Wednesday 27 February 2008

The Sperm Runner

Alarm rings as normal...
Stumble blurry eyed to the bathroom as normal...
Open up the cabinet, & fumble around for toothpaste as normal...

Grab a semen sample pot instead. Now, I'm no genius, so I can't be 100% certain, but I think...I THINK this was the point where today stopped being normal.

Now, I'm not perverted (well, not much), so I'll spare you the gory details.
The container got 'filled', with a socially acceptable ratio of ease and difficulty.
It didn't take so long as to cause mental scarring and anxiety, and it wasn't too fast to add a possible plastic pot fetish to my burden for the day.
(BTW Pet, knocking on the door to announce you were leaving for work didn't help much)

Not a drop misplaced, just as well considering the volume was questionable. (By that I mean the volume of the sample, I wasn’t screaming, out loud at least.)

Having already made surely everything else was ready I made a quick getaway, my precious cargo in my inside pocket.
(For those who've read 'inconceivable' by Ben Elton you'll recall that the character carried his sample down his trousers, to replicate the appropriate temperature, I decided against this, as I haven't quite yet reached the point of no return as regards insanity. Anyway the thought of having to fish it out at it’s destination was too much to bear.)

The lab is part of a nearby hospital, which was surrounded by road works and signs for ‘no parking’ while they were in progress.
My blood chilled at the thought of having to park half a mile away and walk the rest of the way clutching a pot of my own semen, visions of being mugged and having to explain what was taken to the Dutch ‘Politie’ exploded into my head.
Thankfully, the Gods of mortal shame were on my side and I was able to park right in the hospital grounds, and at that unearthly hour of the morning, the only onlookers were the dozens of chickens (don't ask, I don't know why) roaming the hospital surrounds.
(There is a chicken and egg joke in there somewhere, but I'm far too conflustered to work it out)

Onwards I go, plenty of potential death traps behind me, performance, aim, and parking as I march through the main entrance.
With chest out, and chin up, I strolled confidently as if I owned the place, James Bond-like to the reception desk.

I'd peaked too soon...

"I have an 8am appointment with microbiology" I half whispered, half choked at the professionally disinterested 8 foot tall woman behind the desk.
"Follow route 70" she sneered, while looking me up and down.
The game was up, she knew why I was there, I started to panic, she knew what I had in my pocket and I certainly wasn't happy to see her. I turned and walked as fast as my butty little legs could manage without breaking into a jog. As I turned the corridor I'm almost sure I heard her snort and laugh.

After a Left, right, 2 floors up, 3 floors down, a few more lefts, and a handful more rights I ended up outside the door of route 70 - 'Medische Microbiologie'.
I peered through the glass of the door at the back of what I can only describe as the receptionist's bigger, uglier, older brother in a dress and questionably applied make-up.
I knocked. At least I thought I did. No reaction. I knocked again, harder. The beast-head turned around and glared at me, glared towards a sign on the door, then back at me.
Being super quick on the uptake I decided to quickly READ the sign on the door which said 'Patients - don't knock, come in'
Mumbling my apologies I stepped in, mimed that I had an 8am appointment, and proceeded to cower in front of Ms Grizzly Adams.

GA - Have you your laboratory form?
ME - Yes (fumbling in inner pockets), Here.
GA - (Scowling at the one single box ticked on the form) Semen Analysis?
ME - (Whispering) Yes.

GA - Have you your 'Material'?
ME - Yes (now sweaty hands fumbling again in inner pockets), Here.

GA - (Holding the pot between finger and thumb, obviously not impressed with coming into contact at what I KNEW was sweat but she was unsure of) OK. I have a couple of questions.
ME - (To Self) Shit. Here goes.

GA - Have you had a cold in the last week.
ME - No. (To self) That was easy!

GA - Taking any medication?
ME - (Very proud that I had for once written the proper names down) Hydrochlorotheozamowhatsitiozide

GA - (Sighing) Give me the piece of paper. (To self, probably) Idiot.
GA - When did you produce the 'Material'?
ME - (I was torn between desperately wanting to say it wasn't mine at all & running off and asking her when was the last time she performed a sex act on herself, just to even things up.) Less than half an hour ago.

GA - How long did you abstain?
ME - (Hoping that I had understood her correctly and was actually answering the right question) [Insert answer here] (Some things you lot just don't need to know).

GA - I see. Your results will be known by your doctor in 1 to 10 days.
ME - Ok. (While actually meaning) What in the name of Jehova do you mean 1 TO 10 days you hideous creature, what use is that for a timscale, you might as well say 'sometime before Christmas' - Maybe.

GA - Goodbye. (while actually meaning to add) you filthy little man, get out of my sight.
ME - Goodbye. (while actually meaning to add) please take care of my little pot, Frodo had it easy with that ring of his compared to my journey here, and I don't want to have to go through this again.

With that, I turned and ran.

Of course, true to form, it was out the wrong exit.
Turning the key in the ignition, the clock flashed up the time. 8:03am.


Veronica Foale said...

What a debacle.

At least it is done now? I shall be thinking speedy lab analysis thoughts for you.

frog ponds rock... said...

