Wednesday, 26 March 2008

Brace Yourself

Let's put aside the minor matter of me being incapable of getting an Irish Catholic woman pregnant, which, frankly, in itself has GOT to be some kind of 'first' in medical science.

Let's put aside the fact that 1 week from now I have to repeat the entire self abuse and humiliation adventure all over again.

Let's put aside that my very manhood is brought into question by my previous experience.

Let's focus on another aspect of my ever deteriorating existence that will serve to chip away at the remaining fragments of respect, self or otherwise, that I possess.

I am already at somewhat of a physical disadvantage in life, I'm 'horizontally challenged'.
At 5 feet 6inches, I am a short arse. By Irish standards I am freakishly small, by Dutch standards I could be bloody Frodo.

As with most of life challenges, I get on with it, "what doesn't kill you..." and all that shite, but, as I wait for that growth spurt that I should have received as a teenager, I've been granted the joy of another teenage rite of passage. BRACES.

Twenty four hours from now, I, at 30 years, 5 months and 27 days of age, will have a feckin brace fitted to my upper rack.

Aside from pain, which I had made an agreement with Satan about many moons ago (he was gonna get to keep my first born child or something, I forget the details), I am going to look to look like a prize donkey. A gimp of the highest order.

How can I hand over the next 'shameful sample' while all red faced and shiny braced?

How can I get Spencer to take my instruction seriously when there's spittle flying everywhere as I bellow "I believe I can fly" in his general direction ?

How can I control unwanted saliva from dripping onto ET's sudoku puzzles when we are in our upcoming throws of passion on our quest to infinity and beyond ?

How can I eat a Cadbury's creme egg?

I need a lie down....

21 comments:

Lance said...

Martin,

You have many funny (and by that I mean sad) posts, but this one killed me. Nice!

Hockeyman said...

So I'm guessing now you'll have to trade the Damien Rice and Ray LaMontagne mementos for Hanna Montanna and the Jonas Brothers. ;)

A Whole Lot of Nothing said...

The fact that hockeyman knows who the Jonas Brothers are is questionable.

Get the color bands on your braces to be extra cool.

Roth Family Adventures said...

Braces at 30? That is unfortunate. I hope it doesn't have any adverse affect on the job you must perform (and perform well) with Spencer in a few days.

Tracey said...

Tears of mirth are pouring down my cheeks. Thank God you have a sense of humour. These things may have killed a lesser man. Good luck with all that!

Dan said...

At least your trousers wont fall down.

Oh wait, not those sorts of braces. OK.

Lyssa Ireland Thomas said...

Get ET to dress up like a school girl because you can now officially pass as a 14 year old boy! Pretend like you're trying not to get caught with your pants down by her parents. You've got to work it, man! This could be very HOT!

You'll be yelling at your 6 year old for throwing a pillow across the room thus knocking everything off the coffee table to the floor before you know it!

Momo Fali said...

I may as well be Gollum to your Frodo, because that post killed me! I can assure you, as any good reader would, that I will eat enough Cadbury Creme Eggs for the both of us.

EmmaK said...

My sympathies are with you on the brace issue. re eating the cadbury's cream egg: melt it in a microwave and suck through a straw?

The Immoral Matriarch said...

LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!

Nola said...

I love ya just as you are! Happy 1 day early B-day!

PG said...

maaaaaaaaaaaaate, all I could think of is the pic you posted a couple weeks ago.... you know, the one with the goat and it's braces....
SORRY, I know I will rot in Hell!

frog ponds rock... said...

Ewww how can you eat a cadbury creme egg... EEwwww *shudders*

Veronica said...

I read this whole post to Nathan and he laughed. In a good way.

Stock up on soups.

Karen MEG said...

OMG, I swear, you are getting funnier and funnier... mind if I blogroll you my friend? I must share.

*Frodo*... you kill me. It must be difficult living amongst blond giants.

Braces at 30; well Tom Cruise got them at 40, so maybe your earlier intervention will prevent you from future couch-hopping on Oprah.

Putz said...

shameful sample...ha ha, this could all be sexy if it weren't so awful, when i went through it that is exacly what i thought, like nurse if i could please have some help in here,,, now that really embarassess me, but that is reality isn't it xbox4nappyrash??? you are probably the only one that can relate....

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Lance - I'm glad my misery brings you such joy. No, really, it makes my freakin' day.

;-)

@Hockeyman - I can skip the billy ray cyrus seedling, but I'd be more than willing to swap for a few Benjamin Franklins no problems...

@Awholelotofnothing - Shouldn't you be packing boxes or something?

@Roth Family Adventures - Yes, 30, and a half. Does life get any better than this?

@Tracey - Oh yes, I'm all man. As recent events have proven...

@Dan - I've already had the trousers problems thanks very much... HERE

@Lyssa - 14? all I can say to that is BOY did I go to the wrong school...

@Momo Fali - you readers are nothing short of true martyrs...

@Emmak - Finally a REAL constructive comment, thank you dear, and welcome!
;-)

@Immoral Matriarch - You heartless bitch....

@Nola - thank you m'dear.

@PG - If you weren't so obviously bigger than me I'd...

@Frog Ponds Rock - FOCUS on the issue woman...

@Veronica - in a GOOD way? as in 'I'm f*&%ing delighted that's not me' kind of way you mean...

@Karen MEG - comparing me to Tom Cruise? are you trying to push me over the edge?
You can roll me whereevr you wish my dear.

@Putz - I hear you bud. I hear you loud n'clear.

Calli's Mama said...

I followed the link back to your :Watch Where You Sit," post. Aw, Xbox.....why does this stuff happen to you??!! It's like you have to be making this stuff up or exaggerating or something! :-)

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Calli's Mama - Not one single word of exaggeration... and it's not the bloody half of it either...
the truth as they say, is stranger than fiction.

baby~amore' said...

Good luck for collecting your 'material' and the follow on.Bring it on.

Mmm ...Cadbury Creme eggs -well one is okay.

Kelley said...

don't think the braces will stop you eating that freaking Cadbury Creme egg. Seeing I am coming over there and shoving it up your arse. ;)