Maybe it was ET's imposing 5 foot nothing frame giving them grief at 8am, or my booming prepubescent voice at lunchtime that filled them with fear and sparked the frenzy of action, but something finally went our way today.
At 5:20pm this afternoon, outside office hours, Ms trainee doctor rang to inform me that the missing semen analysis results had been magically located. I didn't ask where, when, how, or who, I just shrieked at her to give up some figures.
Sperm count, volume, and morphology were all slightly down on the last time, but no great concern.
The first time around the issue was motility, and it royally sucked. 22% in group A & 10% in group B was gonna be the cause of significant problems.
It is also widely accepted that if your boys don't swim today, you can't make them swim tomorrow.
So what did I do?
I fed Spencer, I fed him daily, until his wee gills were full of vitamins C and E, beta carotene and my secret ingredient to tackle his lethargy, zinc.
I took him aside and had a man to man talk. I revved the little bugger up, got inside his head, started his wee milky heart pumping and told the fucker to swim like his legendary grandaddy sperm had done before him.
And that, my good folk, is what the little maggot went and did.
He swam like a Chineese olympian after gobbling up one of his coach's special milkshakes.
He swam so hard and fast that I reckon that's why the results were delayed, he had them chasing that wee container around the laboratory fridge.
He swam with such gusto there were petri dish tsunami warnings issued.
The little legend swam his way to 39% in group A and 30% in group B, a total of 69% motility, more than 100% improvement, and almost 40% above the norm.
Spencer is one magnificent mass of man milk.
Monday I will see the results in detail, and get a chance to do some real comparisons, but the bottom line on this fine Friday evening is, thanks to the most heroic semen sample outside of a panda enclosure, there is no reason why we can't do this naturally.
Spencer my man, hang up your swim cap and rest well tonight, for tomorrow, together, we ride.
Congratulations!!!! Keep feeding Spencer and giving him those man talks!
Like a Chinese Olympian. I thought, oh crap, that's not good.
Congrats on the improvement.
NICE! Have fun giving Spence a good workout this weekend!!
Spencer is "one magnificent glass of man milk" indeed.
Now we're getting somewhere!! I think it all hinged on picking Spencer and selecting him as your leader!!! Congrats! Now you will see things with that specialist! Get ready!!
All I can picture in my head is Spence punching a side of beef with the Rocky theme playing prominently in the background. This is his finest moment (well, second finest hopefully).
The man-talk you gave him scared him so bad he thought he really better start performing; like I said, it motivated ME! This is great news!
That is fantastic news! Ride the wave Spencer. Ride like you have never ridden before!
Awesome, XBox! Now that you know that both yours and ET's parts are working, just relax and have fun. That's when it always happens - when you aren't trying too hard.
And maybe a little Rocky background music for Spencer wouldn't hurt?
We knew he could do it! It's all about self belief. Maybe he thought we would never live up to the dizzy heights of his grand-daddy?
So what happens to Spencer now? I am assuming he is still in the petri dish? So is it now 'son of Spencer' we have to cheer?
Oh... I admire your ability to speak openly about this. hehe.
Keeping hopes up for you that things go, ahem, swimmingly!
Okay, you're probably going to find this bizarre, but several women in my company invested in the Ashanti Tribe Fertility Doll - both with success getting knocked up quickly. I found a link, just in case you wanted another creative option:
way to go Spencer!
That's excellent news. Now you need to get Spencer and gang to get the job down when deployed for active duty.
Oh goodie, Spencer found his way back. I'm so relieved. I had horrible visions of him trying to hitch a ride and being picked up by some hairy biker chick and shoved into her bitch.
Pssst, dude... after all this 'sample' business, you do know where to take Spencer swimming, don't you?
Sweet! I'm having a pint in your honor (be it Spencer's or yours, take your pick).
congratulations! well done. now go make a baby.
Great news! I knew Spence would come around.
