Thursday, 13 March 2008

Laid Bare

Having already left 'too much information' airspace, I've proceeded to fly over 'please make him stop before my eyes bleed' territory.
For your amusement, and to further my seemingly uncontrollable hunger to make an unmerciful eegit out of myself, I'm gonna give you the blow by blow of the results, which I received the details of today.

Volume:
2.5ml (Norm 0.5 - 5.0ml)
You'll note that I was concered about the volume at the time, I'm pretty sure that under normal circumstances (i.e. not sitting on the side of the bath with a stopwatch between my teeth and a plastic pot my left hand) that I would usually get another 50% onto that.

Sperm Concentration:
64 million per ml (Norm approx 2omillion per ml)
I'm Lee Majors and I'm getting T-shirts printed...

Total Count:
160 million
Seriously, -who da freakin' man?

Motility A(fast progressive):
22% (Norm >=25%)
Oh...


Motility B(Slow progressive):
10% (Norm >=50%)*
Shrivel...


Motility C(non progressive):
0%
Sweet Jesus...

Motility D
(totally fucked):
68%
My house IS built on a nuclear reactor, right?

pH:
8.0 (Norm 7.2 - 8.0)
ET disputes this. Don't ask...

Morphology:
33% (Norm >= 30%)
Big heads, go figure...

Mixed Agglutination Reaction for IgA:
0% (Norm <=10%) Them's my boys

Mixed Agglutination Reaction for IgG:
0% (Norm <=10%) Whoooo, ride 'em cowboy...

Presence of agglutination:
Present.
Bugger it anyway.

Liquidity:
noted as 'abnormal'
I'm putting this down to the 'running like a whore out of church' to get the sample to the lab as fast as possible, and also the period of abstinence, which has been noted as not long enough.

Now, if you have managed not to throw up your lunch (Yank region), or breakfast (Aussie region), or fish fingers (Dan), what do you guys make of this?

Some individual scores are good and some are not, but I am a little bit encouraged by the combinations of it all. To be honest, I'm as confused as a blind lesbian in a fish market, but I have some theories.

A lot of you are obviously quite well versed in these matters, I'm genuinely interested in your take on the overall picture.
Do I need to eat more cabbage, or rub sea shells against my testicles 3 times a day, or pump more cash into my 'bribe Jesus into leaving a miracle unattended' fund?
If you have something to add, please do....

For completeness' sake, (the post's and my humiliation's,) I'm sorry I don't have a picture of the sample to add.

*The defining measure of 50% motility, I'm not so sure of, is it 50% falling in A & B, or 25% in A, and another 50% in B, leading to 75% in A & B. I'm not having great luck nailing that definition down consistently from any sources.

The
Norm values I mention are those on the lab report, I have seen some variations on these elsewhere.


21 comments:

Roth Family Adventures said...

Your little swimmers are all over the place when it comes to their grades. They're like a nerd that gets an "A" in math and an "F" in physical education. Unfortunately, in this case the good and bad grades don't balance eachother out to make them average.

Perhaps they were tired from the frantic journey to the lab. Or maybe the lady that accepted the sample scared them so they became petrified with fear.

Maybe your second test will yield better results.

Dan said...

As a medical professional I recommend that you set up a daily routine of rubbing yourself vigorously with a pumice stone each and every morning.

I have no idea if it will help, but it would be funny for the rest of us.

When do you get to see someone who can translate the results for you? To a completely untrained and ignorant eye they don't seem to preclude all hope.

tiff said...

I second what Dan says...about not giving up hope, based on those results. Not the pumice. I'm sure you can find other more interesting ways to self flagilate.

Fast swimmers stll give you a fighting chance, even if the general population is a tad sluggish.

Jo Beaufoix said...

Ouch with the pumice Dan, but otherwise, don't give up hope. Stuff changes. Over from the buzz. :D

Deb said...

I think the French judge screwed you, that's what I think. DO-OVER!!

Lyssa Ireland Thomas said...

No idea what it means, but I'd keep plugging away if I were you (literally and figuratively)! :)

Nola said...

Seriously, does the doctor have any recommendations? Or is he waiting for the follow-up test?

Dorky Dad said...

"I'm as confused as a blind lesbian in a fish market."

Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I've heard THAT ...

Dondi Tiples said...

Well there's a 22% chance of motility A sperm hitting a homerun, while the motility D sperm (the slow swimmers, yes?) strike out 68% of the time. I'm not even going to try to do the math on this one (mainly because I suck at math).

