Wednesday, 7 January 2009

A tragic demise

In other news, police are treating as suspicious the discovery of the remains of the stork in the small hours of yesterday morning.

The body of the bird was discovered in a wishing well at approximately 4am.

It appears that the suspected murder was carried out by an unstable individual, or individuals, in a ritualistic manner.

The stork's wings were restrained with what is thought to be it's own baby-carrying handkerchief, and the words 'relax THIS, bitch' were etched into its chest with a blunt instrument, believed to be plastic.

Two broken ovulation prediction tests were found near the scene with traces of the stork's blood.

The stork's anal cavity appeared to have been packed full with a substance which the medical examiner claims to be the much talked about 'baby dust'.

The actual cause of death is believed to be drowning, as a significant amount of fluid was found in the creature's lungs. The fluid was later shown to be urine, and was notably lacking any trace of the hormone hCG.

When asked were there any developments in the investigation, the detective in charge said that they had narrowed down the profile of the suspected killer to one sixth of the population.

And now, for the weather.


68 comments:

RRP said...

My only fear is that it's a serial killer. Perhaps someone should tell Aunt Flo to lock her doors tonight. She could be next...

areyoukiddingme said...

He had it coming!!!

iVegasFamily said...

That bird f#*ked with the wrong people.

Lance said...

Keeping the sense of humor? Very Good.

Jane G said...

I'm laughing out loud at the idea of the stork's arse being packing with baby dust. He's obviously not shitting all over the right people (although something or somebody is shitting all over us!).

John Braine said...

In other news John Braine was recently spotted laughing out loud at every single line of a blog post about a dead stork. We believe this was an unprecedented record of laughs per line.

prayingtodarwin said...

If the cops come around here, asking me questions, I'm sorry, but I have to tell them what I know.

I won't do time for you.

Again.

Ms. Moon said...

All I can say is- if my cabbage patch gets fire-bombed, I am going to have some strong suspicions about the perp.

Chuck said...

Holy crap ... I really can't read you at work anymore. My job just isn't funny enough to play off the laughter.

Christa said...

Fucking birds.

Kori said...

Oh, my.

Leslee said...

Do you feel better after taking it out on the bird? I need some sort of physical release of my anger and have been looking for the perfect target. Need to find out where the storks hide around these parts.

It would be funny if it wasn't so so sad. Oh, who am I kidding? You're a genius and really stinking funny. As always.

Mr Lady said...

I will tell you why I hate you know.

I write a blog about nothing. Anything. Everything. Limitless material. And it sucked after about 3 weeks.

You write a blog about one teensy tiny little window of your life, your PENIS none the less, and it gets better every day.

Suck it, XBox.

Putz said...

oh you couldn't, you you didn't...you you did...it had to be you...you are the only one diabolical enough to kill a stork...and the ovuation evidence points directly to the 'NAPPY' oh how could you....your bitterness knows no ends...hyppos bring babies ...don't you know they fly through the air with there bulky boddies

Captain Steve said...

Fucker totally deserved it.

Mo and Will said...

You are sick, absolutely sick, Xbox. But you always make me laugh.

mo

Maxi Cane said...

Storks are gay anyway.

Kim said...

If any one asks, I was with you last night. Now, its off to the drug store. I seem to be out of OPKs...

frogpondsrock said...

Ack!! Who's next? The bloody tooth fairy I hope. That mean old fairy still owes me 20 cents from 1972. She needs to be taken out as well..

Feebee said...

Brilliant! If you can't have one, no-one gets one. I wish I'd thought of that.

Sarah said...

ha ha ha ha!

fowl play.

Amy said...

Restrained with a bum-full of dust, drowning in urine...
Probably it was just a normal Saturday night. Storks are pretty wild, I hear.

S said...

Can't say I'm sorry. Nothing more than that c*nt deserved.

Your post had me pissing myself. Hope you don't mind me linking you on my blog.
I really need to share that with the folks who read it.

Thanks again!

Mick said...

Good post. It reminds me of a joke I once heard many moons ago:

Little Johnny asked, “Mommy, where do babies come from?”