I so hope this takes some of the stress away; now go and have an awesome shag (always wanted to say that, thanks for giving me the opportunity!).
Congrats. And thanks for the funny posts. Wrap Spencer up in 7 golds a la Mark Spitz.
Nice to hear things are turning around
Spencer, you the man.
"Spencer is one magnificent mass of man milk."
That sir, made my day, and made the milk in my latte taste that little wee bit funny...
Oh and SQUEEEEEEEE!
Whatever the hell you were feeding that wonderful little bastard, DOUBLE THE DOSAGE!
BRILLIANT news, I'm incredibly happy for you guys.
Congratulations to you! and Spencer...
And my evil side is horribly disappointed, but hopeful there will be further hideous embarrassments for you to share -- after all, how many times can you (and I cannot believe I am actually typing this) man milk the whole clutching the sperm sample story? God. I know. I am sorry. I am now standing in the corner, hanging my head in shame at voicing such idiocy.
I am glad they found the report and didn't bother to wait til Monday to let you know.
Whew, look out ovaries, here comes super Spence! Good luck cowboy, knock em' silly!
Yeah Spencer!!! Zinc is the magic ingredient, huh? Would one of those zinc oxide sticks come in handy in any way??? :)
Put on a little Barry White or Marvin Gaye, and tell Spencer to bring his dancing tail.
Time to bump some u.g.l.y. (you ain't got no alibi - you ugly - hey hey - you ugly)
Sorry - I turned into a 12 year old softball player for a second.
Give it to her GOOOOOOD.....
Spencer is the MAN!!!
Well, well, well, I go off to have a pity party and come back to find that Spencer is the man! Quite the man!
So, what now?
Cyberhugs and a little dance.
Imagining a house full of lil' Xboxes. Hmmmmm.
Congrats to Spencer. He seems to be doing very well in his leadership role.
Just catching up after a day away (taking me three days to catch up - not good). Sounds like you had a crap couple of days followed by an absolute corker.
Fingers crossed and have a great weekend!!
Spencer is a rock star. Nice job!
Sounds like Spencer's going to have a lot more fun this weekend than I am. The Bastard!
Whoo hoo, Spencer rawks! You should become a personal sperm trainer, build 'em up for the fight, flight, swim, whatever, of the century. Now, it's time for the medal round. Good luck, coach!
I think maybe you need to relax, stop trying so hard and start enjoying it again!
Gah, I love reading your blog but it brings back nightmares from when we were trying to conceive.
It's nice to see it from the guy's side though. My husband HATED when he had to give a sample and the words 'waving around a wet noodle' were used more than once.
Where abouts in NL are you guys? I am in Rotterdam and the docs I saw were pretty crap.
Whoo Hoo!! Have fun my friend! Go forth and impregate!
We get to start trying again this cycle. Wouldn't it be great if we were pregnant together!! Well, if your wife was pregnant at the same time I am. Cuz you're a guy...and can't get pregnant...ya know...
That was "impregnate". I can't spell worth a damn before noon!
Bloody hell folks, leave a comment or two why don't ye?
@Justmylife - thanks, I intend to !
@Khyle - not to cast aspersions on their character, but they have a reputation for 'supplementing their performances' temselves!
@PG - He's had a few laps already!
@Maggie, dammit - I said 'msss' not 'glass'... I'm SO never eating at your plce.
@Nola - Yep, my selection of leader was key!
@Immoral Matriarch - Fuck Yes indeed!
@BusyDad - Don't picture him too much, that would just be weird...
@Ashley - absolutely!
@Kori - it's brilliant bloody news indeed.
@Chuck - great, now I have a picture of him on a surfboard in my head.
@Lyssa - 'just relax' Grrrrr. And I ordered the fertility doll (yes, I'm a tit) but I've just had a mail from them saying they don't accept international orders.
@Tismee2 - Spencer is kind of like Santa, just always there.
@Sue - believe me, it keeps me sane. Thanks!
