Monday 3 March 2008

La Blitz Du Ovulation!

This is probably venturing into the realm of 'Too Much Information' but what do I care anymore, you get to hear about my inability to be correctly dressed -before, during and after important occasions such as this or this, you get to hear about my unintentional workplace kinkyness and indeed you get to hear about my enforced self pleasuring, using the term pleasure very loosely of course.

Anyway, It's a big day or so here in the mad house on humping hill- It's ovulation day (and a bit) !

Now, in past months we've gone with varying saddle strategies, such as:
-Gung-ho!, whenever, wherever, all month long with no idea of when ovulation is occurring.

-Guesstimation! Strategically planned around a best guess time when ovulation is probably occurring. Using the aqua team sparingly.

-L'Execution! Finding out exactly when ovulation occurs and pinpointing that time precisely. One fleet of marine experts with one mission.

-Oh-is-that-the-time! Being super cool and casual and pretending that we don't know when ovulation is. Flabby, pasty faced drunkards splashing around.

-La variation! - Variations of all of the above.

The quicker witted amongst you will be the ones to realise that none, to date, have worked.

So enter the month of 'The Ovulation Blitz!' ( or 'La Blitz Du Ovulation' for our French readers).
What does this involve?! I hear you all cry with trepidation...Well, it involves pinpointing exactly when ovulation will occur, and then proceeding to putting rabbits to shame from a day before, right through until the smile is gone from our, and the (very creepy) ovulation prediction kit's faces.

We've gone for blowing the text book standard of 'every 2 days' out of the water, and we are going warp speed.
We've 'ooooh la-la-d' our way through the past 36 hours. I've removed my underwear more times in the last day than any self respecting European male does in a working week.

Just this evening, entering the tail end of the ovulation comet (24 hours +), we arrived home to the usual argument of who is to cook. I pointed out that she needed to first go wazz on a stick, and the resulting smiley face meant that pizza got ordered, uglies got bumped, and dinner for Monday was a post coital pizza. (If that's not a gem of a marketing idea for Domino's then I don't know what is)

I'll admit, it was not easy, there were a few moments where I needed an inner pep talk and intense concentration ('focus dude!') to get through it, but we (Team idiot) did it!
Team woman, laid back and finished today's sudoko. I'm proud to say, by the end, she was finding it difficult keeping her numbers inside the wee boxes(Go team stud!).

We plan one more orbit before the ovulation comet trails off into the darkness...but hopefully not for a few hours yet...

Told you it was 'Trop d'information'...


Hilary (Maya Papaya) said...

That was a hysterical post. You should be published, my friend. Seriously.

Good stuff.

Wishing you tons of luck for this cycle!

Jason Roth said...

Our "La Blitz Du Ovulation!" was Friday and Saturday. I understand completely. Unfortunately, we already have a two-year-old, so we had less opportunity to "bump uglies," as you put it.

Unknown said...

I can't think of anything witty or decent to say here, so just imagine me standing up and cheering and yelling "WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP!" over and over again.

Anonymous said...


Well at least now I get the name ;)

We went through this. It was a pain in the naughty bits after a while. One thing to try is a little something MPS (my husband) and I did to conceive our eldest. It takes timing and precision.
1. Over fill a waterbed forcing you both to sleep on the fold out couch.
2. Wake in the morning and start doing the nasty.
3. Look over your shoulder to discover the local Jehovahs Witnesses peering through your OPEN lounge room windows....
Wham, Bam, thankyou maam, little pink one 9 months later.

We tried to recreate the scenario but the JW's were on to us by then.

Make sure that you give credit when you try this....

frog ponds rock... said...

hhehehehehe great post.. btw just think about that bloggy blessing I sent you.. that little buddha is loaded with fertility vibes....
(don't chuckle in a silly irish blokey way...) just quietly embrace the bleesing,without thinking about her...(((hugs))))

Russ said...

Thankfully I had put my coffee down before reading your post.

Go team Go! (Man, you must be feeling rather, a hem, drained by now.

Momo Fali said...

I am crying with laughter. You painted quite a picture there!

Anonymous said...

I think I've discovered the root of your problem.....

I've removed my underwear more times in the last day than any self respecting European male does in a working week.

You are wearing them! Gotta let the boys breathe... :D

Just messin' with ya. That was one funny post! Good luck to ya this month. :D

Tara R. said...

