Thursday 10 April 2008

24,000,000,000 to 1


This is the number of Spencer's buddies I calculate have been dispatched into active duty in the name of trying to conceive. That's twenty-four billion.

That is further number that have been sent out on research duty.

This is the number of milligrams of vitamin supplements I would have taken in order to help the cause, had I been taking all of them from day 1.

This is the number of days we have been actively trying, and failing, to conceive.

This is the length in days of cycles it now seems. 28 don't live here no more.

This is the number of siblings (& their children) I have. A fertile bunch eh? Another cup of irony soup anyone?

This is, as of today, the number of failed cycles. A bloody year.

The percentage of couples our age who don't manage to conceive in 12 cycles.

The number of times I've had to 'milk' myself in the name of science, Not once, but twice.

This is the number of very pissed off Irish brace-mouthed, sub-fertile bloggers who is wearing correctly matched shoes for once.
It's the total number of sperm actually needed out of that twenty four feckin' billion to be any bloody good.
It's the number of wives that I have, and have disappointed time and again over the last 310 days.
It's the number of chances I want, just the f#*$ing one.


Tara R. said...

I hope that you get that one chance very soon.

Lyssa said...

This is further proof that math sucks.

Hang in there, buddy. You two will persevere. :)

morninglight mama said...

Those numbers are pretty damn harsh, man. BUT... don't give up hope. Like you said, you only need one. I'm pulling for you and your wife. (And that's meant in only a figuritive way.) :)

Resim said...

Those are strong odds, but think about the prize when you win! It'll be like hitting the mega-lottery!

Anonymous said...

1 out of 24, I hope it's the right one when it happens!

I've never written about it, but my wife and I tried for over a year to get pregnant. This may or may not make you feel better, but there ended up being an issue with my wife.

My boys worked fine...all the tests were good, but my wife would never ovulate. No egg = no baby no matter how good your swimmers are.

We had to go to a fertility doctor twice. Once for first baby and again for new baby. We went for 2.5 years (after Olivia was born) without any counter measures and never got pregnant.

Once we decided to have another baby we had to go through the whole routine again. Good times.

Laski said...

I rooting for the lucky ONE . . .

Woo . . . you have a way with numbers.

People in the Sun said...

I'm sorry it's still not there. I hope it makes you stronger as a couple while you wait.

Ed (zoesdad) said...

I was floundering in my first calculus course in college. My roommate (one of the smartst guys I'll ever know) told me one day, "Ed, don't try to figure it out--just accept it." I ended up with an A in the class.

Don't know if that helps or even how it applies. I guess my point is to somehow look beyond the frustration you are experiencing right now and enjoy the journey. It'll happen.

Foreigner by Default said...

You can be chillingly methodical at times.

I guess only a man could find some solace(?) in putting despair and frustration into numbers. To make it more reasonable, like.

It might be better for your health than female equivalent of the same mental state which mainly means a lot of wine, ice cream and bitching.

Go figure.

Jason Roth said...

Sorry to hear another cycle has come and gone with no success. I'm confident it will happen. Like I mentioned before, it took my wife and I more than a year to conceive Zane. The key is that it DID happen eventually. Keep your chin (or the other body part) up.

MarĂ­a said...

This made me cry. I'm such a sap. :(

You'll get your shot.

Putz said...

T THINK IT IS THE IRISH IN YOU THAT GETS US ALL EMOTIONAL WHeN IT COMES TO YOUR CYCLES, EFFORTS, really tug on the old heart stings, but the fact of the matter is that you don't tell us anything is permanently foregone, so i stay chipper, sad right now, but chipper...maybe like others in the end i got some r4suts, but maan i know how imoortant children are

Unknown said...

for what it's worth, my wife and I tried for about 6-7 years (although with a slightly different problem). We ended up adopting. After that a doc found the real problem and we now have a total of 3 boys.

So, I know how rough it can be. But it can work out in the end too.

Hilary (Maya Papaya) said...

Thinking of you and ET

Hang in there.

MommyHeadache said...

you sound shagged out ;)

Anonymous said...

found your site thru dadgonemad.
perhaps this will help
"Smile, breathe and go slowly."
have you considered visiting the farm ( Couples that have trouble conceiving go here, something to do with holistic medicine and crap like that, but many says it works.

Anonymous said...

I really hope this happens for you soon.

ladyshanae said...

I have no idea how I found your site, but I'm glad I did. You've had me laughing and crying in the few days that I've managed to read every entry you made. Yes, I did go back and read them all. Cuz I'm a freak.

