Wednesday 24 December 2008

The secret

As Christmas eve wraps itself around us (a foggy one too, just like the song), I get drawn into thinking about all the magical and mystical and amazing stories we hear that happen at Christmas.

Unless you've just tuned in, or have incurred a severe head injury of late, you may know we are holding out for one of those wee Christmas miracles of our own. (Although, if we have to wait for the January sales to get 20% off, then how bad eh?)

With all this festive reflection, I have realised something that has eluded me my whole life.

I can't be sure if it was for my own good, or the good of the planet, or the good the season, or the good of all the children of the world, but it was kept from me all this time, and now I know.

Santa Claus is real, and I am he.

Yes, it's true.

'Idiot!' I hear you cry, 'Drunken arse!' I hear you yell, but no! if you look at the evidence, it is as obvious as the face of the virgin Mary in my scrambled egg.

-Who lives alone with his wife with no children that we know of?

-Who finishes his nightly adventures all breathless, exhausted, and red of face?

-Who seems to be engaging in the same futile exercise over, and over, and over, and over?

-Who can be heard yelling about Hos and cracking whips into the night sky?

-Who is guided solely by the throbbing red extremity of his favourite personal beast?

-Who spends his evenings squeezing up and down in, before finally shooting off up, a tight dark space?

-Who has been obsessed this week with delivering the contents of his sack to exactly the right place at precisely the right time?

No question is there?

Now you know.

Sleep well kiddies, I'm on the case.

A very happy oh-shit-I-forgot-the-AA-batteries-and-everywhere-is-shut day to you all.


River said...

Hee Hee.
Merry Christmas to you and ET

Darragh said...

Ahem. That's all I can say to that. I obviously need to read your blog more often!

Happy Christmas to yourself and herself sir. Hope it's a, erm, productive one!

Paula Keller said...

Slowly raising my hand, and admitting to just now tuning in...

I hope you get your Christmas miricle. :)

frog ponds rock... said...

*snorts* Merry christmas Santa xxx

'Murgdan' said...

Merry Xmas to you...

Sue said...

And Happy Secular Present Day to you and ET, ahem, I mean Mrs. Claus (of course), as well.

Very clever and funny post today. May the, uh, fruit of your labors be sweet and fulfilling.

Anonymous said...

Dear Santa,
I've been a really good girl this year. All I want is a vacation. Alone.

Thanks, Dude.

Liz said...

I've heard of people having a God delusion. But Santa?

Oh and you missed an obvious hurrying up the chimney (I know he normally goes down but he has to come out again).

IrishNYC said...

Merry Christmas! I hope the jolly man brings you he Christmas gift you want more than anything.

unmitigated me said...

I'm convinced. I'd like a new wide screen tv, please. I've been a very good girl.

Ms. Moon said...

And does that make us all your merry little elves?
Here's good wishes for all your Christmas dreams to come true....

Anonymous said...

Dang, I knew you were real!

I guess I know what ET will have stuffed in her stocking tonight...

Merry Christmas anyway!

Anonymous said...

Merry Christmas to you and ET, my friend.

morninglight mama said...

Santa, huh? Hope you can make your own Christmas wishes come true!!

Have a wonderful holiday!

Chaos said...

I always knew Santa was real. Merry Christmas to you and ET.

MissyBoo said...

Wishing you and ET a very Merry Christmas

Tara R. said...

I know now that I'm leaving you something a little stronger than milk and cookies tonight.

Wishes for you and ET to receive your special present very soon. Merry Christmas to you both.

Putz said...

ahhhhhhh, what a wonderful message full of hope and christmas cheer...i knoew you had it in you to come up with something uplifting and positive...nice goin and meryy christmas

Craig D said...

Insert flithy reference as to how Santa comes but once a year here.

Um... Hope you can go 'round the world in one night.

Gosh, this is all so tawdry.

Let's just say "MERRY CHRISTMAS" and leave it at that.

Karen MEG said...

Thanks for the Christmas laugh, Santa.

Hope you and Mrs. Claus have a wonderful, wonderful and hopefully fertile holiday :)

1A said...

How did you know I say, "Drunken arse!" :)

Kori said...

Santa Claus is coming tonight; yay!

Nick McGivney said...

Happy Christmas Dude...

Anonymous said...

Jolly 'Ole St. Di...Richard?

Merry Christmas to you and ET.

nh said...

Well if that's true; please can I have my gift now!

Merry Christmas to you and ET - have a good one!

Anonymous said...

I've never been so happy to be a Jew.

Anonymous said...

Ho, Ho, Ho!

You just watch out for that sack of yours - don't want to go snagging it on any firegrates!


Anonymous said...

You are so clearly deranged, that I've changed my mind and come to the decision that you should NOT be allowed to procreate. (Oh just kidding, it made me laugh.)

Merry Christmas!

WhatAboutNovember said...


you know, i think you may have a point. do you have an affinity for red velvet jumpsuits? hm. all this time... it was you...

well, thanks for all the loot.

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

Ho Ho Whore

Go kiss your wife.

Dondi Tiples said...

You already have the built and the twinkle in your eye. Too bad you're clean shaven. You could add more gristle to make it look legitimate, at least.

Have a very Merry Christmas delivering your "deliverables"! God bless you & ET!!!

swilek said...

so that is the secret!!:) you made me laugh are clever! Happy Christmas to you and your wife.

Anonymous said...

