Monday, 17 March 2008

Spencer

Dear Spencer,

I know you are only one among millions down there, but you're the one I feel I have a connection with, the one I can talk to. I see you as a leader among men. Well, semen at least.

We've been through a lot together, you, your buddies and me.
Remember the first time we met? That was an eye opener, certainly was for my stuffed animals anyway.
Over the next few years we had lot of good times, we met up with each other at every opportune moment, and quite a few inopportune ones.

In fact, to date, I can only think of one single occasion where we met that wasn't entirely pleasurable.

But things are changing...I'm not gonna butter you up, I'm gonna tell it to you straight.
You need to get your act together down there and get your crew in order.

Lets look at the facts.

You have one hell of a crew, a big following, in fact every time we throw a party, 160 million of you guys show up. That's great, it's just what we want to hear.

Of that 160 million, just about the right number of you lot are not complete freaks.
Heads - check, tails - check.
Again, great. The 33% of you that are in decent shape leaves us with 52.8 million studs.

You should be pretty proud of that. I know I am.

Now comes the tricky stuff. I know you don't wanna hear it but you need to face up to it. 35.9 million of those studs are time wasters. They don't move AT ALL. They sit on their arses admiring their perfectly formed heads and combing their tails and totally miss their cue.

I would appreciate it if you could see your way clear to doing something about these guys, they are good enough, but they gotta get some inspiration from somewhere. It's up to YOU Spencer.

Failing that, you must, at the very least, get these fellas out of the way, keep them at the back, out of harms way if you will. This is because you have 16.9 million stud buds who DO know where to go, and of those, 11.6 million get there bloody fast.

We've got a few really big weeks coming up Spence, you and me. You have a few days for practice runs but in less than two weeks you're going to be called upon, for real. No more dribbling out like a runny nose, you've got to fly like you've never flown before, and swim like your life depended on it. (Actually, it does depend on it but let's not dwell on the morbidity of it all.)

At best only a few of you will make it, but I have every faith that you will be there, leading the charge. When you get there Spence, hang on for dear life, sink your little teeth in. Work that freakishly big head of your's inwards, wiggle your bum, worm your way in, weather the storm, and don't take no for an answer.

I know you can do it, ET knows you can do it, all your buddies down there know you can do it, together Spence, we will help propel you to greatness.
You can achieve fame beyond your wildest wet dreams. Forget the creepy anonymous sperm guys from 'look who's talking', forget the D-list 'celebrity stain' on Monica Lewinski's dress, you are on the verge of spunking heroics.

I know you are apprehensive. I know this is unchartered territory. I know this is a long way from the safety net of a kleenex. I know you are doubting if we can do it, but Barack, Bob the builder and I are here to tell you Spence, that - Yes.We.Can!

Don't let the significance of the day that's in it pass you by, it's St. Patrick's day, the day of celebration of your proud people all over the world, who left their homeland and made a life somewhere else, you need to follow in their footsteps.

You're a big time player now Spence.

'Carpe Diem' Spencer my faithful buddy, 'Carpe Diem'.

38 comments:

Lance said...

Unrelated completely to your post.... Happy St. Patrick's Day from California to my Irish blog buddy. I promise to drink a shot of Midleton Irish Whiskey in honor of your process to succeed. May St. Paddy bless you with mighty sperm.

Russ said...

Happy St. Paddy's day to you! (Even though it seems to be more of an American holiday.) Excellent pep talk! Heck my boys are ready to go now!

Well, I'll tip a mug of Guinness your way this evening (not even a full pint, cheap bastard importers).

Lyssa Ireland Thomas said...

We know you can do it, Spencer!

Xbox, exactly where do you obtain your sperm clipart? I'm obviously looking in the wrong location for my artwork.

Roth Family Adventures said...

Happy St. Patrick's Day. From Las Vegas, we're wishing you, and Spence, good luck in the next couple of weeks.

LaskiGal said...

"You can achieve fame beyond your wildest wet dreams." I'm at a loss for words--probably because I'm too busy laughing.

I'm rooting for you!!!

CLASSIC post . . . absolutely!

Jared said...

{Chanting) Spencer! Spencer! Spencer!

Happy St Patricks day!

Kori said...

I don't even have a penis and I feel motivated!

tiff said...

Ok, would I be wrong in saying I have sperm envy now? I want a spencer!

Seriously, aside from that being so funny, I fell off my chair, we are all gunning for you and Spencer.

Go team!

Melinda Zook said...

Well I would say that was one of the most uplifting speeches I have heard in awhile...man, I almost forgot what we were talking about here. With that kind of motivation, I don't think you can go wrong here.

May the luck of the Irish be with ya!

Melinda Zook said...

Especially to you, Spencer!

Nola said...

Oh, I love this post! And Spence! Ah, Spence! We're all rooting for you!!

Tara R. said...

You should go on tour as a motivational speaker. Go Spencer, GO!

amanda said...

I laughed so hard at this that I nearly peed myself. I'm rooting for Spencer.

frog ponds rock... said...

