Monday, 24 March 2008

Supplementing Spencer

Now I'm going to get all serious and sciencey on your hides.

It's a big week for Spencer and the boys, Grand Prix week, 6 days which will make or break his reputation. (I am in negotiations with a sub-contracting sperm called Samson should Spencer not deliver.)

He needs the best preparation possible. We've tackled the mental preparation here but of course we need to back that up with real physical conditioning.
Keeping his condo nice and cool is a prerequisite, therefore I'm writing this wearing nothing but an itch and a pervy grin.
The hour we spent cycling in the snow last night on our way to and from a Christmas (yes, Christmas, we have strange friends) dinner also will help prime him.

But nature alone isn't enough!
This world we live in strips us of vital nutrients and send us towards a downward spiral of impending sterility. To combat this and to give Spence the best preparation possible we are pumping him full of supplements.
As usual the internet is as much a hindrance as a help with this stuff, but after much googling we've come up with what we reckon is best needed.

So fellas, listen carefully and take note. If that's too much for you to handle, then just look at the pictures.

Vitamin C - Yes guys, not only is this good if you want to avoid scurvy on transatlantic exploration expeditions, but it oxidizes and detoxifies just about everything. Great if you are a smoker or often in smoky or polluted environments. Recommended is 250-500mg per day for smokers. I'm not, but I gobble 1000mg a day anyway as I'm waiting for a call from Christopher Columbus, I hear he's on the look out for a sarcastic chunky lazy shipmate.

Vitamin E - It savages 'Free Radicals'. I'll be fecked if I know what they are. I think they are a band. Nonetheless, they are bad and simply must be savaged. I'm told 50-100mg per day is enough to kick the hole of a Free radical.


Zinc - Zinc is a handy wee bugger. It doesn't particularly add anything but it does stop your boys being generally crap at what they are supposed to do. The 'Acrosome reaction' is when the boys do stuff at just the right time to get stuck into that egg good n'hard, often this reaction is mistimed (do I hear an 'don't I know it' from the ladies...?) but Zinc helps the timing to stay in good order. At least 10mg per day is recommended.

Beta Carotene - Again an antioxidant with Vitamin A, purifies and sharpens everything. Other than that I'm not too sure what it does, but it DOES have a carrot on the bottle so I reckon it improves Spencer's eyesight so he can see better in the dark. 15mg a day and Bob's your uncle.


Disclaimer for Americans - This is not medical advice. Don't sue me. I have shag all of value anyway. If you do, I'll go on Oprah and play the sympathy card of being a sub-fertile male being hounded by capitalist bastards.

Incidentally, if any of you internet experts out there actually know your stuff and are willing to inform me that I might be killing myself or leaving myself open to turning orange or growing a second tail by ingesting these supplements then I would appreciate a wee 'heads up'.

P.S. She DID read it after all, which is why I have to be very male and stupid and self destructive by posting silly pictures.

Stay tuned...

27 comments:

Married Leos said...

I will get you my salsa recipe also, I hear sometimes the ladies ( eggs ) like the suave latinos.

Barlow Putz said...

you remember me right? well i was on wheat germ, mollasses, tigers's milk, buttermilk, seein the doc ever three days to see if i was becoming potent, we talked adoption, (remember we were childless after 4 years in a home Mormon, that taught multiple and replentish the earth)

Barlow Putz said...

oh ye and lots and lots of bannana's for potasium

Dan said...

I can't believe I'm going to say this in public, but...

Both times kerry fell pregnant it was directly after I had decided to stop masturbating. I think it dilutes the semen or something.

I hope you appreciate what I just did there.

Roth Family Adventures said...

Like an athlete preparing for a big game. Your regimen sounds good too me, but I'm no expert.

Wouldn't cycling hurt the boys?

Momo Fali said...

I wish my zinc was so perky.

Stay at home dad said...

It is one of life's ironies that conception seems to be achieved just when neither party is actually trying to conceive...

With all those supplements, you're on your way to checking out anywhere from 50 to 90 I'd say.

Hilary (The Trying Game) said...

Those pictures are classic. Thanks for sharing! :)

I've read somewhere that having a bit of caffeine about 30 minutes prior to doing the deed also helps "wake up" the less motile sperm. Not sure if that's true or not.

I made D get a Starbucks before our IVF retrieval just for good measure....

tee hee your posts are getting funnier and funnier and I just love reading them. So does my mom! (remember shat a big fan she is?) You've got quite a fan base in Vancouver, Canada my friend!

Hilary (The Trying Game) said...

sorry, meant to say "what" not "shat".

Unfortunate typo!

Russ said...

Saw palmetto is another trendy supplement from the states. I'm not sure what it's supposed to do, but it's in most if not all of the male vitamin packs. I think it is supposed to help out ye olde prostate.

