Thursday 17 April 2008

So, God IS a woman...

...and she's had me tied to the bed, wrists and ankles bound. She doesn't even crack a smile as she tosses aside the unopened tube of lubricant, and tightens the belt on her over sized strap-on. She steps closer...

I woke up today a bigger idiot than normal. Why so? because I believed today was the day I would get the results from my second semen analysis.

I was mistaken.

Here in the world's best kept communist secret that is Holland, you must follow appointments, no wavering, no flexibility. I guess in a country the size of a Texan bathtub with a bigger population than Australia, you need some kind of order to avoid outright chaos. So I go along with it.

At exactly 1pm, I called for my results. I dialed the GP's office number. 17 times.

At 1:40 the phone is answered.

After the customary berating from the receptionist that I wasn't ringing between 1 & 1:30, I get put through to the doctor.
Scratch that, I get put through to a trainee something or other.

I again explain the reason behind my call, repeat my details, and wait silently, with the sound of single finger keystrokes on an iMac the only sign of life on the other end of the line.

'Uuum, I can't seem to find them right now, can I call you back this afternoon?'
Sighing 'OK'.

An hour later she calls me back with the news that I instinctively knew was coming.

They'd lost the results.

The GP doesn't have them, the lab doesn't have them.
They are going to check up with the lab again and ring me today or tomorrow.

I'm not even gong to entertain the possibility they may find them, unless Shergar trots into their office with them sellotaped to his arse.

So, what now?

It takes around 4 weeks to get an appointment to give the sample, and 2 weeks to get results back. For the slower among you, thats 6 weeks, add in 3 Dutch national holidays in the coming weeks and you can safely say 7 weeks before I can get another set of results.

We return to our reproductive specialist, who is expecting a full set of results, in just over 5 weeks.

If we don't have a full set of results for that appointment we can forget any progress then, and can face another 6 week wait for a follow up, if we get lucky.

This particular 'whoopsie' may well cost us a set back of a couple of months.

If I were a cynical person, I would allow my mind to wonder had they in fact misplaced the original sample? What a lovely thought, here I am, unable to impregnate my wife, and there's Spencer just lying around unlabeled in a laboratory where they wash sperm for IUI and IVF treatments. Some poor skinny, blond, 9 foot tall, straight toothed Dutch couple could be in for one hell of a shock in 9 months or so.

If you hadn't already guessed from the tones of bubbling frustration, you can take the dream sequence of being anally raped by female deity as a sure sign that a total meltdown is just around the corner.

...jerking me by the legs closer to the edge of the bed, I clench, bite down on my pillow, and mutter "OK God, get it over with, just no kissing on the mouth"...


Hilary (Maya Papaya) said...

WHAT???? They LOST them????

Oh I am so frustrated for you! I am so sorry this happened.

Do they not realize that there are quite literally dozens of people around the world waiting with bated breath for these results?

I am keeping fingers crossed that the results will turn up.

I promise you this: Someday you will remember this ordeal and laugh.

Anonymous said...

bollocks bugger and bloody hell.

Anonymous said...

Talk about kicking a man while he's down - that sucks!

I'm sorry they lost it...probably not good to have semen samples floating around somewhere.


Putz said...

honest, you sound just like me, when iwas 40 years younger

Kori said...

Hm, if I didn'd know better I would think they were in cahoots with the lab here. That freaking sucks.

Russ said...

So they can't "fast track" a test because of their mistake? More proof that socialized medicine isn't all its cracked up to be (not that the current form of "free market" medicine is much better).

Martin said...

@Hilary - I laughed today, down the phone at the wench and then at myself....

@Dan - Language, please Daniel.

@Tyler - I'm SO getting used to it!

@Putz - I don't know is that comparison good for either of us !

@Kori - Indeed, tomorrow will tell a lot.

@Russ - Above the GP level here, I'm quite happy with the healthcare. But in this case we have two parties, GP and lab, independent of each other, and I'll eat my hat if one of them takes responsibility enough to 'force' a quick appointment. The RS is also separate, and just wants a valid set of results.
I'm ringing round my buddies to see which of them still have their toy microscopes.

frog ponds rock... said...

Oh shit..No wonder that you thought the photo of the mystery object was Spencer.. they have lost him..Oh No!!

Anonymous said...

Oy. My. Vay. If they are not found, pls make a big fuss so that get you in ASAP since it was their error.

Poor little Spence! All alone and forgotten!

Anonymous said...

argh! how frustrating!

GoaldeeBug said...


They can't so this to us, your faithful readers!

We have to wait another 2 months to find out?

How do we keep ourselves occupied until then?

Honestly mate, I'm so sorry this has happened. We, your loyal following, all feel a small amount of your frustration, anger and disappointment. How could we not? We love you!

Want me to come up there and kneecap those bastards?

Ashley said...

Geez. I have no clue what is different where you are...but can you call whoever (or whichever office) is in charge of these? I know some of them are separate..but start calling and complain and bitch and moan until they set you up and have it done on a fast track. It's only fair.

Can you sue people for losing your sperm? Just curious.

Is there another place you can have it done and analyzed at, as well? Just curious.

Good luck!

Julie said...

Oh, that so very much sucks.

However, the seriously mean evil side of me surfaced -- just for a second, and then I pounded her back down -- and thought this means we get to hear about another trip through sperm sample hell from you, which is always very entertaining, since I am not the one clutching a sperm sample while riding the elevator with a cute nurse.

