Friday 10 August 2007

When You Don't Conceive

What do you do when you don't conceive?
I don't mean in terms of tests or treatments, which are a million miles off at the moment anyway, but rather how do you pick yourself up and get on with being a fully functioning spouse, friend, or employee.

I'm a bit of an obsessive person, when I set my mind on something, it gets 100% of my attention, focus and energy. This can be very good in some respects, especially with work and socially.
But what happens when what you focus on isn't totally within your control?

I foolishly believed, as did many others from what I've since read, that once we decided to start our family that it would happen as simple as ABC. This hasn't been the case, and in retrospect that's no great surprise considering the statistics, but it doesn't make it any easier to swallow.

People have even commented to me that it's taken them 18 months. Frankly, I could not last that long, my sanity certainly couldn't.

For the last 24 hours I've struggled to hold a conversation with my wife, and today isn't looking any better. I know we are both dissapointed and a bit of quiet time is good for relection etc but what happens after 4, 5, 6 months and further ? In the long run this cannot be good for anyone involved.

So, now I'm not struggling with the (blatently premature) notion of not having a family, but with the thought of how I would or would not react to and handle this.

Then again, in a moment of philosophical vividness, I think that perhaps this is nature's way of preparing me for being a parent, trying to iron out my obsessive tendencies and laying out in full colour before me the fact that I will not be able to control what, when and where things happen.

Well, thats the silver plated lining that's getting me through for now at least....

I think I will bring flowers home to my wife this evening, just to tell her that I'm not intentionally being a 'james blunt' and they won't even be even service station ones either....


Anonymous said...

You're a great writer! I'm sorry to hear that this month was disappointing news and though I could never say I really know what you are going through, I do remember when my hubby and I were trying and thought we had missed the boat for that month. It was excruciating to contemplate how many more months we might have to try. And I don't like to think of freebie sex like that usually.

So, I'll say what cannot do anything but make you feel none the better and yet there's nothing else for a complete stranger to say but: Chin up! The odds are still totally in your favor. And, blah blah blah. See, none the better, right?

Well, better luck in two weeks and hope you don't mind if I add you to my blogroll. You really are an exceptional writer. Damn funny too.

Martin said...

Hi Monique

While true there isn't much one can say in this situation it's nice when people make the effort, so 'chin up' is good advice !

As always, things seem a bit brighter again after the first day or so of disappointment so we are ready for road again !

Thanks for the kind words, I will return the favour and add your blog, which I had already been reading.


Anonymous said...

Trust me, chin up is very good advice, but that doesn't make it any easier! It was a 5 year roller coaster for us, but I will tell you this, when it does happen, it is even that much more joyous and wonderful, if that is possible! Having a sense of humor will definitely get you through and being there for your wife will help her get through. Wishing you success sooner than later!

Robin J said...

Not having been in your situation I can only imagine the anxiety but I do know often the more attachment we have to something the harder it is....I would let go and let God whoever whatever you percieve that to be......and let go of any matter what it sounds like you have a special partner and a great relationship :o)

Unknown said...

Flowers are good. But it will happen. The Wife and I went a year before we finally conceived. Apparently the body doesn't always know what it's doing at first when it comes to child-making. But you still can't help but worry about it all the same. Good luck!!!

And as for your question about the Irish Fair on my blog -- yes, in some ways, it did remind me of Ireland -- the vendors sold the same cheesy Irish souvenirs. And many of the people there were clearly from Ireland.

Martin said...

Lynne, well we definitely have a sense of humour, that's for sure, I'm confident everything will be fine, in time. Although you say 5 years, I have no idea how you managed to get through that.

Robin j,that's one thing for sure, we are good for each other in funny ways, always a help. But I'm not quite ready to let this go to fate just yet. ;-)

DorkyDad, Wow a year, even that seems like an eternity, that would be some test of my patience.
We don't worry about it MOST of the time, just when it's not been succesful there's always a few days of doom and gloom. But onwards and upwards !

Dondi Tiples said...

My ex and I tried for! years to have a child. How in love (and in lust) we were then. Quite young and acrobatic, too. So here comes the husband-to-be, and in less than 5 months got me pregnant with our first child. He was in his thirties, I was 28 - we weren't even trying.
Am not saying you have to wait until your thirties (and meanwhile pull out all your hair in frustration).
Maybe it helps to not try so hard at it? Fling yourselves to the four winds and see what happens. Tense reproductive organs are unproductive reproductive organs, and all that.
Good luck and God bless!
Btw, enjoy the way you write.