Monday 30 July 2007

Monster With Green Eyes

I've hit a sticky wicket !
No, I'm not referring to the clean up following one of our seed sowing sessions (eeeuw, gross I know, sorry) but rather I'm talking about a battle of conscience I find myself in.

I (Indeed, 'we', lest I be accused of gong off half-cocked (again, no sordid pun intended))... I find myself longing for a child. In itself not a great problem, I feel a bit silly occasionally, not being a typically manly man thing to want, but, I know on the whole it's a good thing.
I'm approaching it sensibly, good home, financially stable, reasonably healthy, strong marriage, and a truck load of love ready to give away at no extra cost, and so on the face of it, no Wrinkly Goo Covered Blob could wish for a better environment to come into.

BUT... if or when we do have our own WGCB, it will be coming home to a lie !
I will of course set out to teach right from wrong and lead by good example, while all the time the WGCB won't be aware of the fact that it's dad has been consumed by jealousy in the very preparation for his or her existence ! Yep, the green eyed monster has snook (sneaked? snaked? oh, whatever...) up on me and given me a wedgie.

A good friend of mine was blessed with a baby boy this weekend past and another friend's wife is due to give birth in September, and while these are genuine friends, and I am honestly delighted for them both, in the last 2 months or so I find myself being ridiculously jealous of them.

Obviously as we are trying to conceive, my mind is more focussed on WGCBs than ever, and I find my gaze is being held longer and longer by passing families as I wonder how our WGCB would compare to theirs, but I simply cannot get my oversized head around this pang of actual real jealousy I get every single time.

Now my dilema is, if it were a new HDTV I was coveting, I could cope with the aftermath and simply ignore that 'conscience' but ironically, it wouldn't be a TV looking back at me, it would be a morally unblemished human.

How could I face someone that I wished everything good for, and would give anything to, in the knowledge that their creation came about amidst the ugliest of emotions...

...And worse still, if it were to have it's mammy's eyes, then I'd really be f***ed.

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