@Andria & Co - yee haa!
@Roth Family Adventures - well you got that part nailed my man!
@Anja - I have a vague idea. either way, it's ok, I have TomTom.
@Russ - Make it mine, and ten one for him.
@Jenni - That's the plan, thanks!
@KarenMEG - Yep, I'm a bit more relaxed now, hopefully it will pay off. I admire your use of the word shag.
@Dadshouse - 7? 1 will do for now methinks. Thanks!
@Snowmanpoop - ever so slightly, but it's all good.
@People in the sun - I'm thinking about giving him a national holiday actually.
@Dan - Spiffing!
@Kelley - You need more exciting days I think. and yes, SQUEEEEEE!
@Goaldeebug - next post you read he's overdosed. Cheers!
@Chris in flux - thanks! appreciated.
@Julie - thing is, I think we may have to squeeze one more out of that particular series at some stage. But fingers crossed not.
@Hockeyman - I see him more of a 'greatest american hero' type myself.
@Morninglight mama - Yes, it looks like the zinc has made a big difference. And , eeeeuw.
@NukeDad - Barry White Da man...
@A whole lot of nothing - now that's just creepy
@Deb - he SO is...
@Tiff - welcome back! thank you.
@Veronica - what now? shagging. lots of it.
@Foreigner By Default - thanks... woo hoo.
@Amanda - he has really taken to the role well the wee blighter.
@Hilary - it certainly is.
@bsouth - you can't afford to blink around these parts!
@Momo Fali - he is a wee diamond in't he...
@Ed - He certainly is my man, he certainly is ;0)
@Tara R - maybe a career move, shouting at male crotches. Mmm, maybe not.
@Roy - Easier said then done regarding the relaxing thing thats for sure, but it's ALWAYS been enjoyable.
Like they say, cold pizza is still pizza!
@Breigh - I know how hard it can be to read other people's accounts of these things.
We are in the Leiden area, as for the doctors, I have ZERO time or patience for the GPs here.
But that being said, anytime I've gone to specialist, Othodontist, Chiropractor etc the treatment has been first rate.
@ORKMommy - thanks! it would be pretty spectacular if I managed to get pregnant.
Good luck you guys.
That is great news! Good luck to you.. and hope you had some fun this weekend!
wow 48 comments, and i am one of the last to respond....i am not sure how much improvement, but the proof of the puddin, you know...kids are so important so i pray this happens before too much time elapses
Spencer was probably terrified you'd have him cut off from the family if he didn't shape up, as it were. Congrats Spence! Keep up the good work (that threat is probably still on the table, you know, if your job performance drops again.)!
I'm not sure if you Irish should procreate considering you make this shit:
@Frances - that would be telling ;0)
@Putz - Better late than never! thank you sir.
@Captain Steve - Yep, this is still only practice for the maggot, he's still got to pull off the big one.
@A whole lot of nothing - We may make it, but who buys it? YOU LOT.
"thanks to the most heroic semen sample outside of a panda enclosure, there is no reason why we can't do this naturally." Woo hoo!!! This is good news. Go Spencer, go!!!
I swear, if you don't turn your adventure into a book, your crazy!!!
Either no one bought them on eBay or it's not yours. You better go in and check.
So what's the secret ingredient you've been feeding Spence? - I hope you haven't been man handling him too much!
@LaskiGal - books need patience, talent, and a happy ending...
@Hockeyman - All mine dude, all mine.
@Jayne - OK, Yippeeee!
@Quickroute - Zinc, Zinc, and more zinc. That stuff's da shit.
@Tracey - been at the toy train convention all weekend again?
This is what I have been waiting to hear! Excellent news bud! Now, I want to hear the next big announcement. Get to work son!
Awesome man! (Weirded out that talking about your sperm makes me say that...) :D
@Joeprah - Next big announcement on its way...drumroll.... New Grey's Anatomy TONIGHT!
@Jared - Ah man, you got my boy's back!
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