Wednesday 20 August 2008

The black humerus

Spectacular news!

A study has shown a direct relationship between mangled reproductive organs and the presence of a bone known as the black humerus.

The study being me deciding it is fact, and the black humerus being a very twisted funny bone.

Infertility ain't so funny, and TTC ain't very LOL, then why in the name of all that is sacred are so many infertiles and TTCers insanely hilarious?

I've always been one to laugh at the inappropriate, or crack a joke at my own expense, but over the past year and more of trawling the internet for voices on trying to conceive and infertility, I've found myself greatly surprised at the sense of humour that comes through so much of the bad experiences.

There doesn't tend to me be too much 'ha ha my testes are malfunctioning' or 'nah nah nah nah nah your uterus is buckled' but there's a dark, sinister, black humour that seems to go hand in hand in coping with the ridiculousness that is ttc & infertility.

You don't believe me?

Well, what about the example of someone who's been trying to conceive for years, and has menstrual cycles somewhere in the region of 800 days or something similarly batty, yet chooses to call her blog Womb For Improvement !
Somewhere in there she wrote about preparing for an intrusive examination:

8.15am: Have shower wash bits with care, don't want health care professionals thinking I am a mink.
8.16am: Can I be bothered to shave my legs?

8.17am: Yes, don't want the doctor thinking 'No wonder she can't get pregnant who would want to have sex with someone with stubbly legs'.
9.01am: Have to take antibiotics 2 hours before appointment on an empty stomach. Hungry now.

9.30am: Double check instructions for the painkillers. "gently insert one suppository into the rectum two hours before the procedure". Gently!

9.31am: Climb down from the step ladder and put broom handle away.
9.32am: Bit of a rush now have to put two up that orifice and swallow the other.

9.35am: All done and think I got the right slots for everything.

You might say, okay that is nervousness, manifesting as humour, but what about another woman who has faced 3 miscarriages and has siblings dropping sprogs on a weekly basis, and yet picks herself up, and self deprecates all over herself when discussing how she still buys nappies at her company's employee shop:

In my more optimistic days, I even bought some for my own unborn babies (note to oneself, check if they have an expiry date, they're not going to be adorning any little baby's arse in this house soon). These days I'm stocking up for one of my in-laws who is expecting this Autumn. But the looks you get in the shop if you are seen carrying a bale of nappies up to the counter. "Have you news?" Nudge nudge, wink wink. No I haven't, but I'm having fertility treatment and I'll keep you updated when I'm next due to pee on a stick. Now fuck off and leave me alone!!!!

Maybe that's just an Irish thing?

So what about being mocked by your mother about your weight, and the effect it may have on your conception attempts, and yet managing to concoct hilarity from the scraps left of your self esteem:

"Well you see your honor, as I was wiping the KY jelly off of my freshly violated crotch, Dr.Z said to me 'by the way cant get pregnant because you're a heffer. Your mother was right!' I don't remember what exactly happened after that, but when I came to I had a clump of hair in my fist and a piece of her shirt stuck between my teeth"

I could, and should, go on and on, but I've got twin frogs to feed and a two week wait to finish.

These are the people that keep me sane, make me realise I'm not as mad as a bag of cats when I talk to my man milk or christen ET's eggs.

It's self preservation.

Having a place where you can turn your misery into a chuckle and get some support and encouragement back in return is a real lifesaver.

I can't speak for everyone else that's on the journey, but it certainly is for me.


Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

All you need is love, love.

Love is all you need.

Love is all you need.

Someone famous said that, and I guess you were listening for once.

AnnD said...

You must be correct; those people are as funny as a brilliant as you are. I guess there must be a connection!

Jane G said...

Aw shucks, thanks for the name check! And I thought I was no way as funny as any of the other bloggers.

I nearly fell off my chair laughing at womb for improvement's preparations for her "procedure". Absolutely brilliant!

Give the twin froggies a big kiss from their Auntie Jane!

Bluestreak said...

hilarious examples. you´re still my favorite TTCer.

Susanica said...

So what you're saying is "laughter is the best medicine?" Brilliant! Perhaps you can trademark that!

Truly though, I agree with you 100%. -Monica

Kori said...

I can't say as I have read any of the others, but after the ladder and broom handle one, i might have to. I really believe that if you can't laugh at yourself, your life, how crazy things must sound to other people, that we would all go freaking nuts-you are ahead of the game!

V said...

You know I think you're on to something...something other than ET for once! Ha!!OK, I'm not so funny, but you are frickin hilarious!!I was bored at work today and started to peruse through your "So far" section and I had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard. I know writing about this must not always feel funny or fun to you but you have such a great way of putting a spin on things. I might just have to take a trip up to Holland and join you guys for some German and Irish beers!
Seriosuly, have you or your fellow TTCs thought about contacting a publisher? Your writings and musings would sell like hot cakes me thinks! :O)

Mama Smurf said...