This definitely was the worst part... hehehehe loved the picture of "the Nurse"

fingers crossed xxxx

Martin said...

A kerfuffle indeed!

Welcome into my head.

frog ponds rock... said...

There is something for you at my place.

cheers Kim xxx

Anonymous said...

You need to warn people when they are going to be reading this at work and laugh hysterically. Much more of an adventure than when my hubs gave his "specimen."

Love the pics, too!!

Good luck!

Momo Fali said...

Next time, find yourself a Samwise Gamgee to lead you on your journey.

Martin said...

@FPR - Muchos gracias, go raibh mile maith agat, van hartelijk dank and all that jazz. (thank you ;-) )

@Nola - glad you find my obsession, anxiety and torture entertaining, we aim to please... ;-)

@momo fali - very sharp! I doth my cap in your general direction!

Rachel said...

Oh my hell.
What a riot. This is definitely a great read for a newbie to your blog. You are too fun, your snark and way with a phrase are fabulous.

Jared said...

At least you got to do it in the comfort of your own bathroom. I always thought that you had to go there and produce your "material".

Fingers are crossed that your swimmers are plentiful! :D

Anonymous said...

Yep that was pretty much how my adventure went. Only Grizzley Adams was not there. Good luck on the results. Oh and that was one of the funniest posts I have read, great job, oops post.

Anonymous said...

Oh dear.

Sorry but I did laugh. Sorry.
You told it so well.
Anyhow don't worry about GA that probably the only way she gets to see any 'material' and is secretly coveting your 'pot'
It over for now.
You can get all puffed up again when they tell you that your numbers are great.

Martin said...

@Rachel - thanks very much, it's nice to know that my borderline insanity brings some chuckles! and I was national snark champion 4 years running y'know...

@Jared - You know what, I'm not sure if being at home was any advantage, there's the stress of getting it there timely to worry about. but its done...thanks be to f***!

@Married Leos - I'm more and more surprised how many other fellas have to do the same, Its more common that I ever imagined. Thanks for the compliments, very much appreciated.

@Tiff - Oh Tiff, Oh Tiff, Oh more to say ;-)

Anonymous said...

Just found your blog through cre8Buzz, and I am so glad that I did! You've got a wonderful sense of humor! I'll be back!

Tara R. said...

This shouldn't be as funny as you make it sound... I'm with NOLA I can't read this at work, I will get in trouble for snorting on the job.

Krista said...

I had to read up for a little history... but you have such a way with words I was just about ready to pee my pants! (and that's better left to my son)
I wish you lots of luck!
Hot Mama (hoppin' a little early)

Martin said...

@Stacey - it's great that you could read up. thanks for the kind words. come back anytime ;-)

@Tara.r - Please don't get fired, I don't like my readers to be homeless.
(thanks very much & very welcome!)

@Krista - I'm surprised how much history there is already... it wasn't supposed to go like this !
thanks for the kind wishes, they are very much appreciated.

Anonymous said...

Whew - that gave me as many chuckles, nervous moments and nods of recognition as any movie I've seen in recent years. I swear, I think some people aspire to hospital receptionist jobs because they enjoy seeing people squirm in embarrassment. Thanks for sharing!

Karen MEG said...

Great post. I wish you luck with it. You've given me fabulous insight into the "other side" of the story, stuff I'm sure went on in my hubs' mind but he never thought to share.

Martin said...

@busydad & karen meg - I've even read this back to remind myself it really happened, it was just so surreal.

I just wanna get a bird knocked up already!

NH Yocal said...

Wow, what a fiasco, luckily though, most of the worry was in your head. The nurse pic was hilarious. Now you men have some slight idea of what us gals go through...we get our bodily stuff analyzed one way or another every year (PAP smears and sometimes other stuff) and it can definitely make you a bit self-conscious. Don't worry though, they do this stuff all the time...and they probably told you a long time frame just in case, you will probably get your results much quicker. Keeping fingers crossed for you.

Martin said...

Cheers ;-)

Much appreciated.

Joeprah said...

Ug! That sounds so crazy. Dude, it will all (and is for me now) be laughable in the near future. ...although the volume was questionable...LMAO. You're too much, best of luck of course.

♥.Trish.♥ Drumboys said...

at least you can maintain your sense of humour.Loved the descriptions and commentary.

I think it is every man's worse nightmare. I carried my husband's down my bra.

My hubs would have loved to be able to talk to another fellow about it all ... or maybe not.

Martin said...

@Joeseph - Well I'm glad I've given you a laugh from the depths of my humiliation... less than a week until I get to do it again!

@Baby~Amore - Down your bra ! hahaha brilliant. I was sorely tempted to take it down my trousers but I just imagined the retreval situation at the other end and decided against it.

Being able to joke about it IS a great relief, and would have done your hubby the world of good. Did it all work out for you?...I guess I should follow you and find out !

Sarah said...

Oh my husband just went through this same type of ordeal, I found it hard not to laugh. Though, I know I'm not supposed to. *hangs head*
But dammit, you're funny...and my hubby, well hes pretty damn amusing too! Just they way you tell it.