I believe the caffeine is also helpful, as Hilary pointed out.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Married Leos - I'm a lot of things but neither suave nor Latino are one of them!

@Barlow Putz - You're very hard to forget Barlow..
Every 3 days? I must look into the more 'foody' side of thing as opposed to just vitamins and/or mineral supplements.
Bananas would cause me a problem. They scare me.

@Dan - I have SO many questions (ok, jokes) that I would want to add there, but they just don't seem appropriate outside of a pub.

I salute your moment of bravery, and I'm humbled by your choice of location for that revelation.

@Roth Family Adventures - Excessive cycling is not good, but it's pretty rare these days for me. Maybe every weekend or two, half hour max normally.

@Momo Fali - I must confess, TECHNICALLY there is a double dosage of Zinc there, but I couldn't leave her with just one boob. Not without getting really artistic(Pervy).
The rest though, is exactly my daily dosage.


@Stay at home Dad - Indeed that seems to be the case.Although I can't imagine any time soon when we are 'not trying.'

@Hilary - I'm curious about this caffeine thing, I have my doubts as to its grounding i science, but I'm still SO gonna try it.

WAVES HELLO TO HILARY'S MAM!

@Russ - Palmetto, new one on me. I'll be checking it out.

Married Leos said...

Hey I was talking about Spencer and the boys, maybe a little mexican hot salsa will turn the boys into little Rico Suave's

Lyssa Ireland Thomas said...

I didn't realize you were quite the artist, also! The male was quite impressive, indeed. Too hilarious, my friend!

We went to Grand Cayman when we were trying to conceive. They swear by turtle soup for fertility. My husband was too much of a wussy to try it and I did NOT end up pregnant that month. Maybe you should see if you can get some?

Deb said...

LOL! Love the graphic depictions.

I trust your lovely wife is taking prenatals and devouring anything and everything containing folic acid, too, right?

I think you should ditch the cycling altogether. I'm just sayin'.

tiff said...

Nice supplementation there. Just wanted to add that if the lady was to increase her zinc intake, there is a higher icidence of multiovulation and therefore twins. Trust me on that one :P

tiff said...

Nice supplementation there. Just wanted to add that if the lady was to increase her zinc intake, there is a higher icidence of multiovulation and therefore twins. Trust me on that one :P

Veronica said...

I read Tiffs comment and I am really tempted to try lots of zinc.

Anyway, sounds like a good regime. Now all you need to do is get Spencer lifting weights and he will be fit as a fiddle.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Married Leos - I'd send him in with a sombrero, cheap tequila and a Ricky Martin CD if I thought it would work ;-)

@Lyssa Ireland Thomas -
Those pictures are perfectly to scale also I'll have you know...

Turtle soup? I'd do turtle soup no problem. Feck it, I'd bite the head off one.


@Deb - Yep, she's all folic acid-ed up also.
The cycling is really just incidental, totally non impact. I do more damage cutting my toenails.

@Tiff - I must check out the zinc for the ladieeeez idea. Although, twins... easy does it there Tiff, easy does it.

@Veronica -
The poor wee fella can hardly hold his head up, never mind lift weights...

Tara R. said...

Pictures! I love the pictures... makes following all the sciencey stuff so much easier.

A Whole Lot of Nothing said...

I'm requesting your artistic skills to draw a picture of my fat ass sitting all day on the compy whilst (that's a fancy Irish/English term, right?) allowing my children to play with their own poo.

Can you do that for me?

I'm never letting you out of that comment, mister.

Dorky Dad said...

Wait Dan! You mean that spanking the monkey prevents pregnancy? That is the most shocking news I've heard all day long.

And you'd better eat them oranges, X. I just read about Magellan's trip around the globe. Scurvy sucks ass.

Jeremy Neal said...

Pictures are a riot. Exercise, vitamins, pep talks - instead of Oprah, you should see if Dr. Phil can tell to get their act together already!

Kelley said...

Oh you have got me all hot and bothered. I need me some vitamins now baaaaaaaad.

*snigger*

Free balling is your best bed buddy. Better invest in a kilt.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Tara - see, my humiliation is educational AND fun...

@Kept Housewife - aaaaaaaaahahahahaha.

@Dorky Dad -
I'm still weak from laughing at Dan's comment. I can just see his wife sitting him down and having to tell him to JUST STOP IT for goodness sake...

@Jeremy Neal - Dr Phil scares me. He's trying to kill Oprah.

@Kelley - I fancy a go on some zinc myself...

Skirt? No.

Colleen said...

I think my husband needs more vitamin C.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

Now now Colleen, I'm sure he doesn't complain about your Zinc intake ;-)

Sarah said...

Oh my....LOVE the drawings. Just love them.