Thursday, 6 August 2009

Reportcard

I make a lot of people sick.

I know that those of you still struggling to conceive must regularly want to embed a stiletto heel into my windpipe, so just for you, I'm going to irritate other expectant couples.

Yesterday we hit 12 weeks.

In those 12 weeks not one fluid ounce of vomit has passed ETs lips. We had one single day flirting with nausea but other than that ET has felt great.

She could stake a claim for a medal in many Olympic sleeping and urinating events, and occasionally her mood has swung more than your average middle class English couple on a dirty weekend away, but all in all the first 12 weeks have passed without a hitch.

Therefore, I was ready to give the whole human harvesting experience to date a B+.

That was until yesterday.

Yesterday, on the stroke of 12 weeks, she 'popped'.

I came home to find her hiding behind a bump. One serious looking bump. In the absence of photographic evidence, I can only best give an indication of how much of a bump it is by saying that I think the kidlet wants to be born in November.

Maybe it's thinking of the tax benefits of an early appearance, maybe ET is part sheep, or maybe my uber man milk is so potent upon direct application that it has initiated the gestation of a superhuman.

Today, she was planning to inform specific colleagues at work about the pregnancy. The bump saved her the bother. The most recent report I received from her was that she had just been brought ice cream.

Regardless of how she seems to be mercilessly taking a confectionary advantage of the situation, the stealthy manner in which the bump has appeared makes me award a last minute A- to the first 12 weeks.

Now, anyone know how I can have a door widened?


64 comments:

AnnD said...

I love baby bumps! That's usually when the bump appears though if she is anything like me, the bump gets bigger and bigger as the day goes on and is nearly gone when she wakes up in the morning! Soooo frustrating! Just when it becomes pat-able too! Tell her to be on the look out for kicks, I've read some women feel them as early as 13 weeks!

Susanica said...

I can't imagine what you'll write X box when you can actually feel and see little Fitz punching and kicking away at ET's bump. Congrats on the 12 unscathed weeks! -M

Rachel said...

Hmmm, I'd keep those door widening comments to myself, were I you...with the bump comes irrational mood swings and sensitivity, along with tendencies toward violence.
Congrats though!

Sarah said...

How can you not have a picture?! I mean we had to see a picture of some lady in a blue coat and a hookers house boat that sunk!

But no pics of the pregnant wife?

For shame.

mammydiaries said...

I was thinking the same thing. Three pics of the same blue dress and no baby bump? For shame x box! for shame!

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

Again, I'm reminded how fortunate I am to NOT have you as my husband for calling me fat on the interwebs.

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

And I'm betting you'd still win a biggest belly contest in your house.

M+B said...

A bump... it just makes it all the more real :)

I agree with Rachel though, keep the door widening comments to yourself ;)

WhatAboutNovember said...

hahaha. awesome. :)

Russ said...

Awesome dude! You just wait. You just wait.

Immoral Matriarch said...

Aww! I wish we could see the bump - I loooveeee baby bumps.

So, can I have your XBox? Or has that been given away already?

expatswede said...

Well, how cool is that? Please do share a piccie of the bump. Pretty please?

WiseGuy said...

And you cannot manage a picture? Liar.

Making Babies said...

WE WANT PICS!!!!! :)

Ms Avery said...

Ah well, ye've earned it :)

Clair said...

I love the way bump can appear, just like that.

Middle Aged Woman said...

By the time my first pregnancy was 36 weeks along, Husband wanted to assign my rear end its own postal code. He called me "Pregnant Lady Action Figure." Bastard.

Karen MEG said...

How sweet is that, nothing more wonderful than a baby bump.

12 weeks, yay!

So, not to scare you guys or anything, but I was showing at 6 weeks for baby #1, and 8 weeks for baby #2, and I was doing a pretty good impression of the leaning tower of Pisa for the last month of carrying the girl...that's how big my bump was. I suppose it didn't help that I also had very little nausea and a voracious appetite.

And just because the calendar and timing says one thing, babies will come when they want... for mine, both were 4 weeks early.

But that just meant an extra 4 weeks to enjoy the beauty of being parents.

suzannanana said...

Now the fun begins, second trimester, energy, growing baby bump, so excited for both of you!Pictures please..

Bonnie B. said...

I think ET's gonna widen that door just by throwing you through it - sideways!!

Mwa said...

Yay! A bump! I'm too excited by your story.

I'm in the "desperately trying to conceive lot", but I swear you don't make me sick. Even though having two kids already probably has something to do with that.

For a complete delurk: I'm the "anonymous" that suggested gay porn when you asked how other people begat their babies. I have now got to the no shame stage. Or the not quite so much shame stage anyway. Actually, I still have that Brokeback Mountain video. Ehm, I'm off now...

Nadine said...

Yay for bumps! Does this mean she gets to go shopping :))

I cannot wait for the belly button popped out post :) The do... sometimes... pop out!