It's better than the

Anonymous said...

Laughing at desperately painful wounds is what the British DO, surely?! Lost your leg? Smile brightly, Python-fashion, and breezily assume that 'it'll just grow back, will it?'

I found that poking fun at my infertility was occasionally successful at diluting the utterly corrosive misery to something rather more wry, and significantly less prickly. If I didn't laugh, I'd still be crying now, and the baby's a year old.

Liking the bag of cats metaphor. Can clearly imagine the yowling.

People in the Sun said...

It's cool that you show your love to other blogs. I want to do it too but it interferes with my self-obsession.

Sarah said...

Like you said "X", if I didnt laugh at these things. I'd lose my damn mind.
I'm already a bit "touched"(I think you have to be) I cant take the risk of being pushed all the way over the edge. Reading your blogs(and others), does two lets me know that we are DEF not alone in this little journey called TTC, and you my friend crack me up! You really are a brilliant writer. Fucking BRILLIANT I tell you!

I cant wait to read the blog that screams "fuck off timed intercourse, fuck off elevated hips, fuck off semen analysis, I'm gonna be a Daddy!! I dont need you anymore!"

For serious.

*Ahem* I'm still waiting for my baby frogs by the way. Greedy

Chaos said...

I'm pretty sure humor is one of the reason I read you. The other has to be your wit, or gentle turn of phrase.
The say the only way to get through the crap is with humor, we must be on the right track.

MarĂ­a said...

I need to go check them out further - since you're the only one I read. I'm still skeptical that anyone can make this topic as hilarious as you do, even though I laughed my ass off at their snippets.

Anonymous said...

There is a lot to be said for trying to find even the blackest humour at times when life deals the crap cards and for very different reasons I do have a lot of experience of that. Self defense? Absolutely! Nothing wrong with that :o)

Anonymous said...

While I've only just begun the TTC journey (only 4 months into it), and in no way can realize how hard it is for you and ET, I have to say that the humor YOU bring to the table is very refreshing and helps me to put things into perspective (especially after this dang last cycle and the 3-day late period that turned out, amidst bone-crushing hopes, to be just that...a stupid 3-day late period). And I'm eager to read the other blogs you've mentioned as well. Cuz if you can't laugh, what CAN you do????

Anonymous said...

I was watching your tags over the past month or so for each of your posts and I'm oh so happy to see you include "laughter" along with the usual "worry and obsession". I do hope this is the month for you! I totally believe in gut feelings.

Ed (zoesdad) said...

I have found that humor--whether appropriate or not--keeps the mind a bit more healthy.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you--fart, and you stand alone. (Something like that.)

Jason Roth said...

Humor is certainly the best therapy for any unfortunate situation. We're not laughing at your expense, we're laughing with you for sure. It'll all work out in the end and we'll all be able to go back and read these post and laugh some more.

Maggie, Dammit said...

And you are this for them, and for so many others. A perfect circle of inappropriate humor and love. Awesome.

Mr Lady said...

And we are eternally grateful Scarred, but grateful. :)

Martin said...

@A whole lot of nothing - Lay off the voddy woman...

@AnnD - hahaha, you big suck up you ;0)

@Jane G - Especially as I oddly enough didn't mention even the blog name, THAT's how cool you are!

@Bluestreak - Awww, I'm someone's favourite misfiring shagger!

@Susanica - Maybe not best medicine, but a good pain killer at least.

@Kori - Well worth a read Kori, and very true.

@Kathryn - Are you saying you read me because you were BORED!
Kidding, secretly it's a great buzz when someone says they read back the older posts.
Books, my dear, need endings!

@Thopgood - Funny you say that, that is one of my long standing sayings.
When someone asks 'How's life' - I say 'better than the alternative'

But yes, it is!

@Hairyfarmerfamily - **cough** I'm not British but I do agree lol

Congratulations on the success though, that's what counts.

@People in the sun - You ARE one sexy sonofabitch...

@Sarah - I can't wait to write it!

@Chaos - And great hair? I have great hair you know. Thanks, very kind.

@Immoral Matriarch - You'll be surprised woman, we are all all kinds of screwed up!

@Penelope - Yep, for many reasons the ability to see the insane funny side is a life saver. Cheers.

@April - Absolutely! good luck with your efforts, and have a read of those!

@Monique - Aww, no need to read too much into the tags, but laughter was an obvious one. Thanks, me too!

@Ed - Boom Boom, but you got it!

@iVegasFamily - Your constant reiteration and reassurance is great, honestly. Thanks.

@Maggie, Dammit - Ohhh Maggie, a circle of inappropriate love! I want me some of that...

@Mr Lady - I'm curious was that a typo, scared or scarred... ;0)

Putz said...

i got hit on more in the infertile period than any time in my life because i am ugly and it was so funny to me, is that humor or is it the divine comedy????