At any rate, I can relate to you in so many ways. I may be a woman, but I've been the problem. Almost 9 years later, copious amounts of doctors, medications, and procedures, we are finally expecting.

There are things that medical science can do that are amazing. I hope that you and your wife are able to work with the professionals and find a solution so your dream of being a parent can finally come to fruition. I'm rooting for you. And Spencer.


Anonymous said...

Dude, it sucks. It sucks big, fat, hairy donkey's wossnames that Spencer keeps taking a wrong turn or the rest of the crew get a tad lazy.

But the thing is... you've got happening numbers there. You're not written out of the game.

It's going to happen.

Jared said...

Dude! 240 billion / 160 million = 150 times in 310 days? You are da' man! Holding true to that every other day methodology I see. :)

If it makes you feel any better, we haven't been preventing anything (however not tryng even close to as hard as you have been) since October. No dice yet...

Veronica Foale said...

24 billion? How are you still walking?!

(and yes, I did nearly type wanking)

Sucks for both of you.

Anonymous said...

If it makes you feel any better, my wife's conception attempts lasted a few years and she turned out ok. Just think, you are guaranteed a few nights of passionate pressure filled seconds of bumping uglies. For us married folks, you know that's a hefty workout! Some day you'll get over the stage fright and the little bastards will quit drinking at the obvious vagi-bar contained somewhere in the map to the holy land and finish the job.

Anonymous said...

I bet if you decided NOT to have kids she would get pregnant the first time you tried.

Karen MEG said...

Awwww Xbox. You are a sperm savant.

Hey, for what it's worth; we were in that 5% club too - now we've got two beautiful kids. I'm glad that you've got a specialist lined up. To this day we're still not sure what it was, exactly; we both had on/off cycles. But through the miracles of modern medicine, the boy was conceived the fun way (with a little boost); the girlie, well, not nearly as fun. But totally worth it.

Hugs to you and ET my friend. It will happen.

And on the bright side (and totally not to be condescending in any way) you DO have the benefit of time, at least to do further exploration and plan; some couples start trying at an age when fertility stats are not nearly as good.

NH Yocal said...

Wow, that is a lot of numbers and just remember, it always looks worse when you put all those numbers down on paper. Stop thinking about the math and live life to enjoy it. Remember, good things always happens when you least expect it. Bottom line, stop expecting it.

justmylife said...

I am left without words, a pretty big accomplishment for you, I must say. Good Luck, It only takes one. I am sure it will happen.

Martin said...

@Tara R.- Me too, me too.

@Lyssa - I certainly do hope so.

@Morninglight mama - I know what you mean, thanks ;0)

@Jeremy Neal - I've spent an awful lot on tickets...

@Tyler - thanks for your story, you SHOULD write about it in more detail.

@Laskigal - lucky? it's gonna have to be mutant at this stage!

@People in the sun - I hope it does, I really do. Thank you.

@Ed - I would give the same advice, but taking it...very difficult.

@Foreigner By Default - Chillingly Methodical? I'm like a Masturbating Hannibal Lecter!

I hadn't thought of it that way, I guess I do personally need numbers, dates, facts, & exact plans to keep myself calm. I get frustrated sometimes at how relaxed ET seems seems to me at times, even though she's not.

@Roth Family - It's all we can do! thanks!

@Immorach Matriarch - now that's a result!
I made the bitch cry... ;0)
(thank you very much)

@Putz - very kind words, I know you are having a tough time at the moment so thank you.

@Khyle - sweet mother of god, 6 years. I would be found hanging somewhere. I'll be over to check out your blog as soon as I can.

@Hilary - thanks mum ;0)

@EmmaK - Nail.on.the.head.
I'm shagged mentally, just tired of thinking.

@The Husband - the farm? if we head to asia it'll be to adopt some wee thing, or to get me a Thai bride, one or the other.


@Bettina - you and me BOTH woman!

@Ladyshane - I find it amazing that people would go back and read this tripe, but I'm very appreciative that you have.
9 YEARS? unbelievable.
The VERY best of luck to you now, congratulations.

@Anja - I like your certainty, or at least your ability to lie... thanks ;0)

@Jared - it is an estimate but pretty accurate I reckon, peak times is daily, or more. Otherwise its every other or 3. Take out the obvious, and it averages about that.
Good luck to ye...can't wait to see Ace's mugshot when he realises he's not No1 in town anymore !

