Now I'm going to get all serious and sciencey on your hides.
It's a big week for Spencer and the boys, Grand Prix week, 6 days which will make or break his reputation. (I am in negotiations with a sub-contracting sperm called Samson should Spencer not deliver.)
He needs the best preparation possible. We've tackled the mental preparation here but of course we need to back that up with real physical conditioning.
Keeping his condo nice and cool is a prerequisite, therefore I'm writing this wearing nothing but an itch and a pervy grin.
The hour we spent cycling in the snow last night on our way to and from a Christmas (yes, Christmas, we have strange friends) dinner also will help prime him.
But nature alone isn't enough!
This world we live in strips us of vital nutrients and send us towards a downward spiral of impending sterility. To combat this and to give Spence the best preparation possible we are pumping him full of supplements.
As usual the internet is as much a hindrance as a help with this stuff, but after much googling we've come up with what we reckon is best needed.
So fellas, listen carefully and take note. If that's too much for you to handle, then just look at the pictures.
Vitamin C - Yes guys, not only is this good if you want to avoid scurvy on transatlantic exploration expeditions, but it oxidizes and detoxifies just about everything. Great if you are a smoker or often in smoky or polluted environments. Recommended is 250-500mg per day for smokers. I'm not, but I gobble 1000mg a day anyway as I'm waiting for a call from Christopher Columbus, I hear he's on the look out for a sarcastic chunky lazy shipmate.
Vitamin E - It savages 'Free Radicals'. I'll be fecked if I know what they are. I think they are a band. Nonetheless, they are bad and simply must be savaged. I'm told 50-100mg per day is enough to kick the hole of a Free radical.
Zinc - Zinc is a handy wee bugger. It doesn't particularly add anything but it does stop your boys being generally crap at what they are supposed to do. The 'Acrosome reaction' is when the boys do stuff at just the right time to get stuck into that egg good n'hard, often this reaction is mistimed (do I hear an 'don't I know it' from the ladies...?) but Zinc helps the timing to stay in good order. At least 10mg per day is recommended.
Beta Carotene - Again an antioxidant with Vitamin A, purifies and sharpens everything. Other than that I'm not too sure what it does, but it DOES have a carrot on the bottle so I reckon it improves Spencer's eyesight so he can see better in the dark. 15mg a day and Bob's your uncle.
Disclaimer for Americans - This is not medical advice. Don't sue me. I have shag all of value anyway. If you do, I'll go on Oprah and play the sympathy card of being a sub-fertile male being hounded by capitalist bastards.
Incidentally, if any of you internet experts out there actually know your stuff and are willing to inform me that I might be killing myself or leaving myself open to turning orange or growing a second tail by ingesting these supplements then I would appreciate a wee 'heads up'.
P.S. She DID read it after all, which is why I have to be very male and stupid and self destructive by posting silly pictures.