His mother replied, “The stork brings them.”

Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, “Then who fucks the storks?

The old ones are the best :-)

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

Did they do seminal DNA testing? If so, what was the count?

nola said...

That bird had it coming. Good riddance! Love it!

Veronica said...

The comments! I am dying here!

And it wasn't me anyway, everyone knows I just would have plucked and roasted the damn thing.

K. Bauer said...

I don't know nuthin' and you can't prove anything!!

Anonymous said...

Brilliant!
Deno

Dto3 said...

What does stork taste like? Chicken?

Quickroute said...

Do you have a good alibi like you were bonkin' or something?

NukeDad said...

Didn't that stork play drums for Spinal Tap? There's your out, right there. Can't dust for vomit; can't dust for baby dust.

Ed (zoesdad) said...

Thank God! That damn bird has just about destroyed my life.

James Austin said...

I hope PETA doesn't read your blog!!

tiff said...

Well, I hope the perps feel better for their killing.
That stork has been asking for it for...oh about 23 cycles, if you ask me.

Hilary (Maya Papaya) said...

My goodness!

River said...

You're supposed to get rid of the body and the murder weapons. Remember that for next time, okay? Veronica's idea sounds good.

*~*Bodhi~*~Englightenment*~* said...

LMAO it's always good to see that ttcer's have such a good sense of humour...I think it's a must!!

Craig D said...

Y'see... this is why I don't watch the news.

Tismee2 said...

I heard!

Everyone's 'storking' about it!!

I need to watch out I don't cut myself!

Anonymous said...

Hey, I see you are very angry about this journey but I am glad you have found a way to vent, it is the only way to remain sane and focus, especially if this journey goes on for a long time. I truely hope that you get your miracle and that your 2009 baby is on the way. If it doesn't believe me the whole journey to the birth date is a new, exciting and different one and the relief of being on that new journey seems to make the 9 months tolerable no matter when they finally come. Best wishes

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@RRP - she's been a marked woman for a long time...

@areyoukiddingme - certainly did!

@iVegasFamily - on a regular basis!

@Lance - no choice my man, no choice...

@Jane G - Payback.

@John Braine - oh the things that amuse us...

@prayingtodarwin - What's 15 to life between friends eh?

@Ms. Moon - Now you're talking my language

@Chuck - PLEEEEEEASE tell me you work in a morgue...

@Christa - Exactly!

@Kori - Oh, er... you

@Leslee - Hunt them down and take them out.

@Mr Lady - just two more ribs to be removed and I can.

@Putz - Prove it...

@Captain Steve - Never a truer word was spoken

@Mo and Will - Sick eh? cool.

@Maxi Cane - That's flamingoes I think you're confusing them...

@Kim - Except for the wife, obviously....

@frogpondsrock - there's a fairy for bloody teeth?

@Feebee - No mercy whatsoever.

@Sarah - Someone was bound to make that gag

@Amy - Storks and Tara Reid!

@S - Cheers!

@Mick - That, is classic, very funny.

@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] - You've lost me

@nola - :0)

@Veronica - Stork for breakfast...

@K. Bauer - ...your honour!

@Deno - Thanks!

@Dto3 - Stork McNuggets?

@Quickroute - 24 bloody 7...

@NukeDad - must make note of that one...

@Ed (zoesdad) - aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahaha

@James Austin - She a Russian girl?

@tiff - and many more I suspect!

@Hilary (Maya Papaya) - that's it, play innocent...

@River - sure, scary....

@*~*Bodhi~*~Englightenment*~* - No choice! Welcome!

@Craig D - That and no TV...

@Tismee2 - lord, help me...

@Anonymous - Well I'm refusing to call it a miracle, it's biology!
Thanks for your good wishes.

Marissa said...

your writing is brilliant.

your perseverance is inspiring.

poor stork. he had it coming though. justified homicide.

WhatAboutNovember said...

Wasn't me. I have an alibi. I was sleeping at the time of the incident. No, no one saw me sleeping, but I SWEAR I was. Couldn't have been me.