No more dribbling out like a runny nose....

I am laughing so hard here...

Swim! Spencer, Swim!

heheheheheh

cheers kim xxx

Kelley said...

That, kind sir, was brilliant!

I was smirking, gaffawing and bwaaaa haaaa haaaaaing all over the place.

Stumbled to share with my buddies.

Go Spence!

Veronica said...

*dies laughing*

Go Spence!!!

Married Leos said...

Pure Genius.

Calli's Mama said...

Go get em, Spence!

Monique said...

That's what I like about your blog, proudly animating and then actually conversing with bodily fluids. Right on Spence! You have a cheering section here. ;)

BusyDad said...

That's the best pep talk that a single sperm ever gotten, I'm sure. Makes me want to line up on the race route with a "Go Spence!" sign. But I'm sure that might be a little distracting.

Cynnie said...

oh god ..knock her up!..
kids are fun..once they get over that shitting in the pants thing they go through ..

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Lance - Many Happy returns! Great taste in whiskey too! Thanks.

@Russ - Right back at ya Dude! Try Murphy's instead, much much better.

@Lyssa - Google images, every last one of them. I'm lazy, and a thief.
(the white background makes it almost no problem to find pics)

@Roth Family - Many Happy returns, you are, as always, a pure gentleman.

@LaskiGal - Double thanks!

@Jared - I just KNOW I'm gonna have that ringing in my ears next time 'around'...

@Kori - Admit it, I know you've got one in your bottom drawer... ;-)
thanks for popping by, I appreciate it.

@Tiff - Say no more, an enveleope full is winging it's way right to your postbox!

@Melinda - Cheers, now lets see if it works !

@Nola - Spencer appreciates it!

@Tara R. - I'm sure I could be a bit hit on the 'floppy knob' circuit.

@Amanda - I knew I semlled something... thanks a million ;-)

@Frog Ponds Rock - it's funny...cuz it's true... your poor hubby ;-)

@Kelley - I wish I knew what you meant...but baa haaawing is always a good sign...

@Veronica - I'll be very dissapointed if you're lying to me... ;-)

@Married Leos - what's that about a fine line with insanity... I know what side I'm sitting on... ;-)

@Calli's Mama - Grrrr!

@Monique - when you put it like that I realise how far down the idiocy road I have traveled. Next week I chat with a mastitis riddled nipple...!

@BusyDad - distracting perhaps, good blog fodder, definitely!

@Cynnie - that's the feckin plan, stan! - thanks for dropping in, I appreciate it.

Momo Fali said...

Come on Spencer! We're counting on you buddy!

Melinda Zook said...

Sorry for commenting twice but you are so awesome, I have to give you another award.

Lance said...

Ah Murphy's. You must be a Southern Irishman? I do like Murphy's. I heard the difference is that Guinness is pasteurized and Murphy's is not.

Doodaddy said...

Um. "Spencer"? Did it have to be "Spencer"?

Why not something more, I dunno, virile. Like "Genghis" or "Rambo"?

struglas said...

i totally wish you could be in the locker room with my longhorns this march-madness season. they could use this type of encouragement.

nice work.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Momo Fali - T-shirts will be available for €14.99...

@Melinda Zook - Wow...too cool. and technically that's your third comment on this. I'm gonna start charging you rent.


@Lance - as Southern as it gets! any further South and I'd be in the Atlantic. Funny you say that, that's how my father ALWAYS describes the difference between Murphy's and Guinness. For me Murphy's is sweeter. Yum.

@Doodaddy - seriously dude, you think I can get around my wife by announcing that 'Genghis' is about to work his way through her reproductive system. And as for Rambo... we'll even I couldn't keep a straight face if I said that one.
Anyway, Spencer suits him, I see a Disney future....

@Struglas - I'm just going to pray very strongly that your 'longhorns' is a sports team of some sort...
and thanks ;-)

Tracey said...

I wrote a very witty comment on this post last night, but it didn't come up and now I can't remember it, so you'll just have to take my word for it.

Big Momma Pimpalishisness said...

If I was Spencer I'd refuse, flat out refuse! That's too much pressure.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Tracey - Thats what you get for drinking and commenting at the same time ;-)

@BMP - I have a secret weapon to motivated the wee git if he doesn't get his act together... "post coital examination"...

Deb said...

I'm dying over here. "... beyond your wildest wet dreams." Priceless.

Go Spencer!! Or as Barack would say, "Are you fired up and ready to GO?!"

Xbox4NappyRash said...

I think Spencer could do a lot for BO's campaign. Running mate?

Breigh said...

I have a cat named Spencer. He's loud, obnoxious and always gets his way.

Must be something about the name...

moosh in indy. said...

One of the first posts that has made me snort in a long time.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Breigh - Sorry it's taken me months to reply, apparently!

@Moosh in indy - snorting is good for you, releases hormones ;0)

HRH said...

New experience for me here today... very motivational. You are the sperm Tony Robbins.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@HRH - Spencer's more of a self love guy rather than a self help guy...

Welcome!