On a lighter (and coincidental) note, my son and I were laughing over a tv commercial last night. A guy was giving a testimonial about having finally gotten his wife preggers after 10 years of marriage. He took some vitamin-antioxidant supplement called Vaniderm (generic: Gluthathione), and after just a month they got a positive pregnancy test.

The hilarious thing was, its a skin whitener antioxidant, but it apparently fixed whatever malady was brewing in his nether parts. Also, Vaniderm has been approved by the (Philippine) Bureau of Food and Drug.

This is not, and I stress, NOT, an endorsement of the product. Didn't even know it existed until last night. Funny, though, that I read your sperm count analysis post just right after that, hmmmmm?

Veronica said...

I have been so far behind, but never fear, I have gone ahead and caught up.

See? I told you ET should have given them a pep talk before the test. Maybe then they would have all perked up.

*sigh*

It sucks mate, wish I knew something to liven them up.

Hilary (The Trying Game) said...

I don't think your results are nearly as bad as you think (or thought). Really, everything is very, very good except for some motility issues. But listen, since you have so many sperm happening I think perhaps it's possible that the "motile" ones, albeit while they're not the majority, are probably, in amount, as many as "the average" guy's. At least!

A second sample will definitely give some more and varied information.

And try this: I read somewhere, can't remember where, that having a little caffeine about 20-30 minutes prior to...er... the deposit helps with motility. Literally "wakes them up" if you will. Can't hurt to try. And if it works, well then I guess it's nothing but morning sex for you and ET from now on!

Oh Xbox I am always thinking about you guys and truly hoping for the very best for the both of you. Good luck!

Russ said...

Ok, I'm an excel geek, so I had to run some numbers (it didn't hurt that Mr. B is playing quietly). Basically, it boils down to I don't know what most of the gibberish means. But if you put you total good swimmers (Motility A) into the normal contribution size, you have a motility rate of about 70%.

Of course this is the kind of funnt math that got Enron and MCI World Comm in trouble...

Russ said...

That would be funny not funnt. I blame the boy whom I had to type around.

Momo Fali said...

Hmmm...I wouldn't have a clue. But, I would love to watch those blind lesbians in a fish market, just for entertainment's sake.

One way or another, I hope you get one good swimmer who finds his way.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Roth Family Adventures - I wanna say thanks for commenting but you've scared the shit outta me...

@Dan - Don't think I wouldn't try it...

@Tiff - Say more stuff like that, I like that.

@Jo Beaufoix - thanks! -great name btw ;-)

@Deb - As much I I do like to blame the French for all the ills in the world, they can't get the blame for this one...

@Lyssa - I will. I will damnit.

@Nola - The doctors are not being helpful. It's practicing medicine by numbers. Do test. Get results. There is no personal support.

@Dorky Dad - how much would you have?

@Dondi Tiples - I'm gonna tackle the math in my next post.
As for the skin whitening cream... I'm Irish... If I get any whiter you'll have to call me casper.
(but I'm still gonna google and buy it on eBay)

@Veronica - I SO wanna say something smutty, but I wont...

@Hilary - My saviour! THATS what I wanted to hear. As I said I'm gonna go into the numbers next time round.

@Russ - I like your math... and if it got Enron and World Com in trouble it can surely manage just to get wee ET in trouble...surely.

@Momo Fali - you and me both MF, you and me both.

EVERYONE - Thank you, honestly.

The Immoral Matriarch said...

So what's the next step?

Xbox4NappyRash said...

Hi IM, the next step is ETs (separate) appointment with the doctor in 1.5 weeks where she will push the doctor for tests for herself and/or referral info.
In 3 weeks I retest, with a further 2 weeks for results.

In the meantime I hope we can identify a suitable specialist, which we will see with or without our own doctor's assistance.

It's time for the big guns.

-thanks for askin' ;-)

BusyDad said...

Dude. You are too funny. Why don't I comment more on your blog? Check out my latest post, you'll know why.

Pinky said...

HI XBox, I came to your blog via BusyDad. Love reading your stuff, but I have NO idea about sperm counts. I do wish you the best, though, and know how urgent the need to conceive is!
How long have y'all been trying?
Take care and keep your spirits up.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@BusyDad - 'Check out my latest post, you'll know why.' You whore ;-)

@Pinky - Thank you. we are 36 hours short of 11 months! I know in the greater scheme of things it's not THAT long but as you say, the urgency seems to take over.

thanks for popping by and commenting, I appreciate it. Maybe you might even come back ;-)

A Whole Lot of Nothing said...

No advice.

Though have you tried bumping uglies upside down?

It works.

If not for the baby-making result, you'll forget about it for a few hours(?) while you try it.

Goooo Team Spencer!