Believe me, people tell me all the time I am going to hell. Consider it said.

I am so sorry this has the potential to delay everything for a couple months. It is so massively unfair. I hope the results turn up.

Anonymous said...

That really sucks. Seriously.

Anonymous said...

I've been sitting here for over an hour (at least, it feels like over an hour, I didn't actually time it) trying to think of something great to type into this here box.

In the end?

I just dig you. Your writing, your blog, all of it. Wish I could fluff it up prettier.

The Miss of Abyss said...

Shite, they lost Spencer. Poor little bastard had a bus pass to get home, I hope.

Dude (and lovely dudess) this is a major blow (pardon the pun) but how about you both give yourselves a break until you have to go on the reproductive merry-go-round again.

Cast your minds back to that carefree time when babies were not the priority. That wondrous time when you both drove each other silly with desire, and fornicating was not a calendar thing.

Take this time to go silly and fuck like rabbits. Have fun sex, wild sex, break the coffee table sex.

You have found out god is a woman. Damn, my secret is out. And I promise I won't do you up the ass with a strap-on.

Kiss you on the lips!!! I think I shall now lick my dog's ass to get that imagery out of my head.

Tara R. said...

That completely sucks! I have a big stick I can come over there and smack someone with, if you'd think it would help.

Anonymous said...

That sucks! I bet they sold Spencer's little bros on eBay to China or something.

About that dream, you really ought to drink more if that's what you fantasize about. Seriously, how often do you suggest to an Irishman that he should drink more?

Jayne said...

Fingers (and legs) crossed they find them down the back of the autoclave before the next ice age!

Anonymous said...


That is terrible. I'm so sorry.

Anonymous said...

Nicely written. As an American living abroad I foten get frustrated with the nationalized health services. That is, until I remind myself that it's costing me nothing for administrative cock ups. This is in conrtrast to the U.S. in which administrative cock ups occur at the same rate, but you are charged massively for them. Count your blessings.

Anonymous said...

BTW, I'd like to blogroll you so a) I'll remember to come back and 3) some of my readers may head your way.
All the best,


Foreigner by Default said...

EEWWWW the dream. Not the mental image I'm quite comfortable with.

Dan is right: bollocks bugger and bloody hell.

There's still a chance (albeit a minor tiny eeny weeny one) that tehy'd locate Spencer. Right.

Did you tell the poor guy what to when he gets lost? That he should stay put ad not go anywhere and wait to be found?

Martin said...

@Frog ponds rock - Oh no is right.
And at this moment in time, its just the results we are missing.

@Nola - A fuss shall be made indeed.

@Andria - you're telling me! (welcome btw)

@Goaldeebug - all 12 of ye lol! We wont be waiting another 2 months, one way or another. trust me.
Even if I've to leave a fresh sample sans container on the doctors desk.
found or not, I reckon you should do some knee capping.

@Ashley - its SO different to the US. unfortunately so in this case.
Red tape and procedures and processes will mean if they don't show up, we won't be able to pin the responsibility on anyone, of that I'm sure.
IF the sample itself was lost (and I've no clue if that's even the case) there would be bigger issues.

@Julie - feel free to let the evil side out, I admire it's creativity.
If they don't turn up we'll just have to find an alternative.
These gits are not gonna get me...

@Karen C - Agreed!

@Maggie, dammit - say more stuff like that, please.
thank you for the unwarranted kind words. I'm chuffed.

@Anja - we paid more for our coffee table than I did for my first car.
I'm not having that broken. It's a lovely fucking coffee table too.
and again, there is actually nothing to suggest spencer himself is awol.

@Tara R - help, probably not, entertain, most certainly.

@Hockeyman - go on , admit it...

@Jayne - Bugger seems so polite in this case. I hope they find it too...!

@Tiff - Meh, it's all relative ;0)

@Chris in flux - Personally I'm a fan of nationalised health care, if correctly run, and in fairness, for the most part that IS the case here.
'How society treats it's weakest members' and all that.

Thanks for the compliment & feel free to add of course.

@FOreigner by default - there is a chance of course, I mean there are only so many places this bloody peice of paper can be.
But whether 'finding' it will fit into this regimented system or if they are happier to just let it be a casualty of war I don't know.

@ALL - mini update - ET went by the GP's office on the way to work this morning to check, one assistant claimed no knowledge of anything whatsoever, and the other said she hadn't had time to look into it yet.
I'll be calling in a couple of hours at 'results' time again on the offchance my playing dunb will fool them

Anonymous said...

I always feel a little ripped off because I tend to know the nesw in advance.

Wait, was I supposed to say that?

Stupid dutch clinic.

Anonymous said...

Oh buddy...I'm so sorry. I came here this morning hoping for news!

I hope Spencer isn't lost somewhere. I just can't bear the thought of him sitting there with a big ole tear on his cheek just wishing he could go home. Maybe there are other little lost friends for him to cling to...

Deb said...

Hmm... I read the success post first. Is there any chance they mixed up the samples? I'm just askin'. Spencer's swimming faster than a woman on the Chinese Olympic team and...

Martin said...

@Veronica - Just because you're in Australia doesn't actually mean you get to read it before anyone else...

@ORKMommy - bog ol tear on his cheek, lol. bless.

@Deb - NO, no mix up. This swimmer's MINE.