Ginny said...

Um, just playing devil's advocate, but are you SURE there's only one X-boxlet in there?

steph said...

"Yesterday, on the stroke of 12 weeks, she 'popped'."

Blimey! I read that as bad news at first but it's okay, I'll forgive you for your excitement on reaching this lovely milestone.

Best hide the bit in the book(s) about stretch marks!

Mwa said...

No! Don't hide those bits in the book, just remember to rub in lots of oil. I used cheap almond oil from the Body Shop, and that worked great. I have some, but it's not too bad.

Jenni said...

Have you heard the heartbeat yet? Because that's gonna kill you where you stand.

Loving you loving all of this...

Elfinamsterdam said...

Glad someone bought ET and LilFitz some icecream.... it got to 33.5 today I was wondering if the bump was making the heat worse!

Send hugs from me... xx

Ms. Moon said...

Sweetness...
And I do not like the term "bump". It's not a bump. It's a belly. In my world, anyway. The world of me. Which is the one that counts. To me. And I love pregnant bellies. I kissed my daughter's today, forgetting that I was wearing lipstick. "Mom!" she cried. "Now I have to go around all day with a lip print on my shirt! And that's not going to come out!"
Oh well.

Kath said...

Yay for the bump!! My elder sister is due to have her second in September, so she's like a beached whale at the minute! And she loves it :)

And, if you don't get my @ on twitter (because they go wrong all the time), maplin and asda will deliver to Ireland, and they both have some digital cameras, not the best range but it's something to consider. Hope that helps!

frogpondsrock said...

A superhuman indeed...YAY

Now for some strange reason I keep on thinking of those buddha statuettes, (the ones that you are supposed to rub their belly for luck) Gah my brain is all fuzzy..

womb for improvement said...

Are you calling your wife fat? Do you have some kind of death wish?

Monique said...

A door widened? LOL. Hope she doesn't see that post! Thanks for stopping by the blog today. Your ears must have been ringing because for the past week or so I've had this itching suspicion that in my blog-reading absence you got yourselves knocked up! And I'm so incredibly overjoyed to have been right. Congratulations!!! 12 weeks shamefully late.

Ash said...

I have to agree, where is the pic ?!
I loved being pregnant with both of mine, so much so that I'd really like to do it again. I hope ET enjoys it as much as I did.

Veronica said...

Well hey, if she's 'popped' the urinating should start to ease off.

And I'm just not going to talk about the nausea with you. Hmmph. (I'm pleased she's feeling great though. Morning sickness is horrid)

memart said...

Congratulations! So sorry to be late with my cond... er... well wishes! Seriously, every baby is a package of huge potential and they change so much. Anyone who says baby's are not cute is nuts.
@Dto3, how dare you bring politics like that here! (previous post) Have you looked at your medical bills lately? I have.

Nikki aka Widdle Shamrock said...

OMG !!!!

If you were my husband and wrote that on a blog, I would feckin' knee cap you.

Congrats !!!! And so pleased it is going without a hitch

Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

Dead man walking.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@AnnD - this bump ain't going anywhere!

@Susanica - neither can I!

@Rachel - heh, thanks ;-)

@Sarah - We have pictures, but you ain't getting them.

@mammydiaries - Tough ;-)

@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] - I would. SO?

@M+B - what! we have a narrow door?

@WhatAboutNovember - Tis !

@Russ - I bloody am!

@Immoral Matriarch - Hmmmm, nope!

@expatswede - no go Im afraid!

@WiseGuy - I can, but I wont.

@Making Babies - You can want all you like!

@Ms Avery - :-)

@Clair - Yes, Its great to see.

@Middle Aged Woman - hahahaha....

@Karen MEG - and more maternity leave!

@suzannanana - looking forward to it!

@Bonnie B. - :-)

@Mwa - hahahaha...

@Nadine - looks likely!

@Ginny - 2 scans, if they missed a 2nd one in there I'm suing.

@steph - haha, all under control

@Mwa - yeah Bio Oil is already in stock in huge quantities.

@Jenni - I havent! maybe next midwife trip, fingers crossed.

@Elfinamsterdam - bloody hot isnt it?

@Ms. Moon - I like bump! I have a belly, she has a bump.

@Kath - thanks for the tip!

@frogpondsrock - heheh

@womb for improvement - show me where I used that word?

@Monique - Thanks :-)

@Ash - No way, no how ;-)

@Veronica - ;-)

@memart - hehehe, I'm more than happy to defend the merits of a health system that doesn't exclude people.

@Nikki aka Widdle Shamrock - Too sensitive you are...

@Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo - Eddie Vedder?

Monty said...

You'll never find a better time to get the missus trained in belly dancing.

River said...

I found I always enjoyed each pregnancy more once I could see the bump and feel the kicks.
Glad it's all going well for both of you.

Sinead said...

