits and grows and waits.
in that very spot, he or she listens and watches.

My question is, what does it see?

More to the point, what does it see when ET loses control of her passions and has her wicked way with me?

Does it float there, gumming on its little fist, watching all-too-infrequently deployed shoals of man-milk flurry aimlessly around its environment?

Do little groups of sperm mange to find their way through the cervix and up into the kidlet's playground?

Is it sitting there with an incomprehensible sense of déjà vu as it watches hundreds of replays of its own previous adventure?

Is the wee one aware of the genetic genocide taking place just millimetres away?

Are there dozens of redundant sperm warriors sprayed across its amniotic sac like insects on a windscreen?

Will we even need to bother with 'the birds & the bees' lessons?

Cold shower time, methinks.


48 comments:

jothemama said...

Um. I would assume the mucous plug that keeps the baby from falling out also keeps the sperm from getting in?

Lots of people have memories of being in the womb and seeing the sun shining in, lighting things up warm and red. Like when you shine a torch through your closed fingers.

battynurse said...

OMG. The pictures that I see in my mind when reading this are just to scary to consider. The picture of little dead spermies squashed on a windshield.

nutsinmay said...

My dear chap, now that ET is pregnant, her cervix has very cleverly sealed itself, so your sperm can't get in. Nor can anything else that might disturb the inner ecosystem or cause an infection. No swirls at all.

I read a report somewhere that when a pregnant lady *ahem* does the deed, her foetus gets a rush of endorphins too, and that it's very good for the foetus's neurological and circulatory development, so all is good.

Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

as a badtempered little man said to me once:

'Vile.

I'm all for openness, but there's a level of detail I just don't need.'

That about sums it up.

frogpondsrock said...

...watching all-too-infrequently deployed shoals of man-milk...

The infrequency will get more frequent in just a few short months.

Quickroute said...

cold shower and tap with a cold spoon me thinks

mammydiaries said...

"I read a report somewhere that when a pregnant lady *ahem* does the deed, her foetus gets a rush of endorphins too, and that it's very good for the foetus's neurological and circulatory development, so all is good."

What nutsinmay says is true, however, the woman MUST reach orgasm for the babs to get those lovely endorphins, not just have her cervix unceremoniously nailed into place. Happy mommy means happy baby!

Ms. Moon said...

The more love the happier and better all around.

womb for improvement said...

I was having my lunch.

Can we have a warning in future?

RRP said...

I was thinking of this very topic last night.

Not about you and ET of course.
Just in general.

I envision the little rascal floating around, and when the troops swim by, he waves to his old friends. You know, the ones he reconizes from his "younger days."

Sarah said...

Oh good grief. Please tell me you arent one of those guys thats afraid he is going to "poke the baby"...

Putz said...

remember the whole point was never that et would could or should have her way with you....the whole point was fitz or fiss...so this barage of new activity from his her point of view is just so much tinker in the toolshed

Russ said...

Well, the amniotic sack should keep Fitz save and sound.

What are you going to write about in the third trimester...

Nic said...

LOL, sick and wrong images in my head! I am still laughing though!!

areyoukiddingme said...

I thought you were reading those pregnancy books now - you know, the ones that tell you whether the future eyes have moved around from the sides of the head to the front? They cover this topic endlessly.

Middle Aged Woman said...

Maybe it's just me, but I'm not bothered reading aboout the continued poking of ET. Really, it was all we read about for a couple of years, wasn't it? How nice is it to be able to 'do the deed' without having to wonder whether you've conceived this time? It must be very freeing. Boff away!

Sadia said...

The personalities that emerged with our twins, and the relationship they had clearly already formed by the time they were born, made me rather glad that the doctor had banned us from carnal acts several months prior to the birth. They would have definitely had an inkling of what was going on.

Re: the actual sperm ... it's already been said above.

Marissa said...

LUCKILY you dirty bastard, its eyes are still fused tightly shut, shielded from your nasty man juice spray.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!

Ed said...

Hey, I'm just glad to hear that you're still doing the deed. Keep on!

Hockeyman said...

The baby pops out, punches you in the face, spits on you and asks how you like it. Then all is forgotten because you are even. Luckily babies can't count so they don't go 1 for 1.

Lorza said...

"Are there dozens of redundant sperm warriors sprayed across its amniotic sac like insects on a windscreen?" That is such a hysterical image. I honestly have never even thought about it. hummm.

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

You are clearly delusional.

suzannanana said...

I told you life was about to get very good. :)

MissyBoo said...

Remember we talked about the fact that this baby can now swallow??? *smirk*

Rachel said...

Sorry, your 'man milk' has lost all access to ET's cervix. But the good news is that when she's sick of being pregnant after 40 weeks of it, the prostoglandins in your 'man milk' can work on the cervix and start labor. That is, if she lets you anywhere near her cervix at 40 weeks pregnant. More likely, she'll beat you to a pulp if you even suggest it.

Chelsea Lietz said...

Disturbing... but not surprising.

Veronica said...

"Are there dozens of redundant sperm warriors sprayed across its amniotic sac like insects on a windscreen?"

