Thursday 3 April 2008

Return of the sperm runner: This time it's personal

I was prepared.

I had everything timed to a tee: Alarm, packed for work, showered, shaved, and lab paperwork in order.

Just fill this pot up with what must surely be a half litre of my finest saved up 'sample' was all I had to do, before hopping into the car and off to the hospital.


That's it?
You have GOT to be taking the piss, it's less than the last bloody time!

There I sat on the edge of the bathtub, shaking my (upper) head in disbelief, trying to screw the lid back on the pot, and strongly contemplating the possibility that testicles have an underdeveloped sense of humour completely independent from their owner.

Where were the GALLONS I had most certainly saved up?

Disheartened, I put the container (which looked more like I had sneezed in it rather than filled it with a well timed semen sample) carefully in my pocket.

Down the stairs, out the front door, down the path, past the pond (where I swear I could see a couple of frogs lighting cigarettes), into the car, and off I drove to the hospital.

(Incidentally, while sitting in the car park I had one good hard look into the container. It was hard to tell but I couldn't identify Spencer in there. Fingers crossed he's already gone off with his whip and hat leading the charge on the temple of doom.)

I was prepared.

I knew EXACTLY where I needed to go, so no cringe inducing conversation at reception would be necessary.

Confidently clutching my pot of man milk like a hand grenade primed for launching, straight past the hideous receptionist and off down the hallway I bounded.

Upon stepping into the lift, the blood drained from my brain.
There stood a pretty wee nurse with her petite finger hovering over the button...

Pretty Nurse: Which floor?
Sperm Clutching Idiot: (rapidly losing oxygen to my brain) dunno

Pretty Nurse:
What number route then?
Sperm Clutching Idiot: (at this point in grave danger of losing consciousness) forget

Pretty Nurse:
(getting impatient) What DEPARTMENT then?
Sperm Clutching Idiot: (almost yelling) I know this one!...medical microbiology...

Pretty Nurse:
Oh (smirking) I see.... 2nd floor.

A short 4 hour lift ride and 17 popped blood vessels later.

Practically ripping the arms off my jacket in the still opening doors, I walk-ran up the corridor, and through the double doors to where the medical microbiology office was.

No. No. NO.
No light, no nurse, no give way with the door handle.

It wasn't bloody open yet.

So, what? I just have to stand there in the hallway turning redder and redder, in front of a sign that may just as well have read 'WANKERS WAIT HERE', grasping a thimblefull of lukewarm semen in my chubby sweaty hands for every passer-by to snigger at?


9 of them. I counted.
Every individual face now branded onto my brain, so I can rapidly flee, or scratch their eyes out should our paths ever cross again in the future.

10 minutes later, a woman shuffles up along the corridor to the office door. With a key in the lock, and her creaking neck straining backwards to look at me, she croaks: "Semen?"

My head bowed, all faith in lucky breaks lost forever, I replied: "Yes".

Into the office we step, she continues to shuffle around the room, flicking light switches and opening windows.
On my life, may God strike me down dead on the spot if this woman was not at least 70 years of age.

All well and good, at least she's experienced I thought, as she asked me the standard set of questions.

I was prepared.

Then it came: "When was your previous ejaculation?"

Now, fellas, I can guarantee that you haven't lived through shame until you are faced with the question of the timing of your last sexual climax from a woman as old as time itself, and who bears a startling resemblance to the owner of 'Tweety Bird' in those cartoons.

Unaware that I was now in the foetal position, rocking too and fro, I answered her.
I was now also highly conscious of the fact that if she calculated the days backwards she would work out it was in fact on a Sunday, which was undoubtedly going to seal my condemnation to eternal hell in the eyes of this 420 year old spinster, even if it would in fact, at this point in time, be a welcome relief for myself.

I picked up the remainder of my self respect, balled it up, tossed it in the bin under the desk, confirmed the 2 week waiting time for the results, and left.

Out the wrong exit (,again) I go, past the inexplicable chickens (,again), and vowing never to go through that again (,again).

Honestly, I WAS prepared.


Anonymous said...

Oy! Maybe you need to talk to Ed instead of Spencer?

People in the Sun said...

It was very nice of her to let you take a picture of her. Did you direct her in any way? Did you tell her to make love to the camera? Even if Spencer didn't come out the first time, he would have popped out after seeing that lady.

