Wednesday 16 April 2008

Lack of adventures in babysitting

So, last night was the big babysitting evening.
I was cool, it had been a while, but I'd done this before. Many, many times.

A bit of background.
I come from a family of breeders. A group of people so f*&%ing fertile that pregnancy is the only successful form of contraception they know.

Youngest of 8 brothers and sisters, I have 18 nieces and nephews. 13 of these I have looked after for extended periods over the years before I moved here.

Anyway, we walked into the victim's living room to see Daddy holding the 7 month old angel. She took one look at me, her face inverted, and she started bawling.

Yep, I still had it.

I soon learned how to adjust her volume based on how close I stood to her, and after a half hour or so she was in my arms and NOT having a seizure.


With this, Mammy & Daddy buggered off.

There we were, ET and myself, making ridiculous sounds in the direction of this 'person'. A person who had absolutely no interest in me whatsoever.

I confidently put this down to the same reason every other Dutch woman has no interest in me, there was obviously something very wrong with her.

So there I sat on the sofa with this thing on my lap.
She tugged and pulled at a variety of vulgar coloured toys that frankly did nothing for the living room. While quite engrossed in this mind numbing activity, she would occasionally peer her big browns in my general direction, and scowl.

Now, this is where I started to wonder if there wasn't something significantly wrong with her.

Mommy & Daddy bloggers out there, hold your cherished spawn close, for what I'm about to tell you will surely chill your blood.

She didn't do one single blogworthy thing.

She didn't make one wisecrack that would have you all suspecting that I'd embellished, she didn't crawl into a flowerpot or the tumble drier or ANY cute photograph worthy position that may make you wonder if I'd staged it, she didn't show signs of knowing beyond her years and ask me how work was going or whether I was worried about getting my 2nd semen analysis result back on Thursday.


I've read all these blogs back to front, so how can this be possible?

I was just about to call social services to report this finding which was most certainly a sign of mistreatment, when she started screaming her adorable little lungs out, which ET informed me signified she wanted feeding.

Seeing as we (I) had decided anything going in or coming out of this sweet heavenly thing was ET's responsibility, I handed her over, all the while wondering how two reasonably entertaining and interesting people could have birthed such an unbloggable cherub.

Fast forwarding through this literary home video, we come to the part where the dear little butterfly wing is again screaming her face off, in my face. Deciding against screaming back in hers, I took to walking her around the room for approximately 10 days.

Having just about decided that I'd had enough of this blogfodderless baby and it's sweet adorable screaming, her parents returned, closely followed by normality.

With our coats on and ready to leave, I pointed out to the doting parents that their first born must surely have some sort of issue that needed urgent attention as she didn't find me in any way entertaining, and couldn't even be bothered to humour me with a gurgle, smile, or any of the cutesy stuff I'd signed up for.

Then, from the safety of her mother's arms the little maggot turned towards me, one little finger in her own mouth and the other pointing right at me, she started.

Her big brown eyes opened wider and she began a long screeching laugh only interrupted by wide gummy smiles, flapping hands, and pronounced nodding blinks.

I may have just grown a fucking ovary.


Kori said...

Have I told you lately that I LOVE this blog? And hey, that is basically parenting in a nutshell, at least for THIS psycho. My theory is that they smell good and look sweet when they are sleeping because otherwise we would kill and eat them. Just when we think there is nothing at all wonderful or fun or interesting or even WORTH having this squalling, shitting, cranky little...thing...around, they smile. Or grab your hand. Or, in your case, point and laugh. The love smacks you right on your ass and you spend the next 18 ish years reeling. Or such is the case with me.

MarĂ­a said...


I had more, but Kori's 'kill and eat' statement has me snickering too hard.

Anonymous said...

oh, I am loving the story about the cousin and mini cooper. hahaha. :)

Anonymous said...

The bloggable moments only come after they think they can trust you. It's like a new job, everyone does perfect the first few days, but then once comfort settles in you start ripping your hair out chasing the little feckers from fire to fire. It's fun when it's your little fecker, but better when it's not. If your just sitting, you can let the place burn and feed the monster extra high volumes of sugar and caffeine so when you leave, the parents understand they have a monster and not the finger pointing angel they found when "comfort" came home. However, karma will always bite you in the ass so be careful how bad you let the place burn or your own will double the damage. ;)

Momo Fali said...

My kids didn't start doing anything blog-worthy, until they could talk. It made going out in public quite an adventure.

Ashley said...

Okay you freaking rock. Period.

Real Live Lesbian said...

I always thought babysitting was the perfect birth control. No?

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

And now you can inseminate yourself with your testes and ovary.


Anonymous said...

Maybe you should just get a dog?

and ... when you decide you have tried all you can try, and that maybe children aren't for you and then go and book a fantastic world cruise, buy a fancy flash car and live like lords - Spencer will stick two fingers up at you and do the bizz.

Jason Roth said...

The infants tend to be a little on the boring side. All they do is lay there and eat, sleep and poop. They tend to get more blogworthy when they reach a year.

Anonymous said...

You should seriously look into adoption. And by that I mean actually start looking at kids and pay money to an agency. The reason I say this is because I know A LOT of people who conceived after they started the adoption process. Dude, it works!

Next time you babysit, please explain to the little tyke that you need blog fodder. Maybe she'll puke on you or something!

The Miss of Abyss said...

Dutch women have no taste? I dunno about that. *sniggers*

GoaldeeBug said...


Damn, and I thought this babysitting session would be just the thing to make you change your minds about having one of your own, and all your troubles would be over!

Anonymous said...

I'm with you, my kids never did anything blogable in the first year. It was eat, shit, sleep and scream. Well that is all I remember anyway.

And you look mighty hot with that new ovary.