Yeah I am jealous! I felt wretched morning, noon and night with both pregnancies and my sister NOTHING!!! Had she been near me when she told me that I think I might have poured a five day old mixture of milk and orange juice down her throat just so she had some idea of how I felt.

AnnD said...

Okay, I was going to say something in my last comment but declined, afraid of making you mad. But now that other people have begged for them, I will too...


P.O.S.T. P.I.C.T.U.R.E.S.

Deb said...

Whoo-hooo!!

myndful said...

Have to agree with Nadine about the belly button...it, along with many of both of your favorite of ET's bits, are likely to be permanently changed, even after the bump is long gone. Take pictures of those favorite bits, so you'll have something to remember them by!

As for stretch marks, I used cocoa butter on my belly twice a day from the day I found out and not one stretch mark. However, I didn't realize that stretch marks can pop in all the places that stretch...liberally apply everywhere for best results :)

Jasper Mockingbard said...

I thought you just hoist large objects, like pianos, sofas and pregant woman through the upstairs window/door in the Netherlands.

AKA "Meesh" said...

I think you deserve an A+, and I'm obsessed with your writing. Just bein' honest.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Monty - That's just sexist. (noted...)

@River - I can really see how that would be the case. Thanks.

@Sinead - I can just picture you there ranting... ;-)
Makes me chuckle.

@AnnD - Not gonna happen :-)

@Deb - Thats what I said!

@myndful - The bio oil is already out in force, must remind her to rub it all over... or volunteer

@Jasper Mockingbard - Exactly!
I'll hoist her up !

@AKA "Meesh" - That's very kind, thank you.
Assuming you didn't mean it in an 'I'm going to find and kill you' way.
;-)

James (SeattleDad) said...

No vomiting. You both are so lucky. No really, that is awesome.

Tracey said...

Awwww, you have a bump? Yay to bumps! Do you know that her belly button will pop out soon? That's adorable too.

•´.¸¸.•¨¯`♥.Trish.♥´¯¨•.¸¸.´• said...

a beautiful baby bump how sweetb the sound of it

Tanya said...

A Bump! No hiding that anymore...

12 weeks is the 'safe' point lol. I was edgy until I hit the 12 week mark.

I had such a big bump at 14 weeks that everyone who didn't know me was saying 'not long now....' lol

If the bump is pointy its meant to be a boy and if its round its meant to be a girl. It was right for me. But you're not going to show pictures are you!!!!

EmmaK said...

had not been back for a while and delighted to find out that your wife is pregnant. I hope you are not one of those people who says 'we are pregnant' it is a bit silly. I know you gave her one of your lads but that's as far as your involvement with the conception went. Oh yes, now you have a happy ending I can feel a book deal for you in my waters.

Anonymous said...

I can't believe she slid into the 2nd Trimester without 1oz of vomit...NOT FAIR!
Deno

Miss Awesome said...

Shit, I was showing before I even knew I was pregnant. Good for her, taking that long to "pop"! LOL!!!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@James (SeattleDad) - yep! getting away with murder!

@Tracey - Hehe

@Trish - enjoyable, that's for sure.

@Tanya - Nope ;-)

@EmmaK - I'll have to double check but I don't think I have. I MAY have said 'we are expecting'.

Heh, I wasn't even involved in getting her knocked up!

Cheers, now if only someone in a position to offer one had the same idea ;-)

@Deno - What can I say eh?

@Miss Awesome - maybe you didn't realise until 6 months?

Hyphen Mama said...

ET deserves an easy pregnancy! And lots of ice cream. And foot rubs.

LceeL said...

Uber man milk?

bsouth said...

Hurray for 12 weeks! I'm so pleased. And well done her for not taking the opportunity to throw up in your shoes. She's a good woman. Not sure I'd have been able to resist.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Hyphen Mama - I don't do feet. Uh-oh.

@LceeL - When washed and spun and separated and concentrated at least.
Could hang wallpaper with it!

@bsouth - now now, that's not very lady like is it?

B said...

Does the dutch grading system peak at A or A+? ...maybe there's another grading level after that?

I think they've got rid of the urinating tournament at the olympics, they're trying to strip down to the more essential tournaments.

hotmamamia said...

That is so funny! That happened to my niece who actually married my nephew 6 months early because of the unexpected bun in the oven which the SECOND they returned from their honeymoon was a telling bump...no hiding then and the counting backwards was a fun game for one and all not in the know!

THis is really the best part now...don't miss the chance to take monthly pics...you GOTTA do it to record the changes and then look back and say 'holy shit...I didn't know I could stretch like that!!!!'

A Free Man said...

Do you live in one of those spiral-staircased terrace houses of which the Dutch are so inexplicably fond? Because that could become problematic.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@B - This is a special grading system, in my head.

@hotmamamia - Pictures re being taken.

@A Free Man - Heh, we actually do!

Dondi Tiples said...

post a pic! post a pic!