You know what's cute? The name of that picture is "blouse1."

Lyssa said...

This is nature's way of preparing you to be a papa. It is impossible to have any pride left AFTER having children (between the embarrassing comments, pulling your shirt down in mixed company, etc.). Just look at this as your chance to go into fatherhood without a single shred of pride to lose!

minivan soapbox said...

Who would have thought that blogging about sperm would be so great. Saw your comment over on Dad Gone Mad.

BusyDad said...

I'm going to venture to say that when you do have a kid, he/she is going to be street smart. The wily sperm know when the next train is headed toward petri-dishville where they will be poked, prodded, measured and tossed. They find a crevice and hold on for dear life. Hence the low volume. Am I a glass half full kind of guy or what? er... not the best idiom for the moment.

Putz said...

did you know your problem is very much like jaspher mockingbard's???????the same method of delivery if you get my gist??i am so lucky to be able to blog with such interesting people, i can talk about the last sperm ejeculation and not get a bit excited sexuall...i did not think that was possible... and so many people both male and female who write to you you should get some kind of blog he who always trys

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

I know way too much about my husband's long lost pretend twin.

Waaaay too much.

Backpacking Dad said...

That was damned hilarious.

I feel for you.

Tara R. said...

You really need some good news for a change.

Julie said...

That was very funny. And very unfortunate for you. One would think they could have some sort of back door in a dark alley, or a window where you drive by, barely slowing as you hurl your sample through it...

Hilary (Maya Papaya) said...

"Confidently clutching my pot of man milk like a hand grenade primed for launching..."

You have such a gift with words!


Fingers crossed for great results :)

Anonymous said...

Top quality, as always.

Here's hoping you get a good result.

Mr Lady said...

I really don't WANT to be giggling about your bodily fluids. I DON'T. And yet I am.

Curse you, man!

Foreigner by Default said...

Oh bugger, taking into account my latest experiences it seems the result is pretty much the same either you come prepared or not.

Things go awry anyway.

At least you got Spencers lil' friends into feeble hands of ancient semen sample keeper. Must be reassuring.

Anonymous said...

Well, I hope that old dame takes good care of Spencer's mates (I feel sure he's not there, he is indeed leading the rear charge into the temple of scary stuff while you're not looking).

Thanks though, I'm not crying this time.

Bally good luck with this test.

Who's Ed?

Doodaddy said...

You had the same lab lady I did! Except (I imagine) she said "semen" in Dutch? Doesn't that make it more romantic?

Anonymous said...

Came here via Dad Gone Mad and am very glad I did. I've also found semen to be rather funny and now it's hilarious.

You are well on your way to becoming super prepared to be a dad. I think Spencer is letting you down though. Pick someone else.

morninglight mama said...

I'm a newbie to your blog (saw you on Dad Gone Mad), and I am sitting here laughing my head off (and trying not to pee myself... I am a mom and it's one of those sucky side effects... that and having some type of bodily fluid wiped on me at least 12 times a day). I am sending all the good thoughts in the world your way in hopes of you and your wife having a baby. Any guy with this much humor in him is totally primed to be a fantastic papa! I will definitely be checking back in to your blog!

Joeprah said...

Is it ok that I laughed about this? I really enjoy all the uncomfortable moments of your life. I am glad for them. ;) Best wishes mate!

Jason Roth said...

I can see how the sperm might become petrified at the sight of the old lady.

Martin said...

@Nola - Give the guy a chance woman!

@People in the sun - She is a looker isnt she? sad thing is, the picture is better than the real thing.

@Lyssa - Pride? what's that then?

@-k - It wasn't the original intention but the sperm certainly is getting most of the headlines.
Thanks for popping in!

@BusyDad - glass half full... eh... no one likes a wise ass ;0)

@Putz - You deserve an award for all your comments, have a beer on me.

@A whole Lot Of Nothing - I'm imagining that there is much more to come.

@Backpacking Dad - I can laugh, NOW... it usually takes a day or so.
thanks for dropping by.

@Tara R. - You reckon? Lottery would be a good start.

@Jullie - I've tried that, but people tend to get annoyed when I masturbate down dark alleys.

@Hilary - When you have to repeat yourself as often as I do you learn new ways of saying it !

@Dan - kind of like GCSEs....

@Mr Lady - Gee thanks, I could REALLY DO with being cursed...