Anonymous said...

The really young ones are, you know, boring. Most you could have hoped for was an exploding diaper. And trust me, you didn't want that!

Veronica Foale said...

The blog worthy stuff happens when they are Toddlers.

That laughing though sounds awesome. Much better then the screaming.

Our Crooked Tree said...

Nothing is blogworthy at my house; I make it all up and it still isn't that good ☺ So you just described parenting; nothing...nothing...crap...then they lay on the love. Sounds like this one had your number!

the planet of janet said...

yep. that says it all.

Lori said...

After reading your post all I could think to post was ...
"Could I love this guy any more?"

And after reading all these witty and on-point comments I couldn't think of one damn thing to say. They have said it all.
All I can do is echo.

Martin said...

@Kori -
Not for a day or so at least ;0)
Yep, they have some kind of magic that counteracts the general shittiness of it all.

@Immoral Matriarch -
Don't be going soft on me...

@Amanda -
Her husband later had to move out because she kept beating him up.
Bless her.

@Hockeyman -
Yep, I'm still waiting for the phone call to rip us to shreds as she had a 15 minute nap about 45 minutes before she normally goes down for the night.
So I'm guessing it was a late night for the humble parents.

@Momo Fali -
Answer is simple, don't educate them.

@Ashley -
A tad uncalled for, but thanks anyway ;0)

@Real Life Lesbian -
About 95% yes. BUt then you get the look or the smile or the drool and you're hooked again.

@A whole lot of nothing -
There is no need for grossisity.

@Tismee2 -
A dog is a lot of responsibility, and less bloggable.

@Roth Family Adventures -
I'll take note, and refuse any further requests for babysitting until September or later.

@ORKMommy -
Nice theory, but a TAD risky I'm thinking...
She actually did do a wee bit of puking on ET, I forgot about that.
I tend to gloss over things that don't concern me ;0)

@Anja -
Anja's a very dutch sounding name, hmmmm...

@Goaldeebug -
There goes that particular theory right out the bloody window...

@Kelley -
Was that them, or you?

@Nola -
as I said, in & out was ET's responsibility, so boring boring boring.

@Veronica -
Toddlers, eh, can I just get one of those then?
The laughing was mental, went on for ages.

@Our Crooked Tree -
You know, you are dead right, she had me sussed from the start.
The cheeky scutty look on her face as she got her parents back was remarkable.

@the planet of janet -
Yep. The end ;0)

@Lori -
You could love me a LITTLE more. In cash form.
Thank you.

Anonymous said...

'Dear little butterfly wing'? God in Heaven you are a funny bugger. That 'blogfodderless' little biatch will never live this down. Keep writing. Write three times a day, just so that I can actually laugh out loud. You're great.

Foreigner by Default said...

Does it mean you'll start getting periods now?


That'll sure brighten up your life!

For the first couple of weeks I was staring at Sir Sprout with distinct puzzlement. Not only was it no fun, it was also bleedin' TIRESOME!

And they don't even look that cute when they're born, mine was spotty and with pupils so dilated he looked like alien (plus cone head from suction, very attractive...)

Lyssa said...

The most amazing thing about your kids is that s/he is all yours. You will be amazed by every little thing s/he does and think it's the most blogworthy action EVER. Unfortunately, those first few months are pretty tough as s/he systematically tries to kill you from lack of sleep and shitting across the room EVERY TIME you remove their diaper.

Russ said...

Hey, not everyone can have exploding poo stories! (She did it again yesterday after the ballgame, btw.)

Sue said...

You are brave. I am not good with children under 3 if they are not mine. I do OK, but I'm not one of those moms who can charm a baby into giggles or secretly potty train them behind the parents' back.

Martin said...

@Tracey - I fear repetition shall take hold even at 3 times a week, never mind a day.

@Foreigner by default - so he looked just like his dad then?

@Lyssa - I'll just have to take your word for it.

@Russ - you must be so proud!

@Sue - 'brave' oh how that thought makes me laugh!

Foreigner by Default said...


You might have a point there! :D

Light said...

Well hello, I found your blog through HockeyMan's blog and A Whole Lot of Nothing....anyways I read their blogs too...but I love your blog as well and that post made me laugh out loud to the point of coughing!! Thanks! (seriously! It was a good laugh!)

Look forward to more cute moments! I love them and I'm not a parent!

Captain Steve said...

Actual babies are only fun when they're asleep. Toddlers are awesome, especially when they're not your kids, because honestly? You can get away with anything if you just blame the 3 year old. Or well, you can get away with just aiding an abetting. . . or instigating. . .or most people can, anyways. Apparently I am the mischievious type.

Cheffie-Mom said...

What a GREAT blog! I just came across it and I already love it. I am still new to blogging and have a new blog but I would love to chat. Can't wait until the next post!

Karen MEG said...

Awww, I knew you had it in ya, Xbox.

The little thing was just toyin' with ya. They're really good at that, you'll see.

Between all that blog fodder, there's a lot of other crap that best remains unwritten ;).

Deb said...

I'm going to let you in on a little secret. The blogs about adorable things kids do? Total bollox. They're all staged, exaggerated and faked.

Feel better now?

Martin said...

@FBD - poor poor hubby.

@Light - Not a parent? good, I'm sick of those smug bastards. Pull up a chair. That's a bad cough you got there...

@Captain Steve - "It was the kid your honour".

@Cheffie-Mom - well you're in luck, the 2 next posts were right above your head as you typed that.

@Karen MEG - She really was messing with me I reckon. STraight faced all evening and then, bam! when the folks get home. Cheeky maggot.

@Deb - I KNEW IT!
I'm impressed Deb, a yank using 'bollox' the Irish way and not the silly 'Bollocks' English way.