Brilliant. If I had less scruples, I would totally plagiarize this entry.

Gaby said...

I have to remember not to drink water while reading your blog!!!:D
Thanks for being so amazingly funny! Maybe this will teach those birds a lesson and they will actually give you a 2009 baby.
Happy New Year!

Penelope said...

Blimey! Is that the sound of marbles being lost that I hear? ;o)

Edith said...

It wasn't me!



*hopes they don't discover the low LH hormone in the urine even though it's ovulation time*

Especially the "Relax THIS, bitch" is cracking me up!

Thanks, I needed the laugh! :)

Bluestreak said...

xbox - watch your stork karma. They might come for you a la Alfred Hitchcock and you might end up with quadruplets or something.

bsouth said...

Damn, everyone else was already too funny so I can't think of anything to say now. "Great post" sounds a bit lame really.

womb for improvement said...

If I find out that stork was heading for London there will be hell to pay.

(defo a post for your best bits)

Momo Fali said...

Poor dumbass bird, probably never saw it coming.

Liv said...

So funny I can't stand it...found your blog from LFCA. I brought my husband over to re-read again...I'm still crying from laughter!

Amy said...

LOL, pardon my ignorance, I had to google Tara Reid. Check the archives - perhaps she and the stork have made some home movies...

The Microblogologist said...

I wonder if that is what happened across the street from my apartment, there are two cops cars and an ambulance out there... OK I suspect it is a drunk undergrad, possibly a minor (I feel like such a busybody but she was screaming bloody murder).

Angel said...

I'm so sorry it had to come to this. If "anyone" needs an allibi...

Jenni said...

haha - the baby dust was a nice touch.

Kathryn said...

You never cease to surprise and amaze me and make me laugh out loud. Bless you XBox!

Stella said...

this is your best writing yet.

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

Big Momma Pimpalishisness said...

Man you are awesome.

B said...

I think this might be one of your best one imo.


...it's the exact kind of thing I wish I'd be able to think up of if I were in your predicament.

Mistress B said...

And now for the weather where cyclone Xbox has decimated cabbage patches worldwide.

Stand by for further developments......

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@Marissa - Say more stuff like that ;0)

@WhatAboutNovember - You snooze, you lose ;0)

@Gaby - Thank you, many happy returns!

@Penelope - I was always afraid I would swallow them.

@Edith - Don't we all!

@Bluestreak - I fancy seeing that remake eh?

@bsouth - You can just leave the 2 quid in the box and say nowt if you fancy.

@womb for improvement - Nah, it's all celebrity adoptions he's busy with these days.
I don't get the best bits bit though. You people are weird.

@Momo Fali - A clean hit, a pro.

@Liv - You're very welcome! glad you got a laugh.

@Amy - I think its a good thing you're not familiar with Tara Reid.

@The Microblogologist - I presume you recorded it...

@Angel - about 1 billion I reckon...

@Jenni - Baby dust, my ass.

@Kathryn - Oh I've been blessed alright, not sure what with though.

@Stella - That kind of makes me sad ;0)

@Big Momma Pimpalishisness - Awwww. (what you been up to?)

@B - I don't get you lot, really.

@Mistress B - Welcome! fire bombing cabbage patches, thats more like it.

Joe said...

How did it not snap it's beak shut when you were busy urinating down it's throat?

This kinda risk you're willing to take, but sensible ones is a no no eh?

womb for improvement said...

X, I think you might have misunderstood me. When I said this post was one for your best bits that isn't saying it was good, simply better than the rest of the drivel you churn out. (Is that more like it?)

B said...

"you lot"

i'm only one person though?

Tanya said...

Oh no...you DIDN'T!

WiseGuy said...

Here....I am sending all the filled buckets to my neighbours...Buckets filled with what? Tears. I admit, I killed ####ing bird.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

@joe - Dude, it wasn't me.

@Womb 4 improvement - What a delightfully vicious bitch you are!
Keep it up.

@B - Ah yes but symbolic of a generation.

@Tanya - Nope, wasn't me.

@Wiseguy - You may need a lawyer.