@Foreigner by default - Always. It always goes wrong.

@Bsouth - No blubbing round here woman...Ed, Nola tells me is from a show inthe US 'Ed V Spencer'. Ed wins.

@DooDaddy - Semen translated to Dutch is, well, Semen. Sperm is 'Sperma'.#
Tough language....

@MadWoman Meg - So I have all the attributes, just no bloody kid. That's just a little bit TOO irish for my liking.
Welcome ;-)

@Morninglight Mama - wow, DGM has sent a couple this way today.
I take no responsibilty for the soiled underwear of any reader.
Nice to see a new face, enjoy ;0)

@Joeprah - Ok? no. Stop it. Don't you have copyright law to infringe or something?

@Roth Family Adventures - the 'old lady' ? you mean my wife? !

frog ponds rock... said...

....There I sat on the edge of the bathtub, shaking my (upper) head in disbelief,.... Oh deary me hehehehe

Did you know that the superb fairy wren produces the most sperm of any creature on earth..

Proportionate to size that is..
(just a friendly bit of trivia for you.)

...I look at them and think mmm a flying feathery testicle...
cheers Kim xx

Momo Fali said...

Is it wrong that I SO enjoy this? Your humiliation makes for a great read.

Anonymous said...

wow... sounds like it was a roaring success!

Anonymous said...

I laughed a lot at this post. Sorry to laugh at your misery but it's almost on a par with smear tests and labour! It's nice to know you're suffering too.

Deb said...


Lyssa's right. I can assure you that experience has prepared you well for going out in public with poop on your pants.

Anonymous said...

Man milk? ROFL

You do paint quite a pretty picture...

I think this is all designed to test your mettle. They want to be really, really sure that you really, really want to be a parent before they commit to anything. Only someone desperate to procreate could put themselves through that kind of trauma. And that's just you! Imagine if they start in on ET?

Have you received Tiff's mother's yellow booties yet? Maybe you need another pair.

Anonymous said...

man milk! LOLOLOLOL!

Anonymous said...

Funny how a pretty nurse can completely unhinge your brain.

And anyways, quality over quantity.

Martin said...

@Frog Ponds Rock - You think I should try to emulate the reproductive skills of a creature with the word 'fairy' in it's name? ...I think i already bloody am...

@Momo Fali - Wrong. So wrong. I'm waiting for the guy with the hidden camera...

@Deb - at my current rate of humiliation, public appearances with excrement on my clothes can only be days away.

@Tracey - THIS is a test? If it is it's somewhat disproportionate I reckon.
I only want ONE not a bloody dozen...
Yep, booties received and in place.

@Tiff - Well it is, kind of...

@Veronica - frankly it could have been an ogre, but I was just taken by surprise.

Martin said...

Oooh missed 2 of ye somehow -

@Struglas - Oh yes, I couldn't have hoped for any better...(smell the saracasm)

@Tismee2 - Oh ye women are always playing the victims...'oh this 11 pound baby is hurting as it passes through my body' and all that jazz... bah.

;0) welcome...

Mr Lady said...

Longest. Comment. Ever.

An elderly couple decided that they wanted to have a baby. It was the one thing they hadn't done in their life.

They arrived at the fertility doctor, and he snickered at them. "Really?" he asks. "Really" they reply.

"Okay," the doctor says to them, "this isn't going to be easy, but we'll try. Take this cup home, fill it up, you know, *wink wink* and then we'll see what you've got and go from there."

The couple heads home, excited and happy.

A week later, they return to the doctor with an empty cup and sadness written on their faces. The doctor says, "What happened?" and the wife's eyes fill with tears.

"Doc," the man answers, "We tried EVERYTHING. I tugged and tugged on it. I squeezed it in between my legs, I rubbed oil on it, I smacked it against the table. My wife pulled on it, she used her teeth, hell, she took her teeth out and tried to suck on it, but no matter what we did, we couldn't get that damn LID OFF."

Anonymous said...

I'm a single dad who is new to reading your blog, and I must say, this post is HILARIOUS. I think it's great you can write about this with so much wit and humility. (The frogs with cigarettes made me laugh out loud...)

justmylife said...

I just found you, I will be back. I have tears running down my face and the dogs are looking at me like I have lost my mind!! Thanks for the laugh after a bad day.