Alarm rings as normal...
Stumble blurry eyed to the bathroom as normal...
Open up the cabinet, & fumble around for toothpaste as normal...
Grab a semen sample pot instead. Now, I'm no genius, so I can't be 100% certain, but I think...I THINK this was the point where today stopped being normal.
Now, I'm not perverted (well, not much), so I'll spare you the gory details.
The container got 'filled', with a socially acceptable ratio of ease and difficulty.
It didn't take so long as to cause mental scarring and anxiety, and it wasn't too fast to add a possible plastic pot fetish to my burden for the day.
(BTW Pet, knocking on the door to announce you were leaving for work didn't help much)
Not a drop misplaced, just as well considering the volume was questionable. (By that I mean the volume of the sample, I wasn’t screaming, out loud at least.)
Having already made surely everything else was ready I made a quick getaway, my precious cargo in my inside pocket.
(For those who've read 'inconceivable' by Ben Elton you'll recall that the character carried his sample down his trousers, to replicate the appropriate temperature, I decided against this, as I haven't quite yet reached the point of no return as regards insanity. Anyway the thought of having to fish it out at it’s destination was too much to bear.)
The lab is part of a nearby hospital, which was surrounded by road works and signs for ‘no parking’ while they were in progress.
My blood chilled at the thought of having to park half a mile away and walk the rest of the way clutching a pot of my own semen, visions of being mugged and having to explain what was taken to the Dutch ‘Politie’ exploded into my head.
Thankfully, the Gods of mortal shame were on my side and I was able to park right in the hospital grounds, and at that unearthly hour of the morning, the only onlookers were the dozens of chickens (don't ask, I don't know why) roaming the hospital surrounds.
(There is a chicken and egg joke in there somewhere, but I'm far too conflustered to work it out)
Onwards I go, plenty of potential death traps behind me, performance, aim, and parking as I march through the main entrance.
With chest out, and chin up, I strolled confidently as if I owned the place, James Bond-like to the reception desk.
I'd peaked too soon...
"I have an 8am appointment with microbiology" I half whispered, half choked at the professionally disinterested 8 foot tall woman behind the desk.
"Follow route 70" she sneered, while looking me up and down.
The game was up, she knew why I was there, I started to panic, she knew what I had in my pocket and I certainly wasn't happy to see her. I turned and walked as fast as my butty little legs could manage without breaking into a jog. As I turned the corridor I'm almost sure I heard her snort and laugh.
After a Left, right, 2 floors up, 3 floors down, a few more lefts, and a handful more rights I ended up outside the door of route 70 - 'Medische Microbiologie'.
I peered through the glass of the door at the back of what I can only describe as the receptionist's bigger, uglier, older brother in a dress and questionably applied make-up.
I knocked. At least I thought I did. No reaction. I knocked again, harder. The beast-head turned around and glared at me, glared towards a sign on the door, then back at me.
Being super quick on the uptake I decided to quickly READ the sign on the door which said 'Patients - don't knock, come in'
Mumbling my apologies I stepped in, mimed that I had an 8am appointment, and proceeded to cower in front of Ms Grizzly Adams.
GA - Have you your laboratory form?
ME - Yes (fumbling in inner pockets), Here.
GA - (Scowling at the one single box ticked on the form) Semen Analysis?
ME - (Whispering) Yes.
GA - Have you your 'Material'?
ME - Yes (now sweaty hands fumbling again in inner pockets), Here.
GA - (Holding the pot between finger and thumb, obviously not impressed with coming into contact at what I KNEW was sweat but she was unsure of) OK. I have a couple of questions.
ME - (To Self) Shit. Here goes.
GA - Have you had a cold in the last week.
ME - No. (To self) That was easy!
GA - Taking any medication?
ME - (Very proud that I had for once written the proper names down) Hydrochlorotheozamowhatsitiozide
GA - (Sighing) Give me the piece of paper. (To self, probably) Idiot.
GA - When did you produce the 'Material'?
ME - (I was torn between desperately wanting to say it wasn't mine at all & running off and asking her when was the last time she performed a sex act on herself, just to even things up.) Less than half an hour ago.
GA - How long did you abstain?
ME - (Hoping that I had understood her correctly and was actually answering the right question) [Insert answer here] (Some things you lot just don't need to know).
GA - I see. Your results will be known by your doctor in 1 to 10 days.
ME - Ok. (While actually meaning) What in the name of Jehova do you mean 1 TO 10 days you hideous creature, what use is that for a timscale, you might as well say 'sometime before Christmas' - Maybe.
GA - Goodbye. (while actually meaning to add) you filthy little man, get out of my sight.
ME - Goodbye. (while actually meaning to add) please take care of my little pot, Frodo had it easy with that ring of his compared to my journey here, and I don't want to have to go through this again.
With that, I turned and ran.
Of course, true to form, it was out the wrong exit.
Turning the key in the ignition, the clock flashed up the time. 8:03am.