Friday 14 March 2008

Number Crunching

You lot are a right shower of useless donkeys aren't you?

You were supposed to give me some deep insightful thoughts into my results, showing me the light at the end of the tunnel. Instead you faff about in your mother's slippers wishing me "Good Luck". Well, good luck bites.
For those devoid of a sense of sarcasm, I'm actually quite grateful for those who reacted with their knowledge on the figures (albeit somewhat limited and/or obscure to say the least). Thank you.

Here's some number crunching for you.

Some online doctor website who's name I can't ever remember has a formula for calculating the number of champion sperm per swimming competition.

Sperm count
Progressively Motile Sperm (A + B)

This gives you the total number of Potent, fast, direct and correctly shaped sperm, in other words your final haul of ammunition.

It takes into account more of the overall situation, and not just individual scores.

It makes sense to me, as a scientifically challenged male at least.

If I were an egg (now there's a blog entry for the future), I'd be more worried about 25% of 100million sperm rubbing up against me than 50% of 30 million

Taking the 'norm' values as the bench mark:

20Million X 50% X 30% X 2.75ml

This gives the 'norm' a total of 8.25Million real hard bastards per squelchy session.

Now take my results:

64Million X 32% X 33% X 2.5ml

This gives Xbox Balboa a total of 16.9Million of the fuckers. That's DOUBLE the normal army.

Am I nuts?
Am I grasping at pubes here?
Am I being testicularly testy over my test?
Am I onto something?
Am I on something?
Am I 15Million sperm short of a mouthful?

I give up thinking.
The bottom bloody line is that it doesn't matter if my scores came back all double the norm, it wouldn't change a thing, there's no baby.

With these results there IS still a chance, and not a bad chance either.
Today, I'm confident, this CAN still happen naturally, and if it doesn't I'm POSITIVE that with a little assistance we'll hit the jackpot.

So I'm still game for a miracle, and I guess we'll just have to wait and see.
48 hours and counting...


Hilary (Maya Papaya) said...

LOL at "grasping at pubes"

I think you have a more than decent chance of success, and really your odds look great to me. The math is right on.

There may not be a baby today, but that kid is coming...

Russ said...

So my math wasn't that far off then!

I agree with hilary, "grasping at pubes" about made me shoot my afternoon beer through my nose. That would be a waste of good beer.

Jason Roth said...

I was going to say something witty about "grasping at pubes," but it appears a couple folks already beat me to the punch.

I'm not too good at math, but the numbers don't make sense to me.

Martin said...

@Hilary - ...there's an election joke in there SOMEWHERE. I'm beyond grateful that you agree with my theory ;-)

@Russ - creative mathematics Mr R, always good. I think it IS time for a beer now that you mention it.

@Roth & family - It's gonna be my 2nd goal in life to convince you my figures make sense!

(seriously, where do you think they don't add up, you're making me nervous lol)

Lance said...

After extensive analysis of your numbers, I do believe you are correct. Go for the knock-out!!!!

Anonymous said...

lol. I have to say that in the entire 1 1/2 years my husband and I were trying for a baby, never once did I read a man's perspective on the whole process. Enlightening.

and highly entertaining.

I haven't read through your whole blog so I have no idea how long you guys have been trying, but have hope. It can happen. I got pregnant when hubby and I had pretty much accepted that it would never happen naturally. It did.

Even if you don't come by it naturally, who the hell cares as long as you get your baby.

Anonymous said...

The math geek in me had to do some analysis and the formula makes sense. :D

Volume * Concentration = Total Count
2.5mL * 64 Million = 160 Million

Of that 160 Million, 32% are in Motility A and B.

160 Million * 32% = 51.2 Million are good swimmers

Of the 51.2 Million, 33% don't have two heads or no tails (Morphology), so...

51.2 Million * 33% = ~16.9 Million good fast swimmers.

Looks like your math is good to me!

Now go send in the troops! :D

Anonymous said...

Head hurts... Too much math... Too much pressure to leave funny comment... Ack.

Anonymous said...

OK sorry, too busy laughing at all the testicle jokes to remember anything in that post...

Good luck with your mothers slippers by the way...

frog ponds rock... said...

heheheh that is a lot of millions or are sperm counted as squillions????

I have an award for you...

cheers kim xxx

Veronica Foale said...

15m sperm short of a mouthful? You DO know that ET won't get pregnant if they end up in her mouth, right?

Oh yeah and your formula makes sense. WOO HOO!

Deb said...

LOL... we really are a shower of donkeys.

Have they had you guys do the post-coital test? That's a pretty enlightening (if not disgusting) exam.

Sorry, didn't mean to get all serious on you. I'm sure the next comment will be funnier.

Anonymous said...

you're gonna want to remove all pubes with a straight razor and then submerge testicles in a bowl of hot water and epsom salt. that should do the trick.

robkroese said...

Focus on the things you can control. I don't know about all that math, but I know that you could easily multiply your odds by a factor of 10 if you stop being so picky about who the mother is.

Anonymous said...

Dude - you're crazy! I love it!

Our Crooked Tree said...

I suck at math. When we were trying we went with the theory of doing it as much as possible as often as possible; we made it past the goalie twice! Although it seems to take forever you are doing everything right! Keep it up...the good work that is:)

Martin said...

@Lance - That's what I wanna hear!

@Cable Girl - I'm also surprised at the lack of material out there by/for fellas who are trying. Your last remark I agree with a million percent.

@Jared - Yes, Yes, Yes. See, I'm not totally insane.

@Nola - 'Ack' is good enough for me.

@Kelley - They are all I have left of her. Sob...

@Frog Ponds Rock - Still mental I see, thanks.

@Veronica - Now that WOULD be asking a lot of the swimmers.

@Deb - no, no post coital yet. They've just focussed on humiliating ME for now. thanks for joining in ;-)

@Struglas - I really don't know what to say to that...

@Diesel - Top notch suggestion, unfortunately chronic ugliness limits my ability to spread my net & seed wider.

@Jeremy Neal - I wanna take that as a compliment, but...

@Our Crooked Tree - Well we are certainly going for the 'as much as possible' approach. Thanks for the reassurance.

See - SOME of you are reasonably intelligent....