Anonymous said...

Sure if we don't laugh about it, we'll be miserable feckers all together. It IS self preservation. The one thing I have always been determined to do (besides a healthy pregnancy) is not allowing this situation to destroy my life. I don't care how many blows I get, I refuse to fall into a hole and make myself an angry person. Sure I have my bad days, but I have lots and lots of good days.

Liz said...

Thanks Xbox, now I have to try and think of a suitably witty comment to validate the big up you just gave me! Umm... Nope, nada.


Anonymous said...

Aaaaaah.. I was wondering where the Aussie sense of humour came from. It arrived here in the bottom of a boat from Ireland..
xxx Kim

Jenni said...

great links, I enjoyed them all!

Karen MEG said...

What great bloggers, all of you. I think the humour is what makes it easier to deal ... you have to look at the funny moments ... without it, you sometimes doubt how much further, how much longer you can stand it.

I SOOOOO wish I had you guys around, and was more attuned to the infertility network when we were going through this.

But I'm really, really glad that you have each other now.

Anonymous said...

sometimes all you can do is laugh.

Anonymous said...

Well, not everybody can make fun as you and your gang about the subject, and that's why it is so important that you continue blogging: The unfunny ones like me get to laugh and take this much more easily. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Happy anniversary and me too thinks this IS your cycle (and hopefully mine too!) :)

Jo Beaufoix said...

I think the statement 'you have to laugh or else you'd cry' is so true. It's not always blumming easy but it certainly gets you through stuff sometimes.

Stacy said...

have to laugh so you wont cry kind of thing.

AnnD said...

Hey, hey now. I've always maintained that you were brilliant. Check my past posts mister!

Anonymous said...

Ah black humour. Love it.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, if you can't laugh at the shit that life throws at you then your pretty much going to be shit slogging.

The Womb for Improvement snippet is brilliant - very Helen Fielding.

The Tall Red Head said...

Well, as my lovely Ex Mother In Law used to say..and we know she was FULL of pearls of wisdom..If you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?... "EVERY-ONE else you stupid bitch" I used to yell. In my head of course. Out loud I would just say "Shut the fuck up".
It is good that you can write down your feelings, and if people find them to raw, they can stop reading. No-one forces them to read the blog. And it is better for you to have the feelings out there rather than bottled up inside. And I said the other week...GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO WAIT..(copyrighted by the Ex Mother in Law) and you have waited bloody long enough!

Anonymous said...

I can't wait to read those blogs! I love strong women, and those are apparently written by some very brave people.

You have to look for the humor. You can't go crazy now. The fate sisters are total bitches. If you go crazy now, ET won't have any help when the rugrat comes. Because that's probably a sure way to get her knocked up... you being batty. She'll find out she's pregnant right before they carry you away to your padded room.

Anonymous said...

Shat happens and shat comes in all shapes, textures and fragrances. We all have our own shat to sit in. It's how we get rid of it that is important - do we laugh or cry or just throw it at people?

I think you are laughing and flinging it up in the air myself!

Lyssa said...

Thanks for sharing more brilliant bloggers, but you will always be my favorite!

Anonymous said...

Amen. Turning an ache into a laugh is sometimes the only way to go.

Joy said...

You have to laugh at some point, crying gets damn tiresome and well depressing.

I've always had a bit of a dark sense of humor anyway, and often I don't blog a lot of the things that I am thinking, I am afraid that someone might not get it, take offense or horrors, write some mean comment(Americans can be touchy). Maybe I'll strap a pair on one day and really expose myself.

Martin said...

@Putz - I wonder you you mean hit on as in beaten up, or approached by women?

@Deno - AMEN! thats actually pretty amazing to hear. Your next update was this week or next?

@Womb for improvement - ah come on, don't show me up

@Frogpondsrock - bottom of a bottle more like...

@Jenni - as do I!

@Karen MEG - hopefully it'll be eveb better for the next set of poor bastards!

@country girl - sometimes, its ALL I do!

@Gaby - Yeah this is true. there are plenty blogs out there that cut right to the bone. I hope they don't find any of this insulting actually.
Good luck to ya!

@Jo Beaufoix - Absolutely right.

@Snowmanpoop - very true, as you know!

@AnnD - hahahaa...

@Veronica - love it, live it, breathe it!

@A free man - Yep, a good example. All three are slightly different but all make me laugh.

@The tall red head - More than long enough I reckon!

@Angel - You will enjoy them I think.
The Padded Room Daddy ?

@Tismee2 - I'm eating it...

@Lyssa Ireland Thomas - Hey you, welcome back!

@Marie - So true, you ok?