Well then Santa, I need to have a stern talking to you then.

And I will save the expletives for a change.

What on ******* earth were you ******* thinking when you gave me a ******* set of headphones and a ******* DVD player for ******* Christmas? **** me...

Happy Christmas dude.

Anonymous said...

now I know who to blame for not giving me a new remote control airplane after the original crashed on the lake!!!!!!


Anonymous said...

Merry *insert your festive season of choice*

Here's hoping the New Year finds ET as fat as a Christmas pud, all full of wiggling baby.

Pssst... if you're REALLY Santa, you can jam the Winnie the Pooh pajamas. Not cool, dude.

Veronica Foale said...

Merry Christmas, I hope you had a good one!

Maggie, Dammit said...

Merry Christmas, Santa! I'm glad to know you.

Jo said...

Oh deer...

Anonymous said...

I hope the delivery of all the, erm, goods went well, Santa!

Anonymous said...

Merry Christmas Santa! thanks for the gifts or lack of.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

I tried to read it aloud to my husband but midway through the list, he couldn't understand me because I was laughing too hard.

B said...

one woman bought 50euro worth of AA batteries from us.

...unfortunately that meant no one else could buy any.

I Am Emily... said...

A Christmas Miracle - Good.

didnt know you were fat, old and hairy? At least ET will have plenty of *toys* for when you're not around!

Anonymous said...

Happy Christmas (belatedly - is it the thought that counts?).

Jo Beaufoix said...

Hee hee. Don't get stuck.
Merry Christmas to you both.

Anonymous said...

Hope you HAD a very Merry Christmas and I REALLY, really do hope you get the gift you want! Happy and HEALTHY 2009!

Anonymous said...

You gave me a t-shirt and an ophthalmoscope for christmas you bastard! That was a great post, many wishes for a change of fortune for ye in the New Year

Stacy said...

Here's to hoping your sack empties just right this time ;)

Anonymous said...

Hey Santa,
Hope your Chrissy was good.
Next year, could you not leave the gift giving up to my husband
I just can't take it anymore.
Thanking you in advance,

Martin said...

@River - Many Happy Returns!

@Darragh - Thank you sir, and yes, you should! ;0)

@PJ - tut tut PJ, detention for you.

@Frogpondsrock - Fair dinkum

@Murgdan - Many happy returns to you.

@Sue - All the best to you Sue, take care.

@Angel - Alone? no can do... better luck next year

@Womb 4 improvement - you missed my subtle 'shooting up' one...

@Irish NYC - Many happy returns, me too.

@Middle aged woman - Sorry, TV's only for bad, bad girls.

@Ms Moon - Thank you, and many happy returns to you.

@Geeksinrome - Merry Christmas!

@Joe - Many Happy Returns Joseph.

@Morninglight mama - I'm sure there's some contractual issues there. Dammit.

@CHaos - and the same to you.

@M+B - thank you, all the best to you.

@Tara R - Many very happy returns Tara.

@Putz - I always have it in me Putz! It's getting it out is the problem!

@CraigD - Good enough for me Craig, many happy returns.

@Karen MEG - Take care of yourself.

@Becky - I know your type ;0)

@Kori - You betcha....

@Nick McGivney
- Many many happy returns Nick, all the best.

@NukeDad - Hope you have a nice one Sir!

@nh - Thank you, and you.

@RRP - Mazel Tov!

@Tismee2 - a trip to the A&E...

@Bonnie B - Same to you dear!

@WhatAboutNOvember - and the leather boots.. .oooh the boots...

@Angie - Kiss your own...

@Dondi Tiples - Thank you Dondi, many happy returns.

@Swile67 - Thank you, appreciate it.

@Kelley - Yo.

@UrbanVox - The air traffic licensing bureau?

@Anja - thank you.
But they are crotchless?

@Veronica - Did indeed.

@Maggie, Dammit - Santa likes some good reading, so is quite happy to have discovered yourself too!

@Jothemama - have you fallen over?

@Expatswede - Everything in situe!

@Deno - Good to 'see' you. Nice to know things are still going well. Congratulations.

@Lillipop Goldstein - That HAS to be a good thing! ;0)

@B - Oh I hated when people ahead of me in queues bought lots of what I wanted...bloody cheek.

@Tanya - Only one toy needed here baby! **swaggers hips**

@bsouth - No, absolutely not. meh.

@Jo Beaufoix - Many happy returns Jo.

@Hotmamamia - Thank you, all the best.

@Ave - If I knew what that was I could take credit, but either way, all the best!

@Snowmampoop - It's been delivered.

@Tiff - Not another monkey wrench set?

Anonymous said...

Oh. Bugger. Sorry.

Kim said...

So you are real...Where the fuck is my pony?!?!?!

Hope you had a Merry Christmas!

Martin said...

@bsouth - let you off this once!

@Kim - we had a pretty good Christmas, thanks.

Bluestreak said...

where the hell is my iphone? i hope you at least got some cookies out of the deal.

Martin said...

@Bluestreak - Not even a carrot!

Matt Dell said...

Just found your blog
It is very well written and overall a bit bittersweet of course
I have enjoyed reading it although enjoy seems the wrong word
That said this post was the funniest thing I have read in ages :)

Martin said...

@Matt Dell - It's always great to have someone catch up with stuff here.

It is bittersweet I suppose, but the only way to get through is have a laugh.

Thanks, and welcome.