@Veronica - the volume works out to a bit less than a pint!

@Hockeyman - I LOVE the way you say your 'wife's conception attempts', I get the feeling you had a little role to play?

@Married Leos - sounds about right!

@Keren Meg- have you written about this? I think too many 'parent bloggers' start after the fact and leave out this bit.

Thanks for the ressurance it does work out.

@Melinda - again, I would give the same advice, taking it, is SO much harder. thanks!

@just my life - thanks for the wel wishes. I hope it does!

Ashley said...

Hi, I'm new here :) I've gotta go back and read the backstory now. But, you are in my prayers...and don't give up!


PS -
my personal blog is ones under my blogger acct are less personal :)

Karen MEG said...

Xbox: just in answer, I have mentioned our issues with infertility here and there on my blog but never in any real depth; it would have been so cathartic if I had started my blog journey earlier to capture my experiences. I actually started my blog on happier terms, after the birth of the baby I thought would never be.

I don't know if there were as many bloggers talking about these issues so personally back when my journey(s) started. As is it now, I'm drawn to many blogs that focus on infertility and comment where I can. (BTW, I don't only come here only because of that reason; I happen to think you're one of the most hilarious bloggers out there - you have a real gift, and husband agrees).

I mean to post about it at some point, but it does take me back to a very, very difficult, often bitter part of my life. I was a bit of a beast through much of that phase ... you can probably blame the hormones, the poking, the prodding ... combined total of 7 not so great years (caveat, at least we had baby #1 at the 4 year mark. Funnily enough, I became almost rabid for baby #2, which took another 3 years with major intervention). I'm sure you're finding, the frustration can just really suck and if you let it, can control your life. I hope you don't let it. Let's just say that I'm a very lucky woman to have the partner that I do.

Sorry for the novel of a comment. Just know that I really feel your pain, and my wishes for your success are truly, truly heartfelt.

Martin said...

@Ashely - welcome, and thanks for your tips and advice!(this woman knows a lot folks!)

@Karen Meg - thanks for the story, it IS reassuring to know of real instances where it works out. I totally hear and understand what you mean about the frustration eating you up. It's very hard not to let it, and we are relatively early in the proces compared to your story.
Thanks for the kind words, my ego appreciates it, and never apologise for a long comment, that's precisely what I want to see, real interaction and feedback.
Thanks a million.

Unknown said...

It will happen, and personally I can't wait to return comments like you leave on my blog.

"I wonder will there be as much laughter in 15 years as he grabs your car keys and slams the door, yelling back at you to 'kiss my tush dad"

The more you wish this stuff on us, the more we can't wait to return the favor.

Do you need a cheering section? Maybe some people on the headboard yelling...stroke...stroke!

Stop worrying. Stop will happen. I know it.

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

I SO wish fertility was catching. I'd share some with you.

Anonymous said...

Well, I pretty much echo all the above. Best of luck. And for heavens sake Spencer - will you just get a bloody shimmy on.

Anonymous said...

You sound all Erin Brockovich. Without the enormous boobs.

The numbers sound scary, don't think about them. I can't say that it will happen but just know that there is an Aussie chick hoping it happens for you both.


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry. Hugs.

Anonymous said...

"milk myself" haha. Hang in there, Spencer will get the job done.

Martin said...

@Bernard - I hope you get the chance to come back and annoy me regularly with stuff like that!

and thanks again for the post. you big softie... ;0)

@Awholelotofnothing - I know you do. Thank you.

@Bsouth - not only is he a lousy swimmer, I reckon he's hard of hearing too.

@Kelley - I could give Julia Roberts a run for her money ANY DAY in the boob department.

@Tracey - thanks ;-)

@Amanda - I hope so, really do. Thanks.

Lotus (Sarcastic Mom) said...

That last line is gold.

Still cheering you on, dude.

(Also, I stand by my firm belief that only cows, and maybe goats, should ever be milked.) ;-)

Martin said...

That last line is what it's all about in the end.

Thanks for the kind words, very much appreciated.

Anonymous said...

Fertility statue in a voodoo shop in New Orleans. All I'm sayin' is that I touched ONE and look at me now.

You're a very funny read about a very serious matter. I hope that one chance comes soon. I can't wait how you write about pregnancy, birth, and life with baby. I will wave out the good thoughts and prayers.

Martin said...

@Secret Agent Mama -
Now you tell me!

We were there getting married in August 2005.

Maybe I rubbed the wrong statue?

and thanks.