Giggling madly. And it's too early for this kind of giggling, so uh, thanks.

ModernMommaBlog said...

A little graphic, but super funny!

Bonnie B. said...

I picture Little Fitz sticking out his tongue at the "warriors" and giving them the big "Nyah! I got here first!" She/he IS a child afterall, right?

hotmamamia said...

OMG...I cannot believe how your brain works...I was visualizing the entire time and thinking how deeply I am going to feel for little Fitz upon his/her arrival...dealing with such a creative and deranged daddy!

p.s. The kidlet cannot see, but it sure as hell can hear and feel what is going on....PORN star!

Hyphen Mama said...

I'll save the scientific explanations for everybody else... and tell you that as an educated (EDUCATED!! mind you) 31 year-old woman pregnant with her first child, I was convinced my baby would be born with a penis sized dent in her forehead. Apparently, pregnancy hormones caused me to forget the whole "cervix" and "pubic bone" anatomy that separated the love canal from the bakery.

Jared said...

The windshield one had me rolling. I could just see the baby searching for the switch that turns on the wipers and washer fluid... :D

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@jothemama - Has an Irish baby ever seen the sun shine in?

@battynurse - hehe

@nutsinmay - now thats what I like to hear

@Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo - MEH

@frogpondsrock - :-)

@Quickroute - where do I tap her with the spoon?

@mammydiaries - oh well, cant win em all...

@Ms. Moon - mad hippy...

@womb for improvement - really, what did you expect?

@RRP - great minds!

@Sarah - Puhlease!

@Putz - You're my favourite Mormon!

@Russ - Portugeese history in the 15th century.
Maybe.

@Nic - job done!

@areyoukiddingme - endlessly? not so'

@Middle Aged Woman - hypothetical poking!

@Sadia - hahaha

@Marissa - quite the vision there...

@Ed - Hypothetical!

@Hockeyman - aaaaaaaaaaaaahaha

@Lorza - Think outside the box, so to speak!

@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] - well, yes, and?

@suzannanana - always good!

@MissyBoo - Noooooooooooooooooo!.

@Rachel - Duly noted!

@Chelsea Lietz - perfect!

@Veronica - giggling is timeless

@ModernMommaBlog - graphic? hmmm, you havent read many older entries I'm guessing?
;-)

@Bonnie B. - thats more like it!

@hotmamamia - you say deranged like its a bad thing.

@Hyphen Mama - well if that were the case, it would be a very very small dent in our case.

@Jared - hahah, the lights flashing, horn beeping until they find the right one....

Tanya said...

I used to think the same thing, but there is a mucus plug that stops anything getting into the environment. Can you imagine how the new soldiers feel, getting to their destination to find that it is locked up??? lol

the planet of janet said...

well.

that gives us all something to think about now, doesn't it?

ew.

Our Crooked Tree said...

I am with Sarah..I wouldn't worry too much about poking him:)

B said...

woah, hold on, wait there a second now, Jo, "Lots of people have memories of being in the womb and seeing the sun shining in, lighting things up warm and red. Like when you shine a torch through your closed fingers."

Really?

WhatAboutNovember said...

wow. i can see you've given this considerable thought...

Jane G said...

You think too much :o)

Karen MEG said...

Whoo, never thought of it that way before. But then why would I, it's ... weird ;).

But bravo to ET for having the energy, seriously.

Muskrat said...

I don't think I want to know the answer to this question, or another one I had when the Mrs was pregnant that involved swallowing certain things.

memart said...

I don't know. but as a female Dr. once said, "Sex is always good unless there are problems" A little randy are you? Do it now, you'll be cut off for a while after. And remember, time to go have it? Sex on a beach ball.

People in the Sun said...

The other day I was peeing, and all of a sudden I see a fly from the corner of my eye, and before I know what's going on, I catch it, throw it in the bowl, and continue to pee on its corpse.

Maybe the weirdest thing I've ever done.

Why am I telling you that? Because it's probably a remnant of the time I swam better than everyone else, only stopping every once in a while to pee on my dead friends' corpses.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Tanya - poor buggers

@the planet of janet - Enjoy :-)

@Our Crooked Tree - i think it's sfe...

@B - yeah Jo!

@WhatAboutNovember - Mai oui!

@Jane G - Without a doubt.

@Karen MEG - hypothetically!

@Muskrat - Vile. just vile.

@memart - What scary arse hospital were you at?

@People in the Sun - It took me several reads to realise that I didn't need to call some form of authorities, but I got there.

bsouth said...

your mental imagery is, as always, fabulous although slightly disturbing.

Angela said...

I haven't checked your blog in a while (found via Matt Logelin's site). Congrats on the pregancy!!!!

Blues said...

The fetus is watching those sperm bump heads and chase their tails and thinks, "What a bunch of chumps. They don't have a clue what they're doing". And then mature, peachy Fitz, with all his/her wisdom and experience sits back and gloats.

Dondi Tiples said...

we have this running joke, my husband and i, of how our babies would come out with white sediment stuck to the tops of their heads from all "activity". hrhrhrhr!