@Deborah - strap on and expose yourself woman!
Go for it, it's very liberating

MommyHeadache said...

it's good that you're honing your sense of humor because when the wee baby does eventually get produced you'll need a sense of humor to get through the four years of no sleep/no sex with wife etc etc

Anonymous said...

That is a great post. I agree, how some people roll with certain things is impressive, & at times bewildering.

Captain Steve said...

Dude. I saw "spectacular news!" and I got all up and excited! And you shot me down. Damn. But at least you left me some funny.

Stella said...


so glad you have found such good company in these times.

its the bees knees.

good luck this round: DING DING DING!!!

Anonymous said...

If I didn't laugh, or at least try to amuse others with my woes and whining, I think I would have stabbed myself in both eyes with a biro and called it a day by now. As it is, I get myself through awkward moments by thinking 'I am so going to blog your sorry ass later' in a Clint Eastwood growl.

It always astonishes me when I meet someone who thinks black humour is inappropriate. What? We should cry about it all all the time? But... but... but I'd dehydrate!

Anonymous said...

Oh blimey, you aren't, are you?!
So sorry. You do SOUND frightfully British though.

Hmmm. I meant that as a compliment, but it is belatedly occurring to me that it's dreadfully jingoistic of me to assume that you would writhe with pleasure to be mistaken for one of us! Ummm.. sorry again!

Paddy in BA (Quickroute) said...

It's great to know that no matter how bad you feel and how rock bottom you get - your loving, caring, adoring, family can make you feel worse! Announced "News" recently and it was a property purchase. This was greeted from home with a sigh and "oh - no pitter patter then? - oh well!"
I must've been adopted!

Eve Grey said...

That was some seriously funny shit. I lurk here from time to time & i cannot wait until the day you have your news. It'll happen.

IVF Land on Surrogacy World said...

It's like in a lot of the prisoner of war movies. They are caught by the enemy and facing death on a daily basis, but they are constantly going around telling jokes.

Humor helps take away the stress so that we can function with life. Otherwise, we will all be on anti-depressant pills.

Unknown said...

Well, you know what they say, laughter is the best medicine. Of course, most medicines suck -- they don't work most of the time and have awful side effects.

Anonymous said...

I think it is great that there is a community of people on the internet going through the same thing. I think it makes you feel less alone in your situation. I also think that sometimes it is easier to express your feelings in an anonymous environment.

Mrs4444 said...

You're terrific.

Martin said...

@EmmaK - No sex...wait a second. Maybe I haven't thought this through...

@Chris Wood - Absolutely, and there are folk with problems that make this shit look like a stroll in the park and they still laugh on.
It's fantastic.
Cheers, & welcome.

@Captain Steve - Sorry to disappoint ;0)

@Stella - Not a bad bunch of folk! Godd luck to you too!

@Nutsinmay - Dead right, in fact you are another that really falls into this category.
You could, and should, have been included in the above post.

@Hairyfarmerfamily - 'Frightfully', not as frighfully as yourself ;0)
I'm sure a lot of the terminology rubs off on me being a Paddy, especially after the 800 years of opression and all that...

@Quickroute - I sometimes wish I was!
I HATE when they do that, you are all excited about telling them about your new MP3 player or something and they are moaning they haven't got grandkids...

@Eve Grey - Hope it does! welcome...

@IVF Land on Surrogacy World - Bang on correct!
That's what it is, self preservation.

@DorkyDad - AND cost you a fortune!

@Sinead - Yep, those two things, the annonymity and the group.
Would be lost without them.

@Mrs4444 - What do I say to that lol!

You're not so bad yourself !

Missives From Suburbia said...

I wish I'd had a blog when I was going through it. Kids really dull your wit (and just about everything else, frankly).

I hope this is your final wait.

Anonymous said...

Thank you thank you thank you. I needed a laugh today. And this post helps me realize that I'm not alone in all of this. Humor really IS the best medicine.

B said...

I always say "if you can laugh at something, it won't bother you half as much".
I've proof that it works too:
One time when a bully was beating the sh!t outta me, I erupted with laughing... he quickly backed off.

Being able to make a joke out of anything bad that happens to you is a beautiful thing.
Spike Milligan's epitaph: "I told you I was ill"

Martin said...

@Missives from suburbia - I don't want my wit dulled!!!!

@Kittyconcerto - That's exactly what its all about. there are others out there. Take care you yeah?

@B - I must try that the next time I'm getting seven bells kicked out of me.

You'll go far young man!

Anonymous said...

I find that is true with parents of kids with disabilities too. The ones that are coping the best are the ones with the wickedest sense of humour.

And how come Hooch always gets to be first? I always number eleventy hundred and SHE is always freaking first.

Favouritism I tellz ya.

Martin said...

@Kelley - Yep, I know from close circles that you are absolutely correct.

Life's a bastard, don't let it get ya!

If you would get off your lazy Aussie 'Home & Away' watching arse you might get here first.