Am as speechless as Dorky Dad... I'll leave it at "oh, my." Good luck with the continuing Blitz Krieg.

Jenna said...

Not exactly romantic, but very pragmatic! I'm rooting the little homies on! Someday it will be fun again, don't worry.

Great post. Very, very funny.

Anonymous said...

"Uglies got bumped." BEST writing I've read all week.


Deb said...

I, too, loved the "uglies got bumped" bit. TMI at its finest hour.

Our Crooked Tree said...

Oh this takes me with a 3 year old and 18 month old I only dream of bumping uglies as much as you do:) Wait...TMI! Good luck this month. Great post!

Anonymous said...

Yeeeeeesssss. (Averts eyes, looks around for a speck of something, ANYTHING).

Also lucky to be not drinking at the time of reading.
Also, when it's all over and you have 23 kidlets of your own, you WILL miss these days of contant bumping the uglies. Honest.

Grimm said...

Great stuff man.

I can remember when the wonderwife decided that she wanted to have another baby and basically decided on the Gung-Ho! method.

Which really wasn't a problem for me until she wasn't allowing the neccessary recuperating time.

Get it while you can. A baby is the best kind of birth control.

Rickey said...

Good stuff buddy, Rickey digs.

Widdle Shamrock said...

Been there, done that, got the baby.

Hope the salmon swim upstream for you and we hear about a BFP (Big Fat Positive)

**Sprinkles baby dust**

Martin said...

@Hilary- Thanks for the kind words and wishes ;-)

@Roth Family Adventures - Ahh a fellow warrior! By strong my brother, be strong.

@Dorky Dad - Thanks for er... Whooping. ;-)

@Kelley - See it ALL makes sense eh? I think I might leave THAT strategy for next month, if that's ok...

@Frog Ponds Rock - Believe me I DID think about the bloggy blessing during these trying moments... after all, it IS made of wood...

@Russ - Not a drop left my friend, not a drop!

@Momo Fali - I'm crying too...different reasons ;-)

@Jared - The boys need more than to breathe, they've been asking for wee crash helmets...

@Tara R. - THanks for the nice wishes, much appreciated!

@Jenna Consolo - I'll have you know it was VERY romantic, brushed my teeth and everything!

@A Whole lot of Nothing - Best writing you read all week eh? I'd be over the moon if you hadn't written that on a Tuesday ;-)

@Deb - Thanks, glad it was somethings finest hour at least...

@Our Crooked Tree - THanks a million, its very much appreciated.

@Tiff - the Yeeeeeessssss worries me... ;-)

@Grimm - Love the way you say the wife decided, when did she let you in on the picture? on the way to the delivery room?
CHeers ;-)

@Rickey Henderson - I'm lovin' the manly name, and diggin' the good vibes. thanks!

@Nikki - I hope that baby dust washes off easier than the flaky stuff off the toothpaste tube...
Thanks for the well wishes, I appreciate it.

@ALL - You dudes and dudettes feckin rawk!

Kori said...

I loved this; I am sending you my own good fertility vibes (or really, to your poor wife!), as I am a mom of four, three of whom were not at all planned and, I thought, protected against! :) Loved this!

Karen MEG said...

Xbox, you go you!

That was hilarious! Nothing like trying to make a baby to take all spontaneity out of the game, eh? Been there, done that, and then some.

Reminds me of one of my hubs' infamous one liners..."no comments from the peanut gallery about performance OK, this is strictly for the purposes of procreation." TMI from me this time, I guess ;)

Good luck to the both of you ... keeping my fingers that this blitz works!

Martin said...

Karen meg - the spontaneity it definitely gone but the fun is still there, just in a different way. We have practically laughed our way through this month's 'blitz', which I think is pretty cool.

Great hubby quote, I SOOOO know what he means.

Joeprah said...

I am not sure if I want you guys to get pregnant yet. I am enjoying these posts too much, but than I thought to myself you would be hilarious to read no matter what the inspiration was. Go get em sir!

Anonymous said...

That was just hilarious! :-)

On a serious note, hope things work out for you two.

Martin said...

@Joeprah - Joseph, Joseph, Joseph...If ET reads this, she'll hunt you down like a rabid dog and hack you to bits with a rusty spoon.

@Tanya25m - thanks for the well wishes, I DO appreciate it very much.

Jon said...

Good times.